AIBU to think my brother-in-law and partner are copying us?

[maria199]

I feel like my husband’s brother and his partner are ‘copying’ us. My husband’s older brother is known to copy him and has done throughout his life. It really annoys my husband but he is often told to try to not let it bother him. Now I feel I am noticing a bit of a pattern with him and his partner and I don’t know if I am being unreasonable to feel like this?

Our daughter was born at the end of October (our first baby) and when I was pregnant we had shared names we liked. One of the names was a boy name that was very meaningful to me and I was told at the time that was their “favourite name” and what they would call their baby (they were not pregnant). My husband said another boys name he liked and then suddenly a couple of weeks later that was the name they were going to call their hypothetical baby. We ended up having a girl and forgot all about it. They have announced they are having a baby due mid November and a boys name for them is the name my husband said he liked. I don’t care as we definitely cannot gatekeep names, but it’s just a thing to add to the ‘copying’.

I had a miscarriage 2 months before being pregnant with my daughter, so when I was pregnant with her we got 2 early scans as I was very anxious (I calmed down a lot later on in pregnancy). They have had an early scan and have another one booked in 2 weeks. Again, completely their right and nothing to do with me but it’s just another thing.

Last Easter we announced my pregnancy to our family at the family meal (I was 12 weeks) and then this year at the family Easter meal they have announced theirs (around 8 weeks pregnant). Again, nothing to do with me when people announce but just another thing.

My husband and I are married but I kept my name and our daughter has my name as this was something I was clear I wanted. Today at lunch they said that the baby will not have my brother-in-law’s name but will take his partners name. Again fine, but it’s another thing.

My daughter has gorgeous red hair, neither me or my husband have red hair at all. At lunch my brother-in-law’s partner was saying she’s a natural red head and the baby will likely come out ginger. An odd comment to make I feel?

When they told us about their pregnancy they told us the day they found out and followed it by saying that the baby will be almost exactly a year after ours and that’s what they wanted. At the time I thought nothing of it, but again looking back it seems like an odd comment to make.

They mentioned some prams they looked at and one of the ones they like is the one we have. Again, I can’t gatekeep a pram but it’s just another thing.

I am very happy for them and looking forward to meeting my niece/nephew in the future. We get on very well and my husband and his brother are close. It just seems a lot things seem similar and I guess I’m not sure if I’m just being very self-centred in thinking this is a bit of ‘copying’ and therefore being unreasonable, or whether this just seems like a bunch of coincidences.

I think you need a hobby OP.

@maria199 people will come on here and tell you you are overthinking it, but unless you are living the situation its hard to understand. We are in the same situation with my OH's brother and it drives me bonkers. People kept telling me I was mad until they did one thing that could definitely not be considered a coincidence at all. It still continues now. We don't share any future plans with them anymore, and keep our distance. I found being validated made it easier to ignore the situation so no, YANBU, and while others may not see it (and I'm sure there are some genuine coincidences too), it's frustrating as hell!!!!

Brothers are likely to have similar tastes, and announcing a pregnancy at a family gathering is pretty normal, so is being anxious about a first pregnancy. Baby names can be in fashion and when you talk about them it may bring particular names to the front of someone's mind. If you have a pram which you are happy with, why wouldn't they buy the same one rather than one they don't have first hand knowledge about? Of course if you have told them a dozen times that it's a crappy pram and you wished you hadn't bought it that would be different. You are the front runner in the baby stakes so it's natural they will be looking to you a bit on what to do and buy. I think you are being a bit silly thinking they are deliberately copying you in some way, I wouldn't give it any head space.

Likewise.

Early scans, being red haired, a type of pram?! Batshit.

Blimey you sound hard work. Or 12.

Not everything is about you

They do seem to be copying you. If they are nice in other ways, I would leave it and not share thoughts with them. If they are not very nice in other ways, I would limit how often you see them.

Honestly, some PP on this thread. If I made a thread saying I was raped by Hitler, you'd get people saying perhaps he was lonely, perhaps I deserved it, what was I wearing?? There's always people who like to tell others just how wrong/weird they're being.

Honestly OP most of these aren’t copying and some sound a bit self centred and dilute your argument for the others - do you honestly think you’re unique in getting early pregnancy scans…?! If you do feel like they keep getting inspiration from things you do, just don’t tell them. Some of it’s a bit mean though, like if I really liked my pram and someone else wanted the same things out of it, I’d have no problem recommending it or giving tips.

These examples just sound like normal stuff. The names thing is slightly irritating but just don’t tell them your actual name choices throw out some decoy names. The rest don’t over think it, it’s either just coincidence or they admire you guys and want to be like you. Thats a compliment, having the same pram that they know you got on with is not a big deal. Just go about your life and leave them to it and don’t tell them anything too personal that you want for yourself.

This all just sounds like standard stuff.
Many people have early scans.
Theres usually a 'pram' of the moment that everyone buys.
Announcing a pregnancy when everyone is together is what a lot of people do.
A ginger kid when your ginger yourself, yes it's certainly a possibility.
It's nice for a family to have babies/ children close in age, they 'grow up' together.
You're massively overthinking this, unless there's a lot more you haven't said.

I think you are overthinking this, most of it probably coincidence or them valuing your input.

Having said that , I would be tempted to drop some fake names to see if they copy for a laugh.

See if you can get them to name a child Ajax, Domestos or Cillit (Bang!)

if a friend has a pushchair she likes I’d probably consider it, you having early scans might make them think that’s an option for them

i agree with this. it’s not copying, just completely normal.

Firstly, never share baby names with people if you don’t want to risk them getting “stolen”. And who cares if she’s had scans (millions of people do). Why are you letting all this bother you.

I don't think the examples you've given sound like copying.

My husband’s older brother is known to copy him and has done throughout his life

Don't you think it's more likely they're just similar in some ways/tastes because they're related?

Also with every example you give, you're quick to say 'which is their right' and 'I was happy for them', which is pretty hollow when clearly you don't like it and are keeping score of them 'copying' you. Just admit you don't like them so much and were pissed off when they did these things instead of pretending, that would at least be honest. But perhaps you can't be because what you know deep down is that all these things they've done are within the realms of normal and if it signals anything it's simply that they like you and how you live your life and what's wrong with that? Would you rather they sniffed at it and did the opposite?

You are being ridiculous!

You really need to get over yourself.

you sounds like the only person who has been through a pregnancy and birth. Literally everything you’ve mentioned is what countless people do when expecting.

Your list of things you did that they’ve also done is entirely bog standard. Nothing you’ve done is so special that someone else doing it is copying you 🙄 you need to unclench

My favourite thing about this post is the ‘that’s fine’ whilst it also ‘being another thing’. I think you should focus on your own life, this sounds quite petty.

This - people are always making announcements at Easter, Christmas etc because (in most cases) it’s a guarantee that the family will be together and if they did it at a family party they’d be accused of stealing the limelight.

I was expecting OP to say she’d copied her by doing a (niche) degree in Folklore Studies or a Peruvian Weaving course lol

I agree with this list.

When I was pregnant with DD I asked my sister for lots of advice. I didn't copy her purchases because she was done with having children so she gave me lots of stuff including a pram.

It sounds like this couple were wanting guidance.

I also doubt that the OP will be back as most posters think she is being silly.

I was hoping they had decorated their house identical to yours or dressed like twins.
I’d start saying your next baby will be Hades or Verruca.

The examples you’ve given are borderline, but I do get the frustration at the copying thing. What’s worse is that when you list things out, they always seem petty, but it’s the sheer frequency that all these little things happen, right?

My copier is my mother, which adds a very weird layer to it and it seems like SHE feels she’s always in competition with me. It’s so sad and disappointing. I hate having her over as the very next week she’ll send a photo saying “look at this lovely (thing that she’s seen at mine), what do you think? I thought I’d buy it to put in (exactly where mine is).” I don’t even know how to respond apart from “oh you liked mine did you?” And she plays dumb and says she hadn’t even noticed that I had one, despite sitting right in front of it during her visit.

She once recreated my hallway in her house, same bold wall colour, same bold pattern carpet, same sideboard and even the same vintage decor find (she must have trawled the whole internet for one). She just sent me a photo one day asking what I thought about her new hallway. I just sent one back of my hallway saying “snap!” And she again played innocent and said she’d never even noticed mine. I wouldn’t mind if she acknowledged it and said “ooh I love that thing/style, where did you get it?” I really don’t care if she wants the same for her house/life, it’s the way she does it on the sly and pretends it was her idea.

The worst was when I needed a new car as mine was faulty. I really wanted a certain brand/model/colour as I’m not really into cars and this was the only one I found attractive and suitable, but my husband didn’t like it, so we chose something else. I JOKED to my mum that I was sulking as I wasn’t allowed what I wanted! A week later my dad mentioned that he didn’t know what had come over my mum but she was trying to convince him to trade in their perfectly fine car and get one of the exact brand/model/colour that I wanted (he was unaware of our conversation about it). He had no idea why she was so obsessed with it as she doesn’t even drive and was fed up of her hounding him with multiple links a day to auto trader listings for them. It seemed like she was just desperate to get the thing she thought I wanted but couldn’t have.

I really couldn’t give a toss about the car, it just makes me so sad to know that my mother is always jealously plotting to one-up me all the time.😔

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Crikey. Someone took too many self importance pills.