AIBU to feel a bit hurt about childcare differences between grandchildren?

[OneLovingMoose]

Ive just had a baby and we’ve already had to confirm nursery. I’ve arranged 4 days a week when I go back (using a mix of annual leave and flexible working for the first 10 months, then we’ll reassess). My husband does contract work so can’t commit a day but will do pick ups/drops off around his contracts. I am very much of the opinion that it’s our responsibility to arrange childcare and whilst I would accept help I am not going to expect this or put this onto others - it’s theirs to offer as it’s a lot!

Here’s where I’m struggling a bit…

My sister had a baby 2 years ago and my mum looks after my nephew 2 days a week, with nursery the other 3. This was an arrangement she offered when my sister went back to work 2 days a week after Easter. As she’s a teacher this meant she didn’t have to arrange nursery until September. My sister then went back 5 days a week from the September and my mum continued to look after my nephew 2 days with him in nursery the other 3.

My mum has very strong views that nursery isn’t right for young children and has always blamed any illness or toddler behaviour on it 🙄. Both my sister and I have pushed back on this (especially when she suggests my sister should stop working), but those views have remained based on nothing but her opinion. When I say to her I think my nephew has a good balance of 2 days with her and 3 in nursery (8.15-4pm) she snaps that’s he’s too young to be in 3 full days Q (he’s 2 next month).

What’s confusing/hurtful is that there’s been no mention of a similar arrangement for my baby. I haven’t asked outright, and she hasn’t offered. What’s hurting me most is the acknowledgement- if my mum can’t offer the same to my baby as she’s committed to my nephews arrangement and can’t see herself doing more, fine, but an acknowledgment of this would go a long way. It also feels like double standards that she rants about the negatives of nursery for my nephew but there has been no mention of this for my baby.

The thing is, my mum is brilliant with my nephew and clearly loves it, but it does tire her out. She often seems irritable afterwards and has been ill more, but won’t acknowledge it’s a lot and insists she wants to do it and takes it personally when I mention how it’s a lot for her especially when I make a joke of a bad mood she may be in after a tough couple of toddler tantrum days.

My sister and her husband accept the help (understandably as it saves them a lot), but also put up with the moods and comments. I am also hurt that they haven’t mentioned the disparity either to me or I don’t think my mum.

My husband says my mum and sister are similar and live more in the moment so may not have even occurred to them that even though it’s a year away arrangements have to be made now and they aren’t thinking about it. I see that but don’t accept this as surely it’s pretty obvious, when I was pregnant but now the baby is here.

I’m reluctant to ask my mum directly because I don’t want any sense of obligation or guilt for either of us. I also see how tiring it is for her and couldn’t bear the guilt knowing it was my baby doing this and it hadn’t just been her choice. But equally I wonder if she assumes I don’t need help because I’m seen as the “capable” one and then I’ve been clear I value nursery for socialisation and that I do want to go back to work.

I think what’s bothering me most is the inconsistency. She was so adamant about nursery negatives with my nephew, yet hasn’t said anything similar to me about my child. And longer term, it feels a bit unfair that my child may be in nursery 4 days a week while my nephew (if this continues) only does 3 who will be 2 years older, plus there’s a significant financial difference for us vs my sister.

I fully appreciate no one owes me childcare, and we’ve made plans we can afford — but I can’t shake the feeling of it being a bit unequal.

AIBU to feel hurt by this, or am I overthinking it?

Firstly I think you need to ask her outright.

second she’s probably not offered because she’s got herself in a bit of a pickle - says she doesn’t like nursery and if she’s finding nephew tiring, would have to go back on herself to either suggest he attends more often or to care for your child.

and third she’s probably worried about looking after two kids as it is objectively knackering and sounds like it’s more than she can handle.

she was in a different position when she offered for your sister. I think it’s fine for you to ask. I don’t think any of our parents understand the need to confirm nursery days so early on - mine thought it was bonkers because it’s a system that’s totally changed since we were small. They thought you could call up a childminder the week before, not that I put babies name down after my 12 week scan.

ask your mum. See what she says. Get her to explain the difference between you both and how to make it fair.

The fair option is that the OPs mother does whatever she likes with her own time and free labour, since her time, labour and attention are not resources to be sliced up and handed out by her family. And OP processes the fact that her mother owes her not one single second of childcare, and nor does anybody else except the child's father.

OP can ask her mother and her mother can then do as she pleases. That's fair. Her mother's time, attention and free labour are her own to do with as she chooses.

@Seedlingsparrowwhy do you put up with this? Let them sulk. Offering one day per week is different to offering 3 or more. It's time you had the conversation with your kids where you tell them that you've given them help for X number of years, that your health has changed and they need to make alternative arrangements now. You are entitled to go on holiday and not be scared of the reactions from your adult dc.

I also know friends of my mum whose own dc kept having more babies in the assumption that granny would do all the childcare. It never let up - even though granny is really old and has a lot going on, the adult dc still expects tons of life support.

@Aiming4Optimistic
If you read my post above, you see what the end result is of treating all grandchildren equally in terms of childcare, I have completely lost my retirement years. I have friends with eight grandchildren. In spite of what you might blithely think, childcare is much harder at 80 than at 70. One of my friends has just had her final grandchild at gone 80. She has 4 children and ten grandchildren. She is exhausted. More and more women are leaving childbirth until their late thirties and forties. It means grandparenthood often starts at late seventies. It is so tiring and unlike a full time job, you never get holidays. So, @Aiming4Optimistic, imagine the years of expectation of childcare, according to your blithe assumption that childcare should always be doled out equally.

This is awful and a level of entitlement that is quite phenomenal from your daughter and your friends adult children.

Honestly for your own benefit tell your daughter you will be booking a holiday between x date and y date and do it. Give her enough notice that she can arrange childcare.

One of the things I noticed in families with this set up is just about everyone else can see except the parents taking advantage of grandparents how exhausted the grandparents are. Your daughter is entitled and needs to start caring for her own child at times so you can enjoy retirement a bit. Cut if back, tell her I will be doing one day a week,no arguments, no discussions outwith I am not fit for this anymore.

@Eggandspoonrace2thats too simplistic. Of course on the face of it, OPs mum can do whatever she likes. But the fact is, that if she helps one child completely but the other not at all, that will affect relationships.

I do think GPs have to be very careful of what they commit to because some adult dc really will take advantage and take without ever giving. But, assuming that gran was willing and able to continue childcare, to me, the fairest option is to share what she can offer, so both daughters benefit and not just the one who got in first.

Maybe it is just too much already for your mum being on her own and already doing childcare. It is a bit much to expect yet more of her.

@Aiming4Optimistic But you just said, childcare from grandparents should be given equally. I have tried to do that. I never realised that it would mean no holidays, no retirement. I still do a tiny amount of paid work as well as my childcare days (tutoring). Like many old people, I am reluctant to let my paid work go. It makes me feel valued and a real person.
It is just wearing for me and my many friends who see the expectation of years and years of unpaid childcare. At the same time , being disparaged if we dare mention tiredness.

You see it all the time on here. Women moaning that their mothers won't help even though they had lots of help apparently.

The fathers never seem to be around or work BIG jobs.

I think childcare should be fair, equal but also appropriate. The grand parent who helped out 3 days a week at 50 is not going to be as able or fit at 75 to do the same which is fine. Age has to be considered and if parents cant do it then point it out. I am coming from a place were my own mum offered virtually no help (still wont maybe once a year) and my MIL helps her favourites only (not my dh)

Yes, it is a mumsnet fixation - the imaginary right of mothers to demand free labour, time and attention from their own mothers. It's horrible that so many women actually don't get it - older women can offer zero childcare to you and give it out to ten other people if they want to, or none at all. It's their own time to use.

Grandmothers' free labour, time and attention is not a resource to be sliced up like a pie, OP is owed not a single second of free labour, her transactional petulance is sickening.

And yep, you don't hear anything about the grandfathers, or vanishingly rarely. They're allowed lives, retirement, hobbies, travel and to do as they please, it's only grandmothers who are to have no peace, no choice, no right to make their own decisions or their daughters will throw a wobbly. It's beyond me how OP and others like her can be so utterly self centred and totally without any self awareness.

Is there a FIL? How much does he help?

Am glad you spoke up. I have also noticed the increasing assumption on MN that an older woman is nothing more than a support animal.

I don't think childcare can be equally doled out as grandparents age. If that's unfair then well, life is unfair.

To be fair, my husband has been used forever by our children as an odd job man, builder, plumber, electrician etc etc
It is the same with lots of my friend's husbands. They are general handymen to sustain 3 or 4 houses.

And it's not unfair - because there is no level of a woman's free labour or time that can be fairly demanded or expected.

The only fair solution is that grandmothers do whatever they choose, and OP and others like her stop treating them like support animals with no right to make their own decisions about how they will spend their precious irreplaceable time.

Hear hear.

Jobs here and there are different than doing childcare on a regular basis.

And it is the very rare man who behaves like this anyway, and there is generally zero expectation on them to provide any assistance of any kind - so it's just not comparable.

@Seedlingsparrowi think I expressed myself badly. I don't necessarily mean that what a go does at 50, they should do at 70. But if a gp is offering help to one of their children, if their health and circumstances haven't changed, then imo they should offer help to their other child. So that gps don't end up overwhelmed and with no retirement, for gps like OPs mum, that might mean pulling back on helping the child who has already received 2 years of help, in order to help out the child who is new parent and not had any help at all.
I certainly don't mean that age/health etc shouldn't be key factor in what gps do or that they should offer the exact same help regardless of circumstances.

I agree its unfair OP and I feel for you. My parents don't do any regular childcare for us but have the kids (primary age) in some school hols and it works so well for us all. They are retired and too busy for regular care! I don't know how you can raise it without sounding petulant but its hard.

And for all of those saying the OP is rude, entitled, selfish etc I think you're being really unfair. Shes a new mum, probably worried about money, anxious about childcare (v normal) and her sister has had a lot more support. of course that feels unfair!

When her mum is elderly and asking for lots of help and the OP says 'I don't owe you my unpaid time and labour my free time is to do what I want with' (as many are suggesting her mother should say) she will again be accused of being rude, selfish and uncaring. Family isnt transactional but it can't be all take and no give or vice versa forever without causing some rifts.

No, what the OPs mother should do is whatever she wants to do. There is nothing unfair about it since OP is not entitled to a single second of free labour and should never have expected it.

Her mother's time and free labour is not a resource to be dished out to grasping family members. It is her own to do with as she chooses.

Once you put it in perspective, and realise that women are not support animals for other people, that older women have a right to make their own choices for any reason that suits them, that they don't owe anybody a moment of explanation for not choosing to give them free labour, once you reframe the whole situation to "It's her time, nobody is owed it, nobody is owed an explanation and it is unfair and wrong to place expectations on her for childcare" it all makes much more sense.

I am waiting for posters to say the OP should not visit her mum in her future care home... Coming in 5..4...3...2..1. That's the usual threat when older women aren't accomodating.

The OP's mum is already struggling. She is also on her own as the OP's dad is not around.

my mum is brilliant with my nephew and clearly loves it, but it does tire her out. She often seems irritable afterwards and has been ill more.

She is already tired out more and ill yet OP wants to dump more on her.