AIBU, Grandparents reduced Private School Fees Support at the Last Minute.

[LighthouseDreamz]

DS has ASD and ADHD, he is very academic. Between our family, we have discussed for many years that DS will need to attend a private secondary school, as he needs small classes and a school with good pastoral care and that is nurturing. His current class teacher agrees that he will thrive in a small environment and is unlikely to cope in a huge secondary school. Very kindly, DS’s grandparents offered to pay half of the fees, meaning myself and DH can just about afford the other half. They understood this to be approximately £13k a year.

DS has gone for the trial day and 11+ and been offered a place at the school. We’ve paid the £600 deposit as well as the fees for the exam and interview (£200). He was very excited to attend the school.

Yesterday, DS’s grandparents called and said that actually, having gone through their finances, they can only afford a third of the fees. This means that DH and I would be looking at covering £20k between us, which we just can’t afford.

Do I have a chance of getting the deposit back? Is it likely the school will be able to offer any sort of financial assistance or bursary or compassionate support?

My other option is to home educate DS but I literally know nothing about this area.

That will be very much school dependent. At my school all of the parents pay full fees. Except the few with several children who get a discount.

Shitty behaviour on the part of the gps. I had a parent who enjoyed the drama of the grandiose gesture but was then reluctant to follow through, and it's a real mindfuck, especially the first time it happens.

I think your first port of call is the school bursar. I would explain the whole sorry saga. It's not cheeky, it's necessary if you're to have any hope of taking up the place, and they will have heard it all before. If your DS is academic, he will be an asset to them eventually and they will see it in those terms, not as 'charity' for a child they haven't even met yet, or whatever it is you're nervous about.

Assuming the school can help, you then also need to think about the future. You need a plan if the bursary isn't renewed year on year (though they often/usually are provided there are no big changes). And you also need a plan for when the gps pull the plug on even the 1/3 contribution, which imo is quite likely. If you take on a second job to build up a contingency fund, that may affect any bursary, so you probably need some creative financial advice, or perhaps the gps do, in terms of tax efficiency with savings or similar.

You didn't say whose parents the gps are. Do you or your dh (as relevant) have any siblings who may have stuck an oar in? In my experience, this kind of arrangement typically causes resentment in families, even though it's not really anyone else's business. Might be useful to know, though if gps' minds are made up it probably doesn't change anything.

The problem with spending out for an EHCP is that the whole SEN system is currently under consultation.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/every-child-achieving-and-thriving

Will your other children be going without for you to pay for private schooling for their siblings?

At least it is Easter so we have a couple of weeks to get a plan together.

Ah, ok. Still might be worth a try, OP.

So you disagree with the school assessments and got all the assessments privately. To put it bluntly private providers run a business and often tell parents what they want to hear. Of course you think he is special. All parents do. State schools deal with all kinds of kids. I am sure a state school will meet his needs and it provably will do him the world of good socially.

Government is quite rightly moving away from EHCPs paying for private school fees and moving towards better provision within state schools. The whole system is changing so not much point pursuing an EHCP to pay for this.

Some kids will never cope in a massive state school. Just ends in self harming, school refusal and no qualifications.

There are plenty of kids with asd and adhd in mainstream. What do you think parents do who can't afford private fees? If he's got an ehcp the mainstream will put in provision. Of course it won't be small classes but beggars can't be chosers. As pp have said see if they offer bursarys if he's passed an exam to get in they may well do. You really should look at your local schools as many have great pastoral care. Did you not look at any when choosing a school? I looked at several and all were totally different and the Catholic School had by far the best pastoral.

I feel very sorry for you because they should have looked at the costs and done the maths before. I’d be honest with the school and tell the bursar the situation (I’ve taught in several private schools - we are always sympathetic in genuine situations of need).

I teach in an independent school. Certainly since the VAT increase you would be surprised at how many parents do approach the bursar to ask for a discount so I would definitely ask. Some have been helped for a period of time. Certainly in your child's case with his needs they would be more open to helping if they can. They also need as much business as possible so there really is hope and a chance. Do ask.

That’s so frustrating op but I think you have to let this one go and figure out a new plan from scratch.

We have a similar situation with gps who over promise, and I had to quietly dig my heels in to choose a school that we could afford to pay fully for if (when) they couldn’t. That happened during an exam year, and I was so glad I’d held my ground.

It might be much more important to establish something secure and sustainable rather than the ideal school if changing at a later date would potentially be a disaster which is our case.

Would grandparents be willing to pay for X amount, and lend you the rest of the missing amount? So in total they’d pay less, but you could afford to send your son to this school now, and you’d continue to pay them back once your son leaves school? (Or would uni costs then stand in the way?) Another wild thought: could your son potentially work for a year once he leaves school, to help pay them back and gain work experience at the same time, basically taking a gap year before uni? Just trying to think out of the box here. I really hope you find a solution OP.

Well having lost £40k on my pension and investments in the last month alone and the US numpty still threatening to disrupt things further, I'm not surprise the GP's have had to review their position. I would have done the same.
That said Independent Schools have lost a lot of revenue with the VAT imposition so try your luck. My neighbours wangled a 20% discount on their fees.

One of my children had similar profile we could not afford private (my brother could & both his kids thriving).. my child fell out of mainstream in year 8 mental health breakdown already had EHCP by this point and AuDHD diagnosis but because they are academically able there are no suitable specialist schools to meet need. We now home educate whilst juggling our jobs around her needs.
There are 1000s like her on the face book groups for home education. Instead of trying to fix this huge issue in mainstream secondary the government is trying to close the option to home education. If you can’t afford private then your current budget can easily afford an online school like Mineva which is full of similar profile kids or there are lots of lower cost options but you have to facilitate it more so will cost you time. Do look on home education for all HEFA face book group.?

My youngest is at an online school - Wendover: https://wendoveronlineschool.com/

Maximum class size is 6.

Fees are £4k per term for Y7 and Y8 currently, so with the GPs contribution it should be doable.

It's a lovely school. Small and friendly. It's brought my daughter out of herself a lot more and increased her confidence. She's thriving there. I'd definitely recommend it.

You could look into online schools. They are private but less than bricks and mortar private. My husband works for one called Milverton and there are a couple of others, Kings Interhigh amf Minerva I think. Fees tend to be £8-10 thousand per year.

Can you apply for a specialist SEND school for him? They're private so tiny classes but the LEA pays. I used to work in one.

Many schools will have allocated bursary money with places so whilst it's worth asking, I wouldn't think you'd get very much. A lot of bursary money is going towards supporting existing families at the minute and schools don't/won't want to take on too many families who might need support in the future.

I am not sure about online school as I don’t want him sat at a PC all day?

Specialist SEND schools locally are for DC with learning disabilities, not for academically able students.

Would you say we’re more likely to get one if he is there for a year and then we apply? At that point they will know him and the family and be more likely to assist? We could probably afford the full fees at a push and a stretch with borrowing for Year 7.

I think you’d be surprised at how many pupils in your average comp are ‘bright/nerdy/socially immature/audadhd’ers! Comps are well set up to deal with these pupils. At my school we have quiet zones, all sorts of interventions, mentoring, friendship circles, nerdy extra curriculars and all sorts of support that ensure these pupils thrive.

It’s going to massively depend from school to school, your best bet is to ring up the bursar and just ask, state the financials, state the change in gp support and ask if there’s any options

I’m surprised how many people have said comps are brilliant with SEND children as it seems to be the opposite situation in my local area, and the general consensus (if put to a poll) would be mainstream is usually dreadful for bright children who are neurodiverse. The three Facebook posts I made asking about SEND support at local schools had about 10:1 saying support was dreadful and they wouldn’t send their child their again over their dead body.