AIBU to feel a bit hurt about childcare differences between grandchildren?

[OneLovingMoose]

Ive just had a baby and we’ve already had to confirm nursery. I’ve arranged 4 days a week when I go back (using a mix of annual leave and flexible working for the first 10 months, then we’ll reassess). My husband does contract work so can’t commit a day but will do pick ups/drops off around his contracts. I am very much of the opinion that it’s our responsibility to arrange childcare and whilst I would accept help I am not going to expect this or put this onto others - it’s theirs to offer as it’s a lot!

Here’s where I’m struggling a bit…

My sister had a baby 2 years ago and my mum looks after my nephew 2 days a week, with nursery the other 3. This was an arrangement she offered when my sister went back to work 2 days a week after Easter. As she’s a teacher this meant she didn’t have to arrange nursery until September. My sister then went back 5 days a week from the September and my mum continued to look after my nephew 2 days with him in nursery the other 3.

My mum has very strong views that nursery isn’t right for young children and has always blamed any illness or toddler behaviour on it 🙄. Both my sister and I have pushed back on this (especially when she suggests my sister should stop working), but those views have remained based on nothing but her opinion. When I say to her I think my nephew has a good balance of 2 days with her and 3 in nursery (8.15-4pm) she snaps that’s he’s too young to be in 3 full days Q (he’s 2 next month).

What’s confusing/hurtful is that there’s been no mention of a similar arrangement for my baby. I haven’t asked outright, and she hasn’t offered. What’s hurting me most is the acknowledgement- if my mum can’t offer the same to my baby as she’s committed to my nephews arrangement and can’t see herself doing more, fine, but an acknowledgment of this would go a long way. It also feels like double standards that she rants about the negatives of nursery for my nephew but there has been no mention of this for my baby.

The thing is, my mum is brilliant with my nephew and clearly loves it, but it does tire her out. She often seems irritable afterwards and has been ill more, but won’t acknowledge it’s a lot and insists she wants to do it and takes it personally when I mention how it’s a lot for her especially when I make a joke of a bad mood she may be in after a tough couple of toddler tantrum days.

My sister and her husband accept the help (understandably as it saves them a lot), but also put up with the moods and comments. I am also hurt that they haven’t mentioned the disparity either to me or I don’t think my mum.

My husband says my mum and sister are similar and live more in the moment so may not have even occurred to them that even though it’s a year away arrangements have to be made now and they aren’t thinking about it. I see that but don’t accept this as surely it’s pretty obvious, when I was pregnant but now the baby is here.

I’m reluctant to ask my mum directly because I don’t want any sense of obligation or guilt for either of us. I also see how tiring it is for her and couldn’t bear the guilt knowing it was my baby doing this and it hadn’t just been her choice. But equally I wonder if she assumes I don’t need help because I’m seen as the “capable” one and then I’ve been clear I value nursery for socialisation and that I do want to go back to work.

I think what’s bothering me most is the inconsistency. She was so adamant about nursery negatives with my nephew, yet hasn’t said anything similar to me about my child. And longer term, it feels a bit unfair that my child may be in nursery 4 days a week while my nephew (if this continues) only does 3 who will be 2 years older, plus there’s a significant financial difference for us vs my sister.

I fully appreciate no one owes me childcare, and we’ve made plans we can afford — but I can’t shake the feeling of it being a bit unequal.

AIBU to feel hurt by this, or am I overthinking it?

Thank you for pointing this out!

I was a bit taken aback by the reaction from this poster too.

@OneLovingMoose Is your dad around? Can he do the childcare? What about your FIL?

you said you’ve been clear to your mother that you value nursery for socialisation…. So potentially your mother thinks you would prefer this? Have you ever expressed an opinion that you would value her caring for your baby? How do you really feel about nursery (hypothetical feelings pre baby arriving can be very different to actually leaving baby there - I’ve seen this with myself and so many friends so many your feelings are a bit more complex than you anticipated)?

No good deed goes unpunished indeed.

If your mum is already tired and moody after caring for one, she is unlikely to care for two babies well.
I don’t think it’s even fair to ask really. If you pick different days , her whole week is taken up caring for kids which seems unfair.

I'd be more upset with my sister putting on my mum when it's clearly too much for her. She definitely can't take another baby and I don't think she has to acknowledge that to you. I think it's just circumstances that your sister had her child at a time when your mum had capacity for that arrangement. I know it feels unfair. Similar happened in my family and it's only now I am older I can appreciate this from your mum's perspective. I imagine the time will one when it's too much for her and she will struggle to break the arrangement.

Talk to your mum, but think about her too. Young children take a lot of time/energy.

I don't know how old your mum is but my 62yo friend has her grandkids over night once a week at the same time and sometimes during the day at the weekend. She runs a business so helping during the day is not an option. Maybe your mum could babysit versus help cover nursery?

Also, based on age, your mum may be able to have both kids on the same days as your DN will be 3 soon, he'll be due to go to reception at school soon.

I think this does often happen in families.

We are the second set of grandchildren in my DH's family. BIL's kids were school aged by the time ours were born.

SIL, despite being a SAHM, had both her own mother and my MIL round most days looking after her kids when they were little as it was all apparently too much for her.

When PIL retired they took on the school run twice a week, involving an hour's round trip each way.

When ours were born MIL announced to DH that she had no interest in providing any childcare, and had spent so many hours sitting in playgrounds bored out of her mind that she would never step foot in one again. He was rather taken aback as he hadn't asked her to do so!

Anyway, we are now 13 years down the line and despite all that she actually does have a good relationship with our kids. We've put in a lot of effort in that regard. We take her on holiday most years which has mostly been lovely (and sometimes bloody difficult!). We go to stay with her and she comes to stay here. She likes playing board/card games as does DS13 so they have a good bond, and she and DD10 both enjoy sewing.

The relationship will be what you make it and actually taking out any form of duty/obligation may also remove any element of resentment. It also means you can shut down any criticism because you don't need to keep her on side.

Quite bluntly, yes.

Your sister was facing paying for 7 weeks (May half term and summer holidays) of childcare she didn't need. Your mum had availablity. She offered, it helped your sister, all is good.

Now the circumstances are different. Your mum is doing two days a week every week. She's finding it a bit much, as you say she's tired and moody. But she has built a relationship with her grandson and it is hard to back away from a commitment you offered willingly at the start.

She no longer has capacity or availability, so she hasn't offered.

I'm a grandmother to one baby DGC for whom I will be providing childcare when DD1 goes back to work. DD1 might have other children, and I also have a DD2 who might have children in the future. The only DGC I have offered childcare for is the one that currently exists. I would always want to be fair, but I can only make future decisions when the time to make them comes, as I don't have the information to make the decision till then, and fairness may look different in different circumstances.

HOWEVER, DD1 and I have talked and talked about how this is going to work. The one thing I find most surprising about the OP, as others have said, is the lack of communication. If you trust someone enough for them to potentially care for your child, why would you not have a whole series of conversations with them and everyone involved about what might be possible, even starting once you know there's a baby on the way, if you're a planner? You don't know what your mum feels about it because you haven't asked her, and she doesn't know what you're thinking because she hasn't asked you. My advice would be to talk to each other, repeatedly!

I get why you're upset but I think you're looking at this all wrong.

I dont think your mum isnt mentioning it to you because she doesnt care, I think your mum knows full well if she started banging on about how bad nurseries are that there would be an implied obligation (even if you havent mentioned it) that she needs to step up and help you too.It would basically make HER look bad and a bit of a hypocrite to slag off nursery care and in the same breath refuse to help you.

Basically, I think your mum is feeling knackered and cannot cope with more childcare but she's made an uncomfortable bed for herself with her forceful and judgy views and there is no way she can climb down off her unreasonably high horse without looking like a bit of a twat. Therefore, instead of admitting that, she is simply avoiding it by never mentioning it.

I dont think this is about her not caring about you, I think this is about her own discomfort with her own cognitive dissonance.

You could say to your mum "Ah, we've found such a nice nursery, but now it's getting nearer to the time I'm feeling so sad/scared about leaving my baby! I have everything you've said in my head about it being bad for them and I'm so nervous about it. But I have to go back to work, there's no choice in that. I feel awful..." And see what she says! That might force some kind of acknowledgement or conversation about it.

To be clear, I am fully pro nursery! Mine is full time 5 days a week (age 2) and it's wonderful for her - she has been since 18 months, and was 5 half days a week since 10 months. It's bloody expensive but worth every penny, frankly. But even I found it incredibly hard settling her in to start with so some of these feelings will be true. But you'd be over emphasising those feelings to 'agree' with your mum and see if she actually offers an alternative.

Though to be even more clear, I wouldn't accept even if she offers!! Both for your mum's sake - it is absolutely exhausting one-on-one childcare for a toddler even at my age, I can't even imagine at hers - my mother said flat out she couldn't do regular childcare (not that I asked!) but she does ad hoc babysitting from time to time and like yours she is visibly exhausted by it and can't even do certain things like lifting now she's bigger. But also for your sake - you do not need those constant comments! It would drive you mad and spoil your relationship. Plus you need reliability and a standard of care - you only get that by paying. There is a real security in having a full time, paid, professional, reliable childcare and being totally independent. It's invaluable.

My parents have a wonderful relationship with my daughter still, by just seeing her often. We live close - assume you do too. I take her round most weekends and she adores them.

But you could have a 'vulnerable feelings / I agree with you after all' conversation with your mum just to see what is said back and where it gets you. I understand that acknowledgement of the unfairness (even if the same is not actually wanted) would make it better - just to stop it festering as a feeling.

It's not an imbalance though. Your nephew was the only GC when your mum started caring for him. Caring for a toddler and a baby at the same time is a completely different scenario it's not comparable. She already had the arrangement before you were even pregnant.

Just because your mum believes babies are better with their mums than in nursery settings doesn't mean she should be obligated to become a childminder for every child in the family. It probably makes her feel very sad that her GC can't be cared for at home full time whilst they are so little so offered to help despite the exhaustion cost to herself. Given her views she probably would love to have all the GC. I think it's unfair to consider her availability for childcare at her age a matter of unequal treatment of her GC.

Are you near enough to your mum to offer that she brings your sister’s child to your house once a week during your maternity leave so you can take some of the burden off her by helping with the childcare? Small things exhaust us as gps caring for little ones - getting to the toilet on our own, five minutes out every now and then to have a cuppa, someone younger and fitter doing some of the nappy changes. Mum can hold the baby and get to know them over the year. you can get to know your nephew/niece and have the joy of supporting your mum.

That is if that really is your priority, having her know your child… once she knows your child’s ways she will be able to decide if she is able to help you after you return to work in some way. But she’s the priority really as an older and probably very tired person who needs to feel loved and valued not just for the money she might save you. She can offer your child so much as a family member.

I have helped with childcare over ten years for my gc in two different families - my capabilities are very different now to how they were ten years ago and each family’s needs have been different so I have fitted in accordingly as I can and most importantly, as I have wanted to do so at any given time. Another family is too far away for me to regularly help but I love those gc just as much.

However, I have always, always been made to feel that anything I offer is above and beyond and there are many ongoing checks that this is working for me. I am a gp before I’m a voluntary child care worker and have developed loving relationships with all my gcs regardless of the amount and type of care I may have been able to give at the time it was needed. I would be very hurt to think I was taken for granted to save money and expect my dc to understand life’s stages mean I can’t always do the same for everyone. This doesn’t mean I would love one grandchild less.

I presume your mother is worn out from looking after your nephew. She’s still holds her views but what can she do? She could offer with the first kid but she hasn’t the capacity for a second. If you had had your child first then you would have had an experience more like your sisters

I think you’re deluded, OP. OK, let’s take you at your word for a minute and pretend that this is not about you wanting your mother to do equal childcare for your baby, because otherwise it’s ’unfair’.

Leaving childcare aside, how else exactly would you like your mother to give equal ‘attention’ to your child?

Someone doing childcare for others reluctantly is never great. I’d rather nursery.

Your Mum’s willingness to take on childcare seems to have evaporated, along with her judgement of nursery, at the point she is clearly getting threadbare with the commitment and hard work of it.

Congratulations on your new baby OP.

Look on the flip side: you haven’t had to endure your Mum making free with her views about nursery attendance , telling you to give up work, the child is too young for nursery etc.

Doubtless in 10 months time your Mim will suddenly cop on that you need childcare, had to book a nursery place months ago, and be offended that she wasn’t asked 😉. ( while secretly being relieved)

I can’t help wondering how old she is.

TBH from what you say about her getting irritable, becoming ill more often, it doesn’t sound as if your mum can or should be taking on any more childcare. And maybe the current load has become too much,

Speaking as an older granny who’s done it, I found one full day a week quite enough in my late 60s.

My DC are 4.5 years apart. Entirely possible that one may have kids many years before the other. So if I offer childcare for one, am I obliged to offer the same for the other, even if I am years older and more tired?

My mum was too far away to offer regular childcare but my kids have a great relationship with her.

That's ridiculous. No need for the passive aggressive hinting and indirect manipulation. You can't even be sure she'd get the hint. Just ask if you want her to do some childcare. Straight honest communication. Like normal people.

I had similar, except my DM didn't have strong opinions about nursery. My DB had his DC slightly ahead of me and DM looked after them 2 days a week. She would moan to me that it wore her out but wouldn't say anything to them (SIL is a tricky character). I didn't feel that I could ask her to have mine (I was a SAHM when they were small) so they didn't get the same relationship with her and are still not as close to her as the DNs.

Maybe your mother received the message that you're a fan of nursery and so any offers of help would be seen as criticism of your preferences.

You don't have to be free childcare to be close you your grandchildren. My mum looked after my brother's 2 children for years but not my son. They are all still as close to her despite us not living near them.

Given her concerns about nursery I would think it would be much fairer for her to swap her days with your sister entirely to supporting you! Your sister got the “early years” support and you should too! Any studies about harms of nursery all seem to focus on the harms being more the younger the child is - so you would think she would want to “shield” your baby from this like she did her other grandchild.