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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to find it hypocritical when people discourage me from dating?

87 replies

GoldDownload · 03/04/2026 23:39

Don’t know if this will make any sense but I’m in my 30s and have been single and celibate for 10 years, that’s no dates at all, no kissing, nothing. Whenever I mention dating again I get women telling me not to and to stay on my own, all men are trash etc (their words) whilst I’m guessing they mean well AIBU to find them hypocrites? I think it’s pretty unusual for a woman in their 30s to be celibate for 10 years (gonna have loads of people now telling me they are 30s and have been 😂), I don’t believe they are and for most people that would be quite hard, but they expect me to stay on my own? Or am I unreasonable and there’s all these women in their 30s that have been celibate for a decade? Just feels like they expect me to stay on my own but don’t apply that to themselves.. lots of reasons for this not mainly choice but just the way life turned out

OP posts:
Original poster
GoldDownload · 04/04/2026 12:56

Macaroni46 · 04/04/2026 07:13

Totally get you, OP. I’m recently single again and I’m sick of friends telling me to embrace being on my own and how they wouldn’t mind being single. All while they’re cozily coupled up!

Thank you, at least someone understands! All whilst not doing it themselves.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoldDownload · 04/04/2026 12:57

I’m not vulnerable in anyway for those that asked. And when I say haven’t even spoken to a man I meant romantically like I haven’t been hit on/ got someone’s number and chatted to them. I’ve spoken to men in passing but nothing beyond that, I just wanted to be clear I haven’t even been on a date. So absolutely nothing at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoldDownload · 04/04/2026 13:01

Kepler22B · 04/04/2026 08:48

Why haven’t you chatted to a man in 10 years? That is unusual, do you not have colleagues you talk to? Do you have literally no male friends?

Which leads me to think there is a massive backstory, which might put your friends comments into context.

I meant romantically sorry if that wasn’t clear. I did say other than in passing like etc

OP posts:
DallazMajor · 04/04/2026 13:01

It’s because online dating is a cesspit these days.

meganorks · 04/04/2026 13:02

I think you are taking them way to literally. I think they just mean that online dating is a shit show and they've had enough awful experiences that they are saying 'don't bother'. You can do whatever you want. No one would care. They are just making throw away comments, not trying to dictate your life.

Original poster
GoldDownload · 04/04/2026 13:05

And btw they weren’t trying to make me feel better. I asked for some advice on what apps they used to meet their partners and what the best apps were as I haven’t used apps before and it was like “ohh no don’t date stay on your own” even got “all men are pieces of shit” especially since none of them have ever been single longer than a year.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 04/04/2026 13:07

They can say what they like. You can do what you like. They’re not telling you that you have to do anything. They’re expressing a view but probably don’t care either way as they’re living their own lives. It’s not hypocrisy to have a bad time dating and warn others of how bad it is. I’m sure they don’t expect you to take it as gospel and live your life by it especially when you can see that they don’t. If you want to date, get out there. Don’t sit out your 30s on some imagined rule.

JumpingPumpkin · 04/04/2026 13:12

They may just be trying to let you know it's fine to be single. Just do what you want, it's no-one else's business.

Original poster
GoldDownload · 04/04/2026 13:13

JumpingPumpkin · 04/04/2026 13:12

They may just be trying to let you know it's fine to be single. Just do what you want, it's no-one else's business.

Someone that’s been single for 10 years knows it’s fine to be single that’s the point! Say it to someone else otherwise it comes across as condescending.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 04/04/2026 13:45

So if you find them hypocritical and condescending, don't ask their advice any more and find friends you like (as well as dating if you wish). Get advice on dating apps on the relationships board if you want it. You'll find people who've met their partners that way as well as the cesspit angle and everything between. You can also respond to their advice by saying sure, but you still keep dating, so which apps do you prefer? It sounds like you're giving their words too much weight and imagining that they're thinking deeply about you when they're not.

DarkForces · 04/04/2026 14:43

GoldDownload · 04/04/2026 12:57

I’m not vulnerable in anyway for those that asked. And when I say haven’t even spoken to a man I meant romantically like I haven’t been hit on/ got someone’s number and chatted to them. I’ve spoken to men in passing but nothing beyond that, I just wanted to be clear I haven’t even been on a date. So absolutely nothing at all.

So what would you like them to say? I'm a bit confused what you're after. I suspect they're just trying to show a bit of solidarity.

Weemumofone · 04/04/2026 14:44

If it’s what you want then go for it. Just be patient and develop a thick skin! I’ve met some nice guys who aren’t for me. I’ve met some nice guys and I’m not for them. I’ve had “advice” from friends similar to you and I’ve had advice from others that had been downright hurtful. But… I still think there’s someone out there for me.
Good luck!

Pherian · 04/04/2026 14:44

GoldDownload · 03/04/2026 23:39

Don’t know if this will make any sense but I’m in my 30s and have been single and celibate for 10 years, that’s no dates at all, no kissing, nothing. Whenever I mention dating again I get women telling me not to and to stay on my own, all men are trash etc (their words) whilst I’m guessing they mean well AIBU to find them hypocrites? I think it’s pretty unusual for a woman in their 30s to be celibate for 10 years (gonna have loads of people now telling me they are 30s and have been 😂), I don’t believe they are and for most people that would be quite hard, but they expect me to stay on my own? Or am I unreasonable and there’s all these women in their 30s that have been celibate for a decade? Just feels like they expect me to stay on my own but don’t apply that to themselves.. lots of reasons for this not mainly choice but just the way life turned out

I would say approach modern dating by being ruthless. There are a lot of time wasters. I met my now husband on Bumble. I went on several dates through the site before I met him and most of them were just trying to get laid and string you along. If you’re into one night stands modern dating is very good for that. I’m not and if I was single again in my life I wouldn’t bother having another relationship. I’m in my mid 40s though.

BlackCat111 · 04/04/2026 14:54

Most single men out there are trash but if you want to date then do it, it’s your choice. Just keep your expectations low and your feelings in check because it truly is awful out there! From someone who’s been single and 95% celibate for 12 years.

TB23 · 04/04/2026 14:57

Oh dear. So first of all, are these women telling you this all single? If they are, then fine, but I would never give other people advice about finding a partner or not. That's an individual decision. Do they mean dating lots of men indiscriminately, as was all the rage with internet dating? Well, I wouldn't say that's a great idea, but remain open to meeting someone organically through hobbies, interests, friends etc. I found myself divorced and single again after 15 years with two kids at the age of 39. Didn't actively date, but after 2 years met a lovely divorced man with also two kids at a party at a friend's house. We have been together for 11 years. Just stay open to the possibility.

TB23 · 04/04/2026 15:13

I agree about dating indiscriminately when having young children. That's not helpful. Ideally you meet someone again organically, through friends, hobbies, interests etc. Remaining open to the possibility. I got divorced at 39, two young kids, didn't do any dating for almost two years. Then met the loveliest also divorced man (also two kids) at a friend's party. Together for 11 years, three kids now adults, all getting on really well. Not moving on at all ever is not helpful for kids either, eventually they have their own lives and it's easier for them if a parent has their own life too. But it has be the right person, not just someone to not feel lonely.

Sensiblesal · 04/04/2026 17:38

GoldDownload · 04/04/2026 02:01

I’ve been cautious, I’ve not even kissed a man or chatted to a man (other than in passing) in 10 years, if that isn’t being cautious I don’t know what is?? Just find it hypocritical when they don’t apply it to themselves. Not like I’m someone rushing from relationship to relationship that needs to be more cautious?

Stay away from the apps unless you triple thick skin, they are full of men that just see you as free sex.

the not even talking to men is curious, how did you end up in this situation? Could that be why friends are saying not to?

I think you need to put yourself out there & have some fun.

as someone else said, its rough out there

Sparkles1212 · 04/04/2026 17:41

GoldDownload · 04/04/2026 13:05

And btw they weren’t trying to make me feel better. I asked for some advice on what apps they used to meet their partners and what the best apps were as I haven’t used apps before and it was like “ohh no don’t date stay on your own” even got “all men are pieces of shit” especially since none of them have ever been single longer than a year.

Why listen to them? Get out there and date. Hinge, Tinder, POF, dinner dating, speed dating

Don't listen to people in whom you have no trust or belief

Why would you listen to them? 🙄😳😵‍💫

Original poster
GoldDownload · 04/04/2026 19:45

I will be using the apps as I don’t go out much socially friends are all coupled up and I don’t meet men irl

OP posts:
Tonissister · 04/04/2026 19:49

GoldDownload · 04/04/2026 02:01

I’ve been cautious, I’ve not even kissed a man or chatted to a man (other than in passing) in 10 years, if that isn’t being cautious I don’t know what is?? Just find it hypocritical when they don’t apply it to themselves. Not like I’m someone rushing from relationship to relationship that needs to be more cautious?

I think you are taking them too seriously, as if they are instructing you rather than sharing their personal opinions with you.
It's not hypocritical, it's just opinion. You don't have to rely on it in any way. You have your own opinion, which is that you want to try dating, so do. Not just OLD but meeting people IRL.

And it's utter rubbish that all men are awful. of course they are not. Many men are kind, loyal, hardworking, loving, romantic, funny, clever, dependable and looking for love not sex. Stay choosy until you meet one of them, then give them a chance.

Tonissister · 04/04/2026 19:52

GoldDownload · 04/04/2026 19:45

I will be using the apps as I don’t go out much socially friends are all coupled up and I don’t meet men irl

Try changing that so that you do meet men irl. Find some hobbies where men and women mix - a choir, am dram, running or swimming clubs, hiking, gardening, art class, cards or board games, learning languages etc - There are loads of options where you might meet men with similar interests to your own.

SpringAndSunshineIsHere · 04/04/2026 19:52

GoldDownload · 04/04/2026 19:45

I will be using the apps as I don’t go out much socially friends are all coupled up and I don’t meet men irl

Can you go travelling or join some clubs op so you have a chance of meeting someone in an organic situation?

YourAmberFish · 04/04/2026 19:56

I've been single and celibate for years.A bit older than you though, 40s.

Have zero interest in a relationship or sex to be honest.

All my friends who are in couples say they wouldn't be inclined to seek out another relationship if their DH/DP died or they split up.

Not because they're in terrible relationships but because there are numerous compromises and adjustments that have to be made in relationships that in middle age or later, they wouldn't necessarily choose to engage with

It doesn't mean they're hypocrites, just that it's far more acceptable for women to be single now and it's okay to admit that being in a relationship really isn't the pinnacle of happiness

Original poster
GoldDownload · 04/04/2026 20:02

Im happy to use the apps.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoldDownload · 04/04/2026 20:03

YourAmberFish · 04/04/2026 19:56

I've been single and celibate for years.A bit older than you though, 40s.

Have zero interest in a relationship or sex to be honest.

All my friends who are in couples say they wouldn't be inclined to seek out another relationship if their DH/DP died or they split up.

Not because they're in terrible relationships but because there are numerous compromises and adjustments that have to be made in relationships that in middle age or later, they wouldn't necessarily choose to engage with

It doesn't mean they're hypocrites, just that it's far more acceptable for women to be single now and it's okay to admit that being in a relationship really isn't the pinnacle of happiness

That’s understandable but I have been celibate since 27 so I do think that’s quite different than 40s

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