AIBU to expect a tidy house when the children are at school?

[Comparelightly]

AIBU to think if you are sahm and your dc are in school(2 primary and 1 secondary) that your house should be tidy and jobs should be done? I hate comparing and I’m prepared for flack in this too, but my sister is a sahm, her dp works full time(4long days) …I work mon-Fri full time (as does my DP). Our houses are polar opposites, hers is always a mess and so disorganised (and before anyone asks no she has no ADHD etc) she has one more dc that me so we could factor that in. I have offered so often to help her sort things, because she’ll say “oh never mind that pile there I need to sort that” meanwhile I’m thinking “you have been home all day with no dc WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING!?” I’m wondering if she’s depressed? I mean she surface cleans and that’s about it. But there’s stuff everywhere, there’s not one empty surface! I have never once uttered the words “what do you do all day?!” I say nothing. But should I?

Why does it bother you so much? Its ok to be messy! Its her choice IMO

It’s not really anything to do with you though, is it? So what if her house has clutter on surfaces? Obviously if her house was dirty and a health hazard it’s not good for any of them, but if it’s just a case of clutter and piles of stuff around the place, perhaps she just has different priorities and is choosing to use her time elsewhere doing other stuff. It’s really only the business of her and her partner.

Jealousy is a disease girl. Yabu.

I’m not jealous at all trust me…I tried being a sahm, it’s not for me I got bored.

Well it bothers me because she goes on about it, oh I have to do this, I must sort that, mind that there I Need to Move it etc so it doesn bother her

Not a health hazard but definitely safety hazards!!

I believe you girl 😄

On the face of it you’re not being unreasonable however you are also being unreasonable to judge anyone’s house. It’s probably organised chaos and there’s wrong with that. Perhaps your house is tidy because no one actually “lives” in it.

Just don't go to her house, invite her to yours instead. I get the feeling you look down on her for being a SAHM though and think you're superior, so you probably will keep going over.

It's not your place to 'expect' anything of anyone else's house. It's really nothing to do with you. Nothing.
Mind your own, leave her alone and go about your own life.

Some people are naturally messy and untidy - doesn't matter if they are stay at home parents or not. Their priorities just differ to yours or they are just plain lazy. Don't lose any sleep over it and leave them to it! Her circus her monkeys!

It the age old thing different people different standards

Well she can never find anything tbh 😅 oh I live in my house, about the same amount of time as most people…I just keep it tidy.

Quite the opposite actually, I admire her for it because I tried it want stir crazy…😅

Yeah we shared a room all our lives and I kept it tidy, I suppose I assumed was tidy also but in hindsight I did the cleaning, she watched 🤣🤣

As a sahm your house is more likely to be messy because youre using it a lot more. Maybe her focus is on looking after her kids and not just cleaning. Such a judgeu post.

Of course you shouldn't say anything! It's her house, her choice.

But they are in school…the same hours as mine! They are in the same school!

Well why might there be a difference between you.
DM and DF, one tidy one messy.
big age difference and DPs were better off for one DD than the other
One child favoured over the other
Many other siblings, messy house?
etc

I was a SAHP for a couple of years. Was my house tidy during this time? Not really.

Yes, DS was at school "all day" but we walked there and back, so it was usually about 10.15 by the time I got back home - I would usually do a shop or run some errands on the way back, then I was back out again just after 2.15 to walk back to the school for the pick-up.

So I had 4 hours on days I was home.

But I met friends for coffee or lunch quite often, popped round to see in-laws or took MIL shopping etc. The reality was that I wasn't at home 4 hours a day every day. Other more interesting stuff filled those hours.

So as long as the kitchen and bathroom were clean, I kept on top of the laundry, the shopping and cooking occurred, hoovering and mopping got done and I managed the life admin with no disasters, I was happy. House was still generally messy.

Depends whether you think the features of a stay at home mum is that she stays at home (not all the time) and does the main share of the parenting chores. Part of parenting is keeping a clean and tidy house. This is what is being role modelled to the children.

Why do you care? You don't live there.

You really need to both keep your nose out and stop judging.

I live with my adult child and their partner.

I'm, by nature tidy. I don't put things down, I put them away. It's not a virtue, it's just my nature.

adult child and partner are, by nature untidy. that's not their vice, it's their nature.

On the other hand, I don't see dust, cobwebs and dirt. Adult child and partner can spot these at 15 yards. That's not their virtue of my vice. It's just different people being, you know, different.

Surprised you have so much time to think about it, it must take you ages to iron those huge judgey pants.

in case of any doubt still. NO you don't 'mention anything' you mind your own business & stop thinking you're so superior to your sister.

Some people dont have the level of executive function to keep on top of their homes. And they dont care.