AIBU, Grandparents reduced Private School Fees Support at the Last Minute.

[LighthouseDreamz]

DS has ASD and ADHD, he is very academic. Between our family, we have discussed for many years that DS will need to attend a private secondary school, as he needs small classes and a school with good pastoral care and that is nurturing. His current class teacher agrees that he will thrive in a small environment and is unlikely to cope in a huge secondary school. Very kindly, DS’s grandparents offered to pay half of the fees, meaning myself and DH can just about afford the other half. They understood this to be approximately £13k a year.

DS has gone for the trial day and 11+ and been offered a place at the school. We’ve paid the £600 deposit as well as the fees for the exam and interview (£200). He was very excited to attend the school.

Yesterday, DS’s grandparents called and said that actually, having gone through their finances, they can only afford a third of the fees. This means that DH and I would be looking at covering £20k between us, which we just can’t afford.

Do I have a chance of getting the deposit back? Is it likely the school will be able to offer any sort of financial assistance or bursary or compassionate support?

My other option is to home educate DS but I literally know nothing about this area.

I'd personally consider home ed, there are online schools and home ed networks these days that never used to exist, and fantastic tutors on MyTutor and other similar platforms that offer tutoring for very reasonable amounts. If you are new to it all it will feel ovedwhelming at first but it wouldn't take long to feel your way and develop a routine.

Strange you even applied without having a back up lan but plenty of extremely clever ASD do extremely well in main stream schools and semi selective schools.

I don’t think you’ll get the deposit back, what does the contract attached to deposit paperwork say? Ours said ‘non-refundable’ that also applied if they didn’t offer us a place.

Grandparents NEVER should have made a promise or a commitment without knowing they could honor it. They have put you, but most especially your son, in a terrible position. You never would have set this in motion had you not been told they would help to the original extent.

The deposit is not the issue here.

Are grandparents cognitively declined that they wouldn't have known their financial abilities or did they just change their mind in the end?

I wouldn't expect "compassionate" financial support from any school but you should at least see about financial aid.

I'd also see if you can get financial aid for the remaining portion Grandparents are offering to pay as you can no longer trust them not to take back that offer too...

I agree, this has the potential to simply become stressful for everyone involved, especially the child.

Would they have paid more when the fees go up in a few years?

I think you are massively underestimating tutors.

we have one that is like gold!

we do 4 hours each day 1-1 tutoring. That’s more than school as it is constant.

thwyre incredible. He’d get lost in private school which are a business at the end of the day.

Do you live in Grammar school catchment area? The two grammar schools locally for boys have many boys similar to your son. My son included and he thrived.

Not at all sneaky, honestly. I work in admissions, we just want people to be honest with us. Ring them and explain exactly what has happened, and ask if they can offer any help. It’s literally what we are there for. At this stage in the school year, their bursary funding may have all been allocated, but they may be able to help with uniform. We give all our bursary students a significant contribution to uniform when they start.

The home educate! It’s the best of both worlds. You also don’t need to quit your job. I don’t know hardly anyone who home educate and doesn’t work.

What's your household income OP? If it's under c.£75k and assuming you don't have big pots of savings or 2nd homes, you should be eligible for a bursary so just call the bursar and ask for an application form. Totally standard for a new starter they won't bat an eyelid.

Definitely ask. There may be a scholarship available? My dc have an art scholarship, music, drama and sports are all available. Scholars have a 10% reduction in fees.Id also check about school trips and uniform costs as these can easily add over £1000 a year . Good luck.

Normally I would say that you are being unreasonable….

however , because they promised, the child thinks he’s going and pulled out last minute I can see why you are annoyed.

at least it’s now and not in a terms time.

what about home schooling but getting private tutoring at the same time? Would imagine that you could find someone to tutor maths and English for a few hours a week fairly cheaply compared to school fees so he can still work towards gcse … then look into other things he can take part in- for example I know there’s an online ecology course at gcse level made for home schooling and sometimes colleges do 14-16 courses.
im also the last person who could advise on home schooling…. But if you have some money available I imagine you could make it work .

I really hope you find a solution to this. Don’t forget that fees rise annually AND for the rising year groups when working out your figures. So year 10 costs more than year 7 . And year 10 in 2029 will cost more than it does in 2026 unfortunately. This does make it tricky to plan!

26K is not too exorbitant for independent school. It sounds as thought this is senior if dc did the 11+. Many of them are 60k a year.

The grandparents have been generous, and it is better they raise it now than after he has started BUT I'm not sure they could have been working on the basis of anything much lower than 26k. It is a pity they didn't do the maths a little earlier.

I would try the bursar OP. If you feel awkward asking, you could try being honest about your reasons as a basis for backing out of the offer. I think it is likely you will lose at least the deposit I'm afraid.

Do your other dc have similar needs? I’d be really worried about prioritising one over the others, particularly as you don’t seem to have put much time and effort into getting your eldest fully assessed or looking into your local state options (what you’ve said sounds like informal conversations with other parents, not formal visits and meeting with schools)
Adding more stress in terms of work hours to an already difficult marriage also sounds like a recipe for disaster,

If you home Ed but work, do you WFH? I would try the EHCP again and online tutoring or 1-1 tutors in the home.
We paid for 1-1 maths tutor for my DD and she learnt more in 1 hour at week then a weeks schooling!

I wasn’t sure how much to write into my OP as all these other issues seem to detract from the main issue.

I have:

1. Toured 3 local senior schools, met with the senior leadership teams, talked with the SENCOs at each.
2. Made Facebook posts on local community boards asking for their experience of SEN at the schools I am considering.
3. Talked to parents with DCs at the school.
4. Discussed with his current school and class teacher regarding his needs and the local senior schools.

I have also paid for private ASD diagnosis (£2,000), private ADHD diagnosis (£1,000), funded private prescription medication when we tried this. Paid £55 an hour to an 11+ tutor to prepare him for the exams at this school. Applied for an EHCP which was rejected based on his needs not meeting the threshold.

I haven’t just sat on my hands doing nothing, which some posters seem to assume. I could have included it in my first post but it detracts from the main issue at hand.

Relying on other family members to pay for school fees is always going to create issues.
Other family members (brothers/ sisters) may request similar financial support which puts strain on the money they can provide you with.
Grandparents may need to use money for expensive care at the drop of a hat.

I think you’d be better off focussing on how you could afford it (apply for bursary, work overtime etc.) and then use any money you are given from parents as a bonus.

This is what I said.

rather than pitting £2000 a month to private school. Get a home tutor. You only need a few hours a day to relocate school and that’s huge. No one does that! But you could easily do that.

So home education seems like the best idea!

its such a good thing. Best thing we ever did.

I would say bluntly You took a massive risk by setting your child up to go to a private school that you could only just afford, with lots of help. Sorry the risk didn't pay off, but sometimes risks don't. It's probably best this way, would have been worse if he'd started, got happy and settled and then everything had gone wrong. All it would have taken is for one of the GPs to fall and need on going care and they would have been assessed as having that money for care contributions so would have had to keep it anyway. Look at other options, many children with SEN needs manage without ever having the option of private school.

It is really hard and there are no guarantees sadly.

I feel though that you may not have realised that local authorities routinely turn down EHCP requests? And not because the child doesn't have needs that meet the legal thresholds. Because they're under pressure to reduce EHCPs.

I do feel your local authority has done you a disservice. Many of us have been in that position.

Given both you & DH work.... could GPs help you with childcare if you were to both continue working and get a home tutor involved?

So your son stays home and a tutor comes around but Grandparents are home when you / DH are not? That way they'd still be helping? But not relied upon financially.

I get that you are spinning a bit but if you take a breath there are a few things here. Some mainstream schools have large SEN provision and have units when those children aren't in masses of students. Bullying unfortunately happens all the time and can happen at private school too, so this isn't the silver bullet you may think. Expectations and rules of teachers should be the same at state and private. Again, this may not be the silver bullet you think. Your son has been in classes presumable of around 30 children so that won't change at state - why now all of a sudden is it an issue (or more of an issue?).

I get your heart is set on private for your son and you are only doing your best but considering everything you have said state is a solution. You might not like it but it is a solution. I know many kids with SEN with similar (acknowledging all kids are different) concerns as you son who have thrived at state school.

I will also end by saying (having experience of both state and private) that many private schools are full of kids who for whatever reason 'can't' go to state schools and while those classes of 15 are 'better', they can also be as disruptive, need more focus due to the very different needs of the children and can have bullying all the same.

I honestly think you need to re-think your mindset rather than forcing private due to your circumstance now.