He cant commit.to being in child's life

[Confusedgal0001]

Me and my dp are in such a rollercoster relationship. When its good, its perfect. When we disagree. We disagree hard and it ends in nasty arguments. He has gotten more nasty and its like "anything goes" and he justifies it by saying I have wound him up. He never used to be like this but says its because I chipped away at him. Saying that, I wasnt the easiest at the start I did gaslight, and cause many arguments and broke up with him to get him to chase me to win me over. That was years ago. I am not that person. Now he says when I accuse him of stuff or nag him he thinks "not this shit and he shuts down". Ive told him it isnt helpful and he says thats my own doing.

After giving birth to our daughter and brining her home. I was floored with the emotion I felt. The love for her was and is something else. I didnt know I could love this much. I remember looking at her and burst out crying and saying to him "we will always be together for the sake of our girl, she deserves the best we need to promise that". A few weeks later, I asked him. What would happen if we broke up with our daughter. Would we coparent. Be on good terms, etc. He was immediately offended. He shut down got nasty. Telling me he "didnt know". I was gobsmacked, and demanded how he couldn't day he would always be there for her. He said he wants to say that but he cant predict an unknown future. He then said he doesnt want to think about breaking up and to ask that question is a red flag. I have continued asking, every few weeks, it has never say right.

Sometimes he will say, we would coparent if on good terms, then he will say he doesnt know how much he would see our baby as he doesnt have all the details (ie where I would be living. Etc)

Each time I get annoyed he tells me I am creating this problem and he doesnt ever want to split up. He said if we were splitting up we would discuss everything and that would include our daughter hut right now he cant give me an answer. I said why cant he said he would move mountains and do anything. He said he would do what needed to be done, what was the right thing for our daughter. He then says I have issues for talking about all of this and refuses to agree anything with me!! Is this not a red flag? I can honestly say that no matter what happens with us, I will always be our baby's mum and I ain't going anywhere. I will be in her life until I die. Why cant he say same?!

Thanks

Your relationship is an utter mess.

The pair of you are abusive - you mentally and emotionally and him physically by the sound of it.

What a disgusting example for your child. Split up and get some serious therapy to sort yourself out.

Put your child first.

Everyone agrees he shouldn't have given you "a hard tap on the leg" as you described it.

You shouldn't be manipulative, goading, mendacious, escalate drama, and generally behave like a toxic nightmare.

You took 10 minutes to leave the house when he was waiting in the car and in a big hurry. You were deliberately winding him up across the day. You say he "called you a bitch in front of your baby" when actually she was fast asleep in the back.

This is a deeply messed up dynamic. Get some therapy to resolve your issues or your poor daughter will be raised in a poisonous environment.

Why is everyone sticking up for him?
Because you come across as being unhinged.

You sound like bloody hard work and why you’re doing to him is emotional abuse. I hope he manages to find a life free from this kind of dysfunction.

The most important thing in a relationship is not love, it's respect. You might not even like each other at times but even in the middle of arguments if there is respect then you can work through it. Your problem is that he has shown that he doesn't respect you. You argue, the gloves come off and anything nasty goes, because he was 'wound up'. This is not healthy. You admit your relationship was a rollercoaster and then you bought a baby into the mix. Now even if he's doing the 'right' things, proposing etc. You don't believe it's for the long term. Why would you the track history is chaotic. It's not surprising you are insecure. So you needle, obsess and question for Plan B, what happens if he leaves you? You were also the girl who cried wolf, left him so he'd chase you to get you back. That gave you power, made you feel wanted.... Now you have the baby, perhaps you feel that tactic won't work in your favor anymore....not saying in any way I agree with the tactic but perhaps you might feel more insecure that you have lost your (extremely toxic by the way) weapon in your relationship you previously relied on.

In addition, when you have a baby, you get absolutely walloped with the love hormones. Of course you feel you would move mountains for your perfect, precious child. It's natures way of stopping us abandoning them to the wolves.... He is not jacked up on oxytocin so he's a bit more measured and it doesn't sound like he's being a bad father. He sounds fairly normal in his reactions, do what needs to be done. But he isn't laying down prostrate at the baby alter as you'd like him to?

The key issue is the foundations of your relationship are shite.... If you keep pushing for a Plan B scenario it a) might actually happen of b) he'll just tell you what he thinks you want to hear. It's not really helping anyone? Marrying him won't be a magic cure where you will suddenly have a better relationship or feel more secure either.....it might protect you more financially depending on your circumstance. However with his history of nastiness he sounds the sort to be a complete arsehole to divorce...I'd hold fire on the wedding if I were you.
I think you need to get back to the root cause of your issues which is respect. Respect from him and respect for yourself. I would suggest some therapy by yourself and pick it though. Why did you ever accept someone treating you that nasty way or making you feel insecure in the first place? I also think you need to work on yourself, get back to work, get financially independent, get friends and hobbies. Make yourself happy.

He wasnt always nasty. He said 2/3 years ago that I am going to chip away until nothing is left. And now he is nasty. He says he is angry he needs to be better and pit work in when he wakes up positive and starts his day with thinking up positive things. He says I start my day negatively and when something goes wrong my go to is going in a mood or blame. He says its my issues that have caused all of this and he thinks I should work twice as hard to get it back to a nice place. He says he has done his bit and if I continue arguing I will get his nasty side. But that isnt right

Have you tried, I don’t know, to stop looking for reasons to argue and blame and get stroppy?

So what would make you happy exactly?

I would advise my son to leave and take his daughter with him until you can control your emotions.

Would u not advise ur son to control his emotions too? If he is lashing out and driving fast cause he is annoyed? Or are men allowed if they are annoyed by women.

@Confusedgal0001 , Anyone would be annoyed by a partner who behaves like you.

@Confusedgal0001 You need therapy. Please for the sake of your daughter before you start having a go at her as well . You come off as extremely unhinged but you might have a personality disorder who knows? I feel sorry for your dp because he must be under so much stress. Please seek help.

From what you’ve described here you both need to be out of that environment
But fundamentally, yes, it is down to you as the woman to keep that child safe and at the moment you aren’t doing that.
The expectation and standards are different for women. You’ll discover that if social services get involved and it sounds like it’s only a matter of time.

So why would u tell your son to leave and take his daughter?

Again, its okay for him to be in charge of a child and be fisty ?

Mothers and their sons...

With that last sentence, you showed that you’re deliberately doing with us what you do to him - goad and provoke.

You clearly enjoy games and getting a reaction out of people.

I’m out of here.

Do you think he might have a point? Can you try reflecting on what he’s saying and try and change your behaviour? I’m not condoning nastiness but you sound a total nightmare and he sounds at the end of his tether. You will drive him away if you carry on. You don’t sound capable of bringing up a dc without causing them a lot of emotional damage unless you sort yourself out. Get therapy.

Women like you cause arguments go running to the police and play the victim.

Youve done yourself no favours on here, hopefully you’re not actually like this in real life.

Have you ever heard of something called Histrionic Personality Disorder? It's where someone constantly creates dramas around themselves to be the centre of attention and to be the hero or heroine of their lives. These people are exhausting to be around, although they can be charming and entertaining at first.

Read up on it, you might find it illuminating...

He wasnt always nasty. He said 2/3 years ago that I am going to chip away until nothing is left. And now he is nasty. He says he is angry he needs to be better and pit work in when he wakes up positive and starts his day with thinking up positive things. He says I start my day negatively and when something goes wrong my go to is going in a mood or blame. He says its my issues that have caused all of this and he thinks I should work twice as hard to get it back to a nice place. He says he has done his bit and if I continue arguing I will get his nasty side. But that isnt right

You moulded him into this.
And are now complaining because you got want you made.

To answer the question about how well he would co-parent?
He would be pretty bad because you are a fucking nightmare and will throw no end of road blocks up in front of him.

To all those that say that the OP is postpartum what is the excuse for how she behaved before the baby?

I dont know what to do then if he does something I dont like. I dont want to feel I csn never speak to him. He always assumes he is being nagged but he isnt. And he ways thinks oh here we go again so he automatically gets defensive. He has told me this. So what do I do? I have asked him and he said i can only speak to him if its valid and not nonsense. But if he is dictating that then how am I not walking on egg shells? I am not being thr problem here. And neither is he but genuinely, how would you navigate this and what can we do to improve?

For me, yes I grew up in a pretty chaotic household, arguments alot, mum walking out sometimes with me following her.. sister staying with my dad in floods of tears (we would always to back the next day!). I sometimes found myself praying that they wouldn't break up... my family wasnt even religious! So yes sometimes my mindset isnt great. I am trying to fix that. It breaks my heart the arguments we have had, especially infront of our little girl. Hearing her cry because we are shouting is incredibly upsetting and I want change asap. But it cant be all me. So please what can we do. We will break up after one last chance but how do we get better. I did go to therapy for a long time and even therapist agreed with partner behaviour wrong st times. I told him this and he would tell me I needed a new therapist or I wasnt telling them the truth. I was but he is no saint. So please, before we actually break up, for one last chance, what can WE do, not just me.

And that’s exactly why I would tell my son to get away from you because you can’t influence him. There’s no WE.
The only person that you can influence and the only behaviour you have any control over is your own.
Once you understand that you may be able to have a relationship with somebody else.
But right now you have a child who is your absolute priority, not fixing your relationship.
That needed to happen beforehand, but here we are.

@Confusedgal0001 , you could start by addressing your behaviour.

I am not being the problem here. but you are.

You seem to be blaming everything on someone or something else.

If you don't want your daughter being upset by the shouting don't have the arguments.

But he tells me he reacts to me. Where is his accountability?

Well we could say he needs to stop reacting to you but then where is your accountability?

Stop with the mind games and questioning and nitpicking and he won't have anything to react to.