AIBU to feel a bit hurt about childcare differences between grandchildren?

[OneLovingMoose]

Ive just had a baby and we’ve already had to confirm nursery. I’ve arranged 4 days a week when I go back (using a mix of annual leave and flexible working for the first 10 months, then we’ll reassess). My husband does contract work so can’t commit a day but will do pick ups/drops off around his contracts. I am very much of the opinion that it’s our responsibility to arrange childcare and whilst I would accept help I am not going to expect this or put this onto others - it’s theirs to offer as it’s a lot!

Here’s where I’m struggling a bit…

My sister had a baby 2 years ago and my mum looks after my nephew 2 days a week, with nursery the other 3. This was an arrangement she offered when my sister went back to work 2 days a week after Easter. As she’s a teacher this meant she didn’t have to arrange nursery until September. My sister then went back 5 days a week from the September and my mum continued to look after my nephew 2 days with him in nursery the other 3.

My mum has very strong views that nursery isn’t right for young children and has always blamed any illness or toddler behaviour on it 🙄. Both my sister and I have pushed back on this (especially when she suggests my sister should stop working), but those views have remained based on nothing but her opinion. When I say to her I think my nephew has a good balance of 2 days with her and 3 in nursery (8.15-4pm) she snaps that’s he’s too young to be in 3 full days Q (he’s 2 next month).

What’s confusing/hurtful is that there’s been no mention of a similar arrangement for my baby. I haven’t asked outright, and she hasn’t offered. What’s hurting me most is the acknowledgement- if my mum can’t offer the same to my baby as she’s committed to my nephews arrangement and can’t see herself doing more, fine, but an acknowledgment of this would go a long way. It also feels like double standards that she rants about the negatives of nursery for my nephew but there has been no mention of this for my baby.

The thing is, my mum is brilliant with my nephew and clearly loves it, but it does tire her out. She often seems irritable afterwards and has been ill more, but won’t acknowledge it’s a lot and insists she wants to do it and takes it personally when I mention how it’s a lot for her especially when I make a joke of a bad mood she may be in after a tough couple of toddler tantrum days.

My sister and her husband accept the help (understandably as it saves them a lot), but also put up with the moods and comments. I am also hurt that they haven’t mentioned the disparity either to me or I don’t think my mum.

My husband says my mum and sister are similar and live more in the moment so may not have even occurred to them that even though it’s a year away arrangements have to be made now and they aren’t thinking about it. I see that but don’t accept this as surely it’s pretty obvious, when I was pregnant but now the baby is here.

I’m reluctant to ask my mum directly because I don’t want any sense of obligation or guilt for either of us. I also see how tiring it is for her and couldn’t bear the guilt knowing it was my baby doing this and it hadn’t just been her choice. But equally I wonder if she assumes I don’t need help because I’m seen as the “capable” one and then I’ve been clear I value nursery for socialisation and that I do want to go back to work.

I think what’s bothering me most is the inconsistency. She was so adamant about nursery negatives with my nephew, yet hasn’t said anything similar to me about my child. And longer term, it feels a bit unfair that my child may be in nursery 4 days a week while my nephew (if this continues) only does 3 who will be 2 years older, plus there’s a significant financial difference for us vs my sister.

I fully appreciate no one owes me childcare, and we’ve made plans we can afford — but I can’t shake the feeling of it being a bit unequal.

AIBU to feel hurt by this, or am I overthinking it?

You're being unreasonable. It sounds like your mum already has her hands full and wouldn't be able to take on more. It's unfortunate for you that she has this commitment already but it's the way it is. When she committed to it he was the only grandchild to worry about.
I'm not sure what you really want because you can't think it's ok for your mum to change her routine with your nephew surely. That would be very unfair.
You say you just want acknowledgement but why when you can see the why quite clearly for yourself.
You just need to accept that your mum is already doing as much (maybe more) than she's capable of.

How about mentioning ‘offhand’ to your mum that you’ve already been asked to register your child at nursery for next year, you’ve provisionally signed up for four days with you doing the fifth, but if she would like a regular slot with the new grandchild you’d be happy to facilitate that? Tell her by when you’d need to know so another family could take the extra day/s - there seems to be the demand there at the nursery.

Then leave the ball in her court.

Travelling and looking after grandchildren are not mutually exclusive.
Our grandchildren’s other GP’s do extra when we are away and we do extra while they are away. If we are both away then our children take leave or our grandchildren go into after school club.
Most things are possible with an organised timetable.
You can also have a social life.
The only things you need to consider are if you want to do it and if you have the energy.
People age differently.

Your mum thinks that you are hellbent on nursery and that's why she hasn't offered.

This is definitely the way to go.

Might she want a monthly grandma day? My parents do a Saturday afternoon post kids classes pick up and I collect the girls Sunday evening about once a Monty. It’s amazing for us as we get a night off together/a day for jobs or getting out to do something the kids would not like. It’s nice for my parents as on the Saturday, having already done a structured activity kids are very happy to play in the garden, help out with some baking or play a board game and then on the Sunday they have a day to do activities. Overnight may not be manageable with a baby/toddler but they might be willing for you to drop off say lunchtime and collect in the evening and you could then get a late lunch/early dinner and a nice walk, check out a theatre/cinema matinee, wander round a gallery or museum, shop or just have a day you can get through jobs.
Alternatively is there an option where your child does a shorter nursery day once a week and your parents have them 3-6 ish and take them to a baby cafe type thing or a walk and play at park in nice weather then stick around and have tea with you so you can catch up and have an evening a week both you and OH get to eat without juggling a baby?
They may really appreciate ideas for being involved without having to do regular weekly care and you may find that easier too.

You are not unreasonable to be hurt. Honestly there is not much you can do about it.
I expect your mum slightly regrets that she is now locked in for childcare. Also, your sister is a teacher so I'm assuming that no child care is required in the holidays?
Views on nursery are often held by people who do not need to use them. My family had similar views but they somehow thought I could afford to give up work until all kids were in school at least. I think this is quite an old fashioned view of how to earn money and build a career, even a fairly modest one.

As someone else who had a brother that was the golden child and whose children were the golden grandchildren you have my sympathies. Every time my children or my sister’s children had done something her other grandchildren had always done better.
My sister and I certainly blame our parents and not our brother.
This is one very many reasons that both my sister and I are LC with our mother who is late 90s. We visit about twice a year and our children never visit her.
This is why I am so careful to be fair and equal with my children/grandchildren.

People who rely on family a lot for childcare often are oblivious or just dont care that its to much for some grandparents.

I think you would better of with your little one in a good nursery. Your mum is critical of nursery, struggling already with a toddler ans snappy because of it. Do you really want your child in this situation long term? Believe me i know its hurtful when certain family members get lots of help whilst others struggle on and pay a fortune. MIL is like this but its just enabled a situation of poor parenting.

I would feel just as you do, OP. We have lots of family support, but my husband and I talk sometimes about how his sibling may miss out on the amazing support we’ve received because of aging grandparents. The GP will offer the same I’m sure, but practically are able to do less, and we will naturally step aside in our use of family childcare should a niece or nephew come along. My husband and I have even considered whether we would give some money to his sibling to ‘even things up’ if family childcare couldn’t be given.

so I’m surprised particularly that your sister hasn’t spoken to you about it, and her plans at all. I’d raise it, because the bond our kids have with GPs is amazing and extremely beneficial to them, and I think anything that you perceive disadvantages your child, will fester like no other slight has done before.

I am saying this gently …

if you were my mate and said all that to my face id stop you and point out that thats a lot if whining over something that is all in your head

you haven’t used your voice to express your thoughts to your mum or sister yet , but you are upset about something they haven’t actually done !!!

you even told your mum the childcare was all sorted but are now upset shes not arranging childcare with you now …. Come on !!! Wobble that head a bit

hopefully your mum will offer you lots of one off and weekend break type of childcare which is invaluable and you can feel less aggrieved

seriously i am not dismissing your issue you have a point regarding fairness but just speak up a bit and get it sorted

It could be due to a lot of things and the only way to know is go ask and speak about it. For instance as you've talked so much about nursery she may think you don't want the help. She might not have even thought about it yet. She might feel at capacity and not want too. She might be reluctant to change the number of days she has your nephew as the childcare arrangement is longstanding.

There's no point in letting it go without checking with her especially as it will breed resentment.

Yes , I think it has to be otherwise your DM could be looking after your children for most of her retirement

I don't even understand this. You want the 'same' relationship but it's a completely different context. When your mother made this offer to your sister, she was in her mid-60s and now she's in her late 60s. Your sister's child was her first grandchild (?) and you say your mum has struggled. Now this will be a second grandchild (?) after a few years of being a caregiver and that will have taken a toll, but you want her to approach it as if this hasn't happened and she won't be in her early 70s? I'm also unclear, given that your sister is a teacher, whether your mum has her child year round or only for the 39 weeks per year that she works, and whether you're looking for 39 weeks or 48 to cover the average work pattern? In other words, 'while I'm at work' may have two different realities.

I mean the solution, in terms of the relationship, is quite obvious. Instead of thinking about childcare, consider spending 1 day a week with your baby and your mum. This won't save you money but it would achieve the goal of ensuring a close bond.

You aren't being unreasonable but you know what? With how her attitude is about it, you are better off. But it's hurtful when things are similar for siblings or even acknowledged. We have this as well with in-laws. They did childcare for SIL and still now years later do an after-school pickup at least once a week and I remember MIL being so adamant about wanting to do this when the time came for the child to start school. My kids don't get offered this and they would absolutely adore it. Granted they do help out with one of mine during school holidays (one is still at nursery, not sure if they will still offer when he's started school). But the disparity is really frustrating and the favouritism is very obvious to me. So I get it, you are right to be annoyed.

This Is such a key point I hadn’t thought about. If my mum continues to provide childcare for my nephew when mine starts nursery, then I will feel a little hurt. My nephew will have benefitted from part time
nursery and time with his DGM for 2 years by then and be 3. Maybe it’s more enjoyable to look after a 3 year old and she doesnt want to stop which is fine as they’ve created such a nice bond.

I don’t expect my mum to take on my child too but keeping the arrangement with my sisters child with no offer to
swap her focus to my baby would be hurtful
especially with her views on nursery and mean my baby wouldn’t get the same immediate relationship with her. I agree with others that this can be built in other ways but it will just be different, as in reality it will be weekends only when me or my husband are also around.

I also saw another post from someone saying nurseries and early years are the critical point - I read a similar study (trying to find merit in my mums views) that said from 2.5-3, nursery attendance actually had positive impacts that outweighed any negatives.

So you want your mum to effectively drop her current arrangements to look after your child instead. That's very entitled.

I think you will read this post back to yourself in years to come and be scarlet with embarrassment at your sense of entitlement to your mother’s time and energy. You’re behaving like a five year old being afraid someone else is getting a bigger slice of birthday cake.

Sounds like your mum already bit off too much with your nephew but won't admit it. Just book a nursery. It's always better to keep childcare arrangements professional, imho. Otherwise everything ends with resentment and arguments, and a scrabble to find extra hours when the (usually elderly) family member gets sick from overdoing it or otherwise flakes out.

It doesn't have to be weekends only. You have your mat leave, could spend at least one day a week with your mother then, maybe even consider part-time to continue with this. Point being, this is your choice. You write as if things are being done TO YOU. They're not. You have control over this situation. You have responsibility.

Very well put.

When our first grandchild was born, we committed to one day a week. That was ten years ago and since then the days have crept up for each successive grandchild, so at peak we were doing four days a week. We now do three days a week and some extra school drop offs and pick ups. I worked full time all my life as a teacher and I had just retired at 65 when the call for childcare came. We are now mid seventies and I am so tired. Holidays are out of the question, they don't have cover for school holidays. I dare not say no or there is a bout of sulking. I am sick of being lectured about modern parenthood. I never had help with mine. There were not after school clubs or even many nurseries.
My daughter constantly refers to being post partum ( baby is now four) to explain why she is extra tired. I am just waiting for her to jump seamlessly to peri menopause. Luckily, in my day, they hadn't invented post partum or peri menopause as a get out reason for all tiredness. I just had to get on with it because there wasn't someone older standing in the wings to take on the burden.
I have eighty year old friend who has just had her youngish grandchildren for two weeks whilst the parents are on holiday. I know eighty year olds do not have the HUGE excuse of being post partum or peri but we do get tired (and then we die). There is some real entitlement from some MN posters.

I think you’re maybe being a little unreasonable for a couple of reasons. Firstly you’ve only just had your baby, maybe your mum and your sister haven’t even thought about this yet? Or maybe they have thought about it but don’t want to mention it and get you thinking about the end of your mat leave when you’ve only just started it?

Or maybe your mum thinks you’d say no anyway because you’ve been so adamant that nursery is a good thing in relation to your nephew, so she hasn’t wanted to mention it?

It sounds like there could be a mismatch of expectations that just aren’t being communicated here. Maybe you just need to have an open chat with you mum about it?

This is just terrible. I am 54 and already tired. No way would I want to do this. The entitlement!

Before anyone asks me what childcare I had, I relied only on paid childcare. Both sets of parents too far away.

Tbh, I do think that the fair option is to let the older child go to nursery more and look after the baby. Esp since OPs mum is strongly of the belief that babies shouldn't be in full time nursery.
I think it's also important to offer support equally for each daughter, where possible.
The sister has had the benefit of 2 years subsidised childcare, her child has formed a close bond with his gran. It's fair that she should step back and allow her sister to have that same opportunity.

Barring healthcare changes, or not living close by, I strongly believe that parents should support their dc equally when it comes to childcare - anything else leads to hurt feelings and beliefs that one is the favourite and that's not good for relationships.

I don't think OP is being unreasonable to think this ought to have crossed her mind and that mum should have had a conversation with her about this. Of course she doesn't want to ask - the offer should come from mum, otherwise OP will feel like she's pressured her.

All that being said, help from family is never totally without strings and sometimes it's better to be self sufficient and free from the judgement of grandparents, which comes along with their help!