AIBU to feel a bit hurt about childcare differences between grandchildren?

[OneLovingMoose]

Ive just had a baby and we’ve already had to confirm nursery. I’ve arranged 4 days a week when I go back (using a mix of annual leave and flexible working for the first 10 months, then we’ll reassess). My husband does contract work so can’t commit a day but will do pick ups/drops off around his contracts. I am very much of the opinion that it’s our responsibility to arrange childcare and whilst I would accept help I am not going to expect this or put this onto others - it’s theirs to offer as it’s a lot!

Here’s where I’m struggling a bit…

My sister had a baby 2 years ago and my mum looks after my nephew 2 days a week, with nursery the other 3. This was an arrangement she offered when my sister went back to work 2 days a week after Easter. As she’s a teacher this meant she didn’t have to arrange nursery until September. My sister then went back 5 days a week from the September and my mum continued to look after my nephew 2 days with him in nursery the other 3.

My mum has very strong views that nursery isn’t right for young children and has always blamed any illness or toddler behaviour on it 🙄. Both my sister and I have pushed back on this (especially when she suggests my sister should stop working), but those views have remained based on nothing but her opinion. When I say to her I think my nephew has a good balance of 2 days with her and 3 in nursery (8.15-4pm) she snaps that’s he’s too young to be in 3 full days Q (he’s 2 next month).

What’s confusing/hurtful is that there’s been no mention of a similar arrangement for my baby. I haven’t asked outright, and she hasn’t offered. What’s hurting me most is the acknowledgement- if my mum can’t offer the same to my baby as she’s committed to my nephews arrangement and can’t see herself doing more, fine, but an acknowledgment of this would go a long way. It also feels like double standards that she rants about the negatives of nursery for my nephew but there has been no mention of this for my baby.

The thing is, my mum is brilliant with my nephew and clearly loves it, but it does tire her out. She often seems irritable afterwards and has been ill more, but won’t acknowledge it’s a lot and insists she wants to do it and takes it personally when I mention how it’s a lot for her especially when I make a joke of a bad mood she may be in after a tough couple of toddler tantrum days.

My sister and her husband accept the help (understandably as it saves them a lot), but also put up with the moods and comments. I am also hurt that they haven’t mentioned the disparity either to me or I don’t think my mum.

My husband says my mum and sister are similar and live more in the moment so may not have even occurred to them that even though it’s a year away arrangements have to be made now and they aren’t thinking about it. I see that but don’t accept this as surely it’s pretty obvious, when I was pregnant but now the baby is here.

I’m reluctant to ask my mum directly because I don’t want any sense of obligation or guilt for either of us. I also see how tiring it is for her and couldn’t bear the guilt knowing it was my baby doing this and it hadn’t just been her choice. But equally I wonder if she assumes I don’t need help because I’m seen as the “capable” one and then I’ve been clear I value nursery for socialisation and that I do want to go back to work.

I think what’s bothering me most is the inconsistency. She was so adamant about nursery negatives with my nephew, yet hasn’t said anything similar to me about my child. And longer term, it feels a bit unfair that my child may be in nursery 4 days a week while my nephew (if this continues) only does 3 who will be 2 years older, plus there’s a significant financial difference for us vs my sister.

I fully appreciate no one owes me childcare, and we’ve made plans we can afford — but I can’t shake the feeling of it being a bit unequal.

AIBU to feel hurt by this, or am I overthinking it?

Don’t be surprised that GP take different views towards childcare once they’ve gone through it with the first GC.

I had similar albeit with much bigger age gap. My parents did 100% childcare for my nephew allowing my sister to continue to work FT. I was offered nothing and as a result we took a 50k pa hit on household income. My parents still offer way more support to my nephew who is now on his 20’s than they do to my 5 year old.

PIL situation is even more stark. They also gave 100% childcare to their only other GC and he ended up pretty much living with them and still does at the age of 20. They have never offered us a single hour of childcare.

The reason they both give is that they feel they’ve done their bit already and don’t want to go through it all again. That is of course their choice but it has created a very strained extended family dynamic.

Reading between the lines I’d say that she can’t cope with any extra childcare duties so she hasn’t raised the subject in the hope that you won’t bring it up. But that doesn’t mean you’re wrong for feeling how you do, or indeed that she’s wrong for upholding her commitments to your sister.

You don't even know if she can't give the same to your child! I'm sorry OP, you're coming across as wanting to feel hurt over a situation the doesn't exist and you don't want to take actions to resolve.

I think YABU sorry. Your mum offered childcare to first dgc but can't be expected to roll out childcare in equal amounts for each subsequent grand child. She has a relationship with your DN. Has raised him from a baby. Is probably looking forward to some of the benefits of looking after a slightly older child. Can take him on the swings and feed the ducks. A baby is back to square one: drudgery, nappies, naps, crying.

Maybe when your DN goes to school and your baby is older she might be glad to have them more.

Grandparents often favour first grandchild. It's not fair but it happens.

I'd just get on with it and stop trying to get exactly equal treatment out of your parents.

Exactly. The OP’s mother doesn’t want a FT childcare job. Her sister had a baby first, therefore got the childcare availability her mother was prepared to offer. I’m sure no one thinks she should ditch the toddler in favour of the OP’s baby.

Maybe not - but would be nice to have the same offer my sister got so they could build a relationship.

Your mum sounds exhausted and probably feeling very bad that she can’t cope with looking after one child never mind two. I think your sister should be relieving her but it’s all take - your poor mother!

Do you really think that your mum could do four days a week childcare every week?

To be fair if they had grandchildren 20 years ago, they must be quite old now. It makes a huge difference. My DM was in her 40s when she helped out with mine. My divorced DB has his autistic DS every weekend but my DM looks after him because DB works weekends. She’s in her mid 70s now and it’s killing her.

I don’t expect her to take on 4 days - I want her to want to spend time with her new grandchild in a similar way or acknowledge if she can’t there will be a disparity.

It makes me sad that her second grandchild won’t be afforded the same time with their grandmother. My nephew could increase his days to free her up (he will be 3) but financially this would be worse for my sister.

But exactly how are you expecting her to do that —give up a total of four days a week to childcare of a newborn and a toddler, just so you don’t feel shortchanged?

All these childcare threads have made ke resolve to offer regular childcare to neither of my kids. That way, nobody will be pissed off, I hope.

It's OK to feel hurt that no one has thought about you and your baby yet.

There is a current set up which your sister and mum are used to.

You need to proactively have the conversation

I think it would help you to spell out to yourself just how unreasonable you’re being. ‘Hi Mum, are you going to give up a total of four days a week to looking after very small children? Or, if you can’t do that, you should drop childcare for my nephew so he’s not getting extra attention from you.’

YABU - Grow a back bone and ask.

I think you're only being unreasonable by not having this conversation with her. Yes she might not be obliged to give childcare, but I think as a parent you should be fair - so by giving one of her daughters help and not the other would come across as a bit one sided. Even if it meant having to negotiate by having one grandchild one day and the other the other day so she isn't giving up any more days if she doesn't wish to do so.

It was nearer her return to work date (3 months) with my sister saying it was a waste of paying nursery for a term only when she would be off for summer.
This promoted my mums offer. Maybe my mum hasnt considered something a year away.

M my mum offered to have my nephew 2 days a week when my sister only worked 2 days. This became a permanent arrangement when my sister went uo to 5 days.

Interesting and yes I think there is a lot about timing of first grandkids. It’s just sad they will have different relationships/benefit differently.

So you are more than three months away from returning to work?

I really think that your mum just won't want to suggest you start thinking about going back to work yet, as it's so far in the future.

You need to ask her

It's great of your mum to offer any regular child care. I certainly won't be able to commit to regular childminding when gc no 1 appears later this year. Maybe your mum finds it easier to offer term time support only?

Is she quite a young grandma? I won't be particularly and still have a few work commitments, plus I have a lot of living to catch up on.

i think you’re right - doing it as hoc as you aren’t then tied in and you don’t have the the imbalance.

i think you’re right - doing it as hoc as you aren’t then tied in and you don’t have the the imbalance.

There's your answer then. It's a year away. Of course she's not planning her life that far in advance! YBVU.

Yes maybe I am. I am reluctant to ask and put my mum in a difficult position about then feeling obliged to take more on or having to drop a day with my nephew.

ive planned the childcare without her - I think it’s the offer of wanting to spend the same time with my baby or acknowledging that she does do a lot for my nephew and so sorry but can’t offer the same to me.

Yes term time support might be easier as she gets ‘holidays’. She isn’t particularly young (late 60s) but is fit - runs and keeps active.