AIBU, Grandparents reduced Private School Fees Support at the Last Minute.

[LighthouseDreamz]

DS has ASD and ADHD, he is very academic. Between our family, we have discussed for many years that DS will need to attend a private secondary school, as he needs small classes and a school with good pastoral care and that is nurturing. His current class teacher agrees that he will thrive in a small environment and is unlikely to cope in a huge secondary school. Very kindly, DS’s grandparents offered to pay half of the fees, meaning myself and DH can just about afford the other half. They understood this to be approximately £13k a year.

DS has gone for the trial day and 11+ and been offered a place at the school. We’ve paid the £600 deposit as well as the fees for the exam and interview (£200). He was very excited to attend the school.

Yesterday, DS’s grandparents called and said that actually, having gone through their finances, they can only afford a third of the fees. This means that DH and I would be looking at covering £20k between us, which we just can’t afford.

Do I have a chance of getting the deposit back? Is it likely the school will be able to offer any sort of financial assistance or bursary or compassionate support?

My other option is to home educate DS but I literally know nothing about this area.

Does your child have an ECHP? If you can show that no states schools are suitable, the LA may pay the fees

Sounds like bad planning all round. Even if they had stuck with half the fees at £13k, everyone knows that private school fees rise every year, so over time your contribution would have had to increase. I’d check out the bursary situation. It should never have got to the point where the child has been to the school and thinks he’s going there, without the finances being crystal clear.

This has been discussed for the past year. GPs agreed to half of the fees for 5 years (up to year 11). This was back in September when we first applied (he sat the 11+ in November). There has been numerous discussions since e.g we’d prefer they pay the school directly rather than send us the money, can a trust be set up to ensure the money for 5 years?

Now, in April, they said they’ve look at their pensions again and can only afford £6k vs £13k that was originally discussed.

And you doubled down by being rude twice! What a shame the block button isn’t an option.

In terms of increases, my DH gets regular pay rises at work which would account for these incremental increases, but obviously wouldn’t cover the new amount we’d have to pay £20k + increases on top. We were relying on the £13k from grandparents, there’s now a £7k extra we need to fund that we hadn’t accounted for.

Exactly. Bad planning all round. The parents should have done their due diligence with the grandparents to check whether the offer was actually affordable.

It does not look sneaky. I work in a related area and people ask for scholarships/bursaries at all stages of the process. My guess is that lots of people will be fairly pushy about it. It's also not uncommon for individual financial status/affordability to change.

They will be very used to the question. If I were you I'd be exploring any funding they have (definitely before you look at part-time jobs) without worrying about it looking sneaky in the slightest.

How would you suggest we do that? We repeatedly discussed the figure of £13k which they agreed repeatedly and discussed how this would work practically. Short of asking to look into their bank accounts ourselves, what more should we have done? Genuinely?

If you feel I've broken Mumsnet rules, feel free to report my post(s) @EvangelicalAboutButteredToast.

I inferred the OP hadn't applied to state schools as a back up as otherwise her initial post would have been rather different.

Just wanted to say that I really feel for you and I’m sorry this has happened. Call to the admissions/ bursary people, as PPs say, should be first port of call, explaining how much you are able to pay and just being honest and seeing what they can offer. Do you think the grandparents understand how hard you’ve tried to exhaust all the other options and how limited your options actually are outside of this private school? Is there no chance they could review their decision? Is there any way that moving areas could be an option, for a more affordable school? If you haven’t already I would also challenge the EHCP decision alongside the other things you’re doing - SENDIAGS / SENDIASS and other similar organisations can really help with this - as PP say you may be able to secure EHCP support for private school fees in the end especially if as you say teachers agree that no other settings are suitable. Sending sympathy, I know how impossible it can be to find a suitable school for a child with SEND and how hard it is to get an EHCP - even more so I imagine when your child has a complex profile and is socially vulnerable. As a working parent it’s utterly exhausting. And yes home school is an option but why should children with SEND not be able to access a decent education at school like everyone else? It’s outrageous.

What are your combined earnings? How many other children? People on here might be able to give you an idea if a bursary is worth asking for. What is your plan for your younger children. What if they turn out to be even more gifted/neurodiverse? I think if you are quibbling over a few K and grandparents are already back-tracking you really need to sit down and consider your state options seriously. Many state schools have vastly improved their SEND offering. Your son will be Ok. Your kids need a mum who is not working 2 jobs more than they need one sibling to have a slightly smaller class size.

OP what a horrible and very unfair situation you have been put in.

We depend on GP's to help us with private school fees as I'm sure so many others do too.

Other than apply for the bursary, I can't offer you any advice but truly sympathise with the situation you are in.

Even if you did get a bursary for the first year, what would you do if you didn't secure in the second year and so forth. Surely it would be worse to start him at private school then have to withdraw him after a year or so?

How very sanctimonious of you @Needlenardlenoo I think we can both agree the ‘spirit of your posts’ were not exactly friendly 🤦🏻‍♀️. Let’s leave the OP’s thread in peace now.

Speak to the school, tell them what's happened. They'll offer you a payment plan.

I’m sorry you have been left in this position, you sound like a great mum so it must be awful thinking all had been sorted out to get this news from the grandparents. I would also try for a bursary, that is what they are there for. Have you thought of adding the £35k to your mortgage? It shouldn’t be too much of a monthly addition and maybe the grandparents would be willing to help with the smaller monthly amoun? Don’t try and get a second job, that sounds like it may push your marriage over the edge. I hope it all works out for you.

Please talk to the school and apply for a bursary. Later, once he's been there for a while and they have had a chance to assess him, you may be able to also apply for a scholarship. Good luck!

It's worth reapplying for an echp. Its not clear how far you got in the process, whether they refused to assess or whether they assessed and said he "didn't meet the threshold".

The threshold for assessment is that the child has or may have SEN that may require provision detailed in an EHCP.

His academic ability is irrelevant (although the local authority will tell you that it's not!)

My oldest was initially refused assessment but, at appeal, was assessed and granted a place at a special school. If the SEN provision locally is poor its not out of the question that the local authority won't pay for a place at the independent school you have chosen (but this is going to be really hard to justify if he's already there and already being funded by you)

Mainstream would have to be an option if there was literally no alternative, as there is for millions of us with kids who have additional support needs.

That said speak to school about bursaries and if there really is no mainstream school, whether the council would pay towards fees for independent. (They can do so in Scotland, but I am not sure about the rest of the uk)

For those posters decrying the grandparents rowing back of their offer, if their pensions are the drawdown type, they may well be taking a huge hit thanks to Trump. I agree it wasn't sensible to promise something they couldn't fulfil but maybe they didn't foresee the coming market horror (worse is expected than has already happened, a depression even, rather than a recession). Best to know now rather than have to pull the child from the school once he has started there, I feel, however disappointing.

Ahh. So private seems to be right out the window

defo times to stay looking around for other options.

there are cheaper private schools around. Might be further afield. But you never know

Yeah it could get a lot worse!

Asked them to explain what net income they need/want for the retirement they want, and to demonstrate that they had the £13k available on top of that. Stress tested what would happen in the event of an unforeseen life event occurring (e.g. one of them needing care). That what I would have done, because I know how hard it is having to withdraw a child from school when finances change.

Tell the school your circumstances have unexpectedly and significantly changed, ask about any bursary or scholarship schemes you might be eligible for.

YABU to blame DGP for not understanding the full extent of the commitment they were making, it was up to you to make that clear.

It's not cheeky to apply for a bursary before he starts at the school. Bursaries exist to enable those who otherwise wouldn't be able to attend private school to have that opportunity.