AIBU to find it hypocritical when people discourage me from dating?

[GoldDownload]

Don’t know if this will make any sense but I’m in my 30s and have been single and celibate for 10 years, that’s no dates at all, no kissing, nothing. Whenever I mention dating again I get women telling me not to and to stay on my own, all men are trash etc (their words) whilst I’m guessing they mean well AIBU to find them hypocrites? I think it’s pretty unusual for a woman in their 30s to be celibate for 10 years (gonna have loads of people now telling me they are 30s and have been 😂), I don’t believe they are and for most people that would be quite hard, but they expect me to stay on my own? Or am I unreasonable and there’s all these women in their 30s that have been celibate for a decade? Just feels like they expect me to stay on my own but don’t apply that to themselves.. lots of reasons for this not mainly choice but just the way life turned out

Honestly, if you can't deal with a few random comments from friends you are never going to make it through the dating scene. Know yourself, stick to your values and do what you want with your life. Stop looking to criticise others all the time.

Maybe they’re just trying to make you feel better about being single for so long? A lot of people don’t tell friends what they really think of their situation

I don’t think it’s that uncommon
Lots of women have realised that the pool of decent men are most taken and what’s left is mostly trash and are independently doing their own thing
59 , entirely single for 24 years
Happy .

Totally get you, OP. I’m recently single again and I’m sick of friends telling me to embrace being on my own and how they wouldn’t mind being single. All while they’re cozily coupled up!

Who are all these women who are telling you to stay single? Why are you listening to them? There are plenty of men who are up for some no strings sex if you want it. Get out and find them!!.

Who are these weird people who are discouraging you and why are you listening to them? Yes, dating is a minefield and can be difficult but you have to give it a go. Even if you do so for fun and having a good time. You seem angry that your friends are not giving you their blessings to date but you can do what you want. So again, why aren't you?

OP, do you actually want to date, have a boyfriend, have sex and settle down? You’re not making it clear what you want, but it’s certainly nothing to do with anyone else.

Easy. I simply don't discuss dating with friends. It's easy because I don't often date

The times I have dipped my toe into the apps it has never been a discussion subject because I don't bring it up. If asked, I brush it off and change the subject. It's private.

38 years old
single (and celibate) for 20 years

I know both men and women who have been hurt by the opposite sex and seem to really not like them, in that case I wouldn’t date. Their experiences do not matter to you op if you want to meet someone you need to try. I wouldn’t listen to others. Some people are judgemental about meeting online, dating colleagues etc but each to your own. Go in to dating as a fun experience if you meet friends or more then it’s a bonus, yes there will be odd people the same as in everyday life.

Hmm it's a bit odd to take their advice so literally, maybe a few jokes to say how crazy online dating can be etc but I certainly wouldn't be listening to someone telling you to avoid relationships for the rest of your life.

Just because they might have dated idiots doesn't mean you will. There are plenty of people who have amazing relationships and someone to share their life with

Just date in private and dont put pressure on yourself to find "the perfect person" just putting yourself out there and enjoying meeting people is a great start

I don’t think it’s dating as much as dating with children some people are (rightly imo) cautious about.

My personal and possibly unpopular opinion is that a loving relationship between their two parents is optimum for children, but if that can’t happen then stability from at least one parent is vital and that is hard to achieve with a lot of dating.

i think there is a sort of weird assumption that the prioritising of one's romantic self is the only way to be authentically one's real self. I don't think this is necessarily true. do find this weird assumption childish, to be honest. Perhaps because I was younger I was obsessed with having a boyfriend and now I am older I am more interested in my children, my security for myself and for them, being fulfilled at work, and various other things.

That being said I can see that asking someone to be celibate for the duration of their children’s childhood (assuming you split when they are young) is a big ask so I don’t know. Maybe it should be more something that happens organically and naturally than putting yourself out there to date and finding someone to partner up with.

I agree about the dating with children, I can understand someone being very cautious about who they bring into their child life and waiting until they are much older

I would assume that it’s this. I think it’s likely that they think you feel badly about the situation ans are trying to reassure you that it’s not all
its cracked up to be. That's supportive. Have you told them that they you would like to start dating and are fending excited? Hopefully they would supportive there as well. I think it’s unlikely that they genuinely think ther you shouldn’t date because all members are crap if they’re in a relationship. The only reasoning I could thing then is that they like you being single but that’s unlikely is they’re in a relationship as people then generally prefer to go out as couples.

So if you asked me personally… I would say dating is shit right now and I’m happier on my own. I called myself celibate and got laughed at as my version wasn’t the same as yours - I just hadn’t done the deed in a while.

I wouldn’t use apps, I just really wouldn’t. I would go out more, ask friends to introduce you. I don’t think you should be celibate but you also don’t need to be looking for a husband to not be celibate 🤷‍♀️

idk if you date to meet people and you can do it without it effecting your self esteem too much then great but not many people can. And I definitely think you need to have very high standards to avoid the pointless situationships that put people off dating and relationships

People often say this sort of thing for something to say.
Pay no heed. Obviously.

They're trying to make you and themselves feel better. I don't think any of them genuinely mean it so, no, I don't think they're being hypocritical. If it bothers you, stop telling people you're celibate or specifically say you want to talk about it (so they are more likely to give you space to say how you feel, rather than jump in with 'advice').

Why haven’t you chatted to a man in 10 years? That is unusual, do you not have colleagues you talk to? Do you have literally no male friends?

Which leads me to think there is a massive backstory, which might put your friends comments into context.

Your friends are weird. My friends kept encouraging me to date in my celibate decade.

I’m in my 50’s and definitely dating. I recommend it, but I have my own money and life and don’t need a man.
The minimum is that he must enhance my life. If he doesn’t then I choose not to spend time with him.

You don’t need other people’s permission to date. Just go do it.

What do you mean by hypocrites? Do you mean they tell you what you sais in yoir op, aboit being trash, BUT have boyfriends/husbands? Telling you to be single/alone when they aren’t doing the hard work themselves? Then absolutely yes.

It pisses me of tbh, I do try to date, but never really had luck, so I’m single not by choice and lord I’ve had my share of non-sense comments from people who have no idea what it’s actually like to be actually single in this world. It’s crazy!

43, celibate 7 years. Absolutley no interest in changing that.

When I left an abusive marriage I actually felt the opposite- that there was huge pressure to move on. I briefly dabbled with dating apps after a year single but wasnt interested. I've had counselling and am in a great place personally but just don't feel I need or want a relationship.

Every now and then friends try to persuade me to date. Which I find quite funny as they will go from chatting about how awful and unbalanced their relationships are to trying to persuade me to date. Biased by mainly knowing people in their 40s but nearly all are either in marriage counselling or talking about or actively getting divorced.

I have plenty of men I enjoy chatting too at work, although male friends that are husbands/partners of my female friends have sadly got more distant since I've been single.

Is there a specific reason you've been single since your 20s? What sort of relationship experiences did you have before that? If your currebt life doesn't meet what you want counselling could be a good option.

I think when you’re in a steady relationship, the thought of having to go through the whole experience of meeting and dating potential new partners does sound hideous. It’s worse than when you are single because there is no perceived benefit. So it’s not necessarily that the people you talk to are being hypocritical, just that they are extremely relieved that they don’t need to start looking for romance.

But - people in relationships have affairs, and are on dating sites so obviously not everyone feels the same.

I think the key takeaway is you do you. If you want a romantic partner, it’s ok to look for one. And I hope you find someone kind who is right for you.

just as I’ve decided to stay single I’ve met a man in real life I really like.. I’m definitely not looking to date but we get on so well so have had an honest discussion about just meeting up as friends and taking it very slowly and just see what happens old school style! It’s actually lovely to not have the pressure and just get to know each other! I was terrible for jumping in too fast in the past but I’m more cynical now and did not expect to meet someone at a job fair! I’m in the middle of a move an hour away which he knows about so nothing might even happen but I’m just enjoying it for what it is tbh! Not even kissed yet but he’s such a nice man (and I did a Claire’s and Sarah’s law on him
due to past experiences) as im so wary! I do think its right that you meet people when the time is right be that in real life or online dating or a blind date!

I had a 10 year gap 22-32 (although I did go on 5 dates with someone at the 7.5 year mark). Then I got married.

Some people date a lot; some have big gaps where there is no-one. It isn't evenly spread and - judging from friends - i think a lot of people find those early stages testing out new relationships to be a series of disappointments.