He cant commit.to being in child's life

[Confusedgal0001]

Me and my dp are in such a rollercoster relationship. When its good, its perfect. When we disagree. We disagree hard and it ends in nasty arguments. He has gotten more nasty and its like "anything goes" and he justifies it by saying I have wound him up. He never used to be like this but says its because I chipped away at him. Saying that, I wasnt the easiest at the start I did gaslight, and cause many arguments and broke up with him to get him to chase me to win me over. That was years ago. I am not that person. Now he says when I accuse him of stuff or nag him he thinks "not this shit and he shuts down". Ive told him it isnt helpful and he says thats my own doing.

After giving birth to our daughter and brining her home. I was floored with the emotion I felt. The love for her was and is something else. I didnt know I could love this much. I remember looking at her and burst out crying and saying to him "we will always be together for the sake of our girl, she deserves the best we need to promise that". A few weeks later, I asked him. What would happen if we broke up with our daughter. Would we coparent. Be on good terms, etc. He was immediately offended. He shut down got nasty. Telling me he "didnt know". I was gobsmacked, and demanded how he couldn't day he would always be there for her. He said he wants to say that but he cant predict an unknown future. He then said he doesnt want to think about breaking up and to ask that question is a red flag. I have continued asking, every few weeks, it has never say right.

Sometimes he will say, we would coparent if on good terms, then he will say he doesnt know how much he would see our baby as he doesnt have all the details (ie where I would be living. Etc)

Each time I get annoyed he tells me I am creating this problem and he doesnt ever want to split up. He said if we were splitting up we would discuss everything and that would include our daughter hut right now he cant give me an answer. I said why cant he said he would move mountains and do anything. He said he would do what needed to be done, what was the right thing for our daughter. He then says I have issues for talking about all of this and refuses to agree anything with me!! Is this not a red flag? I can honestly say that no matter what happens with us, I will always be our baby's mum and I ain't going anywhere. I will be in her life until I die. Why cant he say same?!

Thanks

Can I take this week to post how I am doing and u can all give me feedback? I dont want to walk on eggshells but dont wsnt to overreact. I know you'll all probably tell me no but I would really find it helpful and you could help to save a telationshipx

I don’t think you should save this relationship to be honest
Certainly not in its current state
Maybe revisit it if you both want to in two or three years time but right here and now this is not a relationship worth saving
Save the relationship with your daughter whilst you still have the chance to do that

Why don't you just stop talking about hypothetical breakups, and get on with enjoying life? Like, just don't talk about your relationship AT ALL, stop obsessing over it and making it all you think about. Noone likes a single-issue obsessive, so start looking outward a bit and think about things other than yourself.

Do some gardening, find some interesting walks to take your child on, buy a sketchbook and some charcoal and draw some pictures. Just, stop obsessing over yourself and your relationship. Its not healthy.

You’re emotionally abusing your Dd bringing her up in a household where she is upset because she can hear her parents shouting. She’s very young now but this will get worse for her as she gets older. But even now it’s unsettling her. But in the future it’s likely to cause her anxiety and lead to behavioural issues. You need to stop it. Seek help, see about couples counselling. Or leave him. It’s not healthy.

he said i can only speak to him if its valid and not nonsense

Which sounds fair enough, because you are speaking a colossal amount of nonsense.

I almost never defend the blokes but it's screamingly obvious that you are a toxic nightmare who won't take responsibility for her own behaviour then cries victim when you've pushed any sane person to breaking point.

Stop goading him, stop picking away at hypotheticals, stop being contrary, stop manufacturing drama, treat people respectfully and with positivity.

You've clearly messed this bloke up. Change yourself NOW before you mess up your poor daughter.

Can't you see you are repeating the hysteria and distress of your parents? Look how well that worked out for you. Does your DD deserve that?

You are being utterly ridiculous and making it much more likely that you will eventually split up. Every time you ask him the stupid question you make it even more likely. You sound very difficult to live with. Poor man. Poor baby.

And I fully agree that him saying not to speak to him if you’re talking nonsense is 100% fair enough.

But if you dont like how your partner spoke to you with a tone, how would you approach that? I speak to him calmly and he blows up
He said i shouldn't think theres an issue but surely that's giving someone a free pass to do what they want, why are my feelings being in validated.

Last week he said to me when youre finished in the shower I will turn the electrics off and work on the small bathroom. I said okay. Had a shower. Thought about washing my hair but thought no, they'll take longer to then dry etc. Quick shower, he can work on bathroom. After im dressed, getting our baby dressed and changed he appears 1.5hrs later. I aaid what have u been doin? It i knew u wouldnt be working on thr bathroom straightaway, I would have washed my hair. He then went in an instant mood, accusing me of blaming him for me not washing my hair. I said I wasnt blaming him,he was adamant I was, started saying thats what the sentence I said implies, asked if I understood English. We spoke about this over an hr. He then said he had no time to work on thr bathroom. So how am I the problem? Doesn't he siund like he always wants to fight.

You sound like extremely hard work op and like you probably have more than one competing mental health/personality disorder.

For your child's sake, the best you could do would probably be give dad custody, step back and see her as NRP whilst seeking therapy and a correct diagnosis for yourself. The narcissim seeping through your posts suggests you'd never actually put your child first to that degree though.

Best of luck to your poor dd, she sounds like she'll need it.

Please can u comment on my example above re shower washing hair. These are the types of arguments we have. I fail to see how i am always in the wrong.

I cannot believe you’ve brought a child into this absolute shit show ! Selfish beyond words

sort yourself out ffs

Doesn't he siund like he always wants to fight.

No. It sounds to me like you bring things up unnecessarily with a shitty approach that goads an arguement.

Making him explain and justify to you why he didn't start xyz immediately isn't something most people do...just the toxic ones. You don't realise this because you're the problem.

What would you have said? I have nagged him about the bathroom as its taken 1.5 years to fix! I have offered to pay tradesmen to come and do it as theres a time factor but he refuses.

You sounded as if you were blaming him for not starting work on the electrics as soon as possible, when he had never actually said that he would do it immediately you finished, so he couldn't see why you were making an issue of it. Yes, he implied that he would but he didn’t know it was an important issue whether he did it straight away or not. He didn’t know you wanted to wash your hair. It was just a misunderstanding, really not worth spending time arguing about.

You sound like very hard work.

You were blaming him. He might have deserved the blame, but you’re gaslighting him by pretending you weren’t blaming him. If you weren’t meaning to blame him or to criticize him, why need to say anything?

You are in the wrong. You made a goady comment criticising him for not starting straight away and implying you couldn't wash your hair because of him.

He's doing DIY. That's a positive thing, and all you can do is prod him and criticise.

This is EXACTLY the sort of nonsense he's talking about, an argument you created from nothing.

How do you talk about your feelings with him?
How about DON'T. Give it a try to not express every minor nitpick and complaint that passes through your mind. Go with the flow a bit rather than actively looking for reasons to be dissatisfied.

I understand everything you are all saying. What i dont know what to do is how to behave going forward. Like if I dont like something he has done or said, how do I actually bring it up?

Last night our baby kept tossing and turning between us, she wouldnt sleep in her cot. She then kept looking up at her light up lamb. I thought it was maybe distracting her and keeping her awake, ie flashing lights to turned it off. She then instantly cried he said "why did u do that?!". I said I was trying my best and I dont appreciate his tone. He stroked my hand. The next morning he said I hope youre okay. I know u were just tierd and grumpy. I said, what exactly do u mean? I reacted cause your tone was critical yet again. He said he didnt mean it in a critical way, she was looking up as she finds comfort in it. How else should he say it so I don't get offended. I said, jusy dont say things so abruptly like im a child gettung into trouble. He said sorry we moved on.

Bottom line, stop fixating on hypothetical scenarios. You'll ruin any relationship, not just this one - friends, family won't respond well to these imaginary 'tests' and they're quite controlling and don't come from a good place. If you can't see the problem with judging your relationship on imaginary problems, I'd genuinely (not nastily) encourage you to reach out to Relate and/or have some counselling to help you start building a healthier attitude to relationships.

I'm wondering if you're actually struggling with insecurity but don't know how to seek reassurance in a healthy way. We do need reassurance sometimes but try to find that in healthy ways - from a hug, from a kind word, from just spending time together.

The shower thing:
Both need to learn to let the small stuff go - key to a solid relationship - defo wasn't worth an hour of your lives discussing this.

You are a big part of the problem. You have a newborn and instead of enjoying that phase, (which is also obviously tiring) you're constantly needling him with hypothetical breakup scenarios. That's very toxic, unhelpful and prevents him from relaxing and enjoying his home. He's right that he doesn't have time for made up scenarios. Op, NO couple wants to have a "what would happen in a break up scenario" discussion over and over. It's very unhealthy.

In my house it would go - me "I thought you were working on the bathroom today, I would have washed my hair if I'd known." Him "yeah sorry XYZ took longer than I thought." Me "no worries I'll do it tonight."

You are unbelievably dramatic and need to calm down.

You are exhausting. There’s no way I could be with you. You need to not be together for your child’s sake. It isn’t healthy and you are the red flag. Why are you asking him about scenarios that haven’t or will never happen. That would annoy the shit out of me too and I would be snappy with you too. Stop asking stupid questions. It’s like you’re trying to trick him. Grow up, if not for you than do it for your child!!

He never wants to discuss things. He just wants to say what needs said then leaves it. I always discuss things as things always feel unspoken or he seems annoyed.

Well how come everyone is defending him when that is what I bloody said?! He got pissed off and went 0-100

I know I said I would leave this thread but I wanted to respond.

Why feel the need to comment on anything he does that you don’t like or annoys you? Does it really need you to say something? What would that even achieve?

It’s the constant criticism and nit picking that would drive the most reasonable person bad.

You are so determined to criticism him you don’t even see that you’re doing it and instead continue to paint yourself as the victim.

Your behaviour is so unbelievably toxic.