AIBU, Grandparents reduced Private School Fees Support at the Last Minute.

[LighthouseDreamz]

DS has ASD and ADHD, he is very academic. Between our family, we have discussed for many years that DS will need to attend a private secondary school, as he needs small classes and a school with good pastoral care and that is nurturing. His current class teacher agrees that he will thrive in a small environment and is unlikely to cope in a huge secondary school. Very kindly, DS’s grandparents offered to pay half of the fees, meaning myself and DH can just about afford the other half. They understood this to be approximately £13k a year.

DS has gone for the trial day and 11+ and been offered a place at the school. We’ve paid the £600 deposit as well as the fees for the exam and interview (£200). He was very excited to attend the school.

Yesterday, DS’s grandparents called and said that actually, having gone through their finances, they can only afford a third of the fees. This means that DH and I would be looking at covering £20k between us, which we just can’t afford.

Do I have a chance of getting the deposit back? Is it likely the school will be able to offer any sort of financial assistance or bursary or compassionate support?

My other option is to home educate DS but I literally know nothing about this area.

I thought you had younger children too?

Yes but they aren’t really relevant to this conversation and haven’t been mentioned at all - why would they be? They don’t have SEN, they are over a decade away from secondary school. Who knows what the situation could be by then? The only reason we are sending DS is because he has SEN needs that can’t be met in a large mainstream school, I would hope his younger siblings would understand it was due to necessity because of his disability. Perhaps DH and I will even out their inheritance? Either way, that is a long way down the road.

they have said it was poor financial planning on their part and they got swept away in it all… which is very frustrating when it is something as important as DS’s education

That is so frustrating, I'm sorry. You've invested all this time and effort into a plan and now it's gone wrong through no fault of your own.

I'm sure you'll sort something out and your boy will be fine. You sound like good parents.

But it's also totally fine and normal to feel disappointed, frustrated, worried, angry, all of those things. I would feel them too.

I asked because you’d just said all the other grandchildren were adults so that was confusing. It seemed to contradict what you’d said earlier. I guess you meant all the grandchildren from DH’s siblings are adults?

I wonder if DH’s siblings were unhappy about the sums being paid upfront for DS and that’s why GPs have reined it in. There’s no guarantee how much will be left further down the line after care home fees have been paid, so they may have feared other GC losing out later on.

I wonder if DH’s siblings were unhappy about the sums being paid upfront for DS and that’s why GPs have reined it in. There’s no guarantee how much will be left further down the line after care home fees have been paid, so they may have feared other GC losing out later on.

The time to tell you they could only afford 1/3 was before you did the trial day and tied yourself into the contract! YANBU!

Some other things you could consider in addition to a request for help with fees (sorry if they’ve been mentioned already but this is now a long thread):

• academic scholarship at another school. Usually these are offered by the school to the highest scorers after the tests (you don’t actually apply for one yourself) so assuming he didn’t get one for the current school, he might for another school. The scholarships are usually pretty small discounts (10% or so) though.
• state school in years 7-8 (or 9) then private in Years 10 & 11 for GCSEs.
• Trying to arrange a higher bursary for the first two years then a lower one in year 9 onwards, with a view of somehow making savings towards those years. A bit like an interest only mortgage.
• Asking if more help might be viable depending on his ability to / performance after the first year. Private schools want to keep able students, not lose them to other schools.
• Asking if the fees can be spread across a longer period of time, so credit rather than upfront. Unlikely but not impossible.
• Choosing school further away with lower fees.
• Some serious lifestyle changes - downsizing / remortgaging / selling a car etc.

But they really are relevant.

Firstly, secondary school being a decade away is no less relevant than the agreement about adjusting inheritances (also hopefully a long term future plan).

Secondly, you don't know yet for sure they don't have SEN.

Thirdly, if you understand the need to adjust inheritances so that cousins get an equitable sum, surely you understand the need for DS's siblings to get an equitable gift. They aren't a unit with DS whereby DS can get all the inheritance on behalf of his siblings. It's not fair at all.

What I mean is, your younger ones going to secondary is no more "a long way down the road" than your ILs paying for care or adjusting inheritances. The ILs need to consider them too while they're considering their inheritance planning.

@Aluna agreed and worrying that this is a reflection of the education available to some of our most vulnerable students. Prejudice and lack of understanding presented as fact.

Regardless of your plan and agreeing with @ChasingMoreSleepi think it’s important to go down the EHCP route. Two of my boys suffered from severe mental health problems during teenage years, changes in schools to sen even after successful primary, support up to 25. Having them helps with the bigger picture.

Good update on the school talking to you OP
meanwhile
Have you asked the other set of grandparents if they can help. ?

All of the above plus
Im aware our old school offered families the opportunity to defer payments until their house was sold
Whenever that may be including on death

So a charge on the property
Interest added on the debt of course

so whats the gap for your next child to start secondary school#?

so you have a 11 yr old and a 1 yr old?

Other grandchild ARE relevant- esp with a vague ‘oh they’ll get more of an inheritance later’ type assumption. Family fall outs have happened over a lot less, and your asking for huge sums of money now really isn’t on, though I am a firm believer of people doing what they want with their money and no-one being owed an inheritance.
The GPs should back off this whole scheme, in fact it sounds like they may have anyway. Realising that giving you so much money could leave them vulnerable in more ways than one.

While they might understand your son's needs, they would be seeing another grandchild inherit £65 over 5 years while they might end up with nothing (care fees might absorb anything the grandparents have left).
You also have a younger child and while they don't show signs of ND now, what happens if they do when they start school? You don't sound happy about the choices of school in your area so unless it improves by the time your youngest reaches secondary age you are saying that you are happy they go to a substandard school because they don't have sen? What happens if they ask why they can't go to the same school their sibling went to?

There could be big family fall outs over not being treated the same. You haven't mentioned your family and what they will contribute (only DHs parents).

£800 really is nothing though compared to what you’re asking for from the GPs and willing to fork out yourselves over the next years. There’s not much gratitude at all in your posts IMHO. But there’s no way Inwould ever expect someone else to pay money like this for me, so just different moral compasses I suppose.
if you can’t afford fees yourself and all the extras and no doubt the annual increases to come then you’re risking your child having to leave at some point and change education.

Also to add, supposing the grandparents do have a magic money tree and can gift each grandchild £65k, your son has his chosen by you on school fees - what if he sees his sibling or cousins use theirs for a house deposit, big travelling experience, buying a nice new car etc and he then says well you made me go to that school, I would rather have had the money like everyone else?

How can you know they dont have SEN if they are 1 or younger?

And they are relevant. If you are going to scrimp and save or work two jobs to pay for this then it impacts them too (and that's before we look at the fairness point if they turn out to have SEN)

They are more likely to have SEN if a sibling does.

I have a friend who’s Dsib was sent to private school and a fortune spent, while the other 2 weren’t. SEN was the excuse but as adults it’s clear that he would have been fine anywhere - now has a mediocre normal job that may school leaver from any school would have got - and it has caused rifts ever since.
although he did meet some posh girl who’s become a hotshot lawyer and earns a fortune so I guess perhaps it was worth the money from that POV.

I really think you need to let this resentment to your ILs go. They made a mistake, shit happens, and it would be incredibly rude and grabby to give them any negative reaction while also keeping your hand held out for their £6k per year.

I think you will likely have re same problem in a few years. Once you have said things like "DS deserves better than a state school" it's very unlikely that you will turn around when your younger ones are 10 and think they "ah but this one, they do not deserve better than a state school". But I understand that you are just fire fighting right now and can't afford to think that far ahead.

It's even possible that part of your ILs' thinking is that you might be back asking for contributions for younger children's education so they need to keep some back in the interests of fairness, even if you don't.

I think evening things out with inheritance is often a lie parents tell themselves. A child with SEN is very likely to grow up needing a greater proportion of any inheritance, not less, and hopefully you will still be alive when your children are in their 50s so their adult lifestyle will be set up well before anything you write in your will becomes relevant.

Th bursary sound hopeful though, fingers crossed you will get the extra free money & it'll all work out.

Or perhaps it was less of a mistake and more they were emotionally blackmailed into it? Perhaps they’ve talked to other family members and realised what a massive ask this is and that there a bit of cheeky fuckery going on regarding assumptions about the grandparents money and about the fairness towards other family members if they give this one family/ child so much money?
If I were them I’d be worried that the OP would be after more £££ later for the siblings too.

Once you have said things like "DS deserves better than a state school" it's very unlikely that you will turn around when your younger ones are 10 and think they "ah but this one, they do not deserve better than a state school"

This, 100%. It's unthinkable really. I can only think op hasn't thought it through because her younger ones will eventually be old enough to see it this way.