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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to find it hypocritical when people discourage me from dating?

87 replies

GoldDownload · 03/04/2026 23:39

Don’t know if this will make any sense but I’m in my 30s and have been single and celibate for 10 years, that’s no dates at all, no kissing, nothing. Whenever I mention dating again I get women telling me not to and to stay on my own, all men are trash etc (their words) whilst I’m guessing they mean well AIBU to find them hypocrites? I think it’s pretty unusual for a woman in their 30s to be celibate for 10 years (gonna have loads of people now telling me they are 30s and have been 😂), I don’t believe they are and for most people that would be quite hard, but they expect me to stay on my own? Or am I unreasonable and there’s all these women in their 30s that have been celibate for a decade? Just feels like they expect me to stay on my own but don’t apply that to themselves.. lots of reasons for this not mainly choice but just the way life turned out

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 03/04/2026 23:41

Dont talk to those people about dating.
You do you.
Dont tell those people about dating.
Just go out and date.

Tink3rbell30 · 03/04/2026 23:42

Nope they are telling the truth. I'm one of them and would also discourage dating, it's rough out there. I'm perfectly happy in my own space without someone's useless son in my way or in my bed.

Hokipoki · 03/04/2026 23:47

Anecdotally I’d say there are a growing number of women remaining celibate long term in their 30s and beyond - but that’s neither here nor there.

If YOU want to find a man why are friends - especially friends who aren’t single themselves - trying to discourage you?

I’d ask them if all men are trash and a waste of time - why don’t they leave their partners and join the single crew?

If their answer to that is their man is special, just say you’re looking for a special man too and you expect them as friends to hope you find someone special too! Make it clear you’d rather they be positive and supportive about this or say nothing at all.

If they can’t be happy for you I’d stop discussing it with them and maybe also reassess the friendship.

I’d say the same to someone who wants to be or stay single and has friends who are constantly trying to discourage her from this path.

Original poster
GoldDownload · 03/04/2026 23:51

Tink3rbell30 · 03/04/2026 23:42

Nope they are telling the truth. I'm one of them and would also discourage dating, it's rough out there. I'm perfectly happy in my own space without someone's useless son in my way or in my bed.

And how long have you been single and celibate and how old are you? Even if you are I’d say it’s still extremely uncommon.

OP posts:
Fafner · 03/04/2026 23:52

I think you must have quite weird friends. Personally, I wouldn’t dream of offering advice either way. You do what you want, as most people do most of the time.

TooPoor4PandaPooTea · 03/04/2026 23:53

Date @GoldDownload , date like the wind!

You may meet some crappy men but I am sure you have your wits about you and will quickly throw them back. There are plenty of good guys in their 30s who are also single as a result of life going in that direction.

FWIW if he is posting mirror selfies in the gym, maybe just swipe left.

Tink3rbell30 · 04/04/2026 00:02

GoldDownload · 03/04/2026 23:51

And how long have you been single and celibate and how old are you? Even if you are I’d say it’s still extremely uncommon.

Show quote history

37 and 7 years. It depends who you know I suppose, I don't think it's uncommon. Lots of women don't want a man in their space or for any sort of company especially with the very slim pickings that's out there. But if you want to dive in and give it a go then it shouldn't matter what other women think.

Shitmonger · 04/04/2026 00:33

GoldDownload · 03/04/2026 23:51

And how long have you been single and celibate and how old are you? Even if you are I’d say it’s still extremely uncommon.

Show quote history

Why are you so fixated on celibacy? If you want to have sex, have sex. If you want to date, date. You don’t need permission from your friends to do so. If you think they’re less than supportive then just jump back into dating and only tell them when you want to.

But yes, if research and articles are to be believed then there are a number of women that are simply opting out of relationships and sex these days. I just saw another article about it last week or so, talking about how there is now such an education and employment gap between men and women that women can’t find suitable partners.

PollyBell · 04/04/2026 01:50

I would tell anyone desperate to date not too and nothing to do with the cliched mn all men are the enemy, more to do with expectations and not opening their eyes to what works or doesn't

And i would say the same to men or women

ChocolateAddictAlways · 04/04/2026 01:57

I think if you've had enough of being single then you should date.

I also think a lot of women have put up with unhealthy relationships and tolerated useless partners which is why so many of these women advise caution to their single friends.

But you have to live your life on your terms.

Original poster
GoldDownload · 04/04/2026 02:01

I’ve been cautious, I’ve not even kissed a man or chatted to a man (other than in passing) in 10 years, if that isn’t being cautious I don’t know what is?? Just find it hypocritical when they don’t apply it to themselves. Not like I’m someone rushing from relationship to relationship that needs to be more cautious?

OP posts:
DarkForces · 04/04/2026 02:20

I think 2 things can be true at the same time: 1. Dating horrible men is miserable and 2. People still seek connection and relationships as when they work they're great. If you want to date then go for it and do it as safely as you can. There are good men out there but you won't find them if you're not talking to them.

TheSlantedOwl · 04/04/2026 02:25

Maybe the people saying that to you don’t care if you date or not really, they just want an opportunity to talk about how disappointed they are with their own relationships.

You crack on!

DrunkOnYourVine · 04/04/2026 02:59

Who are these women that ‘expect’ you to stay single? Sounds very weird for anyone to be so invested in your dating life.

mathanxiety · 04/04/2026 03:51

GoldDownload · 04/04/2026 02:01

I’ve been cautious, I’ve not even kissed a man or chatted to a man (other than in passing) in 10 years, if that isn’t being cautious I don’t know what is?? Just find it hypocritical when they don’t apply it to themselves. Not like I’m someone rushing from relationship to relationship that needs to be more cautious?

These women are dipping their toes in the dating pool and not liking what they find. That's brutal honesty, not hypocrisy.

You don't need their permission to date if you feel like it. Get on some dating sites and see for yourself what your friends or colleagues are talking about.

What made you decide to spend ten years of having nothing to do with men, and have those years been happy or miserable? If miserable, why didn't you do something about that?

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 04/04/2026 03:56

I agree they likely are being hypocritical. If you want to be in a relationship/date then start the process of looking for someone/ going on dates. If your don’t then don’t.

I find it very odd that you haven’t spoken to a man in 10 years at all. Don’t you speak to people at work etc or boyfriends/husbands of friends.

Katflapkit · 04/04/2026 04:28

I voted you are being unreasonable. The reason you have been single, celibate and not been kissed for 10 years is down to you and not what other women tell you. I do not for one for second any of these women expect you to remain single whilst they wallow in relationships.

You seem to have a very black and white view is what they could be saying. Maybe you should be careful, modern dating can be a minefield. They know you better than we do, perhaps they think you have an overly romanticised view of relationships.

Take control of your own life, you are in your 30s, date if you want to, don't date if you don't want to.

OCDmama · 04/04/2026 04:36

Are you always this weak minded? Why are you doing what other people tell you to do? You're an adult FFS, do what you want.

Middlechild3 · 04/04/2026 04:45

About 99% of any advice, about anything, is what the advice giver would do if THEY were in your situation, the advice is about them. Its not an objective view of what they think YOU should do given YOUR circumstances. Go and date, date lightly, date many, have fun.

PollyBell · 04/04/2026 04:48

OCDmama · 04/04/2026 04:36

Are you always this weak minded? Why are you doing what other people tell you to do? You're an adult FFS, do what you want.

Yes this, but even if it is hypocritical then what?

UraniumFlowerpot · 04/04/2026 05:23

Trying to understand the tone of these comments or maybe there’s more context? Were you badly hurt previously or you’re very insecure and they’re trying to protect you? Have you previously expressed you want to start away from men and they’re trying to tell you you don’t have to date? If there’s nothing like that then it almost sounds like they used to having you as the single friend and don’t want the dynamic to change. What’s your take on the reason they’re saying this. And does it really make you feel like you’re expected to stay single or is it more just annoying?

OtterlyAstounding · 04/04/2026 05:33

They're not being hypocritical exactly, just sharing their valid personal feelings about the dating scene from their own experiences - but that doesn't mean you have to listen.

If you want to date, then date. If you don't, then don't.

This is a non-issue.

Stnam · 04/04/2026 06:14

I think you might be taking them a bit too literally. Everyone moans about the pitfalls of dating. Or they might perceive you as being vulnerable for some reason and are trying to be protective.

LilacOpal · 04/04/2026 06:19

Are they perhaps trying to make you feel better about being celibate for so long, trying to reassure you that you haven't missed out anything?

CandyEnclosingInvisible · 04/04/2026 06:36

Life is a journey not a destination. A lot of women get through the toughest years of family life and emerge totally disillusioned with the myth of living happily ever after and many feel they are totally done with men and would prefer to focus on spending time with friends, pets, and good books. This can then be a positive embracing of the idea of living a whole and fulfilled life that isn't based around the key narrative of ones life being the story of finding and keeping a man. They may feel they are saving you the bother of a wasted journey by letting you know that your apparent destination isn't all it's cracked up.to be. However the realisation they have reached may not be something that can be learned second-hand. You go ahead with living your life for you. Friends who love you sometimes give advice that doesn't fit with exactly what you want and in a healthy friendship that doesn't matter because they take no offence if you choose your own path without following their advice. If they start making trouble when you decline to follow their advice, that's showing that they aren't good friends.