AIBU, Grandparents reduced Private School Fees Support at the Last Minute.

[LighthouseDreamz]

DS has ASD and ADHD, he is very academic. Between our family, we have discussed for many years that DS will need to attend a private secondary school, as he needs small classes and a school with good pastoral care and that is nurturing. His current class teacher agrees that he will thrive in a small environment and is unlikely to cope in a huge secondary school. Very kindly, DS’s grandparents offered to pay half of the fees, meaning myself and DH can just about afford the other half. They understood this to be approximately £13k a year.

DS has gone for the trial day and 11+ and been offered a place at the school. We’ve paid the £600 deposit as well as the fees for the exam and interview (£200). He was very excited to attend the school.

Yesterday, DS’s grandparents called and said that actually, having gone through their finances, they can only afford a third of the fees. This means that DH and I would be looking at covering £20k between us, which we just can’t afford.

Do I have a chance of getting the deposit back? Is it likely the school will be able to offer any sort of financial assistance or bursary or compassionate support?

My other option is to home educate DS but I literally know nothing about this area.

for ECHP, my understanding was you needed to be 2 school years behind to qualify, that’s why we never explored it.

No, this is a myth and not true.

Are you able to narrow down where in the SE you are, OP? People may be able to be more specific with their suggestions.

Did you go to private school OP? I appreciate it is school-dependent but in my experience bullying is far worse at private schools than at standard comps. Teacher friends who've worked at both have also confirmed this - so unless it's just that your local state secondary is known for bullying and randomly your local private school is particularly good for stamping it out - he's probably not gonna have a better time at private being a "nerdy" kid

Most Kids with autism or ADHD would benefit from smaller classes , in fact any kid would. He does not meet the thresh hold for an EHCP. He is also academically able. The op just doesn’t fancy the state options. We should not be spending valuable send funds on private fees for kids like this. I’m so glad the system is being changed.

Don't feel bad about asking for financial support. Schools have it for a reason. If you do have to homeschool, don't be intimidated. There are so many resources out there now.

There is a vast difference between ‘would benefit from’ and reasonably required SEP in the legal sense. Anyone who understood the first thing about EHCPs would know this because they would know about woolly and vague wording in F.

Being academically able does not mean an EHCP isn’t required.

You don’t know OP’s DS doesn’t need an EHCP. Besides the threshold for an ECHNA isn’t that an EHCP is definitely required. Only that SEP via an EHCP may be.

Do they have other children and grandchildren? Maybe they've decided if they can't contribute the same to all the grandchildren, then they shouldn't do it for one.

OP are you under the impression that in a private school he won't have different teachers for different subjects?? Private secondary schools aren't actually that small - they generally still have several hundred pupils.

They aren't that different to state schools in this respect - he will still need to transition between lessons, will still face 5 or 6 different teachers per day with varying temperaments, and class sizes are still likely to be 18-20. And I can assure you private school pupils are every bit as likely to dislike him and rib him a fair bit if he does stuff like tell them off for disrupting the lesson.

It sounds like you have this idealistic vision of a wonderful calm school with tiny classes of children who are all perfectly behaved and kind, where every teacher will form a lovely nurturing bond with your child and make him feel extra shiny and special. It really isn't going to be like that in the way you are imagining.

You’ve got so (understandably) caught up in wanting the very best for your DS you haven’t been thinking rationally. You can’t afford it, however much you want to. It’s as simple as that.

As PP have said, there are other options which are ‘nearly best’ which will suit your circumstances better and help you avoid spiralling into financial disaster. Your DS will be far better off in the long run in a ‘good’ school with happy, functional, present parents to go home to than he would be in a ‘perfect’ school with with stressed-out, over-worked, financially strapped parents. You need to think about the bigger picture. All family members have needs, and one person should not be prioritised to the detriment of the others. I hope you find something realistic that works for you all OP.

Remember You also have to apply each year for a bursary.

it’s not just the once. They have to reassess each year

so every year you shall have to apply and if the circumstances change or if they can’t afford it or someone else comes along they can take it away again

it’s a business at the end of the day

@LighthouseDreamz
OP, I understand completely.

Please contact the bursary today. They won’t get back to you until after the Easter break but the bursary staff will be working during the holiday.

My dc got a place at our local state school. It’s very good. But they looked at his SEN (sounds the same as your son) and were honest in explaining that they couldn’t meet his needs. His IQ is 148 and he is a real target for bullying because of his AuDHD.

He will be going to our local independent school which is stuffed full of very clever children, many of whom are ND. He will be completely “normal” there.

You are not being cheeky in asking for bursary support. You may well not reach the threshold, but it’s worth asking!

professionals all agree DS is unlikely to cope.

Well if that's the case then it's sounds like you have strong grounds to apply for a place in a state special school. Then you won't need to worry about the money at all.

So a few things op that spring to mi d. Firstly, and I know not all autistic kids are the same but my twins, no learning needs but AudADHD go to a massive secondary school and actually it's been much, much better for them than primary school. As there are more children, it is easier for them to find their tribe. One is very good at dance and theatre there are loads of opportunities the other is a bit of a geek.. she spends lunch times with similar kids at D&D club at lunch time. It is a school with a good rep for SEN , I know we are lucky in that respect but if you'd asked me 2 years ago I would have said no way would they cope as would have lots of people who worked with them.

We also looked at some local schools that were alternative but still state (XP academy) was one but we are up north and don't sure they are national. That was much smaller but more sort of outdoorsy rather than academic. Not sure if there is anything similar.

There are also places like UTCs which sometimes work for neuro diverse kids. However the ones near us I think didn't start until y10.

We also have a close friend who has a teen with Autism who is very bright. He goes to a private school and did get a bursary so it's worth asking. Although he is clever he isn't like genius level so they do exist. They also use his DLA to fund the extras.

Mediknet has worked for my 2. But the above mentioned friends child is on a non stimulant and doing well.

Sending hugs though as I remember what a minefield it was.. private wasn't an option for us as it would have been 2 sets of fees.. would have had a look if there was just one of them!

It’s the overwhelm, the amount of students, the transitioning between classrooms in a large school with masses of students, his social needs which make him a target for bullying, the levels of organisation needed, the different expectations and rules of different teachers which he will find confusing. The list goes on and on.

What’s the plan when he leaves school OP? While I do understand where you’re coming from, what you’re describing is life (not just school life). Also, be reassured that he’s likely to cope much better with all these things when you’re not around (something that applies to most kids in my experience).

Is there another independent school you can apply to asap as a plan B, reason being some schools have bigger funds for bursaries than other - you can usually find out a fair bit online about their accounts.

OP if your DS has care or mobility needs might he be entitled to some Child DLA to help cover costs?

Do you have other DC and do you work at present? Are GPs on DHs side or yours? Any other grandchildren for them to consider or just your DS. These considerations also important but you’ve opted not to clarify.

He has been told he doesn’t meet the threshold for an EHCP.

That's good news that he has a place. Well, two places.

I was concerned from your previous posts that you really had put all your eggs in one basket.

What specifically is putting you off the state school (other than the opinions of disgruntled people on Facebook)?

The OP did say that he was not qualified for an EHCP- she tried to get one..

LAs say that kind of thing.

Doesn't mean it's true. If it were always or even often true, they wouldn't lose around 95% of cases at tribunal.

Can I ask why you did pursue the EHCP? Everything you are describing would show he has significant additional needs that need to be supported and an EHCP gives you the legal basis to demand this whilst he’s at school?

And is why the whole
system is being changed- thank goodness.

Why won’t he cope? What evidence do you have? There are all sorts of things schools can provide. Even those children needy enough for an EHCP who will find secondary hard have things written into ehcps that will help them cope.

Why does this child need a private education via the state tax paper and council send funding?

It's not clear if the OP's LA refused to assess or refused to issue. They rely on parents not appealing.

I think people who haven't been through the system need to be aware that LAs are very frequently in breach of the law so refuse to assess or refuse to issue does not mean the needs weren't there.

I don't know his needs and neither do you.

OP hasn't at any point said she's hoping the LA would fund private education. It's other posters who've suggested that.

@M1tz1 and @TheBlueKoala just because the LA refused to assess &/or refused to issue doesn’t mean the legal threshold wasn’t/isn’t met. LAs act unlawfully all the time. You only have to look at the appeal statistics to see that.

@M1tz1 for some, all the SEP in the world can’t make state schools suitable. People don’t get independent placements funded without evidence, but OP doesn’t need the evidence of that now before even requesting an EHCNA again.