AIBU to think my brother-in-law and partner are copying us?

[maria199]

I feel like my husband’s brother and his partner are ‘copying’ us. My husband’s older brother is known to copy him and has done throughout his life. It really annoys my husband but he is often told to try to not let it bother him. Now I feel I am noticing a bit of a pattern with him and his partner and I don’t know if I am being unreasonable to feel like this?

Our daughter was born at the end of October (our first baby) and when I was pregnant we had shared names we liked. One of the names was a boy name that was very meaningful to me and I was told at the time that was their “favourite name” and what they would call their baby (they were not pregnant). My husband said another boys name he liked and then suddenly a couple of weeks later that was the name they were going to call their hypothetical baby. We ended up having a girl and forgot all about it. They have announced they are having a baby due mid November and a boys name for them is the name my husband said he liked. I don’t care as we definitely cannot gatekeep names, but it’s just a thing to add to the ‘copying’.

I had a miscarriage 2 months before being pregnant with my daughter, so when I was pregnant with her we got 2 early scans as I was very anxious (I calmed down a lot later on in pregnancy). They have had an early scan and have another one booked in 2 weeks. Again, completely their right and nothing to do with me but it’s just another thing.

Last Easter we announced my pregnancy to our family at the family meal (I was 12 weeks) and then this year at the family Easter meal they have announced theirs (around 8 weeks pregnant). Again, nothing to do with me when people announce but just another thing.

My husband and I are married but I kept my name and our daughter has my name as this was something I was clear I wanted. Today at lunch they said that the baby will not have my brother-in-law’s name but will take his partners name. Again fine, but it’s another thing.

My daughter has gorgeous red hair, neither me or my husband have red hair at all. At lunch my brother-in-law’s partner was saying she’s a natural red head and the baby will likely come out ginger. An odd comment to make I feel?

When they told us about their pregnancy they told us the day they found out and followed it by saying that the baby will be almost exactly a year after ours and that’s what they wanted. At the time I thought nothing of it, but again looking back it seems like an odd comment to make.

They mentioned some prams they looked at and one of the ones they like is the one we have. Again, I can’t gatekeep a pram but it’s just another thing.

I am very happy for them and looking forward to meeting my niece/nephew in the future. We get on very well and my husband and his brother are close. It just seems a lot things seem similar and I guess I’m not sure if I’m just being very self-centred in thinking this is a bit of ‘copying’ and therefore being unreasonable, or whether this just seems like a bunch of coincidences.

Other than the name I don't see any copying, even that is it's a bog standard ten a penny name it is what it is, they are just doing things lots of couples do. Lots of people have early scans these days, it's also more and more usual for women to keep their own name, you're not a trend setter. Easter is an ideal time to reveal a pregnancy as family will all be together, it's like you're looking for something to be annoyed about. We also asked couples we knew about their prams as a recommendation from someone who had used them is valuable, we had the same with us after we had DS it's just normal behaviour and conversation. Is it because the attention is on them and their baby now?

You are making the mistake of thinking everything you do is new and original. It's not. There is nothing in your post to suggest your brother-in-law and his wife are "copying" you.

Human beings have been having children and giving them names since Adam and Eve. The popularity of names comes and goes.

The likelihood of two children in the same family or social group having the same name is high. They are not copying each other, they are following the same trend.

Women who don't have at least two scans during pregnancy are the exception.

It is perfectly normal to announce a pregnancy when the whole family are together.

Your life and theirs are following the same path as millions of families all over the world. They are not copying you.

You are being unreasonable.

Make stuff up. See if they copy.

Okay you beat my scenarios 😂😂😂

Absolutely. All of the things she’s done are just completely ordinary things.

All you have done is have a baby and bought a pram. ‘One of the ones we like is one we have’. Are you saying you chose a crap ow and so they would never have come to the conclusion it was a good option had you not chosen it. And do you think they have chosen a baby name that they don’t like because you said you liked it?

To me, it sounds like you think you are better than they are. You don’t like them and you are absolutely determined to cause a scene.

She can’t help having red hair!

Yes, breathe in and out. If they do that then you’ve caught them!

Nothing they have done is unreasonable at all, except maybe stealing the name your husband liked. As you’ve had two miscarriages, maybe you can understand them wanting to have early scans? Most women have early scans, it’s not something you can gatekeep. Your babies are born around the same time of year so of course they’ll announce around the same time when the family is together i.e. the Easter dinner. It sounds like you are looking for things to pick at and make it a problem? I actually think your post is really mean.

Good God. Why do you CARE? I remember when I was pregnant with my first, we named a girl’s name we liked and ex-SIL said we couldn’t use that as it was “her” name for a baby. She wasn’t pregnant and didn’t even have a boyfriend. I just ignored her as it was so ridiculous. She went on to have 2 boys years later.

Even then, it's quite conceivable one of them liked it long before OP and DH did. Maybe they'd have thought of it as stealing if OP had used it first! And with the level of barrel scraping OP is doing, I bet the name is something like Jack or Noah and the pram is a Bugaboo.

Sorry Op but that was a bit of a let down after the title!

I find my MIL difficult & used to replay what she'd said/done that pissed me off.

I realised it was a waste of time & she probably gave none of our interactions a second thought!

Stop giving them headspace!

Just enjoy your daughter!

You are overthinking this. You don’t own names, you’re not the first person to have an early scan and you’re not the first person to make an announcement at a big family meal.
You’re not as special as you think you are.

Apart from the name thing which I’d find annoying, the other things seem fine to me without having any broader context. Things like the same pram- I didn’t have a clue what to get so seeing something a family member used would likely influence me to get that as there are so many etc. Having two scans- maybe they were particularly anxious for reasons you don’t know or were advised to, or maybe they thought it’s a good idea to do because you had two scans. A lot of this might just be seeing someone they are close to make certain choices and feeling anxious that they get their choices right so they do what you/your DH did as it seems to have worked well. It doesn’t sound like there’s any ill intent. And at the end of the day does it really matter?

Hmmm... I can get how it's irritating. But everyone gets a bit "I'm the first person in the history of the universe to have a baby", especially when it's their first. And gets hyper-sensitive if anyone tries to steal their thunder. But there's only so many ways to "have a first baby", that everyone kind of does the same thing.

The only thing that DOES seem a bit "copy-ish" is the name thing. But you should have known better not to share names you were precious about, with a couple at a similar life-stage as you, one of which has long history of perceived "copying".

Everything else, the early scans, announcing at a family event around the right sort of time, and the pram... You're massively over-thinking.

Stop telling them anything, it really helps in situations like this.

This all sounds very main character on your part. Are you just annoyed that they having a baby soon after you so it’s not all about your child any more?

The other week someone was complaining that their sister in law kept trying to outdo them by choosing different things and claiming they were better. You’re complaining that yours has made similar choices to you, why not just be flattered?

Stop watching them for your own peace of mind

They didn't "steal" the name.

The early scans thing is mad, they are so common now that I don’t know a single person who’s waited for their booking in scan. Everyone I know has had an early scan.

The name thing is annoying but what can you do. Tell her that you went off all of the names you liked during your pregnancy and she probably will too. Then drop decoy names.

YABU about the rest.

One of the names they like is one your husband has mentioned he likes. One of the prams they're interested in is the same make as your pram. They may well end up going for neither the name nor the pram. Or maybe they like the pram because they've seen you use it and therefore realise that it fits the bill - people quite often go for equipment that friends or relatives have used and recommend.

If you think it's a good idea for a baby to have its mother's name, why is it wrong for someone else to believe the same? A lot of people choose to get pregnant early in the year so that the baby will not be one of the very young ones in the class when they start school. Announcing a pregnancy in the early stages is 100% normal, and choosing a time like Easter when the family may be together or not be distracted by work is also normal. And so on and so on. They might be copying you, or they might just be living their own lives.

Could it be more that you have set a “precedent” on how things are done and they are “following “ you rather than “copying”.
This may be a useful way to frame it so it is less irritating.

I got 2 early scans too. Promise I wasn’t copying you.

You sound really petty to be honest.

The early pregnancy scan is not unusual at all. I've had terrible loss - stillbirth and neonatal death [full term twins] and also 2 early miscarriages. It's been horrendous. Pregnant friends openly told me they opted for early scans after what happened to dh and I. I totally get it. No one goes into early scans buzzing with excitement, it absolutely gut wrenching until you hear that heartbeat.

The other stuff is just other stuff. I think you are reading into it sorry. Let it go over your head

I think you need to get a hobby or find something better to care about

As someone else said it sounds main character from you. Like you feel they’re stealing your thunder a bit by starting their own family.

Don’t discuss baby names with people if it’s going to upset you that they might like the same ones. The rest is just silly-everyone announces their pregnancy at some point-presumably when people are together at Easter is a good time. Early scans for reassurance are incredibly common, so are certain makes of pushchair.

Are they going to ‘copy’ you by sending their child to nursery and school as well?!