AIBU to refuse to allow a friend to stay because of her candle obsession?

[LikeACandleInTheBin]

A friend has asked to stay with me as she has done before but she is completely obsessed with candles and I hate having them in the house for anything other than emergencies because of the fire risk and she’s far from careful with them as she’ll go to the shop and leave them on or even go to bed.

She brought them into my home and used them when I told her not to. This was a few years ago but I don’t trust her not to sneak them in again especially as she doesn’t see that leaving them on while she goes out is incredibly foolish.

I’ve recently moved to flats so she’d also be risking my neighbours in addition to my pets.

AIBU to refuse to allow her to stay unless she definitely leaves the candles at home?

How good a friend is she?

If she's saved your life, been there for you through think and thin, gone out of her way when you've needed her, etc. then I'd probably invite her, tell her not to bring candles and go into her room to check that she hadn't while she was here.

If she's not that sort of friend I'd just tell her since she has no respect for my home, I'm happy to meet up of have her round for drinks, I don't trust her to stay over and she'll need to find other accommodation.

I love a scented candle and also don’t think the jar candles are all that dangerous provided you’re not a moron who leaves something loose close by that could catch alight or leave it on all night… Equally wouldn’t even think to take one to someone else’s house with me, that’s just weird!

Me too. Insane 😂 mumsnet is another planet. I’ve never met anyone in real life who’s terrified of candles, goes into respiratory arrest at the faintest whiff of fabric softener, calls 111 if someone knocks unexpectedly on their door in the evening, etc.

Try washing your own tiles and see what black smut comes off them.
You’re only supposed to use candles in well ventilated rooms or you’ll breathe in all sorts of shit.

They are a fire risk, but the reason I hate them is the candle soot they coat ceilings with! It took me a week to sugar soap my bedroom ceiling (then clean that off) before painting three tins of Zinniser 123 on, I then kept my fingers crossed, hoping the soot wouldn’t seep through a few months later. Eight years on it’s not reared its ugly head. No candles ever again! The last thing anyone needs is a black waxy stain on a ceiling. I still remember the crick in my neck, not to mention the uncertainty of whether the fix had worked or not.

YANBU. I have one candle that I light on Christmas Eve, and it's lasted me three years so far. I love how they look, but I am very wary of starting a fire with them.

We had three ambulances and an air ambulance out on Christmas Day, we thought we were going to lose a family member who only went home last week, my children have had counselling for trauma all because someone accidentally brushed a candle, the comments are not OTT.

A compromise? In your own home? 🤦‍♀️

Indeed. I can’t think of a solitary reason why someone you don’t want to stay in your home “must” do so regardless.

My neighbor’s flat burned completely down because his teen daughter and her boyfriend left candles burning. Ruined the upstairs flat and neighbouring house. I love a candle but am extremely careful with them.

She ignored your request about using candles so you should feel free to ignore her request to stay. Just be clear and firm when you say no. Don’t give any reasons or excuses. A simple ‘That won’t work for me’ on repeat.

Dear Mary sorry but I can't ask you to stay. As you know I refuse to have candles in my home and you insist on having them and lighting them - even in my home - so it doesn't work for me. Maybe we can meet for lunch. bye

If she brought and used them last time despite you telling her not to, then she is taking the piss asking to stay again.

I would say "no, sorry, not after you brought candles last time, despite me asking you not to"

Frankly, not often, entirely done in tiles bar the ceiling. I'd need a ladder to reach the top few rows. However, I used to love a candle in the bath, then noticed the ceiling wasn't very white anymore. The soot that came off there and the tiles was insane!

Hahahahaha thank you for posting this you’ve made my day.
no yanbu

Sneaking in candles when you've expressly forbidden it is not on, she's an irresponsible and disrespectful of your home and your one ask.

This is actually quite easy ' Sorry, I can no longer host anyone, try some air b&b's.' You don't owe her an explanation as to why.

Then buy her a diffuser when it's her birthday, maybe she'll get addicted to those instead.

Not OTT.

My friend had a big fire in her dining room.

Friends due for dinner, she lit some candles on the table then went into kitchen to check on dinner. Then the guests knocked the door and she went to let them in, by the time she returned to the dining room the table cloth and curtains were ablaze.

I do use tea lights under wax melts, and the smelly candles in jars, but I don't leave them unattended.

Does the friend imagine herself as some kind of Stevie Nicks-like pagan goddess? When in reality she's a mad old bag who likes starting fires?

Yeah it is insane! It's one reason, probably the main one, I don't burn candles.

i do wash the tiles around the bath & shower, but the ones on the other side of the bathroom not so much 🤣 (also need a ladder!!)

Maybe let her bring an old-style chip pan and a couple of litres of veg oil with her - if she doesn't feel at home without having at least one major potential fire risk going at all times...

No, it doesn’t. Otherwise, you would get building-wide water damage if a single sprinkler was triggered, for any or no reason.

Vapour is dangerous, prob the reason why houses burn down even if no one was there to knock the candle over: www.rbfrs.co.uk/your-safety/safety-at-home/candles/

I agree, I’ve got about four candles alight now!

But you’ve got to respect your hosts rules, if you’re staying in their home.

It just seems such a frivolous, unnecessary thing to doggedly insist on doing, even though you know your host really doesn't want you to do it.

Just here to help. 😂