AIBU to expect a tidy house when the children are at school?

[Comparelightly]

AIBU to think if you are sahm and your dc are in school(2 primary and 1 secondary) that your house should be tidy and jobs should be done? I hate comparing and I’m prepared for flack in this too, but my sister is a sahm, her dp works full time(4long days) …I work mon-Fri full time (as does my DP). Our houses are polar opposites, hers is always a mess and so disorganised (and before anyone asks no she has no ADHD etc) she has one more dc that me so we could factor that in. I have offered so often to help her sort things, because she’ll say “oh never mind that pile there I need to sort that” meanwhile I’m thinking “you have been home all day with no dc WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING!?” I’m wondering if she’s depressed? I mean she surface cleans and that’s about it. But there’s stuff everywhere, there’s not one empty surface! I have never once uttered the words “what do you do all day?!” I say nothing. But should I?

You sound horribly judgemental. It's none of your business. Why are you making comparisons? Just live your life how you see fit and leave others to live how they see fit.

There are a lot of SAHMs on this site and they can get very defensive. Good luck with any post that implies it’s easy, or any SAHM might not be rushed off their feet all the time…

Not judging, I just can’t understand…is that the same thing?

Being untidy isn't a moral failing, I couldn't get too wound up about it.

why do you care?
how can you be sure she doesn’t have ADHD? Everyone, including close family members, were very surprised when I got diagnosed. Wanting to tidy, feeling guilty about not doing it but still not being able to do it are typical of ADHD.
Is she prioritizing other important stuff that are not important to you but happen to be importantly to her?

Sorry but yes unless other parent is working or looking after a child...can't understand why not. If looking after a child, parent and working totally yabu. But if not of course unless there's a medical reason...

Well how dirty is it? Does she do other homemaking activities that take a lot of time? Cooking from scratch? Doing fun things for the kids to do? Etc. Not everyone cares about cleaning to the same extent.

I was completely the same. I choose to work so wouldnt be at all jealous of someone who stays home. I tried to be a SAHM and wanted to poke my eyes out with the boredom.

Don't go there then if your judgey pants are strangling you.

Sounds like she lives a lovely life. Good for her.

You are judging;

AIBU to expect a tidy house when the children are at school?
your house should be tidy and jobs should be done
Our houses are polar opposites, hers is always a mess and so disorganised
you have been home all day with no dc WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING!?”

Quotes from your OP. You being judgemental.

God there’s shit everywhere tbh, plates from dinner last night all over the island, pots stacked in the sink. Laundry piled on the floor and on the seats. Bottles left out on top for recycling, just stuff everywhere. No to the activities, no more than i would do and we both cook from scratch tbh.

Some people are just like this. My mum is retired and reads her iPad for hours every day but when we visit there is stuff piled everywhere. She is fit and able, it would take her a few minutes to tidy up but she just doesn't.

It does bother me when I visit and can't put a cup of tea down without clearing a space. It's frustrating to see someone you care about living in mess and clutter.

I worry my house would be the same though if I didn't have a cleaner and a very tidy husband!

Are your children in breakfast clubs and after school clubs if you both work? If so I can see why your house is tidier?

So basically you are questioning what sister is doing during the day. By the way it’s ok but you do sound judgmental rather than curious.
Have you considered that she is busy with something but doesn’t want to tell you? ( which doesn’t surprise me by the way )
Because you are her sister it doesn’t mean that she will share with you everything.
She might be learning a new skill, looking for a new house or job, researching problems with one of her DC ( hopefully not) , setting up a business, etc etc or maybe she is training her DP and kids to clean after themselves and that goes slowly.
just read your update at 20.10 and does sound worrying like something else’s going on. I would ask her directly if everything was ok then rather than offering her to move plates or other stuff.

I hardly work in my business, I have hours free during the day and still sometimes don’t clean and tidy because I don’t want to. It’s not filthy but I’m def disorganised. I don’t put much value on a perfectly tidy house tho, I have better things to do honestly

YANBU

Those SAHM are the ones who complain about being overwhelmed and not having time to do anything while meeting their friends, going to nail appts, and spending hours a day on Tiktok.

It's not hard to have a tidy round when you have 3 kids in school and nothing else to do

But Tiktok tells them it's impossible and they probably have ADHD and that's why they can't get off the app...

And Tiktok and Mumsnet tells them their DH is a controlling, likely emotionally abusive asshole if he doesn't come home from work and do 50/50 or more housework and childcare because SAHM is a full time job!!!

Yes I’d think she was a lazy cow

And this affects you how op?

You said it’s a safety hazard. Has anyone been hurt because of it?

You also say you don’t understand. Why do you need to? I can understand your curiosity, I’m curious why some people live differently to me, but I don’t have to know why. I can just accept they do and carry on doing what I do. You might feel a great sense of relief if you do the same

Yes they are always falling over things! I nearly broke my neck on the stairs one day…can’t sit on the couch because of stuff on them. It’s a bit much tbh.

"I hate comparing"

🤣🤣🤣

You’re right. It should be clean and tidy. No excuse for it not to be.

Ah I know, but you know what I mean, like she’s my sister I love her to bits..but c’mon 😬

But the kids aren’t at school “all day” are they? 9-3 (I’m rounding it up) is 6h. Minus the actual school run that’s 5. 5 is enough to have a bit of a rest, do basic chores and make dinner / do a top up shop. Over the 5 days I suppose she will do a supermarket run, maybe run an errand. I rarely have a day to myself these days but when I do, starting on the ‘worry about that later’ pile is one of those I really need to be in the mood for tasks (granted I work FT with small DCs so those moods never really come)