AIBU, Grandparents reduced Private School Fees Support at the Last Minute.

[LighthouseDreamz]

DS has ASD and ADHD, he is very academic. Between our family, we have discussed for many years that DS will need to attend a private secondary school, as he needs small classes and a school with good pastoral care and that is nurturing. His current class teacher agrees that he will thrive in a small environment and is unlikely to cope in a huge secondary school. Very kindly, DS’s grandparents offered to pay half of the fees, meaning myself and DH can just about afford the other half. They understood this to be approximately £13k a year.

DS has gone for the trial day and 11+ and been offered a place at the school. We’ve paid the £600 deposit as well as the fees for the exam and interview (£200). He was very excited to attend the school.

Yesterday, DS’s grandparents called and said that actually, having gone through their finances, they can only afford a third of the fees. This means that DH and I would be looking at covering £20k between us, which we just can’t afford.

Do I have a chance of getting the deposit back? Is it likely the school will be able to offer any sort of financial assistance or bursary or compassionate support?

My other option is to home educate DS but I literally know nothing about this area.

They struggle to cope with texts they deem ‘offensive’ in any way, far more than NT students do.

Why do they consider some texts offensive if you don’t mind me asking? Is it something to do with how they process language or do they feel under pressure to respond or is it something else? How do the ‘offensive’ texts differ in content from ones they find acceptable?

Sorry for all the questions. As the mother of an autistic teen I just find it interesting. I’m trying to learn about ND all the time.

This sounds much more like correlation than causation to me. Something like rule breaking or uncomfortable topics will just be much more distressing to a black and white thinker, plus their "stress bucket" is often fuller just getting through the day and they don't have the headroom (sorry for mixing my metaphors) to cope with any extra load.

I'm not sure what your subject is but to bring one from our experience, my child doesn't have an Eng Lit GCSE partly because he found Jekyll & Hyde too scary at 14. I'm quite sure he wouldn't cope with Sylvia Plath's poetry or Handmaid for A level from 16 either. It's not because he's been mollycoddled, it's because he is autistic and several years behind typical social & emotional development. State school doesn't fix this. If a 12 year old freaked out at rape scenes I hope you'd think maybe that was inappropriate for them rather than blaming school or parents for being overindulgent. The syllabus tends to work on an NT model of what is age appropriate but that can be several years adrift for ND students, even academic ones.

It really isn’t.

Waiting lists for Ed psychs are long and thus completing an EHCP is too. School places are all allocated now. The chance of getting one is slim and even if he did the chance of having a funded private education is low particularly when he has managed his entire primary education in the state sector. Anybody that can manage in mainstream private sector really doesn’t need an EHCP.

Legally there's only 2 legal criteria for an EHCP assessment. You don't need two years of evidence and you don't need legal support. Parents can even apply themselves without school.

Yes a huge proportion of parents have to go to tribunal but 2025 stats showed 99% of parents won their case. Tribunal is more of a delay tactic than a fight.

Having been through it twice, the first time I ultimately submitted evidence and "collaborated" with the LA to amend the EHCP before the final hearing. Only for them to concede two months before the final hearing. The second time round the (new) LA refused to evidence their decision to refuse a school transfer was lawful, and told me to take it to tribunal. I told them I was going to email the local MP and enquire whether it was an appropriate use of public funds to use tribunal as a way to delay evidencing if their decision to refuse placement was lawful or not. They gave DD a place before tribunal was even registered.

Yes it's stressful, no we shouldn't have to go through it, but if you're actually asking for your child's needs to be met, it's really not this huge expensive process that requires lawyers. You just need to know the basics of SEND law and get used to a lot of waiting.

That's crazy money. I would expect my child to live there for that price.
Sorry not helpful.

Anybody that can manage in mainstream private sector really doesn’t need an EHCP.

This isn’t true.

Great news!!!

OP I wish you luck and hope the bursar can come to some sort of agreement with you. Please do reapply for an EHCP though. Not to expect to get full fees paid by the LA - which I don’t recall you actually suggesting - but just to ensure that whatever education your DS ends up with, it meets his needs as fully as possible.

Don't you think that this is due to socioeconomic factors? The priviliged can put their children in private - take time off work to home educate so it's more due to the fact that they come from priviliged backgrounds rather than them being nd that makes them think everyone should bend to their wishes.

But do be aware that any withdrawal after this date potentially incurs fees for Autumn term, unless they agree to waiver it.

Not all schools cost so much. For example, The Kings School in Eastleigh is £13,000 per year

https://thekingsschool.org.uk/admissions/school-fees

I've had similar. LA wanted to continue DD1's EHCP without amendment when it was clearly not fit for purpose. I emailed and said 'I'm going to take this to appeal, but just wondered if you'd like to chat it through before I do.' An immediate 'Yes' and an agreement to commission new assessments.

Most LAs are under pressure so they will try to put parents off.

Me too.

Although it was a v tedious process, it doesn't require anything other than evidence collection and time.

It felt good to receive the SENDIST letters saying yes, this case does meet the bar for assessment and yes, these reports do show significant needs.

I honestly don't think my LA read anything you send them until the day before tribunal.

It is an astonishing moment as a parent when you realise how the system works to actively deny support until you make an unanswerable case.

In the case of DD2 & DD3, their school costs between £73,000 and £103,000 per year (some pupils will have 2:1 support, some will have therapy costs, etc).

Every student has a bespoke timetable with a curriculum that meets their ability and aspirations. So some will be studying English GCSE, some Functional Skills 2, some Functional Skills 1, some Entry Level, etc.

Every student gets 1:1 support at all times throughout the day. Staff hand over their student to each other throughout the day. A few students have 2:1 support at all times.

Every student has 1:1 teaching. So they get their own lesson in maths, say, covering what they need to learn in the way they need to learn it.

The classroom environment is adapted to their style of learning each time. For example, DD3 doesn't like bright lights, so the school bought a reading light for her and her English teacher turns the lights off and uses the reading light. For another student she'll turn all the lights on and play background music.

Students can do their lessons on site, off site, in the community, etc.

The staff have pool cars that they can take, so they can meet students at home if they can't come to school. DD3 had OCD and a traumatic school experience, so the staff spent almost a year driving to our house and sitting on the driveway. At first they were at the bottom of the drive, then they worked their way up the driveway, then they were able to sit at a table outside the front door, rain or shine, then they were allowed in the porch, then the hallway, then the lounge. After 9 months DD3 was able to visit the school site for a few minutes. She now has 100% attendance.

DD2 has attended since starting but finds a full time timetable overwhelming and doesn't cope with the taxi journey. So staff pick her up and drop her home each day.

That sort of provision costs a lot of money but for many of those children it's giving them the foundations to be productive members of society in the future.

It's always worth a careful look at school accounts before committing though to see if they're financially viable. Low fees and small student numbers can be a concern.

I considered a small local independent for DD but am glad I didn't go for it as they went bust two years later...

The poor chap.

Jekyll & Hyde IS scary! The Penguin Classics edition has a scary cover too.

I disagree that it isn’t worth it, even if OP has to appeal. As for EPs having long waiting lists, that is irrelevant. Despite what many LAs think, EHCNAs are governed by statutory timescales. Lack of staffing or resources is not a lawful excuse for breach of these timescales. Parents can force the LA’s hand, including via JR if necessary. School places being allocated is also irrelevant. That isn’t how EHCPs work. You are wrong to say if DC can manage in independent MS sector they automatically don’t need an EHCP. Some do and your blanket shows a lack of understanding both of SEN and EHCPs.

Unfortunately this exemplifies the problem of NDity in mainstream education - quite simply a lack of awareness and lack of training,

If some ASD students struggle more than others others it’s not because they’re spoilt, mollycoddled, wrong kind of school, wrong kind of parenting - it’s that ASD is a spectrum and affects individuals very differently. Thus differences in manifestation are generally down to individual complexion of traits.

Expecting other people to bend to them is typical of the rigidity, black and white thinking and lack of theory of mind in ASD not a reflection of schooling or upbringing. These would also affect their approach to texts that are offensive to them as they can find it very difficult to understand perspectives different to their own; and be very literal and dogmatic, struggle with nuance, idiom, metaphor.

Exactly.

Completely agree with all this. As is always the way, there are a fair few posts on this thread with opinions presented as fact and which are incorrect.

You were asking for £13k a YEAR off grandparents?? And now they’ve said they can ‘only’ give you - not loan GIVE you - £8k ish and year for for 7/8 years?
and you’re moaning OP? That is and incredibly generous offer from the GPs. You should be incredibly grateful not whining that they’ve not helped you as much as you wanted.

It isn’t about not being grateful, of course they don’t have to give DS a penny (it’s for DS’s education, not lining MY pocket!)

This was first discussed 2 years ago, the school was selected 18 months ago, tests were sat 6 months ago and offers accepted with deposits paid, all of which take a lot of time and aren’t cheap. To date the money invested in this school is £800, that doesn’t include the time taken driving there, meetings with teachers, days off work. DS has done taster days and begun to make friends there. Doing a 180 at this stage has also been to the detriment of other options, such as looking for more affordable options or enquiring about bursaries earlier or the decision not to challenge the council’s rejection of the EHCP. We have 5 months until he starts his next school!

Me and DH have been planning for a set amount of money, as they agreed on multiple occasions that they would (and were able to) contribute a set amount. They’ve toured the school and spoken to teachers, quite right too as they wanted to see where their £13k would be going. We’ve based our lifestyle around this. DH has had another discussion with his parents (DS’s grandparents) over the past 24 hours and they have said it was poor financial planning on their part and they got swept away in it all… which is very frustrating when it is something as important as DS’s education.

It's good that the school is able to have a bursary meeting - hopefully will good news in the end with them. I suppose grandparents are at their limit and can't even afford another £1k? Before looking for other work, (but obviously after making any possible changes to lifestyle, see what the bursary team think may be possible.

How many other DGC do they have?

The other grandchildren are all adults, understand DS’s SEN needs and - as I understand it - happy for the grandparents to contribute in this way. It was on the understand that the other grandchildren would receive a greater proportion of inheritance, equal to the amount spent on DS’s education.