AIBU, Grandparents reduced Private School Fees Support at the Last Minute.

[LighthouseDreamz]

DS has ASD and ADHD, he is very academic. Between our family, we have discussed for many years that DS will need to attend a private secondary school, as he needs small classes and a school with good pastoral care and that is nurturing. His current class teacher agrees that he will thrive in a small environment and is unlikely to cope in a huge secondary school. Very kindly, DS’s grandparents offered to pay half of the fees, meaning myself and DH can just about afford the other half. They understood this to be approximately £13k a year.

DS has gone for the trial day and 11+ and been offered a place at the school. We’ve paid the £600 deposit as well as the fees for the exam and interview (£200). He was very excited to attend the school.

Yesterday, DS’s grandparents called and said that actually, having gone through their finances, they can only afford a third of the fees. This means that DH and I would be looking at covering £20k between us, which we just can’t afford.

Do I have a chance of getting the deposit back? Is it likely the school will be able to offer any sort of financial assistance or bursary or compassionate support?

My other option is to home educate DS but I literally know nothing about this area.

Theyr not going to withdraw due to you asking a question, people ask these questions all the time

And I’d also be looking at your outgoings and earning potential, as the fees are only going to go in one direction. I’m speaking as someone who is currently paying close to £65k a year for two teens in private school in London.

what is your and your DH’s ability to increase your own earnings to pay the fees?

Request an EHCNA again. Appeal if the LA refuse to assess &/or refuse to issue. Ignore anyone saying there is no point pursuing an EHCP.

It doesn’t sound as though anybody in the family can afford private school, so it might be that you need to be looking at a good secondary school with equally good SEN provision. Somewhere where you can also foster the social skills they teach DS, so that he doesn’t tell other children off and get off onto a bad footing with other children.

Obviously look at scholarships and bursaries if they are options?

What are the local secondaries like? Would it be a totally bad thing to consider one of those schools ?

There are no grammars in our area, it’s standard to sit an 11+ for the private schools. He has a place at a state secondary but I would rather home school him before sending him there (for reasons discussed earlier).

I am going to contact the private school after Easter and ask about financial support. I’m also going to look for part time evening work and discuss this with DH as a possibility.

Why does he need an EHCP or private school?Many children with autism and adhd are in state secondary schools. My dd has an EHCP and has far more need than the child in the op but doesn’t need a private school. This is why the changes are very much needed. Children with more need having less money in the state sector because of kids like that in the op hoovering up money for private fees they don’t need.

If it is so tight financially, you may need to think again as fees will rise each year and there are lots of costs on top.

So an entrance exam not the 11plus and generally not as academically rigorous especially with smaller private schools.

OP you’re going round and round in circles on here. You need to apply for a bursary because there’s been a material change in your circumstances.

its not cheeky to be honest about potential financial hardship, it’s a mature adult approach to a very serious subject to discuss it openly rather than put your whole family under strain.

pick up the phone or write an email and explain what has happened and the concerns you have as a family.

if your DS is as good as you say he is academically they may consider a combination of an academic scholarship and bursary for him.

But you won’t know until you ask.

Stop explaining yourself on here and start explaining yourself to the bursar and admissions and see what they say.

for ECHP, my understanding was you needed to be 2 school years behind to qualify, that’s why we never explored it.

They won’t take away your place. You have a contract with them. If anything they’ll be asking you to pay the first terms fees if he doesn’t go. This is a legal contract. Private schools are businesses.

This is really disappointing for you and your DS. If you aren't able to get a bursary you might find a lower cost independent school as an alternative. My DD's independent school is non selective but high achievers do very well. It is very small and fees would be affordable for you because facilities are not as good. But she has been very happy there (also has ADHD and Autism and a high IQ)

The schools describe it as 11+ and 13+

As for your grandparents it’s not their fault. Cost of living is going up substantially and pensions aren’t covering the rises.

@Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies And in that basis won’t be rolling in money for bursaries either. It’s just not likely. They often want special attributes - academic, sport, etc. Not scholarship level but bang for their buck. Plus scholarships and bursaries can go together for that reason.

Medikinet, there was a bit of anxiety initially and it does sometimes spike with tiredness, but I think when the ADHD is well-controlled, the ASD behaviours come to the fore. We have reduced demands quite a lot and ensured lots of downtime and chill time, which has helped.

Lots of private schools near to London just use the 11+ and an interview(s) rather than put students through endless testing [and presumably the cost of running it themselves too]. The potential to have to sit more than 4-5 entrance tests would be high in some parts of London.

Yes you can tell them exactly how much they’ve fucked up.

its so much worse offering and retracting than not offering at all. Its causes all sorts of complications

Are you in the SE?

Have you considered online schooling. Ds2 was autistic, nerdy etc. and absolutely wasn't suitable for secondary school. We pulled him out in year 7 after only a term and he attended Interhigh (Kings Interhigh now) and it was great. He did all his IGCSEs via a private exam centre and he's now at university.

There are a few more online providers now. For social interaction he did air cadets.

My ds is extremely clever, he is nerdy, doesn't socialise well, he stands out and is diagnosed ASD. He struggled in a small primary setting with friendships but has flourished in secondary, he didn't engage with send provision but he found friends. They are all a bit nerdy tbh but they are his crew. He doesn't socialise outside of school with them. He liked his secondary comprehensive and did well achieving all high GCSE grades. I am in no doubt that he gone to an independent school he would have achieved all GCSE grades 9. You need to focus on what is achievable and going private for us was never an option we could comfortably afford unless you have a massive of savings.....

Cruel…

But to answer your question? absolutely not at all, we have private tutors that come to our house each day and they’re worth their weight in gold. Amazing people. So you don’t have to be incredible at everything. So if the OP is at a point in their life where education needs to be changed then this is a wonderful way to go. If they have enough money to nearly afford private school then they could truly personalise their child’s education and what a fortune place in life to be at!

I am extremely lucky to be where I am and I feel that others don’t have the confidence to go into home education as they’re worried that they aren’t intelligent enough or they’ll be judged for certain aspects of it. But in reality it’s a wonderful way to teach

Seconding the advice not to struggle through a year before enquiring about a bursary. The decision as to whether to award one or not won't be based on ability or whether they like him. Any child with a place will be equally entitled to apply. The only issue may be whether funds are already allotted for the coming year and if that's the case they'll just say so. I can't believe they will withdraw his place. Why would they? If they can't offer a bursary, you're obviously then going to explore other options. Once those are exhausted you may then have to refuse his place, but they're not going to hasten that decision. Personally, though, I'd enquire before Easter if there's time, not after, so that if it's a flat no you have the holiday to decide how to proceed, and can still give a term's notice if you're refusing the place.

EHCPs are based on needs, not diagnosis.

Just because some with ASD and ADHD don’t need an EHCP and not all with EHCPs need an independent placement, doesn’t mean none need an EHCP and none need an independent placement named within it.

No-one gets an independent placement named if their needs can be met in the state sector &/or it isn’t unreasonable public expenditure.

Brilliant your DD’s needs are met within the state sector with an EHCP. That doesn’t mean the OP’s DS’s can even if you think DD has higher needs based on the very limited snapshot of information OP has provided. If OP’s DS needs a MS and small class sizes, the state sector cannot provide that.

No, sorry.