AIBU to refuse to allow a friend to stay because of her candle obsession?

[LikeACandleInTheBin]

A friend has asked to stay with me as she has done before but she is completely obsessed with candles and I hate having them in the house for anything other than emergencies because of the fire risk and she’s far from careful with them as she’ll go to the shop and leave them on or even go to bed.

She brought them into my home and used them when I told her not to. This was a few years ago but I don’t trust her not to sneak them in again especially as she doesn’t see that leaving them on while she goes out is incredibly foolish.

I’ve recently moved to flats so she’d also be risking my neighbours in addition to my pets.

AIBU to refuse to allow her to stay unless she definitely leaves the candles at home?

Don't you clean your bathroom tiles??

What a weird woman! Who brings candles when visiting someone's home and then insists on lighting them? Have you raised this with her- what's her reason? I would lay the rules very clearly and perhaps find a way to distance myself from her.

I totally agree with you re the use of candles. They are an absolute fire hazard. I wouldn't have one in my house either.

Who uses real candles anymore, though? It's not 1995. 🙈🫢

I don’t need to wash the tiles very often at all now that DH has stopped his candle habit. 😂

I won't have candles in the house either. I've got torches and a storm lantern for power cuts. They are obviously a fire risk and I don't see how anyone could argue with that. Anything with a naked flame can cause a fire. Just ask the bloody fire brigade. When candles were the major source of light they were constantly causing house fires. Anyway, I personally wouldn't invite her. She's already flouted your rules once and quite frankly she sounds unhinged. Who brings candles to someone else's house and, to cap it all, leaves them unattended.

If she does bring candles, confiscate them

I wouldn't have her stay if she was so rude and careless as to bring a candle when I'd asked her not to, and then lit it and buggered off out!

But if you must have her stay with you for some reason, could you suggest an electric wax melt thing or a candle lamp (it uses an old style incandescent bulb that gets hot and melts the candle without it being actually lit) to try and head off any clandestine candle lighting?

I love candles, and LED ones are definitely not the same.

But I wouldn't have the friend to stay either, OP, after her behaviour last time. Going against your host's expressed wishes is definitely not on.

Your friend is a fool. Her past behaviour shows there's little point in you asking her not to bring candles so do not allow her to stay with you. No doubt she'll push back but remember she can't stay if you won't allow it.

I just wouldn’t have her stay. You asked her not to bring candles before and she ignored you…

Yes.
I had a friend who came on a caravan holiday with us and she brought loads of candles with her, and lit them everywhere.
I was furious. Caravans can burn down very quickly if they ignite.

She thought I was being OTT.

Don't let her stay at all. She sounds like a stupid, selfish woman. I wouldn't allow it after she disrespected me the first time and I certainly wouldn't risk it a second time. Direct her to a hotel.

Just be clear with her and say why. Dear x Whilst it would be lovely to see you, I do not feel able to accommodate you in my home as last time I expressly asked you not to bring or use candles and you continued to do so not only disregarding my request, but putting me, my family and home at risk of fire. As I now live in an apartment complex I cannot take this risk again.

I wouldn't have her and I would be telling her that she is not staying because she ignored your house rules last time so she doesn't get a second chance.

We only use them in an emergency so YANBU to remind her that your home is a candle free zone. You might also add that your new residence has a clause in the conditions stating “no naked flames allowed”……it might convince her to be sensible and leave her candles behind.

Tell her you have super-twitchy smoke alarms and even a candle burning will set them off. (This only works if you actually have a smoke alarm tho...)

I wouldn't have her stay. Shes already snuck them in. I wouldn't trust her to not do it again

Not a chance and I'd be telling her why.

It also happens in high rise flats and office buildings and hotels and the like.
Some insurance companies insist upon it.

You don’t need to have to have a reason to decline a visit from someone, @LikeACandleInTheBin— you merely say that you’re unable to accommodate them this time. And then the next time and the time after and the time after that ad nauseam.
Period. End of.
If they don’t take the hint and ask you why, just say, “I don’t like having company any more. Someone ruined it for everybody else.” Be firm.

Why is she so obsessed with candles?

So you have a friend who has a compulsive hobby of starting fires in houses which she is unable to resist doing... and she wants to stay with you in your house?

That's a really difficult dilemma!!!

I know it sounds ridiculous - because it's candles; but she actually sounds like she has an addiction!

Of course YANBU. My SIL and her husband woke up to find one of their curtains on fire because they didn’t blow out a candle properly and a breeze from the open window caused the very thin material to flap into the flame. They were very lucky to catch it before it spread. No candles in the house since.

She’s ignored your wishes before so you’re not at all in the wrong to not want her to stay again.

What a strange obsession she has. So much so that she’ll take candles when she stays at a friend’s house, against her wishes. That’s some weird stuff going on!