AIBU to feel a bit hurt about childcare differences between grandchildren?

[OneLovingMoose]

Ive just had a baby and we’ve already had to confirm nursery. I’ve arranged 4 days a week when I go back (using a mix of annual leave and flexible working for the first 10 months, then we’ll reassess). My husband does contract work so can’t commit a day but will do pick ups/drops off around his contracts. I am very much of the opinion that it’s our responsibility to arrange childcare and whilst I would accept help I am not going to expect this or put this onto others - it’s theirs to offer as it’s a lot!

Here’s where I’m struggling a bit…

My sister had a baby 2 years ago and my mum looks after my nephew 2 days a week, with nursery the other 3. This was an arrangement she offered when my sister went back to work 2 days a week after Easter. As she’s a teacher this meant she didn’t have to arrange nursery until September. My sister then went back 5 days a week from the September and my mum continued to look after my nephew 2 days with him in nursery the other 3.

My mum has very strong views that nursery isn’t right for young children and has always blamed any illness or toddler behaviour on it 🙄. Both my sister and I have pushed back on this (especially when she suggests my sister should stop working), but those views have remained based on nothing but her opinion. When I say to her I think my nephew has a good balance of 2 days with her and 3 in nursery (8.15-4pm) she snaps that’s he’s too young to be in 3 full days Q (he’s 2 next month).

What’s confusing/hurtful is that there’s been no mention of a similar arrangement for my baby. I haven’t asked outright, and she hasn’t offered. What’s hurting me most is the acknowledgement- if my mum can’t offer the same to my baby as she’s committed to my nephews arrangement and can’t see herself doing more, fine, but an acknowledgment of this would go a long way. It also feels like double standards that she rants about the negatives of nursery for my nephew but there has been no mention of this for my baby.

The thing is, my mum is brilliant with my nephew and clearly loves it, but it does tire her out. She often seems irritable afterwards and has been ill more, but won’t acknowledge it’s a lot and insists she wants to do it and takes it personally when I mention how it’s a lot for her especially when I make a joke of a bad mood she may be in after a tough couple of toddler tantrum days.

My sister and her husband accept the help (understandably as it saves them a lot), but also put up with the moods and comments. I am also hurt that they haven’t mentioned the disparity either to me or I don’t think my mum.

My husband says my mum and sister are similar and live more in the moment so may not have even occurred to them that even though it’s a year away arrangements have to be made now and they aren’t thinking about it. I see that but don’t accept this as surely it’s pretty obvious, when I was pregnant but now the baby is here.

I’m reluctant to ask my mum directly because I don’t want any sense of obligation or guilt for either of us. I also see how tiring it is for her and couldn’t bear the guilt knowing it was my baby doing this and it hadn’t just been her choice. But equally I wonder if she assumes I don’t need help because I’m seen as the “capable” one and then I’ve been clear I value nursery for socialisation and that I do want to go back to work.

I think what’s bothering me most is the inconsistency. She was so adamant about nursery negatives with my nephew, yet hasn’t said anything similar to me about my child. And longer term, it feels a bit unfair that my child may be in nursery 4 days a week while my nephew (if this continues) only does 3 who will be 2 years older, plus there’s a significant financial difference for us vs my sister.

I fully appreciate no one owes me childcare, and we’ve made plans we can afford — but I can’t shake the feeling of it being a bit unequal.

AIBU to feel hurt by this, or am I overthinking it?

My daughters are not indebted to me - they owe me nothing. They both have two days of childcare a week. (I did 5 days for a couple of years until one daughter reduced her days.) I was asked to look after my first grandchild and I offered to look after subsequent grandchildren because I wanted to be fair to my daughters. I was very aware that I wanted to be fair. So I think your mother and your sister will be aware of your situation.

The time that I've spent childminding my grandchildren (since 2016) has flown. My youngest DGC are now three and won't start reception until they are 5. I feel privileged to have looked after them and have close relationships with them. I know it doesn't last - I have accepted that.

I'm very lucky to be in a position to be able to do this. I get tired - but it's not a draining tiredness.

I think you should address the elephant in the room - because you all know it's there.

I feel a bit like this sometimes - my mum lives with my sister’s family and as a result is effectively live-in childcare for them. I got annoyed about the disparity once and my sister said, “yeah, but who’ll end up looking after her when she’s old and lost her marbles?” So I guess it’ll even out eventually.

Well, I think if it knackers your mum out then you already have the answer. She perhaps can't take on another baby, despite your mums opinions on nursery care. I wouldn't think of it as rejection or favouring your sister over you, just happened to be your sister who had a baby first and your mum too tired to look after 2, be it same days or alternative days, meaning your mum will pretty much have a full time job looking after grandchildren. I wouldn't say anything unless your mum brings up the subject, she may be well aware and feeling, perhaps guilty or afraid she will be railroaded. If you're worried about closeness with your baby and grandma, there's nothing stopping you for going around with your baby when not working for a visit.

Sometimes parents do not need to treat their children equally in everything the do for their kids. I wonder if there's some things your mum does for you that she doesn't do for your sis?

i think the latter option is probably a good solution for me so she can be on hand for emergencies or planned things to spend time with him.

Although my sister still does ask my mum to be their emergency childcare. There was one week my nephew was ill and the nursery called to have him collected - my sisters a teacher so can’t answer her phone but my BIL called my mum who ended up looking after my nephew the full week (the 3 days he should have been in nursery and her regular 2 days). I thought that very unreasonable and said so to my sister.

If your nephew is already two surely he will be eligible for some free childcare by the time you go back to work. This might free up mum to look after your child. It’s clear she finds looking after a toddler exhausting so she may want to only have one at a time. Lots can change in a year and it’s too soon to make definite plans. Just enjoy your baby and stop worrying. Also get mum involved as much as she is able with your little one.
Babies are exhausting and however much older people might want to help, they don’t always have the energy.

You're not entitled to other women's work, care, attention or time - even your mother's. A lot of mumsnetters really need to accept, process and internalise that reality.

Ask her if you want her to help, don't act out if she says no.

She doesn't actually owe you any sort of explanation at all, of course, but you could politely ask her if she does say no.

Alternatively you could be grateful for a healthy baby, the money and ability to get nursery care, a job, and all the other great things in your life and leave your poor mother in peace.

Your mother is a human being in her own right with all her own choices to make, likes, dislikes and things to weigh up.

Maybe she prefers your sister. Maybe that's not "fair" from your point of view. So what? You can't mould other people - even your own mother - into whatever you would prefer to work for you.

As for her comments about nursery school, you won't have to put up with that if you're not getting unpaid labour from her, you can just say "It works for us" in a bland voice on a repeating loop till she shuts up about it.

It used to be a tenet of life, that you can't change how other people behave the only thing you can do is change your reaction to it. Work on that.

It's difficult. My mum looked after my nephews a day a week before my DD was born. Now she does a day a week for my DD too, often more because we live 5 mins away. I have other siblings who don't have children (yet), I don't think she would be able to offer another day if they did have children, so I am not sure how that would shake out...but I think we do have to accept that people have limits and maybe your mother has reached hers with DN. You could approach it by saying you would like her to be as close to her as your nephew is, and whether she would like regular time together rather than asking for childcare.

OP, I don’t think you are being unreasonable and I don’t think this is too soon.
We are GPs and have been doing childcare for years. When we made the offer of childcare to one child it was assumed by both us and our children that it would be the same for both children. We only did one day a week for each child plus extras if the grandchildren were sick etc but our grandchildren’s other grandparents also did the same. Now it is mostly school pick ups and holidays.
We first discussed this just before our first grandchild was born.
OP, I think you need to talk to your mother and ask her if she is going to do any childcare for you. Really if she can only spare 2 days a week then that should be one for you and one for your sister. I can’t stand people who have favourite children and grandchildren.

And yet its never suggested that men do it.

You've probably defended nursery so much, she doesn't think you want her to look after your child.
I would have an honest conversation, and tell her you would love her to look after your child, and for her to build that bond (I definitely wouldn't talk about the money side), but that you are worried it's too much for her and don't want to impose.
Then see what she says.
It might be that she thinks it will be too much, but now has got attached to your sister's child and doesn't want to see him any less. But maybe not. Maybe she hasn't mentioned it to you as was concerned you would knock her back. And most probably, she just hasn't thought that far ahead.

Exactly, esp when the OP said it really tires her mum out just with one.

I can't stand people who try to steal women's time, attention and hard work for free. The OP is entitled to no free labour from her mother. None at all.

What you prefer doesn't matter either. You're not the OP's mother.

And nobody (and I do mean nobody) cares if you are a GP 😆 This information is absolutely irrelevant except to make you sound pompous and self important inserting that into a conversation where it doesn't matter (at all).

Sorry OP I think there is some underlying jealousy with the arrangement your (younger) sister has (which seemed to happen organically so your sister wasn’t locked into two months of nursery she didn’t need) but this is being framed as worrying about the baby’s relationship with his GM. Yes your nephew has had a head start as he is older (and the first GC) - but how do you propose addressing that in reality? A ban on DM spending time with the nephew until DM has spent an equal number of days with both GC?

From what you have said your poor DM has likely bitten off more than she can chew already but can’t back down because she has been so vocal about nursery. She is probably not thinking so far in the future and if she is will be nervous about either doing 4 full days childcare so it is “fair” or having two children at once, one very young when the nephew is getting easier and more rewarding. Your sister will be happy with her current situation and not want to change it especially as she has the benefit of being able to have her child instead of your mom in the long teacher holidays. That said who knows what will happen in six months time?

Your baby is presumably very young. Your hormones are flying all over the place and I think you are worrying unnecessarily. Your DM will be able to build a great relationship with the baby without doing 2 days a week childcare (in a years time) even if it might not be “the same” because of circumstances. Perhaps you can carve out some special things they do together eg swimming or a particular class etc?

This is not true. My husband shares the load with me when we do childcare.

The first grandchild is often favoured. I have seen it happen over and over again. Blatantly in many cases e.g a grandparent slipping the eldest twenty pounds every week and the the other grandchildren get nothing. Or (in my case), the grandparents finding my eldest child super interesting in an almost anthropological way and my second child is ignored.

You sound quite pro nursery and your mother may well think she isn't required or she may be too tired to take on subsequent children or she may not even have thought about it yet. She may be hoping she can babysit once a week for you instead. Looking after two small children is a lot for anyone and having grandchildren on alternative days means she is doing childcare full time which isn't fair on her. Neither can she be expected to stop an existing arrangment with one child because other grandchildren came along. I expect she is really looking forward to your nephew starting preschool leaving her only the afternoons to care for him.

Nobody on this thread has suggested the grandfather should step up, that I have seen.

That your husband "shares the load" does not negate the reality that men are almost never in the equation, only the poor bloody grandmothers.

Stop going on about ‘ women’s time’. I do this with my husband. We both love our grandchildren.
Some people have equal relationships.

This is the thought process that I would have thought everyone would have!

You sound wonderful that you both actively consider how you treat your children fairly and recognise the help you are providing as seeing your GC grow up as a help and a privilege.

There is an elephant in the room but I don’t want to ask outright and feel I’d forced my mum into something that would be unsustainable for her and see my mum struggle as she wouldn’t drop a day with my newphew I’m sure of that.

I want her to offer as she wants to spend time with her grandchild and we could figure out how to make it work.

See if you can find a thread on here where a grandfather is moaned at for not doing childcare Im happy to wait

Yet you would like her to offer to look after your child.
You sound like you really resent your mum looking after your nephew OP.

You are not coming across very well.

Stop going on about your husband. Nobody cares.

It's not your place to instruct other people how to feel and you have zero idea of the relationship in reality. Stop projecting and stop inserting yourself into the scenario. You're not the OP and you're not her mother.

I really despise people who try to steal women's time, attention and free labour.

Why would she offer when you tell her the care of your nephew is too much for her and makes her moody? Id expect you to turn down an offer if I was in her situation so I'd save myself the rejection and not bother. You need to either ask her or forget about it and move on.

Being the Grandmother in this. When my DD had our first GC we very quickly offered regular childcare . 4 years later when she started school although we missed her we were relieved to not have to do such regimented hours -
it was far more tiring and restrictive than we anticipated and in your DM shoes I’d be really worried about having to do it all again for the next 4 years !
Maybe she’s hoping that you won’t ask so she can have her life back ? I suspect if she really wanted to take that workload on again she’d have said something by now.

Why do you want her to offer when you know just one grandchild is getting to be too much for your mum? I honestly don't understand.

Oh stop OP. You want her to break an existing arrangement because it doesn't suit you yet before you had your own baby, you were vocal about it not being 'fair' on your mother.

Now you are changing the narrative about it being quality bonding time between grandparent and grandchild.

If you and your sister both have another child each, is your mother supposed to raise four children.

There is more to this than childcare. There is an obvious resentment towards your sister in your posts. Work on that.