AIBU to feel a bit hurt about childcare differences between grandchildren?

[OneLovingMoose]

Ive just had a baby and we’ve already had to confirm nursery. I’ve arranged 4 days a week when I go back (using a mix of annual leave and flexible working for the first 10 months, then we’ll reassess). My husband does contract work so can’t commit a day but will do pick ups/drops off around his contracts. I am very much of the opinion that it’s our responsibility to arrange childcare and whilst I would accept help I am not going to expect this or put this onto others - it’s theirs to offer as it’s a lot!

Here’s where I’m struggling a bit…

My sister had a baby 2 years ago and my mum looks after my nephew 2 days a week, with nursery the other 3. This was an arrangement she offered when my sister went back to work 2 days a week after Easter. As she’s a teacher this meant she didn’t have to arrange nursery until September. My sister then went back 5 days a week from the September and my mum continued to look after my nephew 2 days with him in nursery the other 3.

My mum has very strong views that nursery isn’t right for young children and has always blamed any illness or toddler behaviour on it 🙄. Both my sister and I have pushed back on this (especially when she suggests my sister should stop working), but those views have remained based on nothing but her opinion. When I say to her I think my nephew has a good balance of 2 days with her and 3 in nursery (8.15-4pm) she snaps that’s he’s too young to be in 3 full days Q (he’s 2 next month).

What’s confusing/hurtful is that there’s been no mention of a similar arrangement for my baby. I haven’t asked outright, and she hasn’t offered. What’s hurting me most is the acknowledgement- if my mum can’t offer the same to my baby as she’s committed to my nephews arrangement and can’t see herself doing more, fine, but an acknowledgment of this would go a long way. It also feels like double standards that she rants about the negatives of nursery for my nephew but there has been no mention of this for my baby.

The thing is, my mum is brilliant with my nephew and clearly loves it, but it does tire her out. She often seems irritable afterwards and has been ill more, but won’t acknowledge it’s a lot and insists she wants to do it and takes it personally when I mention how it’s a lot for her especially when I make a joke of a bad mood she may be in after a tough couple of toddler tantrum days.

My sister and her husband accept the help (understandably as it saves them a lot), but also put up with the moods and comments. I am also hurt that they haven’t mentioned the disparity either to me or I don’t think my mum.

My husband says my mum and sister are similar and live more in the moment so may not have even occurred to them that even though it’s a year away arrangements have to be made now and they aren’t thinking about it. I see that but don’t accept this as surely it’s pretty obvious, when I was pregnant but now the baby is here.

I’m reluctant to ask my mum directly because I don’t want any sense of obligation or guilt for either of us. I also see how tiring it is for her and couldn’t bear the guilt knowing it was my baby doing this and it hadn’t just been her choice. But equally I wonder if she assumes I don’t need help because I’m seen as the “capable” one and then I’ve been clear I value nursery for socialisation and that I do want to go back to work.

I think what’s bothering me most is the inconsistency. She was so adamant about nursery negatives with my nephew, yet hasn’t said anything similar to me about my child. And longer term, it feels a bit unfair that my child may be in nursery 4 days a week while my nephew (if this continues) only does 3 who will be 2 years older, plus there’s a significant financial difference for us vs my sister.

I fully appreciate no one owes me childcare, and we’ve made plans we can afford — but I can’t shake the feeling of it being a bit unequal.

AIBU to feel hurt by this, or am I overthinking it?

Right. OP clearly does want her mother to change the existing arrangment to work around her. She should at least be honest with herself about this.

Her mother does not sound like she has the capacity for this extra unpaid labour, and the OP knows it.

My parents offered regular childcare for the first grandchildren (twins - born to my eldest brother), and this was way back in the early-mid 80s so it's nothing new. After that she was to knackered and fed up to offer any regular childcare to my DD and the children of my other brothers who came along later.

It sucks but we couldn't expect her to look after another five grandchildren for over a decade (taking into account age gaps). First in first served basically sums it up. Fwiw my mother had a very close relationship with all her grandchildren.

Right. In all this talk of "fairness" nobody seems to care about what is fair to the elderly woman whose free time is being carved up in chunks by their family and who is to provide unpaid labour to suit them so they feel it's "fair".

What's fair is the grandmother does as she pleases with her own time, and if that means not offering free labour to the OP, so be it.

And yes, it just happened organically. Such is life.

GP = grandparents, in this context. Are you quite ok?

Actually, I think that’s precisely what she should do - at least give up one day with the toddler (first born GC) to spend one day with OP’s baby, both so that OP and her sister can have something akin to fairness (though not quite) and so, as OP says, her mum can develop a natural, close and loving relationship with her second grandchild. Whoever thinks “I got there first, screw the rest of you” has a very strange approach to family.

Nobody is saying that OPs mother should do anything she doesn’t want to. If she is tired from this she quits completely.
However, nobody should treat their children differently. OP’s mother should try and spend a similar amount of time with all her grandchildren.
If you have £100k to help your children with house deposits, you don’t give it all to the first child. You divide it between your children.

There’s a difference.. I would like her to spend some time with my child similar to my nephew as I see the bond they’ve created. I just don’t know what that could look like as it can’t be sustainable to replicate what she does with my nephew. I don’t resent it, I’m trying to navigate that now there are to DGC in the picture.

As others have pointed out maybe she can’t take on/doesnt want to take on more so I don’t want to ask and put on her. Instead having her open to more planned ad hoc days may work better if she agrees. I would like her to have a relationship with my child.

I simply pointed out my sister relied on my mum for a whole week or childcare (emergency and planned) which I found unreasonable.

You have just given birth. Chill out a bit.

so is it a case of first come first served?

But you don’t want her to offer so she can spend time with your baby. You want her to offer so you enjoy the same arrangement as your sister as you do appear (with the BIL comment) to resent what she does for them.

When you say “the thought process everyone would have” - everyone is different. My parents were put off committing to regular childcare because they had seen friends suffer from it. TBH I wasn’t super happy originally because of the financial side - but in reality ad hoc (nursery illness, us doing childfree things) is way more helpful to us. There’s no keeping score of who gets the most, GP have great relationships with the GC despite how often they see them and no one feels aggrieved or trapped.

And also - once I was a bit further down the line with you in terms of my baby’s age, I realised how hard looking after a baby was! If your DM did offer, would you be happy with term time only? That arrangement means your DM gets substantial breaks from 2 days per week childcare - but if you aren’t a teacher you will have to cover that with a lot of annual leave.

What's fair is the grandmother does as she pleases with her own time, and if that means not offering free labour to the OP, so be it.

That's my plan! Obviously I will always do whatever I can in an emergency but I won't be committing to regular childcare. My children are in agreement with this,

Are you pretending to be thick or just naturally a bit thick? As you are aware we are talking about women being instructed on what they should do with their free time. Trot on.

And if they did not mean GP then, since it is an absolutely standard assumption that GP means doctor the ridiculous attempt at snark "Are you ok?" nonsensical response was absolutely unnecessary. A simple, I think they mean grandparents not doctors would have been fine.

Hope this helps (actually I don't care if it helps, off you trot).

Absolutely you should be fair in the deposit scenario, but how do you know both your children will definitely both reproduce? Trouble is the GM is now trapped in what she offered when only her younger child had had a baby

This is a response i think resonates with me the most - thank you.

I still think like you bringing it up would put more guilt on her and it should come from her as objectively I don’t think she can do more. I I think you’re right thinking of other ways for them to have a relationship is best way forward.

thats good to know they still had a good relationship. I do see that it can’t be sustainable and isnt a given - it’s the unfairness that grates on me as they are only 2 years apart.

Well I think most parents will know if their children want to be parents but any arrangement you make with one child regarding your grandchildren can always be changed when you have other grandchildren.
I think OP has now found the post that resonates with her feelings.

Also, everyone has an absolute right to treat grandchildren, children and every other human in the world differently. We're not eggs in a box, interchangeably the same. A child with high needs cannot be safely looked after by most elderly people, a daughter who has treated her mother appallingly by stealing from her and smashing up her furniture obviously won't be in the running for lots of time and attention.

This ridiculous idea that women are to have no needs, beliefs, feelings, wants, preferences or desires of their own but to be a never ending font of free labour, time and attention and some sort of earth mother guru who is never allowed to be just a human being just needs to get in the bin.

OPs mother is entitled, ethically and factually, to do whatever she likes with her own time and OP will either accept that in an adult fashion or accept it and choose to be petulant about it - those are her choices.

Fwiw I do think this is why grandparents shouldn't commit to offering regular childcare to the first grandchild (unless it's pretty much a guarantee there will be only one grandchild) as it avoids this type of situation arising.

This was the thing I was picking up the most it just seemed like grandmothers are expected to provide free child care regardless It makes me think that so many don't even see us as people at all and then the idea of ringing sick little kids around grandparents in their late '60s and 70s like grandparents want to catch every single bug or flu that goes around. I don't know where this entitled expectation of free labor from women for decades that they have no right to their own life and time other than caretaking others. The grandmother and this situation is late '60s running around after a toddler is exhausting I understand why she wouldn't want to look after a toddler and an infant at the same time

What would also avoid this situation arising would be the adult children involved not seeing their parents as a child are resource they’re owed an equally big slice of.

It would be batshit to suggest grandparents not offer any childcare at all to the first grandchild in case the parents of subsequent grandchildren get all bent out of shape about it Not Being Fair.

I hope you don't mind me saying too, if you see your mum continue to struggle with your nephew or get more grumpy, I would perhaps try and get your sister to pull back on the day care too. Prob easier said than done though but you and your sis have a responsibility to make sure the care isn't too much too, work as a family unit.
Instead, have lovely days together that you all enjoy doing together. Picnics, take the children to feed the ducks, games, all nice memories and bonds will be created with their grandma 100%. Plus, am pretty sure your mum will be up for babysitting now and then if not shattered so you can go out! Bonus :-)

Yeah. It will make the OP feel better if her sister’s not getting any childcare either.

Do things for the right reasons...

Next we'll hear about the imaginary scenario where all grans everywhere were childcare providers and this has always been the expectation.

Except, no. My grandparents (grew up in the late 70s and 80s, from working class) never ever babysat my younger brother and I. With my older brother they did look after him a bit. If I had to guess I'd say it was too much for them and that's why they didn't offer with us - but it was never actually a conversation, I have never heard these demands outside mumsnet to be honest.

We went to visit them every second Sunday and my grandad would sometimes walk me to school when I was really young. That was the standard, nobody was looking after their grandchildren full time, or even part time regularly, except my friend whose mother died when she was 5, and whose gran took over the mothering role because of that. She died of a stroke in her mid 60s, poor woman, run ragged. Not my friend's fault of course, just unhappy circumstances, but running around looking after your grandchildren when you've already raised your children will have sent many women to an early grave.

My mum would never have had the entitlement to expect other women to use their free time for free labour for her own kids. Nor did I. It seems to be an middle class mindset on mumsnet, and I wish it would just stop.

Women's labour, time and attention are not for others to give away.

Is your sister's partner less "helpful" (at least in your mum's eyes) than yours? Are his parents unavailable for childcare (either live far way or some other reason)?
She might feel your partner's parents should be volunteering for childcare, rather than the maternal grandmother doing everything.
You'll only know if you speak to her. I get you don't want her to feel pressured, but if this is going to eat you up inside, it is surely better to talk, at least to understand her reasons?