I don’t understand why he is doing this? AIBU to think this is crazy

[Reeadi]

Ex doesn’t seem to remember anything accurately. He’s v well educated and in a great job, so I have no doubt as to his cognitive abilities.

In essence, we tried to make our relationship work but he quite literally wouldn’t commit. He took a job several hundred miles away when dc was 2, came back at weekends. It was supposed to be temporary and became permanent. I said either we move in again properly where his job was (I work remotely) or we have to break up as this is not what a committed relationship looks like for me.

A year later, he still hadn’t ‘got round’ to organising anything to sort a place for us where his job was based. This is despite me doing all I could from afar to organise it, while also working and looking after dd 24/7 on my own all week. A year later I drew a line and said I wasn’t putting my life on hold anymore and ended it. He then told me I was abusive for giving him an ultimatum and that’s not how you have a relationship.

For obvious reasons I felt that was an unfair accusation but since it’s been over he’s been even worse. There’s lots of things but by way of example, about two years before Dd was born, ex became extremely cold with me for a couple of weeks and I patiently and kindly tried to chat with him, tried to give him space etc tried to work out why he was barely speaking to me. It was horrible. I eventually asked if he wasn’t happy in the relationship and whether he actually wanted to end it as his treatment towards me was so cold, he then admitted that he didn’t want to continue the relationship. I left. He recently said to me that I was never into him properly as I broke up with him a couple of years before Dd was born?!? I said to him that was not the case and I was very sad when he ended it. He said I made him end it as I asked him if he wanted to end it, which made him think I was telling him it was over. That is absolute bollocks and I said to him that’s not true and all the WhatsApp messages from
around that time will show that where I had said I was so upset and asked him if we could try again etc but he didn’t want to …. He then said I had purposely sent messages at that time to ‘present it’ that he had broken up with me?!?!

I said to him what he was saying was utterly bizarre and extreme and I couldn’t cope with these constant re framings of the past.

I can’t understand it. These are just a couple of examples. Everything is twisted. I don’t get it. I could never do right in his eyes and i‘m glad im out of it but why on earth would someone want to do this? Feel like I’m going mad.

He has wasted years of your life- stop trying to work out what he’s thinking. All you’re doing is allowing him to waste even more of your time and energy.

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I think he is just trying to 'live' the victim. This way when he meets some new and has to explain why he lives so far from his child he can come out with his story.

Honestly, the best thing you can do is not engage. Don't respond to anything he says other than about your child.

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas yes that’s exactly how it feels, the ground is always shifting and I never ever felt sure or calm in the relationship. It was awful.

@Elsvieta yes I think it does come down to that. I guess given he strung it along so much and for so long, that’s why he now finds it impossible to just own his decision because it’s extremely shitty to do that to someone instead of walking away when you’re not into them.

The warped and made up narratives I find so hard to cope with as it’s almost like the icing on the cake… no only did he mess me around for several years but is now seemingly trying to adopt a narrative that I caused that.

You could be describing my ex!

habe been separated for 6 years and he still insists on twisting the narrative from past events as well as conversations surrounding him spending time with DD. We also share a DS who is a lot older and I’ve had to keep screenshots of messages etc, as his warped view of things has had a real negative impact on mine and DS relationship in the past.

Keep screenshots and try to communicate via text or email and just have them saved. I’ve had to show DS some as proof so that he doesn’t believe the fairy tales his Dad tells him (I’m always the villain 😜)

Why are you discussing the past with him? He’s clearly unreasonable, leave him to his victim hood. Use a parenting app and refuse any other engagement with him. Then he can’t exert his control over you.

Classic manipulation technique.

Not like there were no signs he was a complete tosser BEFORE you saddled yourself with him forever by having a kid with him. Why would you inflict this twat of a dad on a child?

why would you expect him to ever step up? He never has.

sorry love, but you absolutely could tell he was going to be a prick and still went ahead with the relationship and child. This mistake is on you.

Stop expecting a slug to be anything other than a slug. Drop all your expectations of him, that way you’ll not be disappointed

Check out Dr. Ramani on YouTube. I think you’re dealing with a Narcissist.

Educate yourself on folks like that - because no matter what you do . It will be your fault.

To be honest with a gaslighter like this, you will never get the answer you want. He will twist things to sit well in his own mind. He will make up things to position you as the bad guy. Believe me I've experienced this. The best thing to do is get on with your life and put him behind you. A good thing counsellor told me is to write everything down in a letter, read it aloud and then destroy it. It's very satisfying

Pride. Ego. Face.

Very normal behaviour for a certain type of man.

Do not engage. Do not attempt to persuade. Do not consider for one moment basing your self-esteem in his opinion.

Gaslighting is a way of protecting his ego. He cannot accept responsibility for anything, it’s always someone else’s fault.

My narcissistic ex did exactly this He even admitted that when he was away from me he convinced himself (and his friends and family) that I was a terrible person and it had all been my fault but when we met up (to empty the house etc) it dawned on him that that wasn’t the case at all.
As others have said, he was just reframing it all to make himself feel better and take away the guilt from the reality of what a prick he’d been. He had regrets about ending the relationship and wanted to make it my fault.
His ultimate act of being in control and ending things came with the relisation that that meant he now didn’t have any control over me at all. After lots of this plus attempts to still control and manipulate me (entering the house when I was out to go through my things to check I wasn’t seeing anyone, sending me gifts, wanting to stay with me at my new house “as friends”, trying it on even as the removal van pulled up) I wrote him a very long email laying out all the crazy, weird, disturbing things he’d done over the years and why I was grateful that we’d broken up and I could now be free of him. He’d previously told me that he was grateful to me to have taught him so much about himself, but I explained he was a narcissist and told him to get therapy before inflicting himself on anyone else.

Fifteen years on and I’m still affected by the things he did to me in that relationship so I understand you posting, and ruminating on the twisting of reality that your ex is doing. It’s unfair and so frustrating. Not as easy with children involved to just cut all ties like I did either.

If you have supportive people around you I’d advise you to just talk it out with them. Other people agreeing it’s wrong and weird, and running through what actually happened can help take the sting out of the things he’s saying. I’d also limit the topics of discussion with him to just the practical things you need to discuss for DD. Take control back, don’t give him the satisfaction of a reaction to the crazy crap he comes out with.

Read Mary Turner Thompsons work on how sociopaths communicate and conduct relationships- see if there are a lot of similarities
this is text book behaviour

He’s starting to feel guilt and regret for the choices he made and the way he treated you.

Because he’s such massive pile of shit, he isn’t going to sit and process this, he’s going to make it your fault so he can feel anger, resentment and place himself as the victim.

This is much easier for him to live with than coming to terms with the fact it’s all his own doing and that he’s the villain.

He just wants to frame himself as a victim whilst at the same time trying to be the main character in your life. Given the amount of thinking you are doing he's achieved at least one of those aims. Just let him go OP and enjoy your life without his nonsense.

I don't think it's "guilt" he's feeling, it's the possibility that others might see him as guilty that he doesn't want. He doesn't want to get back with you, he just wants to have no faults laid at his door, that's why he'll gaslight you, so you have no firm argument against him.

I think the reason why people are saying you aren't "over him", isn't because they think you want to get back with him. Being "over someone" isn't necessarily about that. It's because you can't stop thinking about him - ultimately, at the moment, you need him to agree with you on the way things happened in order to lay it all to rest. Doesn't look like he's going to do that... If he is able to say "well that’s MY perspective on it, you don’t have to agree", I think you need to be able to say that back to him... with conviction! (even if it takes therapy to get to the point to truly be OK with the fact you can have thoughts of your own without his agreement) and put it to bed.

I'd say the only concern that might make it hard to truly put it behind you here might be if he chooses to use this narrative to your daughter (if he's even that bothered - doesn't seem that way as he moved himself away) ... But if she sees you are the one making an effort to maintain their relationship, I should think she'll see straight through it.

I am so sorry to read this. Something my dad once said to me when I was trying to get over a failed relationship and questioning lots of his actions was:

”You don’t have to think about that any more. It’s in the past.”

This applies here too. Let him get on with it. You can’t explain it and it doesn’t matter any more.

Look at what you can control - next time maybe only have a child in a committed relationship that’s working, for example.

In my experience men are professional victims. I don’t know where all these men that have amicable break ups are to be honest, I’ve never met any! My Dad was emotionally and financially abusive to my Mum, their relationship ended in divorce but he always played the victim. He said ‘I never cheated’ like that wasn’t the absolute bare minimum someone should expect. My ex (13 years, 2 kids together) rewrote history completely, I am almost positive he repeatedly cheated on me, he had 50/50 care of our children and managed to end up no contact with them both but he tells everyone that it’s my fault. The current BF (who I don’t like) cried when I broke up with him ‘why should you win?’ Because I have a home and he doesn’t! They literally cannot accept responsibility for anything. I can’t tell you why though, I wish I knew. I suspect some are narcissists and I see some similarities with my Dad and my first ex, only children, worshiped by their mother etc. I did wonder if it’s something to do with that. The only way I can stand it is to just say in my head ‘that’s not what happened.’ Instead of arguing because you’re arguing with someone that would say black is white and could never ‘win’ it helps me keep sane.

Yeah, second this. When he has to explain why he is a rubbish father, it won’t be his fault

People re-frame the past to make themselves look better. Many will never, ever accept or admit that they were in the wrong about anything, even to themselves, so the chances of them acknowledging their arseholery are nil.

He's just framing things so nothing is his fault and everything is yours.

Don't speak to him about the past anymore. You're right it's absurd he moved hundreds of miles away from his family for work and seemingly didn't want you to join him. So you were essentially a single parent.

Perfectly reasonable of you to end things. Stick to your guns and don't speak to him about anything except logistics of co-parenting.

You'll never get any closure from trying to force him to admit to and apologise for his wrongdoings. Forget him and move on with your life.