AIBU to feel a bit hurt about childcare differences between grandchildren?

[OneLovingMoose]

Ive just had a baby and we’ve already had to confirm nursery. I’ve arranged 4 days a week when I go back (using a mix of annual leave and flexible working for the first 10 months, then we’ll reassess). My husband does contract work so can’t commit a day but will do pick ups/drops off around his contracts. I am very much of the opinion that it’s our responsibility to arrange childcare and whilst I would accept help I am not going to expect this or put this onto others - it’s theirs to offer as it’s a lot!

Here’s where I’m struggling a bit…

My sister had a baby 2 years ago and my mum looks after my nephew 2 days a week, with nursery the other 3. This was an arrangement she offered when my sister went back to work 2 days a week after Easter. As she’s a teacher this meant she didn’t have to arrange nursery until September. My sister then went back 5 days a week from the September and my mum continued to look after my nephew 2 days with him in nursery the other 3.

My mum has very strong views that nursery isn’t right for young children and has always blamed any illness or toddler behaviour on it 🙄. Both my sister and I have pushed back on this (especially when she suggests my sister should stop working), but those views have remained based on nothing but her opinion. When I say to her I think my nephew has a good balance of 2 days with her and 3 in nursery (8.15-4pm) she snaps that’s he’s too young to be in 3 full days Q (he’s 2 next month).

What’s confusing/hurtful is that there’s been no mention of a similar arrangement for my baby. I haven’t asked outright, and she hasn’t offered. What’s hurting me most is the acknowledgement- if my mum can’t offer the same to my baby as she’s committed to my nephews arrangement and can’t see herself doing more, fine, but an acknowledgment of this would go a long way. It also feels like double standards that she rants about the negatives of nursery for my nephew but there has been no mention of this for my baby.

The thing is, my mum is brilliant with my nephew and clearly loves it, but it does tire her out. She often seems irritable afterwards and has been ill more, but won’t acknowledge it’s a lot and insists she wants to do it and takes it personally when I mention how it’s a lot for her especially when I make a joke of a bad mood she may be in after a tough couple of toddler tantrum days.

My sister and her husband accept the help (understandably as it saves them a lot), but also put up with the moods and comments. I am also hurt that they haven’t mentioned the disparity either to me or I don’t think my mum.

My husband says my mum and sister are similar and live more in the moment so may not have even occurred to them that even though it’s a year away arrangements have to be made now and they aren’t thinking about it. I see that but don’t accept this as surely it’s pretty obvious, when I was pregnant but now the baby is here.

I’m reluctant to ask my mum directly because I don’t want any sense of obligation or guilt for either of us. I also see how tiring it is for her and couldn’t bear the guilt knowing it was my baby doing this and it hadn’t just been her choice. But equally I wonder if she assumes I don’t need help because I’m seen as the “capable” one and then I’ve been clear I value nursery for socialisation and that I do want to go back to work.

I think what’s bothering me most is the inconsistency. She was so adamant about nursery negatives with my nephew, yet hasn’t said anything similar to me about my child. And longer term, it feels a bit unfair that my child may be in nursery 4 days a week while my nephew (if this continues) only does 3 who will be 2 years older, plus there’s a significant financial difference for us vs my sister.

I fully appreciate no one owes me childcare, and we’ve made plans we can afford — but I can’t shake the feeling of it being a bit unequal.

AIBU to feel hurt by this, or am I overthinking it?

@Aiming4Optimistic
I did not ask for personal advice. My Life. I am not the OP. I was pointing out that the army of grandmothers expected to donate their retirement for childcare is ageing. You still haven't commented on the statistics which show this to be the case. These are women who will have worked until 65 or older who are then expected to donate the next ten years to childcare in the name of being 'fair'. Circumstances change. Most mothers do not stop at one. My point is that the OP's mother has cared for her grandson for three years and now the OP wants the same in the name of fairness . Then in the name of 'fairness , more grandchildren will arrive who need care and bang goes the grandmother's retirement. Just as you you @Aiming4Optimistic might feel fairness only applies to a young mum, think about older women who in your eyes don't have any rights but have to give their time freely and without complaint.
I am not alone in thinking that some posters think they are entitled to 'own' someone else's time. That kind of entitlement is dangerous and unfair.

The first 10 years after retirement are likely to be their healthiest too.

@Seedlingsparrow
Nobody has the right to anybody else’s time.

If OP’s mum is feeling tired she should stop doing childcare completely.
However, most good parents don’t treat their children differently.
Favouritism of children/grandchildren is horrible.

Is favouritism of grandmothers also wrong? I see on here so often that it is ‘natural’ for a mother to favour her own parents. By your logic, having favourites whether children, grandchildren or grandparents is also wrong. There are no laws.It is important to remember that fairness should go ‘up’ the generations as well as down. As you say, @Changename12, favouritism is horrible.

The OP here isn't demanding anything - she's wondering why her mum is willing to offer lots of support to her sibling but not to her.

OP has the answer to this already. She said it herself:

The thing is, my mum is brilliant with my nephew and clearly loves it, but it does tire her out. She often seems irritable afterwards and has been ill more.

Yet OP is still confused and bewildered.

The "getting to know the grandkids" is always muddied up with some "free time" for the parents.

My grandmother was 42 when her first grandchild was born.
My mum was 53 when her first grandchild was born
I was 64 when my first grandchild was born.
That's a phenomenal change in the generations. And pretty standard.

Back in 1986, at 30 I was the oldest in my NHS antenatal classes.
My daughter, at 32, was the first and youngest of her peer group, and similar aged cousins, to give birth. Incidentally an unplanned (but happy) pregnancy.

You genuinely can’t see any unfairness in your treatment of your grandchildren if you have 2 of them if you chose to spend 8+ hours a day, twice a week with one but had no regular time with the other. You don’t imagine as they got older they would come to equate the time/attention each got to how you felt about them? My father in law is like this. He will sack our daughters off at the drop of a hat to look after his grandson (SILs youngest). My kids absolutely notice and are mystified as to what they did wrong that means their grandad shows a marked preference for their cousin. Having observed their experience and how much it’s hurt my OH I will never behave that way.

@Americasfavouritefightingfrenchman - I'm now singing your user name at the top of my lungs 😄

😂 it’s a bit of a favourite of mine. My youngest learnt it off by heart and it was very amusing watching her get to grips with it

Well said kids do notice. My kids know who the favourite grand child is in dhs family. They even comment on granny always talking about X child or caring for her.

That’s of no relevance to the OP’s situation, rather the opposite. The OP appears to want her mother to ‘sack off’ her pre-existing arrangement to look after her sister’s child in order to look after hers.

The OP wants the grandkids to be treated broadly similarly. The fact grandma always looked after their cousin but never after the OPs child will absolutely be noticed by the OPs child as they get older and watching them feel hurt by it will be upsetting. Kids absolutely notice when grandparents are always with their other grandkids. It’s not an identical situation but the eventual outcome could very well be the same. It’s disingenuous to suggest all it’s about is demanding free childcare

No. It is usual for each child to favour their parents. OP has stated that her Dad is not around. Sons can favour their own parents too.
It doesn’t quite apply the other way round. You are responsible for the children you bring up. You are not responsible for your parents. If they don’t treat you well you can ignore them.

Interesting comments in this thread!
I have young kids but live in a different country from my mum so this issue hasn’t come up.

I think the grandma should have absolute discretion to say how much childcare she’s comfortable doing (for any grandkids). And if she’s aged a bit since the current arrangement with the sister was agreed, or has found it hard going, she has every right to pull out. She doesn’t have to help OP just to ‘even things up’.

however I agree with the OP that if grandma keeps going with caring for the toddler and does nothing for OP’s baby - I would feel hurt if I was in OP’s shoes. Both because babies benefit more in a home environment and are (I think) easier to care for than an active 3 year old, and because of the issue of fairness between the sisters.

BUT the OP is being very unreasonable for making a lot of assumptions without just talking to her mum. OP you should do that and see where she stands!

Don't bring it up with her but if she criticised it thats when I'd be saying well, since we don't get family help we aren't left with a lot of options.

I get it. She thinks babies shouldn’t be in nursery yet she’s only offered for one of her children’s babies to be watched by her.

We have it the other way in that we have the older grandchildren and was never offered yet when the sibling had children suddenly nanny daycare to the rescue and even now both at school she does regular pick ups and sleep overs.

Honestly yes it has affected the children’s relationships with their nan she favours the others and ours feel left out and unwanted so have stopped bothering with her.

She actually gets quite annoyed that ours practically avoid her now but somehow hasn’t put two and two together.

She has been called out on her blatant favouritism but goes oh no it’s not like that…. Don’t think that….

Her loss.

Haven’t rtft but it seems to me that what OP really wants is for her mum to volunteer to stop caring for her nephew and swap to providing care for her baby. I can totally see why OP would want this but she can’t ask for it as would put her mum in an awful position and likely infuriate her sister.

OP - since you acknowledge your mum is knackered doing the childcare she already does, you know it would be unreasonable to put even more on her, so you’re just going to have to accept that you won’t get the same free childcare as your sister. If you’d had your baby first then it would likely have been the other way round. You can still facilitate a great relationship between your mum and baby.

There's a lot of 'whataboutery' in this post.
I do think that you are projecting a lot of anger on this thread because you haven't been able to deal with your own children and now the situation has run away with you - no offence was meant by my advice, it's only that when you post your personal situation, it does invite comment. And I genuinely hope you get it resolved and enjoy some of your retirement.

I'm not sure your statistics about ageing parents is relevant tbh - if a gp is too old to provide childcare, so be it. But OP's mum is continuing to provide it, just not for OP, which is where the unfairness comes in.

No one is saying that a gp should be looking after all the grandkids for years on end, at the expense of their own health and retirement, but in OPs case, if her mum is going to continue doing childcare, it seems reasonable to spread the help. I wouldn't give all my resources to one child and none to the other.
You can say it's the gps right to do as they please and that's true. But it's also true that it will have an effect on the relationships of one child feels that their sibling and siblings child are favoured.

Agree totally. Maybe she finds it too tying and to ffer you 2 days would mean an almost full time job.
Maybe she would like to reduce her babysitting but feeling obligated to continue. I don't think it's about preferences. I suspect she is finding it too time consuming or stressful

It is very tiring looking after young children as you get older. Also your sister is a teacher they only work about 22 weeks a year so your mum gets lots of time off which is very different to looking after a baby 48 weeks a year thst sounds relentless. I really love my DGD but it takes me couple of days to recover if I have them for a weekend and they aren't babies.

You need to raise the conversation yourself to get the ball rolling and give everyone else time to think about what it means for them. Ask your mum if she has any capacity to look after another one in a years time? Ask your sister if her son will do more hours in nursery in a years time as they may get extra free hours. You can simply say, that you have to register him now to get on the waiting list so that hopefully there will be a space when you need it. Don’t have to say you’ve committed to anything. Just weighing up the options and seeing what help might be available. No pressure on anyone, not expecting any yes’s or no’s although fine to say no, you’re just weighing up your options and would like them to have a little think also. You sound fortunate to have both your mother & sister close by & between the 3 of you, should be able to find a solution. Of course dads also play a part before anyone jumps down on me!

If you can afford to pay for childcare then that answers all your questions without having to ask your mum. It cuts out all the argy bargy and feeling upset having to ask and what your sister might say if you use mum to lose her a day's childcsre so you can have it.

I didn't have any parents when I had DD as I was an older mum. My sister had 3 children of her own who were teens, she never offered any childcare. DH's parents were in their 70s and I didn't feel it was right or safe for them to have her so she went to a childminder 4 hours a day while I went to work. DH had regular days off work but never offered to look after her - useless father & husband. We separated when DD was 4.

I just saw it that she was our child and it was up to us to sort childcare out, I didn't want the constant questions and criticisms about how we lived our lives, involving grandparents only causes grief one way or another. Childminders and nurseries don't cause hassle in my experience.

22 weeks a year? Where on earth do you get that?
Try 39.

You're overthinking their are so many things it could be maybe your mum is worn down from looking after your nephew and regrets agreeing to it

I'd plump for this one. I speak from experience. Once you start doing it it's virtually impossible to stop without giving huge offence. It's very wearing doing it all over again 35 years later.