He cant commit.to being in child's life

[Confusedgal0001]

Me and my dp are in such a rollercoster relationship. When its good, its perfect. When we disagree. We disagree hard and it ends in nasty arguments. He has gotten more nasty and its like "anything goes" and he justifies it by saying I have wound him up. He never used to be like this but says its because I chipped away at him. Saying that, I wasnt the easiest at the start I did gaslight, and cause many arguments and broke up with him to get him to chase me to win me over. That was years ago. I am not that person. Now he says when I accuse him of stuff or nag him he thinks "not this shit and he shuts down". Ive told him it isnt helpful and he says thats my own doing.

After giving birth to our daughter and brining her home. I was floored with the emotion I felt. The love for her was and is something else. I didnt know I could love this much. I remember looking at her and burst out crying and saying to him "we will always be together for the sake of our girl, she deserves the best we need to promise that". A few weeks later, I asked him. What would happen if we broke up with our daughter. Would we coparent. Be on good terms, etc. He was immediately offended. He shut down got nasty. Telling me he "didnt know". I was gobsmacked, and demanded how he couldn't day he would always be there for her. He said he wants to say that but he cant predict an unknown future. He then said he doesnt want to think about breaking up and to ask that question is a red flag. I have continued asking, every few weeks, it has never say right.

Sometimes he will say, we would coparent if on good terms, then he will say he doesnt know how much he would see our baby as he doesnt have all the details (ie where I would be living. Etc)

Each time I get annoyed he tells me I am creating this problem and he doesnt ever want to split up. He said if we were splitting up we would discuss everything and that would include our daughter hut right now he cant give me an answer. I said why cant he said he would move mountains and do anything. He said he would do what needed to be done, what was the right thing for our daughter. He then says I have issues for talking about all of this and refuses to agree anything with me!! Is this not a red flag? I can honestly say that no matter what happens with us, I will always be our baby's mum and I ain't going anywhere. I will be in her life until I die. Why cant he say same?!

Thanks

Get therapy.

Honestly OP it's very hard to follow the meaning in this post.

Why would you post as someone else on your own post, asking if he was abusive?

Are you trying to tell us that he IS actually abusive, and so you created the opportunity to be able to say it?

From what you have told us of your conversations with him, you come across as harassing and unreasonable. He comes across as fed up with you constantly asking 'what if' questions about made up scenarios.

It does indeed seem like it is "all you" and he is just reacting to your constant badgering.

He has now proposed and changed his Will, presumably to make provision for you and your DD, and mentioned private school for her.
So he has made commitments.

Did you accept his proposal?

Are you happy with the Will provision?

Nothing in life is guaranteed, OP. Seems like he is doing his best to make you feel secure.
Perhaps nothing he could do or say will be enough, and the issue lies with you to resolve it.
I would consider counselling if I were you...

OP you are the problem. You seriously need therapy.

It’s only you that needs to sort things. Stop badgering the guy. I hope the poor bastard doesn’t marry you for his sake!

Your abusive and gas lighting

unfortunately people can only take so much so at some point he’ll snap and then no doubt you’ll be happily playing the victim

No so basically my other post on the other thread is the argument and then after we split. I said I needed his reassurance about him and baby life if he wanted back together. So this conversation in this thread is ongoing every few weeks. I didnt create a space to share he was abusive or is. I genuinely dont know if he is, or if I have pushed him to it or if we are both a mess after a messy start

I basically told him I was single when we met. I wasnt and had an affair with him. It all came out eventually after years being together. I was going to leave my exhusband anyway, current dp was the catalyst. He did suspect something wasnt right but I kept lying and told him he was making it up.

You are going to find out how he will react if you split up because you are going to drive him away if this continues and I wouldn't blame him TBH. Seriously, get help.

Op you’re either on a wind up and just jumped the shark here, or he needs to get out asap!

If this thread is true than I think the relationship is dead anyway - or soon will be.
And I think OP's partner sounds right with what he says

Just read your last post, fuck me. He needs to get away from you ASAP, you are a toxic mess. Poor bloke and your poor baby.

You haven't really been reading what everyone is saying to you have you?

Yes not great but this was years ago I am different.

Do we need help is he abusive? | Mumsnet is this you, @Confusedgal0001 ?

Me and other people are responding to how you say you are now

No, you’re not different OP. You cheated on your husband with him and lied that you were single. You had a baby with him, seemingly as some sort of ‘test’ and now you’re harassing him by demanding the answers you want to hear about made up, hypothetical scenarios. It’s your baby I feel most sorry for, she needs raising in a calm, secure home without all this needless drama.

At this rate, you're going to find out exactly how he'll co-parent, because you're pushing him away with your constant questioning.

How long have you been together? Per your other post, you were cutting his clothes up after an argument three years ago, which really isn’t all that long ago.

I am not perfect nor am I pretending to be innocent party but how does he get a free pass speeding (he says i created that by being slow and making us late), him lashing out (he says he has had enough and felt trapped... trapped how he was the one shoiting)

DARVO

You're not making sense.

FGS split up, for the baby's sake.
Bring brought up in this atmosphere of accusations and arguments will be very bad for her.

Are you even reading people's answers?

Honestly op you sound truly UNBEARABLE. I would have dumped you by now

Where is the other post?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5512771-do-we-need-help-is-he-abusive?reply=151508801

this one

Take it from someone who is divorced- people say all kinds of shit when they are happy in relationships. You know those dads who never see their kids ? A big proportion would have told the mother that he would do anything to stop them taking their child away etc The partners who said that they wouldn’t be combative in a theoretical divorce? Many will turn nasty about money or contact.

Is your partner more careful and cautious with how words? For example ia he the type to take time to say “ I love you” etc

Congratulations on the birth of your dd. Have you considered that bonding with your child is different when you’re a dad? As mum you’ve known her for months before the birth- felt her move, gone through the massive physical birth process where as some dads only start the emotional
process once the child is born and before that they focus on the practical like building cots etc. I’m not saying that dads can’t be emotional but even for many women, they don’t feel the surge of adoration that you’ve felt since day 1.

Is he proving his love by looking after her well and getting to know her? Judge him by his actionw (or lack of) and let go of your obsession. Even if he now said that he loves her as much as you do, he might not want to say it any more because it could trigger an “I’ll told you so” or another obsession.

Wow!
That was one hell of a drip feed.

I'm sorry, but with every post you sound more unreasonable...

You tricked him into a relationship based on a huge lie ie that you were single.

You used him to get out of your first marriage.

You then dumped him to make him chase after you, which presumably he did because you're together now.

You're now constantly harassing him to give you certainty, but he is finally fed up with your game-playing, and refuses to engage.

Despite all this, he has proposed and is doing all he can to give your daughter security.

Unless there are more huge drip feed revelations to come, this is all you, OP.

You say you are a different person now, but you're not really because you're still playing mind games and testing him.

If I was your DP's friend, I'd be advising him to seriously reconsider that proposal.

And maybe your DD would be better off with him ...