AIBU, Grandparents reduced Private School Fees Support at the Last Minute.

[LighthouseDreamz]

DS has ASD and ADHD, he is very academic. Between our family, we have discussed for many years that DS will need to attend a private secondary school, as he needs small classes and a school with good pastoral care and that is nurturing. His current class teacher agrees that he will thrive in a small environment and is unlikely to cope in a huge secondary school. Very kindly, DS’s grandparents offered to pay half of the fees, meaning myself and DH can just about afford the other half. They understood this to be approximately £13k a year.

DS has gone for the trial day and 11+ and been offered a place at the school. We’ve paid the £600 deposit as well as the fees for the exam and interview (£200). He was very excited to attend the school.

Yesterday, DS’s grandparents called and said that actually, having gone through their finances, they can only afford a third of the fees. This means that DH and I would be looking at covering £20k between us, which we just can’t afford.

Do I have a chance of getting the deposit back? Is it likely the school will be able to offer any sort of financial assistance or bursary or compassionate support?

My other option is to home educate DS but I literally know nothing about this area.

Sorry, no advice regarding the money, but wanted to share my experience.

I’m in the South East and have an academically able autistic and ADHD teenager currently in Year 11. Socially, he really struggled in the first few years. He was bullied for a while, but I think that could happen in any school to be fair. By Year 9, he started to find his people, many of whom are also autistic.

I only ever had one meeting with the SEND team. They put a couple of things in place and said he could go to them with any worries. My son has never gone to see them, as he wouldn’t feel comfortable doing so. I’m also not convinced many teachers know his name, as he tends to fly under the radar and avoid drawing attention to himself.

On the flip side, despite the struggles he’s had in school ( including at times feeling like he didn’t want to be here anymore) he has gone in every day without an argument. I’m constantly amazed by his resilience. He understands he has communication difficulties, but so do his friends, which I think helps.

My overall thoughts on state school are this: has it been tough? Yes. Would he have been better off in private school or being home educated? No, I don’t think so. While he finds it difficult to form relationships and communicate, being in a large school has given him access to a wider group of children, including others similar to him. In a class of 15, it might have been harder to find those connections. In mainstream school, each subject brings different people and more opportunities to build social skills. I feel that state school has probably prepared him more for the harsh reality of the world.

My thread was about being let down by grandparents and what I can do next to mitigate this, of which there have been a number of replies.

My DC does deserve better than the state offering and I have no qualms about admitting that. I’m assuming you don’t know any SEN children traumatised by secondary school (I know lots). I’ve already said I’ll be paying for home education if I cannot find a way to make the private school affordable, which hopefully through talking to them, I can.

Do you have personal stakes in state school??

Hello, this thread is extremely long so you probably won’t have time to read this.

I know this might be a bit outside the box, but if there is anything that your husband might be getting in their will, could you ask for it now?

The reason I ask this is my husband‘s parents subbed him money that he was going to get in his grandmother‘s will & that was our house down payment. Also, there is that thing about giving gifts and then avoiding inheritance tax.

If there was anything that your husband was to inherit that could be liquidated, like a few shares or an asset, it might be worth asking for it now. You’ve probably already thought of this, and it would be a bit awkward. But your DH might know, and it’s worth asking.

Forgot to add - my son is proudly a nerd. He goes to science lectures outside of school and teaches himself advanced maths for fun. He's never been picked on for it. It's not got the stigma it once had . He's got a lovely group of friends.

And honestly, a big school feels like far better prep for college, uni and the real world

OP, I really sympathise reading your posts and I know you only want what’s best for your DS. However, you cannot afford this school and I think you will be very foolish to doggedly go down this route and put your family (and extended family) under considerable financial strain to do so. You need to look at a realistic Plan B.

Your thinking is very binary. Do you think you may have autism too?;

I was bullied horrendously at private school (and my parents were wealthy). Poorer children were also bullied and excluded

It would give you breathing space to see if working an additional job is possible, to save as much as possible, for your partner to get a wage increase etc - you have 2 years notice instead of 4 months notice then?

What strikes me is that you son's perceived need for a private school has been discussed in your family for many years, were you all saving for it?

You need the money this year, so ask the bursar this year. Then you all know where you stand with regard to that school. With or without a bursary, it sounds like this school will be a considerable financial stretch and has potential to impact your current family detrimentally. Is that in the best interests of everyone?

Quite possibly. I also ended up missing half of year 9 due to bullying in a large state school, so that could also be colouring my judgement.

I was thinking along the same lines.

I am also wondering whether the grandparents subconsciously felt railroaded because it is THE ONLY option for the boy and at the last minute realised it’s just too much.

OP my SEN high functioning child had an awful time at a private school where ahead of year 7 I was absolutely assured they were the perfect place to meet his needs, FYI. They’re a business, they’re in the business of selling themselves. If it doesn’t work out, you’ll be forced out.

My DC does deserve better than the state offering and I have no qualms about admitting that.

Does he deserve more than your other child(ren)? What are your plans for their schooling?

FWIW I was also quite single-minded about sending my kids to private school but we made sure we could afford it for both. It's very tight financially but I could never ever just send one and not the other.

It certainly will be

And I experienced awful bullying at private school and know many others who did (and shit teachers because the main requirement was that they were well spoken).

There's good and bad in both sectors.

But my nerdy gentle studious son is having a blast (on his own terms) at secondary. If your son is top set material he should be cushioned from the bad behaviour

Having no spare money ever makes for a pretty grim childhood, I would think very carefully before risking that

So people without the resources to fund private education don’t ’deserve’’ it?

OP, you seriously need a reality check here.

You can’t afford private education without GP support, and they can no longer afford it either.

The reality is, private education is outside of what you are able to provide.

It’s no one’s fault. It’s just reality.

If you and your husband had a drop in income you’d get screwed as well.

Get real and make plans based on what you can, independently sustain.

I’ve now told you multiple times I’m going to fund home education and tutors if I cannot make the private school affordable…

Another point to consider is that neurodivergence is genetic and it’s very unlikely your other children aren’t also neurodivergent too. Their needs may not be obvious yet - for girls especially it can present much more when they get older. Right not, you think this is the best/only option for your eldest. But it may also be the best/only option for future children and the bottom line is that you can’t afford it.

You seem to think that the worst thing is that your son does not go to this private seniors. I would suggest that the worst thing would actually be that he does, it is great for him, but your younger child(ren) have a horrendous time at their state school and you’ve got a far bigger problem which may well cause a rift across your whole family. Imagine feeling like you do about your school experience, but also knowing that your sibling had a whale of a time because they went somewhere else that was paid for, because their schooling was prioritised over yours.

This whole thing is a really bad idea!

Where would DC without rich DGP’s or parents that are richer than you go to school? You need to look at these options.

It’s not obscene for an independent school, many charge that per term!

My thread was about being let down by grandparents

I don't think you can argue that the grandparents have let your son down any more than you and dh have. You and dh have also made promises to DS that you can't keep, and arguably have set an expectation to the other child(ren) that you won't meet.

Is there really no way you can increase your income and/or decrease your outgoings to meet the shortfall?

Well do that then. And I wish you well.

I am going to talk with DH tonight about the possibility of me getting an evening job.

There’s a huge age gap between my DS and younger children; they will still be in young primary school when he’s finished secondary. If they have SEN needs I will have to consider the plan for them too, but that’s a decade away.

It sounds like the bursary and extra job option is the right way forward for you. EHCP can be re-applied for and might change the landscape but not quick enough for Sept.

Personally I would move mountains to keep my autistic DC away from the extra academic pressure, bigger homework load and and longer days of private school but I only know that now because of what he's been through in secondary.

Let go of your anger to the GPs. You're not that heavily in. A few hundred here and there is (scarily) nothing, it's a week or two's fees. I'm not saying that because I'm rich - it would be unaffordable to me - but you are looking at his education costing roughly £760ish a week (£26k over 34 weeks, at a guess). Whether that is paid by you, or GPs, or a bursary, or all 3 it's still that amount of money per week. You can't be angry at someone costing you that order of money when they are simultaneously offering you many times that.

If all professionals are saying he won’t cope in mainstream, he absolutely need an EHCP and likely that will fund his place at private school as there won’t be a specialist that meets needs either. Focus your efforts there. Get advice on how to ensure there is an ECHNA. They turn everyone down if they can but you have to evidence the law thresholds and be like a pitbull. Don’t just electively home ed either.
if you lay the fees yourself and hope for an EHCP - you may not get one because you can’t prove need in the right way.

I’m with you on the bullying! My parents sent me to a private secondary school, it was the worst 2 years of my life! People have this huge assumption that bullying is less in these schools when in actual fact it’s far worse, particularly if your parents struggle to afford the fees which mine didn’t! Fast forward 2 years and they finally moved me when I was very close to becoming g a school refuser! Year 9 to leaving were the best years of school for me and I’ve many life long friends form then!

Why don't you remortgage? If it's £7k for 5 years that would be 49k which isn't a huge amount in the ground scheme of things full stop it would cost more if your marriage fell apart and you and your husband lived in separate houses because you were both working too hard and parenting children with a range of needs. I appreciate that makes it sound super simple but I just wondered if this was a realistic option?

This is such a kneejerk response and really oversimplifies the issues in such a decision. One of mine went to an independent school. He's autistic and was able to go through from 4 to 18 with the same peer group, a familiar environment, small classes and teachers who knew him personally. It was what he needed, and was accomplished with a patchwork quilt of scholarships, bursaries and family help, just as the OP is contemplating. The others went to the local comp and did very well there. In the case of one it was what he explicitly requested. They all ended up with near-identical school leaving qualifications. The autistic child would not have coped with the comp. I wasn't averse to it in principle (as my decisions re the others should show) but it would have been a bruising environment for him and we all knew it. Treating kids with equal regard for their needs is not at all the same as having to treat them identically.