AIBU to feel a bit hurt about childcare differences between grandchildren?

[OneLovingMoose]

Ive just had a baby and we’ve already had to confirm nursery. I’ve arranged 4 days a week when I go back (using a mix of annual leave and flexible working for the first 10 months, then we’ll reassess). My husband does contract work so can’t commit a day but will do pick ups/drops off around his contracts. I am very much of the opinion that it’s our responsibility to arrange childcare and whilst I would accept help I am not going to expect this or put this onto others - it’s theirs to offer as it’s a lot!

Here’s where I’m struggling a bit…

My sister had a baby 2 years ago and my mum looks after my nephew 2 days a week, with nursery the other 3. This was an arrangement she offered when my sister went back to work 2 days a week after Easter. As she’s a teacher this meant she didn’t have to arrange nursery until September. My sister then went back 5 days a week from the September and my mum continued to look after my nephew 2 days with him in nursery the other 3.

My mum has very strong views that nursery isn’t right for young children and has always blamed any illness or toddler behaviour on it 🙄. Both my sister and I have pushed back on this (especially when she suggests my sister should stop working), but those views have remained based on nothing but her opinion. When I say to her I think my nephew has a good balance of 2 days with her and 3 in nursery (8.15-4pm) she snaps that’s he’s too young to be in 3 full days Q (he’s 2 next month).

What’s confusing/hurtful is that there’s been no mention of a similar arrangement for my baby. I haven’t asked outright, and she hasn’t offered. What’s hurting me most is the acknowledgement- if my mum can’t offer the same to my baby as she’s committed to my nephews arrangement and can’t see herself doing more, fine, but an acknowledgment of this would go a long way. It also feels like double standards that she rants about the negatives of nursery for my nephew but there has been no mention of this for my baby.

The thing is, my mum is brilliant with my nephew and clearly loves it, but it does tire her out. She often seems irritable afterwards and has been ill more, but won’t acknowledge it’s a lot and insists she wants to do it and takes it personally when I mention how it’s a lot for her especially when I make a joke of a bad mood she may be in after a tough couple of toddler tantrum days.

My sister and her husband accept the help (understandably as it saves them a lot), but also put up with the moods and comments. I am also hurt that they haven’t mentioned the disparity either to me or I don’t think my mum.

My husband says my mum and sister are similar and live more in the moment so may not have even occurred to them that even though it’s a year away arrangements have to be made now and they aren’t thinking about it. I see that but don’t accept this as surely it’s pretty obvious, when I was pregnant but now the baby is here.

I’m reluctant to ask my mum directly because I don’t want any sense of obligation or guilt for either of us. I also see how tiring it is for her and couldn’t bear the guilt knowing it was my baby doing this and it hadn’t just been her choice. But equally I wonder if she assumes I don’t need help because I’m seen as the “capable” one and then I’ve been clear I value nursery for socialisation and that I do want to go back to work.

I think what’s bothering me most is the inconsistency. She was so adamant about nursery negatives with my nephew, yet hasn’t said anything similar to me about my child. And longer term, it feels a bit unfair that my child may be in nursery 4 days a week while my nephew (if this continues) only does 3 who will be 2 years older, plus there’s a significant financial difference for us vs my sister.

I fully appreciate no one owes me childcare, and we’ve made plans we can afford — but I can’t shake the feeling of it being a bit unequal.

AIBU to feel hurt by this, or am I overthinking it?

I think if you do it for one and you’re STILL doing it with no plans to stop, then it’s fair to “swap” to the other child and give everyone the same benefits and bonding time. Different if you plan to not do it for the original grandchild anymore, you shouldn’t have to start up again just for fairness, but keeping the first arrangement going and not helping the other child out is really unfair.

It’s like giving one child a top up for their mortgage payments and then second child buys a house and you give them no support but keep paying the first child! (If finances equal)

Best I offer no one childcare! Suits me too.I want to spend my retirement travelling. I have no problem with nurseries though.🙂

The difficulty is 2 years ago when she made the offer circumstances were different
she committed to 2 days which is fine the problem is now if she offers you the same then she’s doing 4 days childcare
the only other way is to bin your nephew off 1 day a week because your new baby has turned up
I think the only way to deal with this would be to approach your sister if she’d drop a day with your mum so it would free her up

I absolutely feel you OP

and I think it's your mum who should be initiating conversations around this

however old you are, your mum- quite obviously- treating your children differently from your sibling's children hurts!

I have (young) grown up dcs and have resolved to be as fair as I possibly can be when (if) the time comes for any of them to have kids

@OneLovingMoose I think that you should turn this on its head and instead of confronting your mum or silently seething with injustice, talk to your sister. Tell her that you can see the toll it's taken on your mum to be on regular care duties for her child and that you don't feel it's fair on her to expect her to be doing the same for your child too. Suggest that the two of you go to her and say that they want her to have her own life, and that neither of you are expecting anymore free childcare, but to be the emergency back-up carers for each of her grandchildren, at least at the start of September. Perhaps if your sister would find that change difficult, you might be in a position to offer to help her fund one of the additional days she will need to cover, at least for a while. That way you will not feel so aggrieved, your children will all get contact with gran and your mum will get a break.

Yes, exactly it's getting in there first that is key here.

It's not the same. There are young children with feelings involved. A young child who may be upset when grandma stops having time with him and disrupts his new routine because there's a shiny new toy to replace him with.

I can understand it feels unfair, but I’m unsure what you would like to happen. You’ve acknowledged the childcare is becoming hard for your mum, but you still want her to offer to care for your child??

Is there evidence other than OP's word that it's becoming hard for her? I'd be pretty tired and irritable if I had a DD that was harping at me about how hard it was for me to do the care when I was getting on just fine.

There is a difference though. We saw her regularly, but I was always there. And my DF used to tell my DC to be "careful with DNs toys" when they a) weren't playing with them badly and b) they weren't DNs toys specifically. My DC have a much stronger relationship with my MIL who lives much further away but would have them to stay with her for the occasional weekend. I spent lots of time with my GPs as a child and cherished it.

What I'm not getting is why you are focusing on this now. It's a year away. Your mum probably hasn't even thought about it as her focus I imagine is on your little baby now, not childcare in a year's time.

If you have a family Whatsapp or whatever, put a message on there to say that you've had to sign your child up recently for full-time nursery for next year, and how crazy it is that it had to be sorted already. Just let that sit for a while. Also, (so long as you're nearby to her) it might be that you agree with your mum to have her as Plan B as and when your child is unwell. It'll be fairly frequently they she'll look after your child that first year anyway if you have that agreement in place 🫣 IF your mum agrees to be Plan B, that also probably warrants a conversation with your sister about what happens with their child in that scenario

What's with all the passive aggressive and hinting communication suggestions on this thread? Just talk to each other and communicate clearly. I really would have no sympathy for a child who wanted something from me and didn't just ask directly.

OP, I wonder if it's worth looking at the very long game here. The baby and toddler years are tough and expensive - but once they get to school age your sister won't need holiday childcare and I assume you will. And inset days and school holidays can be so much more challenging to cover than nursery, and to be honest the primary years are lovely for building a relationship with grandparents, whether it's pick ups a day or two a week or childcare in the school holidays.

I agree that your mother should have had a conversation with you about this - I assume she's feeling guilty that she can't offer the same so has buried her head in the sand a bit.

But it doesn't mean they won't have a relationship in the long run - it will be different and might grow differently, but be no less lovely not least because she will get to be more "fun grandma" than she gets to be with a child she has to do regular childcare for.

Yeah, be totally passive-aggressive. 🙄

It no longer surprises me that so many Mners appear to be without friends and NC with their families.

No my dad isnt around and my parents in law live 4 hours away. My PIL want to be involved and have been involved in other ways (checking in all the time during pregnancy, making plans to come visit multiple times now baby is here, talking about when we can go visit them and what they may need to do to accommodate our stay with a baby.

It's unfair of your mum and your sister. The GPs love some DGC more than others. ILs are happy to take more at the expense of others.

In my case, it was the preference and favouritism that was most hurtful. Basically my DC are less loved by our parents than our siblings DC. It's unkind for the DGC to be dealt with differently .All of the DGC are aware of hierarchy and preferences. I think that is appalling for the grown ups involved.

The financial and emotional support that the other families benefit from is unfair too. I have said how I feel. Mostly in response to comments like I treat you all the same because money doesn't cross hands. They absolutely did not and it is their loss.

This happened in my family on both sides. On my side my DM went to live with my oldest sister for 3 months when they first had DN and then provided regular childcare and babysitting. This mean my sister could and did have another DC fairly quickly. The needs of those DC took priority over all other GC.

I'm my OH's family it was his youngest sister. ILs are getting to be elderly, it is extremely selfish of SIL and BIl to expect help like this. ILs complain, they still do it so that's on them. We are navigating ILs needed support and SIl still expecting support with DGC but too busy to support them. I'm just not willing to have ILs live with me.

We had no support. I can honestly say now DC are older I am glad it was the case. We are a strong and loving family and could raise DC on our terms. GPs let the DGC have unlimited access to screens and games and fed them tonnes of shite for an easy life .The DC involved are lovely but very spoilt.

Of course it feels unfair that the first born gets more time with the grandparents - I think it's like that in most families. Your mum was younger - also more excited about the first one - which is human nature and not personal to you.
I'm guessing your mum regrets being so vocal about nursery given she now has to do 2 days of childcare and the dgc goes to nursery anyway.
She can believe nursery is not the best choice and still not step in to make that better, it's not an ideal world people have to make compromises. I can see why she hasn't had the conversation with you - what she doesn't say/acknowledge - isn't happening - to acknowledge that she can't spend as much time with your dc as she does with your nephew will make her feel pretty bad and the only way to resolve this is to look after your dc - which she is clearly not fit to do.

I think your sister is also in denial - she is putting her financial needs ahead of your mum's health and happiness by ignoring the toll of 2 days childcare is having on your mum.
I think if your mum was honest - she'd say no to childcare for you both but that's going to cause all sorts of ructions.

All easy and short term stuff then? It seems a very different standard than you're holding your mother to.

I've not read the full thread but taking a bird's eye view of what I have picked...

You've not mentioned your mum's age & general health. Although she may be hale & hearty, our (OK, me & my mates) energy reserves drain far faster than say five years ago & this awkward fact takes a while to sink in & then to accept. So there's a lag between doing what we always did as & when we fancied to the realisation that we have limits on how much we can charge about. Impatience & irritability may occur.

I imagine your mum is paddling in these waters. Loves the grandchildren, stepped up briskly a couple of years ago to offer childcare & now finds that she is more knackered than she expected & the beloved little blister brings every nursery bug round with their toys & juice box.

Do not be surprised that by the time your baby is in daycare that your mum is muttering about or reducing the current childcare offer to your sister.

As you wisely acknowledge your mother & sister share a different approach, more short term than your preferences.

Your foresight places you well to be diplomatic & independent whilst your mother & sister work out a compromise.

Beloved little blister.😂

I think that's just a fact of life that grandparents can't always be as close to all their grandchildren. My MIL has 7 grandchildren and she is closest to the eldest two who she looked after 2 days a week for years. She isn't as close to my two (as we live further away, and looking after the first two burnt her out more than she'll ever admit), but it's impossible to make things exactly equal/fair, etc. etc. I just value the relationship they do have. I'd just plan what works for you and crack on. For what it's worth, my two have both gone to nursery and they have a fab time.

It is unfair but I think your child would be better in kindergarten. Kindergarten was brilliant for my DS and each stage was easier with their help.

My DF helped a lot but taking care of a small child all day for two or three days is a lot and I wanted my DF to enjoy his retirement. He still had my DS on the odd day. My DM like yours was incredulous that I would put my DS onto kindergarten as she "couldn't believe I was leaving him with strangers". She never once babysat though.

Your baby is little, your mum needs time to build a bond with her and see if she could manage looking after her alongside her cousin. Also, childcare is very different now. When my children were small you didn’t need to think about nursery spaces this early. I only know now because I work in a nursery.

@OneLovingMoose to answer your question more directly.

'AIBU to feel hurt by this, or am I overthinking it?'

Yes overthinking a bit, not much though. I understand that you'd like/need some acknowledgment. But here's the thing: you know your mum is strong minded about nurseries, stepped up a couple of years ago etc.

At this stage, she's battling her principles & early promises, she's bearing the honourable brunt of this.

She may say something, she may not.

Reflect upon if your need for acknowledgement is a pattern in your relationship with your mother, & how she may relate to your sister through their similar styles. Chalk & cheese comes to mind. It's not deep, I'm saying that you may be having familiar feelings that are heightened by your baby & a new actor in the 'family play'. All this is absolutely normal.

Your overall family is changing with the babies & next generation coming through.

So maybe when your mum is crabby after childcare duties, has yet another toddler bug, it's the moment for you to change the tune by doing it differently - less discussion & waiting for acknowledgement, maybe more tea (literally), sympathy & helping her manage everyday stuff. An unexpected loving hug goes a long way.

Things are changing, you've not yet seen it with your own eyes.