He cant commit.to being in child's life

[Confusedgal0001]

Me and my dp are in such a rollercoster relationship. When its good, its perfect. When we disagree. We disagree hard and it ends in nasty arguments. He has gotten more nasty and its like "anything goes" and he justifies it by saying I have wound him up. He never used to be like this but says its because I chipped away at him. Saying that, I wasnt the easiest at the start I did gaslight, and cause many arguments and broke up with him to get him to chase me to win me over. That was years ago. I am not that person. Now he says when I accuse him of stuff or nag him he thinks "not this shit and he shuts down". Ive told him it isnt helpful and he says thats my own doing.

After giving birth to our daughter and brining her home. I was floored with the emotion I felt. The love for her was and is something else. I didnt know I could love this much. I remember looking at her and burst out crying and saying to him "we will always be together for the sake of our girl, she deserves the best we need to promise that". A few weeks later, I asked him. What would happen if we broke up with our daughter. Would we coparent. Be on good terms, etc. He was immediately offended. He shut down got nasty. Telling me he "didnt know". I was gobsmacked, and demanded how he couldn't day he would always be there for her. He said he wants to say that but he cant predict an unknown future. He then said he doesnt want to think about breaking up and to ask that question is a red flag. I have continued asking, every few weeks, it has never say right.

Sometimes he will say, we would coparent if on good terms, then he will say he doesnt know how much he would see our baby as he doesnt have all the details (ie where I would be living. Etc)

Each time I get annoyed he tells me I am creating this problem and he doesnt ever want to split up. He said if we were splitting up we would discuss everything and that would include our daughter hut right now he cant give me an answer. I said why cant he said he would move mountains and do anything. He said he would do what needed to be done, what was the right thing for our daughter. He then says I have issues for talking about all of this and refuses to agree anything with me!! Is this not a red flag? I can honestly say that no matter what happens with us, I will always be our baby's mum and I ain't going anywhere. I will be in her life until I die. Why cant he say same?!

Thanks

Why are you so obsessed with what happens if you split?

He could say one thing now thrn do something entirely different later on.

The way you're going it sounds far more likely that you'll both be having to do visitations to your child after SS get involved and remove her.

Your abuse against him (and his retaliation) counts as abuse towards your daughter in the eyes of the law (eg when you're all in the car).

I am dreadfully sorry for your unfortunate daughter.

Having read your other thread, it's obvious that you and your boyfriend need to split up.

You've based your relationship on a lie.
You've cut up his clothes.
Your can't stop nagging him.

I have read both of your threads and it sounds like you should not be together. You both keep picking arguments and it must be awful for your baby living in that atmosphere. Before you tell me that she doesn’t know, she will know that there’s a bad atmosphere and that you’re both selfish and obsessed with being right.

It makes me actually sad that you’ve brought a child into this relationship.

another generation that will be fucked up because of what they see at home.

I’m sorry OP, but you are totally the issue here. You need to stop playing these toxic mind games with him and focus on creating a stable, happy environment for your baby.
If my DH relentlessly asked (stupidly detailed) questions about what would happen if we split up, I would not feel happy at all, it’s no wonder your DP gets angry and frustrated.
He sounds like he is doing all the right things for your child and the answers he has given to your questions are more than reasonable.

You need to speak to someone to understand why you feel the need to play games, provoke responses, etc it’s a really unhealthy behaviour and will make you miserable in the long run.

I’ve just read your other thread. I don’t say this lightly but I’m really concerned about your child’s welfare. Neither of you sound capable of parenting your baby adequately. Shouting and screaming at each other, cutting his clothes up, you deliberately making him late to wind him up and provoke an argument. This is a shocking environment to expose a child to. You say you love her, this is not how loving parents behave, you’re using a baby as a weapon against your DP, it’s appalling.

You need to grow the fuck up. Your baby doesn't deserve such shit parents. You can't change the baby's father but you do have control and responsibility over your own behaviour.

You are a nightmare. You're in denial about your many, many issues and you are actively blowing up your relationship.

I don't know if he was a nightmare before your disaster of a relationship but he's heading there now. He shouldn't have slapped your leg in the car (other thread) but your behaviour - including the massive drip feed - is appalling.

Stop badgering him, you are being a pain in the arse!

As for the logistics of the inevitable breakup of this toxic relationship, he is absolutely correct that his degree of parenting will be determined by proximity. If he is a savvy father and wants to be an involved parent, he will go to court to block you from moving away with your shared child.

If the two of you want to be active coparents, you need to agree on a city and both live there.

Book yourself into some kind of therapy immediately. Your behavior is the problem here.

Stop asking him that question, you already know he's invested, its your anxiety driving this and no answer he gives will resolve that. The real question is will I be left alone raising this bay while he disappears. A not uncommon fear for any new mum, but a fear for a therapist, not to him after an argument.

Also own your own behaviour and the consequences of that. You gaslit him from the beginning about the relationship. So what might look like him being evasive could actually be a man who already learned that you are not trustworthy. Breaking trust like that does not come without consequence and it can take a very long time to rebuild trust.

Still, what he is doing making his behaviour your fault is not ok either. If he can't take responsibility for his behaviour, the relationship wont last.

But basically marrying into all this without addressing the issues will make it all worse. You need to stop outsourcing your anxiety to him, and start to get clear if this is a man who can be better, or if he will never be accountable for his actions. Because right now you cant tell the difference. Ideally you both need counselling, seperately and together.

Great post.

OP has been given a lot of good advice on here, but sadly for her daughter I don't think she's going to.

i commented on your other thread but tbh it’s stupid starting a new thread about one aspect of your relationship when the whole thing is so tainted that any one single interaction is irrelevant. I was one of the few posters at the time to lay more blame at his door for slapping you than at yours for being nasty and a general nightmare, but based solely on the info in this thread you sound like the bigger problem.

Either way, you build this relationship on quicksand, lying and gaslighting, and now it’s crumbling. Get out, build two safe and secure, calm and nurturing homes for your baby and spend some time on and by yourself before you go rushing into another shitshow of a relationship.

You seem to be the problem. Stop looking for dramas.

Hi OP. The last thing you need is AIBU on Mumsnet over a long long weekend to help solve your relationship issues.

You sound to be very confused and troubled. Can you speak to your GP and explain some of what you've described here, and in the meantime forget this thread and try to enjoy time with your baby.

So you’re insecure cause you are not a trustworthy person yourself. Pretty standard.

I know on the other thread you said he hit you and asked if he were abusive. I’m not condoning his action but it sounds like you are emotionally abusive and are pushing the boundaries.

tbh you sound completely fucked up. You need to stop being a dick and sort yourself out.

Would you feel better if he did come to you with a plan?

Surely it's so much worse if he comes to you and says
"Oh actually i've thought about our breakup alot, i'd want our daughter 50/50 every Sunday through Wednesday, My plan is to hire a nanny for two of the days, the other one i'll ask my mom to watch her. From the age of 4 i'll put her in ballet lessons on my time of course."

You sound a bit unhinged and you're just going to drive him away. The more you question it the more you'll plant the idea of a breakup in his head.

Actually youre right. That would worry me.

What is the time line of your relationship? I'm sure in one of your updates you said you'd been together 4 years, which really isn't very long.

Especially given that in the beginning you lied repeatedly about being single, and gaslit him multiple times when he expressed doubts about your situation.

He must find it hard to trust someone who has treated him so badly...

You must have some mental health issues being exacerbated by post partum. I say this kindly. You need to seek help. The things you are asking and keep badgering with are not normal.

The post partum hormones are no joke. They are exacerbating whatever issues you had. Some antidepressants might help.

FUCKING HELL.

So not only do you badger on about him leaving you, you have treated him horribly in the past.

Yet despite all of that, he stays with you.

You need to count your lucky stars but I do hope the two of you split - an incredibly toxic relationship that you have created. This really isn’t a good example for your daughter.

Why is everyone sticking up for him? I was abusive years ago and changed my behaviour. Ive never laid hands on him again or destroy anything. So he can hit me whenever hes annoyed? All because of "yeah but u hit him 4 years ago". Yeah I deserve everything I get for life with all ur logics

Four years isn’t a long time. In that time you have cheated, cut up all clothes, constantly broke up with him to test him and by your own admission, gaslit him.

He gave you a “hard tap” in the car the other day when you were causing yet another argument. He is absolutely in the wrong for hitting you. No one should lay their hands on anyone, no matter the circumstances. But this isn’t a relationship where you are the innocent victim. You are just as toxic and in fact, worse because you keep looking for ways to cause more drama.

Again?
so you hit him too?