AIBU to feel a bit hurt about childcare differences between grandchildren?

[OneLovingMoose]

Ive just had a baby and we’ve already had to confirm nursery. I’ve arranged 4 days a week when I go back (using a mix of annual leave and flexible working for the first 10 months, then we’ll reassess). My husband does contract work so can’t commit a day but will do pick ups/drops off around his contracts. I am very much of the opinion that it’s our responsibility to arrange childcare and whilst I would accept help I am not going to expect this or put this onto others - it’s theirs to offer as it’s a lot!

Here’s where I’m struggling a bit…

My sister had a baby 2 years ago and my mum looks after my nephew 2 days a week, with nursery the other 3. This was an arrangement she offered when my sister went back to work 2 days a week after Easter. As she’s a teacher this meant she didn’t have to arrange nursery until September. My sister then went back 5 days a week from the September and my mum continued to look after my nephew 2 days with him in nursery the other 3.

My mum has very strong views that nursery isn’t right for young children and has always blamed any illness or toddler behaviour on it 🙄. Both my sister and I have pushed back on this (especially when she suggests my sister should stop working), but those views have remained based on nothing but her opinion. When I say to her I think my nephew has a good balance of 2 days with her and 3 in nursery (8.15-4pm) she snaps that’s he’s too young to be in 3 full days Q (he’s 2 next month).

What’s confusing/hurtful is that there’s been no mention of a similar arrangement for my baby. I haven’t asked outright, and she hasn’t offered. What’s hurting me most is the acknowledgement- if my mum can’t offer the same to my baby as she’s committed to my nephews arrangement and can’t see herself doing more, fine, but an acknowledgment of this would go a long way. It also feels like double standards that she rants about the negatives of nursery for my nephew but there has been no mention of this for my baby.

The thing is, my mum is brilliant with my nephew and clearly loves it, but it does tire her out. She often seems irritable afterwards and has been ill more, but won’t acknowledge it’s a lot and insists she wants to do it and takes it personally when I mention how it’s a lot for her especially when I make a joke of a bad mood she may be in after a tough couple of toddler tantrum days.

My sister and her husband accept the help (understandably as it saves them a lot), but also put up with the moods and comments. I am also hurt that they haven’t mentioned the disparity either to me or I don’t think my mum.

My husband says my mum and sister are similar and live more in the moment so may not have even occurred to them that even though it’s a year away arrangements have to be made now and they aren’t thinking about it. I see that but don’t accept this as surely it’s pretty obvious, when I was pregnant but now the baby is here.

I’m reluctant to ask my mum directly because I don’t want any sense of obligation or guilt for either of us. I also see how tiring it is for her and couldn’t bear the guilt knowing it was my baby doing this and it hadn’t just been her choice. But equally I wonder if she assumes I don’t need help because I’m seen as the “capable” one and then I’ve been clear I value nursery for socialisation and that I do want to go back to work.

I think what’s bothering me most is the inconsistency. She was so adamant about nursery negatives with my nephew, yet hasn’t said anything similar to me about my child. And longer term, it feels a bit unfair that my child may be in nursery 4 days a week while my nephew (if this continues) only does 3 who will be 2 years older, plus there’s a significant financial difference for us vs my sister.

I fully appreciate no one owes me childcare, and we’ve made plans we can afford — but I can’t shake the feeling of it being a bit unequal.

AIBU to feel hurt by this, or am I overthinking it?

I think quite often grandparents get excited for the first grandchild, offer loads of childcare then forget there will be others!

Ask your sister if its fair, see what dhe says.

I was expecting to read that your MIL looked after her daughter’s children but not yours which was the case for me. I’m 61 and my DH is 68 and my DD is planning children but I’m thinking will we be fit and well enough to offer any childcare and I have to admit that thought never occurred to me when my DM looked after my DC although that was on an occasional basis as they didn’t live that close to us. I think we assume mothers in particular do not age and just carry on as they did when we were young.

Strained by who?

Who provided childcare for your children? You seem to be overly invested in this thread to the point of rudeness to OP and other posters.

It is perfectly reasonable for OP to feel a bit upset that her mum spontaneously offered regular childcare to her sister due to her very strong views that nurseries aren't suitable for very small children but doesn't seem to feel the same way when OP told her that she was reserving a nursery place for her baby for four days a week.

The current arrangement benefits OP's sister both financially and emotionally as OP's mum will have a much closer relationship and bond with the child that she cares for two days a week. OP is justified in feeling bothered by this.

I’d be interested to know if there is a grandfather who is available in this scenario.
My sister has her first and only grandchild one day a week and shares the care with her DH although she does all the planning and thinking around the day they cover. She does find it hard even with two fit and well people in a huge house and garden with plenty of money for trips out. Her other DD is trying for a baby and she has said that of course she will want to do the same but is relieved that the older one will be in reception soon so it will be manageable.
Agree to wait until it comes up in conversation. I expect your mum is looking forward to the first grandchild getting to 3 and starting to move towards pre school groups.

I don't think your mum has done anything wrong here. It's just unlucky for you that your child was born second rather than first.

Your mum isn't in a position to offer anything when she already has a commitment to your nephew. Also, she is feeling the physical and mental strain of her generous offer!

I think it's better to accept that circumstances have changed. Focus on how you and your baby can spend time with your mum together, rather than your mum providing childcare.

My fil has never cared for a baby in his life despite having 5 and many more gc. So I wouldn’t be asking him to try it for the first time with my baby? And it’s the same for many granddads. I’m sure that my dh will be very hands on with the gc.

I think it's impossible that when subsequent grandchildren come along they will get equal treatment as the first. Just as it happens than when you have your second and subsequent children they don't get the same 1:1 as before. My eldest was the first on the both sides so we benefited from undivided grandparent and childcare. However there's now 3 grandchildren on one side and I've had a second too. If my in-laws were to treat them all the same for all 3 grandchildren then they'd be giving up half their week to do childcare. Also my parents are 4 years older now and less energy and there's no way they would manage a full day childcare for a baby and 4 year old.

If there's multiple grandchildren, 5 or more for example there's no way they can be treated the same. It is hard and I do sympathise but unfortunately when yours isn't the first, it's just the way it is sometimes!

It sounds to me that you will never be happy, OP. Initially you were saying you just wanted your DM to acknowledge the disparity between the care she is able to offer to your DN and your DC - that is fair enough but it clearly won’t be enough for you, because what you actually want - based on your later posts - is to have “your turn” at two days per week childcare, with your nephew’s existing arrangements changed to suit you.

The only way for your DM to make it completely “fair” would be for her to do four days of childcare per week, two for you and two for your nephew - but then will your sister be complaining it’s not fair as your child gets looked after in the school holidays and hers does not? Honestly, I feel for your poor DM as it’s impossible to keep everyone happy without running herself into the ground and having no time for her own friends, hobbies etc.. No good deed goes unpunished and all that…

I think the only thing you can do, as another poster said, would be to talk to your Mum about what a lovely relationship she has with your DN and how can you make sure she gets the chance to build a similar relationship with your child - for example could you arrange to see her regularly at weekends? That may prompt the conversation about weekly childcare and you will at least have an answer rather than being hurt on the basis of assumptions you have made without discussing anything with anyone.

just talk to your mum about it?

I think you really need to be careful here - you and your mum sound very different with her being more live in the moment and you being a planner. She might not do all the things you ask for when looking after your baby. if you ask for childcare and you get it …. and then later want to take it away things could get tricky.

why don’t you ask her if she will do one day a week? Two days might be too much.
Also your mum knows you are a planner you just told her your putting baby in for four days .. she can’t read mines just ask her for help.

You don't need to do fulls day childcare each week to develop bonds with a grandchildren. I had a wonderful, close relationship with my grandmother despite the fact she lived 300 miles away. My in-laws and my parents don't do the same amount of childcare for their subsequent grandchildren, it's more weekend visits etc and everyone is still close.

With my in-laws it was the other way round. My son was first and they couldn’t help as both worked full time fair enough we found a nursery. Two years later dn was born and they decided it was time to drop a day each so they could offer two days to sil, 7 years on dil has had another baby and they still do same.
No major difference in income (sil and bil earn slightly more than us) sill and bil live slightly closer but that’s about it.

Agreed - this influenced why we decided to confirm 4 days and me work 4 days so we aren’t reliant on anyone or their opinions.

I think it’s the double standards that bother me

I understand how you can see this as unfair on the part of your mother OP . From what you say about mum feeling under the weather occasionally I do think that looking after your nephew is getting too much for her but she won’t admit it.

The fact that your sister and BIL are “putting up with mums moods and comments” speaks volumes that they would sooner have a free childminder than a healthy grandmother for their child.

In your situation I would be planning my own childcare away from family involvement - if mums health suffers then it won’t be on you but I sincerely hope your sister and BIL make alternate provision and let your mum be a grandmother not a nursery provider.

And no-one is considering the feelings of the nephew who at 2.5/3 will be old enough to understand that his time with Grandma is being reduced in favour of his new baby cousin (assuming OP gets what she wants), whereas OP’s baby will have no idea. By the time OP’s baby is older, maybe her mum will have more time to offer childcare to OP as DN will be at school and the sister won’t need help any more.

Its not really fair but yes.

I'm an auntie not a grandparent. My brother had a step-child with his ex before they had their own child. They split and brother met a new partner.

That new partner saw everything I carried on doing for the step-child who I still very much loved and considered my first neice/nephew. Honestly, by the time new partner had her own child with my brother, my life was in a different place and I was much less involved. I know new partner resented that but its just the way life worked out.

It is not double standards - your mum does not owe you childcare. You clearly resent your sister and are dressing this up as talk of bonds which cannot be forced.

Maybe your mum and sister have a different realtionship than you do with her. If your bond with your mum the same as your sister?

Agree your nursery days and move on. Your mum is two years older - maybe the thought of caring for a baby is too much. Maybe ask your husbands mum if she could provide childcare instead? Or maybe just organise the nursery and move on. YABU to dwell on this and overthink it.

If you a really want to ensure your child has a bond with your mum you can always plan things together on your day off, at weekends .. Rather than sit and be sad.

Exactly - the adult children in this scenario sound like five year olds themselves, whinging over their sibling getting a bigger slice of cake!

I'm seen as 'the capable one' by my family and friends op and I would also be in the same mindset as you. There are some very sound comments on here filled with logical reasons why this might be for the best, and you've also given lots of reasons that explain it, but nevertheless the unfairness of it and the lack of acknowledgement of that would be very obvious to me. It's okay to be feeling that, even if you don't act on it.

Even when I look people in the eye, ask for help and say I'm not coping they usually shrug it off and then months down the line there will be a comment that they had no idea I was struggling so much. Drives me bananas how people hear/see what they want rather than what you're telling them/thinking logically (ie in this scenario where childcare is often sorted out a year or more before it's required).

Put the hurt to one side. Pay for childcare and be thankful that you wont feel in debt to your mum and can do things 'your' own way. It may be a blessing.

The thing is it can never be fair. What happens if you and your sister go on to have more children. Is your mum expected to offer two days a week 1:1 for years on end to make things fair and equal?

You can still build close relationships without the need for scheduled childcare.

You have been clear that you value nursery and make comments about her being too tired after childcare, I don’t think I would be offering either.

Saying how are we going to arrange childcare now that Grandma has two children is dickish.

@OneLovingMooseyou say the current arrangement of term time only is too much for your mum, you have booked nursery, you are annoyed your sister got one week of emergency help etc but it’s also not fair.

Essentially you want your ‘share’, but you do not work term time and would require a larger commitment than the one you claim to be concerned about that already exhausts your mother.

it is not a level playing field and your mother can’t be expected to do this endlessly. What if you go on to have more children in 5-10 years, would it be expected then too as your mother ages?

Good grandparents can have wonderful relationships without offering 1000 hours a year childcare.