AIBU, Grandparents reduced Private School Fees Support at the Last Minute.

[LighthouseDreamz]

DS has ASD and ADHD, he is very academic. Between our family, we have discussed for many years that DS will need to attend a private secondary school, as he needs small classes and a school with good pastoral care and that is nurturing. His current class teacher agrees that he will thrive in a small environment and is unlikely to cope in a huge secondary school. Very kindly, DS’s grandparents offered to pay half of the fees, meaning myself and DH can just about afford the other half. They understood this to be approximately £13k a year.

DS has gone for the trial day and 11+ and been offered a place at the school. We’ve paid the £600 deposit as well as the fees for the exam and interview (£200). He was very excited to attend the school.

Yesterday, DS’s grandparents called and said that actually, having gone through their finances, they can only afford a third of the fees. This means that DH and I would be looking at covering £20k between us, which we just can’t afford.

Do I have a chance of getting the deposit back? Is it likely the school will be able to offer any sort of financial assistance or bursary or compassionate support?

My other option is to home educate DS but I literally know nothing about this area.

It isn’t just that, I’ve outlined very basically why I don’t feel a massive mainstream school wouldn’t work. It’s the overwhelm, the amount of students, the transitioning between classrooms in a large school with masses of students, his social needs which make him a target for bullying, the levels of organisation needed, the different expectations and rules of different teachers which he will find confusing. The list goes on and on. The exact words of his teacher were, ‘sending him to a large state school would be less than ideal.’

Are you aiming to stay at the school until Y11 or until Y13. If you had been planning for Y13, could you consider Y11 instead. Your money may stretch a bit further. If you are dead set on private school, you may have to reduce the extras for starters - kids don't have to go on all trips. Nice if they can obviously. Also have you factored in fee increases? I would also look at state schools - they see a lot of academic neurodivergent children - you don't really need a whole class of similar kids - just enough that they are catered for.

Sounds like home ed then, if you can't afford private school. Have you really looked into private school, beyond small classes etc? Do you think he'd cope with the culture? Do you think there's less bullying in private schools?

A lot of parents of ND kids I know home ed, there's lots of support out there.

Not cheeky to reach out about bursaries now at all, just explain the situation.

They have been v unreasonable.

But honestly if you could only scrape together the £16k in the first place maybe it's a blessing in disguise. Costs are going up and there are often hidden or unexpected costs attached to private school. Plus the fees will probably go up year on year. Ours have just gone up 15% and we can't really afford it. We'll probably have to pull our child out.

What are your earnings? As that will impact chance of bursary eg if you earn 100k but have a big mortgage and a pony they will probably tell you to piss off.

Could a scholarship be an option, given how academic he is?

How far did you get with the ehcp?

There’s loads of parents asking for bursaries now. If this school offers bursaries, what are the rules? Income might have to be very low and dc might need to be more academic. Depends on the school. Slightly odd that grand parents have withdrawn money - probably Trump related and worried about savings portfolio.

It's not sneaky to try for a bursary and scholarship. You need to apply now.

There is some hardship support for other years but if you get a bursary or scholarship or both that will continue with your son throughout the school including sixth form. But you must apply now and be fully transparent with your finances.

Your answers are so waffly and you never directly answer any questions asked.

You still haven’t said if you work. I’m guessing not by the lack of response so that’s an easy way to plug the gap…

”explored the local secondaries” wtf does that even mean? Did you go and meet with the SENCO? Open days? Or did you gossip with a parent in the playground.

Your reluctance to answer any questions on the needs assessment makes me think you haven’t even applied for this, so basically you just decided upon yourself you wanted private.

On top of that, I don’t know anyone that wouldn’t still apply for a state school place even if they were likely to go private, as a back up.

As you can’t seem to directly answer anything, I would hazard a guess you never directly had a conversation with grandparents about the explicit level of support and financing that would be needed. Was it a vague- we fancy him going private, grandparents replied- oooh we can help….

And now (predictably) you find yourself in this situation.

I mean, there are lots of things people do are 'less than ideal' but that doesn't mean they won't work out. Your son could join chess club, D&D club, model UN... all sorts of things available in a large school. He could get a pass to move through the hallways a bit earlier or later than others (my daughter has one) to help him get used to the transitions. If you take private school off the table and focus on what you need to put in place to support him in the school that is the only affordable option you could probably find solutions to much of what worries you. I'd say S1 (I'm in Scotland) was rough but we tweaked a few small things and now S2 is brilliant.

Now that I know you have other children and a shaky marriage it's even more important to pick something sustainable - if your child gets settled into private and you split up or another of your children need specialist support or your inlaws pull the rest of the money it will be much harder to adjust.

Definitely enquire about bursaries.

It’s unfortunate that the grandparents did this but at least they realised before he started and got settled.

Otherwise why not try him in the state school and invest the £13k you’re saving in tutors, extracurricular activities, ADHD coaching etc. as needed and see how things go. He might surprise you. Yes, smaller classes can make things easier but equally being with classmates he already knows and having a shorter day than the traditional private school long day can be beneficial.

Don’t need to factor any of that in.
they don’t have to go in the expensive overseas trips, there will likely be day trips to London which are like £40, second hand uniforms shop and lunch is normally included-especially with 26k fees. It’s only the super budget private school where you pay for lunch.

my children all are private and we choose to pay for singing etc, but if we didn’t then the extras are literally a couple of hundred a year.

Did you tell them the fees and they willingly offered or did you ask them to help me outright.

if you can’t afford private try state school, my DD’s both nd went through the state system, it’s not a case of need it is a case of you want, and we can’t all have what we want. Grandparents also may have not realised the cost, it seems very high to me, my friends are moaning their fees have gone up to £18k a year so £26 seems a lot

I don't understand why you didn't pursue the EHCP regardless. Quite aside from the issue of support from the grandparents, you would be in the same situation if one of you lost their job for whatever reason. I would suggest you put in a new application now, if only as a backstop.

Step 1 Assess finances. Work out exactly how much money you can free up as a couple. What's the gap?
Step 2 Approach the school for assistance, seriously consider pre-emptively declining place for September unless a terms fees is a risk you are willing to take in case the magic money tree blooms. Also ask the school about the second hand shop and the next dates. It's usually run by the PTA and they'll advertise it on their own school social media. It will at least give you an idea of what stuff costs. Loads usually comes in at the end of summer term with a sale in the holidays in my experience.
Step 3 Revert to GP's to confirm what they can afford and for how long?
Step 4 Figure out what you can do to drive any extra income to close the gap. You've repeatedly ignored the question of whether you have a job for example.

Btw none of the needs you mentioned are likely to be better in a private mainstream school, 25 to a class vs 30 to a class isn’t much difference and bullying in my experience happens in private too, if anything worse, the worst bully I know went to a private school

I'd ask for the bursary now. They can only say no. I don't think they'd then withdraw the offer. Parents do this all the time. Many know they can only afford if scholarship is included. Are there any scholarships?
Alternatively, did you look at grammar schools? My kids goto one that I deliberately picked out for its geekiness and for its SEN provision. I guess it may be too late for normal intake, but kids do leave mid-year or join in later years.
I actually felt that private schools didn't want to take my SEN kid but that's another story.

The school we are considering has classes of max. 15.

If you are considering home educating have you considered a private online school? The one I'm thinking of is Minerva Virtual Academy (MVA), but there are others out there. Fees at MVA are under £9K and it works well for neurodivergent kids.

You will have to get a part time job on top of your main job. You should have build in a contingency, given you are replying on money outside of what you can earn. What would you do if one of the grandparents had died or needed to go into a carehome.

It's not their fault they can no longer afford it, as frustrating as the short notice is. Ultimately it's your responsibility to earn enough to send your child private, not theirs. You have to work with what you have or earn more as a family.

If the Conservatives get back in they may scrap the VAT - write to Kemi and see what her plans are. (Or whoever you think will be next in government).

What about your other DC? Will they go to the state school?

In all honesty OP I would work on the basis of either funding it all yourself or your child not going. I would not be prepared to have him start at the school being reliant on the GPs paying every year, if they have already flip flopped before he has even started. It will be worse if they decide later on down the line that they can’t help anymore. I think you need to look at alternatives.

Ask for sure.

you never know. The worse they can say is no.

You'd be better off pushing for his EHCP and getting the necessary support for him that way.

I’m in the south east and home educate.

inbox me if you want any advice. Best thing we ever did.

rather than a private school put the money what you were going to pay and pay for a home tutor. 1-1 learning