AIBU to feel a bit hurt about childcare differences between grandchildren?

[OneLovingMoose]

Ive just had a baby and we’ve already had to confirm nursery. I’ve arranged 4 days a week when I go back (using a mix of annual leave and flexible working for the first 10 months, then we’ll reassess). My husband does contract work so can’t commit a day but will do pick ups/drops off around his contracts. I am very much of the opinion that it’s our responsibility to arrange childcare and whilst I would accept help I am not going to expect this or put this onto others - it’s theirs to offer as it’s a lot!

Here’s where I’m struggling a bit…

My sister had a baby 2 years ago and my mum looks after my nephew 2 days a week, with nursery the other 3. This was an arrangement she offered when my sister went back to work 2 days a week after Easter. As she’s a teacher this meant she didn’t have to arrange nursery until September. My sister then went back 5 days a week from the September and my mum continued to look after my nephew 2 days with him in nursery the other 3.

My mum has very strong views that nursery isn’t right for young children and has always blamed any illness or toddler behaviour on it 🙄. Both my sister and I have pushed back on this (especially when she suggests my sister should stop working), but those views have remained based on nothing but her opinion. When I say to her I think my nephew has a good balance of 2 days with her and 3 in nursery (8.15-4pm) she snaps that’s he’s too young to be in 3 full days Q (he’s 2 next month).

What’s confusing/hurtful is that there’s been no mention of a similar arrangement for my baby. I haven’t asked outright, and she hasn’t offered. What’s hurting me most is the acknowledgement- if my mum can’t offer the same to my baby as she’s committed to my nephews arrangement and can’t see herself doing more, fine, but an acknowledgment of this would go a long way. It also feels like double standards that she rants about the negatives of nursery for my nephew but there has been no mention of this for my baby.

The thing is, my mum is brilliant with my nephew and clearly loves it, but it does tire her out. She often seems irritable afterwards and has been ill more, but won’t acknowledge it’s a lot and insists she wants to do it and takes it personally when I mention how it’s a lot for her especially when I make a joke of a bad mood she may be in after a tough couple of toddler tantrum days.

My sister and her husband accept the help (understandably as it saves them a lot), but also put up with the moods and comments. I am also hurt that they haven’t mentioned the disparity either to me or I don’t think my mum.

My husband says my mum and sister are similar and live more in the moment so may not have even occurred to them that even though it’s a year away arrangements have to be made now and they aren’t thinking about it. I see that but don’t accept this as surely it’s pretty obvious, when I was pregnant but now the baby is here.

I’m reluctant to ask my mum directly because I don’t want any sense of obligation or guilt for either of us. I also see how tiring it is for her and couldn’t bear the guilt knowing it was my baby doing this and it hadn’t just been her choice. But equally I wonder if she assumes I don’t need help because I’m seen as the “capable” one and then I’ve been clear I value nursery for socialisation and that I do want to go back to work.

I think what’s bothering me most is the inconsistency. She was so adamant about nursery negatives with my nephew, yet hasn’t said anything similar to me about my child. And longer term, it feels a bit unfair that my child may be in nursery 4 days a week while my nephew (if this continues) only does 3 who will be 2 years older, plus there’s a significant financial difference for us vs my sister.

I fully appreciate no one owes me childcare, and we’ve made plans we can afford — but I can’t shake the feeling of it being a bit unequal.

AIBU to feel hurt by this, or am I overthinking it?

I think what’s bothering me most is the inconsistency

But your own posts are riddled with inconsistencies @OneLovingMoose

You know your mum's exhausted doing the childcare she already does, but you want her to volunteer to do twice as much.
Your mum is constantly critical of your sister, yet you want to line yourself up for the same criticism.
I'm not going to go through all your posts to write the inconsistencies, but I think you just need to get a grip.

Yes, the first grandchildren seem to get the bulk of grandparent childcare. The reason is obvious. The GPs were younger when they offered it. The DD that they offered it to used that offer to commit to a role that they might otherwise not have taken. The GP can't suddenly say "I'm not doing it any more, because I'm going to look after the other GCs instead" and risk the DD's job.

I started doing irregular childcare when my first grandchild was a baby six years ago. I was 64 then. I'm 70 now. There's a whole world of difference in the energy I have to do it, and to care for her little sister. If my other daughter has children I suspect I would struggle to do the same, even if I no longer did childcare for the first two. I would probably support her with nursery costs instead.

Also no mention of the DH's dad - why can't he take on the childcare?

Cue - he is dead, ill, works a BIG important job.

Yes, I have often seen that spiteful response on this site - to a woman who raised you and worked her entire life not wanting to continue to give you her free labour and as much time as you demand.

OPs mother and others like her have done their duty - they raised their family. Now they get to choose what they want to do with their own time. That's the fair solution.

@Aiming4Optimistic Very few of the grandmothers I know became grandparents at 50. The age of first time motherhood in this country is increasing all the time. The average age in London for a first time Mum is 31. There are more over 40s giving birth than 18 to 25 year olds. That means a woman born to a Mum of 35 and who waits to be over 35 to have her children is going to have grandparents ( her kids) of seventy plus.
Many, many grannies are in their late sixties, seventies when grandkids are born. They retire, like me and my friends, from full time professional jobs to full on childcare, only with twice as many children as their own. They do great jobs as childcare providers but with an increasing army of grannies who are 70+ years old, it is hard hard work.

I disagree because I think that as parents we owe it to our children to not have favourites and to treat them equally, where possible.
Now if the OP was a millionaire with a live in nanny, she might not need childcare help. But if her circumstances are similar to her sister's, then she would benefit from her mother's help. As a mum, I wouldn't feel right giving all my resources to one child, while leaving the other, who had equal need, without. So I would share that time as fairly as I could between my children. In this situation it would be transferring support to the new mum rather than taking on additional days.

To me, it's not about being a support animal but being part of a family where we all do our bit. My folks (mum and dad) helped me out loads and when they needed help, I did the same for them.

Or he’s just not the cake the OP is fighting her sister for.

I mean, this baby potentially has three other grandparents.

@SeedlingsparrowI agree that women in their 70s probably shouldn't be taking on massive childcare commitments. In your shoes, I would pull back because it sounds like your dc are taking you for granted if they sulk when you need a break.

My parents were late 40s when they became grandparents - not everyone is having kids in their 30s.

But @Aiming4Optimistic
Most new parents (UK) are having kids in their 30s or older. Look at the statistics. This inevitably results in older grandparents.
Births to mothers under 25 in the UK have fallen to a low of approximately 13.1% of all births, as women are increasingly having children later in life. Data indicates that births to women under 20 are at a record low (around 2.6%), while more than one in four babies are now born to mothers aged 35 and over.
It is disingenuous to pretend the majority of new Mothers in the UK are young twenty odd year olds.

@Eggandspoonrace2 the gran is literally supporting one of her children. She absolutely has the right to not support both, if that's her choice but the consequence of only helping one daughter will be to make her other daughter feel less cared for, the relationship with the new baby won't be the same as it is for the child she looks after, there may be tension between the siblings.
Most people wouldn't argue that parents should treat their dc fairly. That doesn't stop when dc grow up.
Fair enough for gran to do no childcare at all (bar emergencies) if that's her wish and I go agree that no one is entitled to have a baby and assume the gps will do childcare. But as a parent, if you offer to one, it's a bit of a kick in the teeth to the other if you don't share your time.

If GPs are too old to offer childcare then fair enough, don't offer it. But in this case, gran is offering it - but just to one child. There is only 2 years between the children, so not comparable to a 10 year age gap where gran was able to look after one but not the other.

And with no thought to how that might impact her nephew, who has done nothing wrong and will feel pushed aside by his baby cousin.

No my dad has been dead for many years (since i was young). My FIL is over 80 with dementia.

We have paid for childcare for years and will continue to do so for another few years.

However it is hard to know your children are always second best in the pecking order because they are not golden child's children.

My older child has little relationship with either grandmother as they have not played enough for an active role in his life to matter much to him. My other children are heading the same way and already showing little interest in either of them. I have no sympathy for either grand mother as they chose that path so will be not be pushing my children to maintain a relationship if they dont want to.

So the OP should treat both equally even though she is more tired and more ill, irritable after she has done the childcare for her other daughter?

This kind of equality rare applies to men.

@Aiming4Optimistic
Have you read the statistics for the age of mothers in the UK?
Over half (approx. 54%) of all live births in England and Wales are to mothers aged 30 and over, reflecting a long-term trend of delayed childbearing. The average age of mothers has risen to 31 years.
The great majority of grandmothers in their ( to quote you) forties and fifties will still be working so unable to provide childcare. There are fewer and fewer grandmothers in their forties and fifties, anyway.
Some MN posters are unbelievably entitled about their (imagined ) right to childcare from an army of increasingly elderly ladies.

@HazelMember is the mum going to continue looking after the first grandchild? Despite being irritable, she isn't withdrawing that help.

The gran is literally allowed to do anything she likes with her own time. That's fairness.

The only "consequence" comes about if her grasping bludger of an entitled daughter makes unfair demands or throws a wobbly. OP is owed not a single second of her mother's time or free labour. Not one second. If she'd accepted that and internalised it she wouldn't be throwing this petulant tantrum.

Time for the OP, you and everyone else to get it. It's not your right or entitlement to expect even a single second of childcare from your mother - no matter what else they are doing. Her mother's time and free labour is not a resource to be shared out by anybody at all. Her mother has the right to do whatever she wants, however she wants, with whomever she wants. No explanation required. That's the fair and right thing.

Once you accept this, it all becomes clear. If OP wants to blow up her relationship with her mother because she thinks she has a right to her mother's free labour, that's her choice.

This is something that's much more important to you as a new mother than it is to her. Of course you are thinking about childcare for your precious newborn or may not even be on her radar. For all the reasons you've stated it sounds like it wouldn't be an ideal arrangement even if she did offer. The circumstances are different because your sister had a child first and because you are all aware that the childcare is difficult for your mum. Try not to compare and perhaps be grateful for the benefits if she doesn't end up doing childcare for you. She may offer later but may not because as you say it's now clear it takes a lot out of her and results in bad feelings too.

I agree

How would I know?

Can you clarify? Why is she a bludger? What specifically is she grasping for?

It sounds to me like you are the “coper” of the family and your sister is the one that needs looking after.

You are fueling this dynamic by not asking for help. If you want their help it’s ok to ask.

however in this situation the “help” actualy seems like a poisoned chalice of snide comments and guilt for 3 years until the kid goes to school. You need to decide if that’s actually what you want, or do you want the pride of knowing you’ve done it all yourself.
Either is fine, what will help you sleep better at night.

@Seedlingsparrowyour problem is your own over entitled children, that you need to deal with. I think you've gotten yourself into a situation that you are struggling to get out of now and it's way too much for you. I would advise that you give your children notice to find alternative arrangements, particularly the ones whose children you have looked after for the longest. You might find that eased your burden and frees up more time for you to enjoy your retirement.

The OP here isn't demanding anything - she's wondering why her mum is willing to offer lots of support to her sibling but not to her. I do think the fair thing in this situation is for gran to step back from the older gc and support the younger one, if she is still willing/able to offer any childcare. If she isn't able to do that for the OP because childcare has become too much, then surely it's too much to continue for the older one as well?

3-year-olds are easier than newborns. Maybe OPs mum feels she can't cope with a newborn now.

@Eggandspoonrace2shrs not throwing a tantrum. Stop projecting whatever you are pissed off about. She's asking if her feelings are unreasonable.

I found my newborns easier than my 3 year olds tbh - they stayed where you put them!
If it's the case for gran that she feels a 3 year old is easier to cope with, it's worth having that chat with OP so she understands her mum isn't just favouring one child over another. I think this is where a lot of the feeling is coming from - not entitlement or demands, but from wanting to feel that she's as important to her mum as her sister is and that their children will be loved equally.