Traumatic or I am being dramatic (and should put it back in the box)

[ConfusedSoShutUp]

I have recently had a scary health incident. All well now.

But this has "reactivated" (for want of a better word) some stress/anxiety/trauma? from my childhood. I have been exploring this a bit with a couple of books, and am down for some NHS talking therapy - probably CBT in a few weeks. And I keep having doubts and telling myself just to put it back in the box now I am better, ignore it, get on with life and shut up.

So I would like other's views please? Validation maybe that it was pretty awful? Or maybe reassurance that it was normal and I could safely put it away again. Are the books just confirming a bias of mine? That I have just "hooked onto" a word (fawning from trauma response) and made it bigger than it was - I just need to get a grip.

Short story of my life age c10 - 16 yo...in the early 1980s. My mum used to yell horribly at my older sister - and it would descend to violence. Clouts around the head, back of the legs, elsewhere. I remember her once breaking my sister's spectacles in a particularly violent rage. The violence was rarely directed at me...I was the golden child (my sister hated me for this). But most of what I can remember was hyper vigilance - to make sure mum/sister were not pushing buttons. I would do the little jobs (taking washing upstairs) to prevent mum getting cross. I would watch mum's expressions and moods, and I could tease her, joke her or do the jobs to get her out of her mood. It felt like it was down to me to "fawn" mum - to keep everyone happy at home. And yes, I was scared with each of these rages. In case I got hit. In case it was really violent (deadly) this time. Would we get split it. It made my hearth pound and I felt shaky and nauseous until I had calmed it down. I was such a suck up.

It is obviously longer/more complex than this (emotionally distant father, 100% continuation on the fawning into the remainder of my life, both at home and work, family relations etc, periods of "mild" disassociation, occasional panic emotions it stuff not done,). But above was the bare bones.

So (sorry so long):
YABU- I should just put it back in it's very small box? I was not the victim of child abuse. It was a fairly normal '80s upbringing. Logically I know I am safe.
YANBU - it was a bit shit, and probably worth talking to someone.

Which is exactly what trauma-focused therapy helps deal with.

You'll know from experience that trauma memories feel different to an ordinary bad memory. They're often felt viscerally, strong physical reaction, they can be out of context etc. It's all to do with how our brains process highly threatening or traumatic events and how those memories are subsequently stored.

Trying to be really brief as I could go on for hours, but that's essentially what things are covered in TFCBT: identifying triggers, discriminating from then vs now, grounding, reducing the threat response (the hypervigilance) and helping to process those memories in a way that is safe and means they're not intrusive, overly distressing, uncontextualised etc.

You'll find people saying the usual "just forget it, just push it down". Avoidance is a symptom cluster in PTSD and helps maintain symptoms, the metaphor that is often used is the "linen cupboard", im sure there will be some really helpful videos on YouTube by various NHS services which can help explain these concepts whilst you wait for therapy and have a think of what is the best thing for you.

Hope that is helpful!

CBT therapist here -
and I can confirm that CBT is not the therapy of choice for childhood adverse experiences, u less there are specific trauma memories that require re-processing with a PTSD CBT protocol or EMDR -
look at the formulation and Evidence base -
I would advise looking at a counselling / person centred approach—
it’s really important for people including psychologists to not diagnose PTSD / CPTSD without a thorough assessment and formulation !

Just popping back to say I have been referred for Step 3 Intense CBT for PTSD on the NHS. I have a 10-15 week wait, but have been given some webinars/resources to work with in the interim...which will be useful to help me not wander into internet rabbit holes which could be unhelpful.

Maybe have a chat with your GP. You may benefit from counselling /therapy.

Edit: way ahead of me I see 😂

I think many kids grow up like this and as a result you develop a personality to cope with it - not letting real feelings show or feeling guilty when it's not your " turn". This can continue with you being a people pleaser. I did a few sessions and talking it through was helpful but as she said " the answers are inside you" . Sometimes you just need someone else to hear it and allow it to surface. You know why she was like this. You know what it made you do. You just need to recognise it and say fuck it. Mindfulness also helped.