Page 17 | AIBU, Grandparents reduced Private School Fees Support at the Last Minute.

LighthouseDreamz · 2026-04-02T11:10:08+00:00

DS has ASD and ADHD, he is very academic. Between our family, we have discussed for many years that DS will need to attend a private secondary school, as he needs small classes and a school with good pastoral care and that is nurturing. His current class teacher agrees that he will thrive in a small environment and is unlikely to cope in a huge secondary school. Very kindly, DS’s grandparents offered to pay half of the fees, meaning myself and DH can just about afford the other half. They understood this to be approximately £13k a year. DS has gone for the trial day and 11+ and been offered a place at the school. We’ve paid the £600 deposit as well as the fees for the exam and interview (£200). He was very excited to attend the school. Yesterday, DS’s grandparents called and said that actually, having gone through their finances, they can only afford a third of the fees. This means that DH and I would be looking at covering £20k between us, which we just can’t afford. Do I have a chance of getting the deposit back? Is it likely the school will be able to offer any sort of financial assistance or bursary or compassionate support? My other option is to home educate DS but I literally know nothing about this area.

Annalouisa · 02/04/2026 19:16

BeebeeBoyle · 02/04/2026 13:32

The expensive public schools maybe but I can assure you that most of the parents of kids at private schools costing £20-30k a year are most definitely paying it from salaries.

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Exactly, who has 1 million pounds in a 'savings account' to pay school fees from interest alone?

ChasingMoreSleep · 02/04/2026 19:17

M1tz1 · 02/04/2026 19:07

No parents should be demanding the right to hoover up huge amounts of money on private non special school fees from the state particularly one whose kid is academically able and passing the 11+ whilst being told he doesn’t meet the threshold for an ehcp. There are many things state schools can and do do to accommodate kids like this.

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Advocating for your child and enforcing their legal rights doesn’t make parents demanding.

No-one gets an independent placement just because they ask for it. There has to be evidence it is required. You need to show the LA’s proposed school(s) can’t meet needs &/or it isn’t unreasonable public expenditure.You are demonstrating a lack of understanding of SEN law.

Just because the LA refused to assess or refused to issue doesn’t mean the threshold wasn’t met. Being academically able doesn’t mean a child doesn’t need an independent placement named in an EHCP. For some DC, no matter what SEP is provided, state MS can’t meet needs.

PunnyPlumPanda · 02/04/2026 19:17

VikingsandDragons · 02/04/2026 18:53

Have you looked on the school's website for the bursary criteria? Most schools will publish this. Our school is set to £45,000 or less total household income for example, no savings over £10,000, no second property, if you have signficant value in your existing home you're expected to remortgage to release funds. Bursary level is reassessed annually and will be rewarded both based on the funds they have available as well as any changes to parents circumstances. Even if you meet the criteria they have a lot more applications for the bursary funds than they have funds available, so only a small number of applicants get a bursary unfortunately (these offers are made based on 11+ results from those who had applied for a bursary in their application form) and right now that has been capped for existing students with a change of circumstances (such as redundancy, death of a parent) rather than new students. You only have to go back 5 years and there was nearly double the bursary fund and academic scolarships as well.

This

this is it really.

PunnyPlumPanda · 02/04/2026 19:18

Kingdomofsleep · 02/04/2026 19:01

I've just seen you have more DC. You just can't send only one of your children to private school. That would cause all kinds of unequal treatment issues. Perhaps the GPs have understood this.

I think you either need to increase your income significantly or drop the private school plan.

What are your and dh's jobs? Is there any likelihood of promotion? Or chance of getting a job at the school for a staff discount (eg working in the school office)

Oh my goodness

no!!!! You can’t send just one child to private school

oh. That will cause problems for the rest of your life.

that’s massively unfair.

’oh I’m so sorry Serena and bob, Tom is his super special and we decided to get extra jobs and everything to support him only on this because he needs it. He’s much more academic than you two are’

ThatWaryLimePeer · 02/04/2026 19:19

LighthouseDreamz · 02/04/2026 16:55

I honestly do not know as they are now offering less than half of what they originally said. I can’t believe it’s just change in circumstances as it’s such a huge difference in what was originally offered. Part of me does wonder if it is a bit of showboating, they even visited the school and did a tour.

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It’s likely what’s happened to investments over the last couple of weeks, maybe seeing them go down 10 to 20 plus percent has made them re evaluate.

ChasingMoreSleep · 02/04/2026 19:19

Posters know next to nothing about the op’s kid

Just like you, then. Yet you are so adamant state MS can meet needs, that he doesn’t need an EHCP, doesn’t small class sizes, etc. when you don’t actually know he doesn’t need an EHCP, doesn’t need small class sizes and you don’t know state MS can meet needs.

NimbleMauveRobin · 02/04/2026 19:20

Also think of the grandparents and their relationship with the other siblings if they were to fund this one child.

M1tz1 · 02/04/2026 19:22

ChasingMoreSleep · 02/04/2026 19:19

Posters know next to nothing about the op’s kid

Just like you, then. Yet you are so adamant state MS can meet needs, that he doesn’t need an EHCP, doesn’t small class sizes, etc. when you don’t actually know he doesn’t need an EHCP, doesn’t need small class sizes and you don’t know state MS can meet needs.

They’ve been told he doesn’t meet threshold. He has passed the 11+!! They haven’t even tried the state schools or heard what they can offer.

ChasingMoreSleep · 02/04/2026 19:24

M1tz1 · 02/04/2026 19:22

They’ve been told he doesn’t meet threshold. He has passed the 11+!! They haven’t even tried the state schools or heard what they can offer.

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As I and others have pointed out to you more than once, that doesn’t mean the legal threshold wasn’t met. LAs act unlawfully.

As I also pointed out, being academically able doesn’t mean an EHCP isn’t required. Academically able DC can meet the threshold for an EHCP naming an independent school too.

If you read OP’s posts, she has spoken to the state schools, so you are incorrect to say she hasn’t heard what they can offer. For some DC, you don’t need to try state MS to know it can’t meet needs.

Original poster

LighthouseDreamz · 02/04/2026 19:25

M1tz1 · 02/04/2026 19:22

They’ve been told he doesn’t meet threshold. He has passed the 11+!! They haven’t even tried the state schools or heard what they can offer.

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I have been on tours of all three local state schools, talked to the senior leadership teams and talked to the SENCO.

Why would I risk traumatising my DS and him feeling like a failure when I know for 99% certainty that the local comprehensives will be detrimental to him?

OP posts:

HPFA · 02/04/2026 19:27

SuperSue77 · 02/04/2026 18:59

You sound as though you are in a similar position to me 3 years ago - only the difference was not the withdrawal of funding, but the local private schools we applied to for our AuDHD son all turned him down, one before they had even met him.

He was also doing well in primary, got greater depth in all his SATS (100% in all the maths ones - but probably because he was in a room with only 2 other pupils and the school dog and teachers for support). We felt he needed a smaller school with small class sizes if he was to get anywhere in education.

When all the schools turned him down, we were left with the state application we had made several months earlier where we had just listed the local schools in order of distance. We got our 4th choice - all his friends got the first or second closest. We were devastated and felt it was the end of the world, how would he ever cope in a large state secondary with year sizes of 240 pupils (the same number as the whole school of one private we applied to).

But it has actually turned out really well for him. A lot of that has to do with the school he got allocated, which we hadn't really looked into that well beforehand, but turns out it is a massively inclusive school where the teachers actually care about the pupils. It doesn't have the best reputation academically, but they have been so accommodating of our son's needs, and he wouldn't be anywhere else.

The staff are so accessible and respond really quickly, and bend over backwards to support him. They allowed him to 'flexischool' so he spends one day a week at home pursuing his own interests (such as coding) and then 4 days in school. Most secondaries would never entertain this, but we put forward a case demonstrating how it was benficial to his education and school supported it. It helps him manage the time he is in school better, and limits his exposure to the lessons he struggles with, like dance, art, and DT.

We're now in a situation where he will go full time for year 10 and is choosing his GCSEs, he is planning to study 10 of them, and he recently got best in year on the UK intermediate maths challenge. He is really thriving, and I wasn't sure he'd even still be in school this time 2.5 yrs ago.

So state schools don't have to be the worst case scenario, assuming you find a good school that work collaboratively with parents to support the child. We had applied for an EHCP in year 6 for him and were refused, and now I think it is actually for the best, as I have heard of parents being unable to get the right provision for their child due to schools/colleges looking at the EHCP and saying no - even when the EHCP has not been updated for years (we're in Surrey and they are notoriously bad).

All the best for whatever happens, but I just wanted to share that I was in a terrible state this time 3 years ago, and now I am actualy excited for the next 2.5 yrs, I didn't think it would happen. I also feel like we missed the VAT bullet - my husband predicted it would happen and was unhappy that we would be affected, whilst I thought it would never happen, so now it has, I am so relieved he is not in a private school. I'm also thinking ahead to uni, and if my son wants to go, the fact he is in a school whose results are below average, could actually strengthen his application. What helped us I think was personally advocating for him with the teachers - I contacted each one of them and explained his needs and asked them to contact me if there were any issues. I got a lot of stick for this from third parties questioning it, but trust me it worked so well and I believe made all the difference. He is learning to advocate more for himself now, but I keep a close eye on it all to try and foresee potential issues before they escalate.

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What a lovely post, always great to see positive experiences like this.

Funnily enough DD and I spent the afternoon going through her old school reports (and mine). Mine took a dramatic turn for the better in secondary from the fourth year onwards and I explained that was mostly due to no longer having the fear of being humiliated in Art and Domestic Science.

I remember my mother coming home from Parents Evening that year and saying "All the teachers say it's like having a different child in the class".

M1tz1 · 02/04/2026 19:27

LighthouseDreamz · 02/04/2026 19:25

I have been on tours of all three local state schools, talked to the senior leadership teams and talked to the SENCO.

Why would I risk traumatising my DS and him feeling like a failure when I know for 99% certainty that the local comprehensives will be detrimental to him?

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So what have they offered that isn’t good enough?

PunnyPlumPanda · 02/04/2026 19:28

LighthouseDreamz · 02/04/2026 19:25

I have been on tours of all three local state schools, talked to the senior leadership teams and talked to the SENCO.

Why would I risk traumatising my DS and him feeling like a failure when I know for 99% certainty that the local comprehensives will be detrimental to him?

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Do you have other children and if so, are they going to go also?

PunnyPlumPanda · 02/04/2026 19:28

M1tz1 · 02/04/2026 19:27

So what have they offered that isn’t good enough?

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I think it’s private school or nothing it seems.

Judecb · 02/04/2026 19:29

Definitely make an appointment with school admissions & the Bursar asap. All Private Schools offer full and partial bursaries to a small percentage of pupils. Good luck.

Someonelookedatmypostinghistorysoichanged · 02/04/2026 19:34

Don’t depend on others .. especially when people are in their retirement years!!! Outrageous. Your child doesn’t need private education and framing the class size as a need is ridiculous. He’ll cope, like many many children who would prefer small classes

Butterflyfluff · 02/04/2026 19:35

LighthouseDreamz · 02/04/2026 19:25

I have been on tours of all three local state schools, talked to the senior leadership teams and talked to the SENCO.

Why would I risk traumatising my DS and him feeling like a failure when I know for 99% certainty that the local comprehensives will be detrimental to him?

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Because you can’t afford the private school alternative!

Seriously, you need to get your head around this and look at other options.

Summercocktailsgalore · 02/04/2026 19:36

If grandparents are now offering £6 x 5 years that is £30k.
as you needed £13 a year from them, why not ask for all the £30k to cover the first three years as planned ( with £1k not needed),

that gives ds 3 guaranteed years at your chosen school.

then can apply for scholarships, bursaries or look at relocating for better state options for GCSE’s.

Original poster

LighthouseDreamz · 02/04/2026 19:37

M1tz1 · 02/04/2026 19:27

So what have they offered that isn’t good enough?

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I’m assuming you haven’t read the full thread. The one that he was accepted into is well known for managing SEND children out via pressurising the parents. It is also a huge, busy school that would not suit DS at all. All three schools have terrible reputations locally, with a high number of parents removing their children midway through year groups. I have asked on Facebook, as well as in person, people who’s DC attend / have attended these schools. It is approximately 10:1 those who have had a terrible experience vs those who have had positive / ok experiences. None are set up for SEND, none have specialist bases or provisions. One of the senior leadership team admitted to me that they cannot do much for children who don’t have
EHCPs.

OP posts:

Original poster

LighthouseDreamz · 02/04/2026 19:39

Summercocktailsgalore · 02/04/2026 19:36

If grandparents are now offering £6 x 5 years that is £30k.
as you needed £13 a year from them, why not ask for all the £30k to cover the first three years as planned ( with £1k not needed),

that gives ds 3 guaranteed years at your chosen school.

then can apply for scholarships, bursaries or look at relocating for better state options for GCSE’s.

It would only cover the first two years…

OP posts:

Butterflyfluff · 02/04/2026 19:40

LighthouseDreamz · 02/04/2026 19:37

I’m assuming you haven’t read the full thread. The one that he was accepted into is well known for managing SEND children out via pressurising the parents. It is also a huge, busy school that would not suit DS at all. All three schools have terrible reputations locally, with a high number of parents removing their children midway through year groups. I have asked on Facebook, as well as in person, people who’s DC attend / have attended these schools. It is approximately 10:1 those who have had a terrible experience vs those who have had positive / ok experiences. None are set up for SEND, none have specialist bases or provisions. One of the senior leadership team admitted to me that they cannot do much for children who don’t have
EHCPs.

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Well, move then!

Honestly OP, you need a reality check here.

Life can be shit and you need to do what you can to mitigate that, but you can’t just decide you ‘deserve’ better.

pruningmybush · 02/04/2026 19:40

LighthouseDreamz · 02/04/2026 13:30

I do not see the point in paying for Tutors and doing state school because that is not the support DS needs. He is ahead academically, in his recent mocks he scored ‘Greater Depth’ in everything. He needs help socially and small classrooms with teachers that know him. He does not like disruptive children and will tell them off, he’s very much a target for bullying. He’s very studious and a ‘nerd’ in old school language. So a big state school and tutors would not be helpful and would not target his needs.

He was rejected for an EHCP as he did not meet the threshold and I didn’t pursue it as, by that stage, the grandparents had agreed to half the fees and the private school was very supportive of his needs and him as an individual without requiring an EHCP.

If he's bright and studious you could explore online school. My son attended Kings Interhigh during the pandemic and we were both very impressed.

But also, very bright and studious children tend to cluster in the top set and my son's experience of top set at an average state school has been great. No disruption and no shame in enjoying learning.

Our other child is bright enough for top set but had been told he won't be moved into a top set till he sorts his behaviour

Either way. You can't drain the family finances over this. It doesn't even make sense as a sacrifice now we live in an inheritocracy- better to make sure you can give him a chunky house deposit

Caloriecountskick · 02/04/2026 19:40

You mention other children, do you think the grandparents had second thoughts in terms of affordability as they wouldn't be able to afford to send the other children?

M1tz1 · 02/04/2026 19:41

LighthouseDreamz · 02/04/2026 19:37

I’m assuming you haven’t read the full thread. The one that he was accepted into is well known for managing SEND children out via pressurising the parents. It is also a huge, busy school that would not suit DS at all. All three schools have terrible reputations locally, with a high number of parents removing their children midway through year groups. I have asked on Facebook, as well as in person, people who’s DC attend / have attended these schools. It is approximately 10:1 those who have had a terrible experience vs those who have had positive / ok experiences. None are set up for SEND, none have specialist bases or provisions. One of the senior leadership team admitted to me that they cannot do much for children who don’t have
EHCPs.

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There are all sorts of things busy schools can and do provide. They must be set up for send or they wouldn’t get through Ofsted. They’d be in special measures.

NimbleMauveRobin · 02/04/2026 19:42

LighthouseDreamz · 02/04/2026 19:37

I’m assuming you haven’t read the full thread. The one that he was accepted into is well known for managing SEND children out via pressurising the parents. It is also a huge, busy school that would not suit DS at all. All three schools have terrible reputations locally, with a high number of parents removing their children midway through year groups. I have asked on Facebook, as well as in person, people who’s DC attend / have attended these schools. It is approximately 10:1 those who have had a terrible experience vs those who have had positive / ok experiences. None are set up for SEND, none have specialist bases or provisions. One of the senior leadership team admitted to me that they cannot do much for children who don’t have
EHCPs.

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So basically no state school is good enough. All three are terrible. Where is this? Hard to believe that all the children in such a wide radius are in sink schools.