He cant commit.to being in child's life

[Confusedgal0001]

Me and my dp are in such a rollercoster relationship. When its good, its perfect. When we disagree. We disagree hard and it ends in nasty arguments. He has gotten more nasty and its like "anything goes" and he justifies it by saying I have wound him up. He never used to be like this but says its because I chipped away at him. Saying that, I wasnt the easiest at the start I did gaslight, and cause many arguments and broke up with him to get him to chase me to win me over. That was years ago. I am not that person. Now he says when I accuse him of stuff or nag him he thinks "not this shit and he shuts down". Ive told him it isnt helpful and he says thats my own doing.

After giving birth to our daughter and brining her home. I was floored with the emotion I felt. The love for her was and is something else. I didnt know I could love this much. I remember looking at her and burst out crying and saying to him "we will always be together for the sake of our girl, she deserves the best we need to promise that". A few weeks later, I asked him. What would happen if we broke up with our daughter. Would we coparent. Be on good terms, etc. He was immediately offended. He shut down got nasty. Telling me he "didnt know". I was gobsmacked, and demanded how he couldn't day he would always be there for her. He said he wants to say that but he cant predict an unknown future. He then said he doesnt want to think about breaking up and to ask that question is a red flag. I have continued asking, every few weeks, it has never say right.

Sometimes he will say, we would coparent if on good terms, then he will say he doesnt know how much he would see our baby as he doesnt have all the details (ie where I would be living. Etc)

Each time I get annoyed he tells me I am creating this problem and he doesnt ever want to split up. He said if we were splitting up we would discuss everything and that would include our daughter hut right now he cant give me an answer. I said why cant he said he would move mountains and do anything. He said he would do what needed to be done, what was the right thing for our daughter. He then says I have issues for talking about all of this and refuses to agree anything with me!! Is this not a red flag? I can honestly say that no matter what happens with us, I will always be our baby's mum and I ain't going anywhere. I will be in her life until I die. Why cant he say same?!

Thanks

It sounds like he’s been defensive after a long time of you nit picking him. If I’d been in that situation I might have thought what you said about how if I’d known he wasn’t going to work on the bathroom I’d have washed my hair but i wouldn’t have said it. Because ultimately what does it gain? Doesn’t turn the clock back. I assume working on the bathroom is an occasional even a one off thing so it’s not like it’s something you need to tell him to stop it happening again.

I’d probably reflect on my own communication and think ok, he’s not a mind reader he doesn’t know I was thinking about washing my hair. So maybe I’d have been better off right at the start saying “how quick do I need to be, can I wash my hair”. And then there would never have been a problem. it’s not like he told you to be quick.

so yes, you’re nagging him and finding fault and it’s annoying. It’s not a case of your feelings being invalidated. It’s a case of you being a drama llama for no good reason.

he’s probably annoyed as he’s doing DIY and getting grief.

Do either of you work? Can you afford to split up and run two houses. Forget all this nonsense and focus on that as your goal.

Yes both work. I am on maternity leave tho. Its my no pay period at the moment.

Because your version turned into a 1 hour argument. Whoever is right or wrong this relationship is dead in the water and no good for your child.

You are creating this problem by demanding constant answers to your what if questions. It must be really draining for him to deal with this. I think you should seek coundelling for your insecurities

If you can’t have a simple conversation without it turning into an argument then I don’t know how you think you can be together.

From your latest updates it sounds like you simply have a clash of personality/communication style. I reckon you have both behaved dreadfully toward each other historically and are both clinging on to something non existent. Some people just shouldn’t be together.

Oh OP, this is just so toxic.
If you love your baby, source therapy to figure out how to do better.
I think the relationship is doomed, as relationships that begin from lies often are.
Therapy could help you understand yourself better, regulate yourself better so that you can co-parent well.

Your baby deserves better than a chaotic childhood like yours was.

Break the cycle.

Well we are having a chat tonight where we are cleaning the air.
I will apologise for my hypothetical questions and will apologise for being in a mood and not sticking to the plan for the cats. I do see my role in all of that. I will say to him I am sometimes passive as i worry if I'm direct then he will think I am nagging and get defensive immediately.
I will say we have lost all respect and it shows in an argument. I will say I love him whcih I do and I would like to work at respect and communicating effectively. I will say I cant control or police him but he needs to change how he reacts. If he wants to walk away fine its to cool down, it doesnt mean he the leaves all family life up to me when he is annoyed (he suddenly doesnt asnt dinner, wont help out, goes to bed early, doesnt help with baby, cats or dog unless I ask but he just retracts.). I will of course say if he thinks this is unfair or if he doesnt want to work on each other then I will agree to splitting. But he has to agree to working on himself, it isnt all me. We have both acted appallingly. It isnt about who is to blame. In moment, we are disgusting to each other. Not only is that upsetting for two people who love each other but we cant do that to our daughter who deserves the world. We should both be appalled. I am agreeing and will happily work on me and us as a couple but he needs to work on him, it isnt just all on me. He is in control of how he reacts when he is angry. He doesn't get to blame me for him doing xyz.

I dont know what to do then if he does something I dont like

You understand you don't need to feedback on every microscopic thing, right?

"I don't like your tone" in the middle of the night and still being huffy the next morning? I'm not surprised he feels you are endlessly nagging him and he's shut down.

You are damaged from your upbringing. Most of us are, one way or another. The difference is that sensible people recognise that, and put in the work to alter our behaviour and mindset.

You just shift the blame to him.

You would be best to go to couples therapy. You need an intermediary. He may well feel like you’re attacking him.

So you are going to sit and tell him he’s a massive problem and needs to sort himself out?

Please just split up.

It sounds like it.
OP you and your boyfriend need couple's counselling.
You need a trained intermediary to assist you both in learning to communicate without conflict.

Historically, it was built on lies. I did awful things. I am not proud i cheated and know for absolute certainty I wouldn't do it again. In my defense, me and xh didnt talk, spend time together and eventually slept in separate beds. We didnt really argue, we didnt care enough. So yes, one weekend I signed up to Internet dating as I was desperate for a chat, flirting conversation. Me and xh spent every evening apart and weekends was time we spent doing hobby stuff. I know I should have left. But I felt shame at being married for so little time, embarrassed at the whole situation and I didnt know what to do about finances and my dog. My current partner was the catalyst. He made me happy, seen, heard.. someone was genuinely interested in hearing about my day, he would remember things etc. It was lovely.

I should have taken time to be on my own but didn't. I cant turn back the clock. I didnt trust dp because... well, I knew how easy it was to lie and cheat, and as karma goes, why do I get a happy ending? I did dig into his past and interrogate him to no end. I was trying to find out everything, if I was leaving my marriage and uphealving my life, he had to be the right person. No lies (i know....), no drama (i know!!). I did sometimes want him to chase me and fight. I didnt have that before and it made me feel wanted. Oh he must really want this he is calling me despite me telling him to piss off. I did try ending things with xh before the affair, he told.me he was unhappy and listed lots of things he disliked about me. To name a few, I wasnt adventurous, I was boring, he liked me in the company of others not on my own, doesn't have anything to say to me, he wants to go and do stuff at weekends and I dont (simply intrue).. I didnt leave, I felt pretty shit to be honest and thought, I dont sound very good who would wsnt to be with me? So we agreed to get counselling and work through the issues but we didnt talk about it again and continued living separate lives.

So when dp was giving me compliments, I did wonder "why me?" He must say that to all the girls.

I am not playing the victim.

I am not good in arguments and cznt get nasty, as can dp!! I have to have everything out in the open, I dont like space as I associate it with breaking up and leaving (dont know why tho as its never happened to me!), I dont allow him space, I will follow him room to room, I will go in a mood and mop around, I dont know any other way.

But I do love dp like really love. We get on, we have different hobbies and interest but we talk about them and love how passionate the other person is. I love spending time with him and when I amin his arms it feels like home. He has also giving me the greatest gift of all, a baby, and I have loved him become a father.

Its not all bad or hateful. I love him, I know this isn't us or the guy I fell in love with. We feel stuck at the moment. I desperately want change. I will change but I always feel like its an attempt to change me or silence me while letting the other person get away with everything.

Thank you

This does sound like progress, op. It's hard for us to comment on his share of the chores and whether he's pulling his weight around the house, but obviously you should both be doing a reasonable share.

No he does his fair share in the house. Its when we have words he just retracts from family life and leaves it all to me. Thats what i mean.

I agree 100% with @DinosaurBlue .

You say if I dont like something he has done or said, how do I actually bring it up? But the point is you don't have to bring it up at all. In every relationship each partner sometimes says or does things the other one doesn’t like, but nine times out of ten they’re not worth mentioning. Just ignore it and move on.

If you do the same nit-picking with your DC once she is old enough to say or do things you don’t much like (obviously I’m not talking about important things you need to teach her), you will cause a lot of damage to your relationship with her.

You are needy and exhausting @Confusedgal0001 .

Okay, I am going to keep a diary and log stuff im not happy with and then review at end of the week or day. I will reflect on how bad it is or if I have overreacted. How does that sound

Yawn

But how are you going to be sure that you are taking an objective view of your own behaviour? That is a very difficult thing to do.

This is why people in the thread have suggested that you need therapy or counselling of some type. An impartial third party will be able to help you see problems in your own behaviour that you wouldn't spot.

For the sake of your daughter, please do consider this. It's very hard to break out of these thought patterns and behaviours without external help. A good therapist will help you do this and set you and your child up for a much happier future.

I will. I am totally committed. I don't want anymore drama or arguments so I really will. I will still think about counselling whether thats separate or couples. I need to do some research.

Yet here you are.. do u have nothing better to do this bank holiday?

If this is boring you, unfollow, ignore, stop commenting. Done.

Me, me, me, me me.

Are u okay?