AIBU, Grandparents reduced Private School Fees Support at the Last Minute.

[LighthouseDreamz]

DS has ASD and ADHD, he is very academic. Between our family, we have discussed for many years that DS will need to attend a private secondary school, as he needs small classes and a school with good pastoral care and that is nurturing. His current class teacher agrees that he will thrive in a small environment and is unlikely to cope in a huge secondary school. Very kindly, DS’s grandparents offered to pay half of the fees, meaning myself and DH can just about afford the other half. They understood this to be approximately £13k a year.

DS has gone for the trial day and 11+ and been offered a place at the school. We’ve paid the £600 deposit as well as the fees for the exam and interview (£200). He was very excited to attend the school.

Yesterday, DS’s grandparents called and said that actually, having gone through their finances, they can only afford a third of the fees. This means that DH and I would be looking at covering £20k between us, which we just can’t afford.

Do I have a chance of getting the deposit back? Is it likely the school will be able to offer any sort of financial assistance or bursary or compassionate support?

My other option is to home educate DS but I literally know nothing about this area.

If professionals state he cannot go to a mainstream school is there not funding in place for other options? Is there a lower priced private school that could be funded by the local authority? Does it have to be this particular school. If it's unaffordable then unfortunately he can't attend and surely there are other alternatives that can be offered. Surely you can't rely on grandparents contributions for the next 5 years of your son's education costs. They've already backed out of more than half of their original financial contributions offer due to them not affording it. There's not a fat lot you can do. Neither they nor you can just magic up more money other than taking on extra work to make up the costs. Grandparents should be enjoying their retirement rather than having to worry about paying out towards extortionate fees on one grandchild's private school costs.

If you are SE why can’t he go to a grammar school ? I think whatever the rights or wrongs of the grandparents changing their mind I don’t think it is realistic to rely on someone else’s input throughout secondary , especially when the fees will increase every year .

I feel sorry for the grandparents. I am sure they love their grandchild and want the best for him. Maybe they feel that the private option will be of little value and will put them under financial pressure. Will you be reciprocating when the time comes yo pay the care home fees?

Which would make no difference. Unfortunately, they either miscalculated or misunderstood their ability ti fund 50%. It’s a pain in the arse, but nothing can be done.

The OP has not said, but I do not think she has applied for a state school place and grammars are state schools.

Sorry you are going through this. I’ve worked in two independent schools and still work in the sector. Ring the bursar and talk to them - your situation shouldn’t prejudice them against at you at all, they will have seen all sorts of family circumstances change. I would be shocked if they withdrew a place based on an enquiry about financial support. The worst they can say is that there is no support available. And bear in mind that for most schools finances, having an extra bum on seat at a reduced rate via a bursary still works out better for them as long as it doesn’t impact on staffing levels. Good luck.

Yes, bursaries can be put in place to kick off for the first year of a pupil's attendance. The earlier you apply for this, the better your chances are – speed is absolutely of the essence right now. Ring/email the school, explain the situation and ask what the procedure for bursary application is.

But frankly, given the situation as you've outlined it, feeling that a request to apply for a bursary might be a bit rude/cheeky shouldn't be an issue that you let stand in the way – surely you just need to crack on and try whatever you can to secure the best educational situation for your son. Good luck.

Wading through the massive overgeneralising this just isn’t true. Not all grammars are better.

My son’s state is scoring better than the grammar the county over (15 miles). Most of the grammar kids have come back to their local state for a levels as it scores better.

Each school is different.

Have you looked into a bursary?
not sure where you are in the SE but there are schools who offer good means tested bursaries.
Uniforms lunches and trips are affordable if you use second hand sales, packed lunches and stick to only compulsory ones.

Just to reassure you, my DS sounds a similar profile.

I'm poor and my family is poor, so when the consultant and his Y6 teacher and primary head all told me he needed a small school and wouldn't cope in a big secondary, but also that he wouldn't meet an EHCP threshold, I laughed in their faces. I could as soon send him to private school as I could teach him to fly or to have exceptional social graces...

Instead, I got him into the strictest secondary I could find locally. He likes rules, always follows them and hates disruption. He has passes to avoid crowds between classes and passes to go to special areas at break and lunch; to leave class if others are disruptive and a planned special arrangement for sanctions (hasn't been needed in 3 years so far). He doesn't have any other support offered, because it's not what they're good at. Instead, he offloads on me and we talk things though and I sort it out with his tutor or head of year. They're good at rules though and firmly enact them, which works really well for strict rule followers. He's doing really well, though had a sad 6 months while we found out groove (and a place for him to go at lunch).

He has been punched 3 times for massive foot in mouth moments. They were dealt with well by school. I taught him social skills stuff at home and he's better at shutting up, if not at always saying the right thing when he speaks. He hasn't been punched since (and to be honest, that's an easier lesson to learn from a 12 year old punch than as an adult... We live in a rough area. He'd have learnt it at some point). We paid him to attend typical geek clubs to incentivse him to go at lunch. He felt safe in them and did make genuine friends after a year or so, having bonded over memorising pi to 50 places 😆.

I hope everything works out well for you and your family. Definitely ask about a bursary. Shy bairns get nowt and the worst they can do is say no. If you do end up in mainstream, then it can still be OK. If he's genuinely a rule follower and likes absolutes, then honestly, look for schools known to be strict.

You said advised he didn't meet the threshold for an EHCP. What support is he currently receiving in primary? What would you be looking for in particular in a secondary?

I don’t think you can afford it OP. Fees only go up and if this tight at the outset I’d say don’t do it and look for the best state you can find .

hiya! i went to a private school and got a bursary so might be useful…

i had a bursary alongside a scholarship - is there any possibility of DC getting an academic scholarship? you did mention they scored great results so definitely could be done - i managed to get one and have ADHD and autism too so i wouldn’t say it’s out of reach. i wasn’t diagnosed at the time so support wasn’t great but i know in a state school i would’ve really struggled - we had classes of 12 or less which really helped.

they do not judge people for bursaries - the reason they did them i believe was also due to charitable status of the schools. i’m not sure if this has changed due to VAT but definitely something religious schools do. does this school have a religious aspect? i only say this as i went to a prestigious christian school in the south east and they were very big on bursaries and improving access to education.

no one else knew i had a bursary, the teachers were completely unaware - it will be means tested annually from what i remember, you will not be discounted from entry - the whole point of bursaries are to improve accessibility to the school. we had people applying from 2-3 years before 11+.

How many more children do you have OP? Have the GPs got the collywobbles when they’ve realised they would have to pay for all the grandchildren to attend the private school? Despite your son’s SEN, you can’t just send one child to the good school.

I think, like millions of people, they assumed they could afford the fees, but on closer inspection, when you realise they go up every year, uniform is another grand, trips are another 3k it just so ludicrously expensive.

I was considering private school - but it’s going to be at least 250k for my children, and I just can’t get my head around that.

Haven’t read the full thread, but a few things to bear in mind -

1. Many schools have an income ceiling for bursaries, usually around the 70k mark. This can be difficult because, while 70k is a decent salary in the UK, factor in London/SE house prices and it starts to look impossible.

2. It’s probably fair to say that a lot of schools would be more inclined to offer bursaries to existing pupils whose families suddenly struggle financially, if they know and like the child - rather than to a new one who was offered a standard place, but now needs a bursary, if you see what I mean?

If You really think he won’t cope in a mainstream school? You need to sort out an EHC P so we will have a better chance in getting into a special-needs school.

better you know now rather than start a year and then have to pull him out a huge expense and I can understand why a grandparents have now said no

Even more so if other grandchildren happen and if you aren’t gonna have any more, DH has no siblings

I honestly don’t think the school will help you with fees at the Current climate when they’ve got children already in their school who needs the help

The teacher saying it would be “less than ideal” if he went to a mainstream is not the same as saying he can’t go. There’s loads of kids who would do better in a private school.EHCPs are hard to get but if his needs are so high as you believe, he should have got one.

I know it’s hard to accept but he may have to go to a mainstream school. You say you and your partner aren’t great at the moment. Do you think adding extra financial stress is going to help that? You could end up separated and having to pull your child out of the school.

You are worried how he’ll cope with different rules and expectations but that is part of life. He will never be able to work or study at any high level if he can’t learn some way of coping. It might be better to spent the money on private appointments with specialists who can help him learn techniques to cope.

The reality is you can’t afford it. So you need to look at other plans .

My DD is 15 and attends a prestigious private girls' school in Norwich. She got a bursary and scholarship, and we pay about a fifth of the whole fees with the help of the PIL and my DP.

I'd definitely add to what PP have said about it being well worthwhile for your DS to try and get a scholarship if he's that academic. It's certainly been a brilliant fit for my DD, she's thriving with the smaller classes and everything that is just such high quality in terms of teaching and facilities offered.

I’m amazed at the number of people saying the GPs have behaved badly - they’ve simply been honest and said they can’t afford it now.

And if you can’t afford it without their money then you need to explore other options, just like every other family that can’t afford private education has to do.

So your son doesn't have a disability that meets the EHCP standard which by the way has nothing to do with academic capability. @LighthouseDreamz

I think you have "decided" that your son will not fit in, but have you gotten him some help with social skills? He needs to learn that he's not to correct other students- that's the teachers' job.

OP, what an awful situation to find yourself in, especially so late in the day (I'm assuming your DS is Yr6).

Firstly, I would say - reapply for an EHCP now. It's too late for it to be in place for September though but it's still worth doing. Worst case scenario and you have to appeal assessment and then issue, you're looking at two years. That would still be in time for KS4.

I have a very able DS with autism. He is now Yr11. He had a grade average of 8 in his recent mocks and he has an EHCP. I know DC in grammar schools with EHCPs. It's very common for councils to claim DC are too 'able' so don't qualify for one. That is not the legal test. I had to apply myself after his primary school Senco refused to help saying he'd never get one (he did).

Ipsea have some good info about how to apply.

https://www.ipsea.org.uk/Pages/Category/get-support

My DS is in an autism provision which is attached to a mainstream secondary. He has 1 to 2 support in lessons but that is less needed now. He can go to the unit during lunchtimes as he's quite 'vulnerable'.

Are there any state schools with units like this anywhere in your area? With an EHCP, other options are also available - they don't have to be local. I know someone who has managed to get the LA to fund an independent boarding school (this was with a tribunal though).
An EHCP can also fund EOTAS (education other than at school) - look into this. It can include funding tutors.

If your DS's current teacher is saying they don't think your DS will cope in a mainstream secondary, that is helpful as they will be spoken to as part of the process.

I would also say that I would be a bit wary of a private school that has 15 students in a class. Have you looked into the financials of the school? I imagine it would very difficult for your DS if the school closed.

On a practical note, is he on the waitlist for any secondary schools?

I agree with you up to a point. But my DD's grandparents (my parents) are absolutely happy to help and contribute to their extremely bright Oxbridge material granddaughter's education, and see it as a great investment in her future.

Granted, they can afford it but it was their idea to suggest the private school, so clearly they wanted to maximise her potential.

Grammar schools in the SE are good, I went to one, but I actually didn't like a lot of the other kids who were quite awful towards those more academic 😳 And some really didn't seem bothered about the fact that they were there to learn. I'd probably have done better being at a private school.

I agree. Like you OP, they just can’t stretch to it. If they don’t have the money, what can they do? My guess is, they just didn’t realise quite how much it was. And it’s not a one off payment, it’s for a good few years. And they have now told you this. If you don’t get a bursary, you just have to come to terms with the fact, you just can’t afford it.

In my experience primary teachers do not really know enough about secondary schools to judge how children will cope. In year 7 and 8 kids go through massive changes. Again you haven't explained a lot. There are a lot of questions unanswered about the support you have and expect. You are unclear about how reliable the assessments have been. You talk about 11 plus. Was this for a state grammar school? Why didn't you apply? There are lots of options in the SE. Did you fail to apply for a state place? I fear this mess is of your own making.

Something that I don't think has been mentioned yet. A school with classes of 15 may well not be financially viable in the long term - or even the short to medium term.

Not read whole thread but I would definitely be approaching the school about a bursary in your situation OP.