To be sad that I’ve never been proposed to?

[Macaroni46]

I’m a mid 50s divorcee who’s just come out of a long term relationship so am feeling quite bruised at the moment. Despite having been married, I’ve never been proposed to. The older I get, the less likely this is to happen. I still live in hope of receiving a proposal (not saying I necessarily want to get married though!) and would need to find a new partner but am thinking it’s increasingly unlikely. I feel really sad that I will go to my grave never having experienced someone actively wanting to marry me. Am I being ridiculous?

You were married so how did they ask you / happen ?

Meh. Never had a proposal either - been together 20 years but not married. I think proposing is all a bit Bronte sisters to be honest. I think getting married should be a conversation, like with any other big decision in life

But you've been married...?

So your husband was like aah we better just get married then. And you were like ok ?

Isn't the whole point of proposals is because they lead to marriage?

If you've been married then you did have someone who wanted to commit to you, surely?

I suggested we get married as I was pregnant and he agreed. It was a tiny, very low key wedding with no guests.

Surely if you’ve been married before someone actively wanted to marry you. I’m happily married but never got the lovey dovey surprise proposal and can’t say I was bothered by it. Our relationship just kind of evolved. Having said that there is nothing wrong to wanting the romance of a surprise proposal.

Been married twice and engaged once (so 3 relationships). Never been proposed to either! In each case marriage was discussed then went engagement ring shopping!

I've never been proposed to or married. It would have been nice to be asked, I know what you mean.

The marriage is the important thing, not the proposal, the engagement or the wedding.

Are you imagining some kind of elaborate grand Instagram worthy proposal? Because those don’t represent great love or passion. It’s just a production.

If you don’t want to get married it’s not really the proposal you are feeling sad about, so what is really at the heart of this feeling?

I totally get that. Being proposed to by a man is one of the most traditional and deeply romantic moments a woman can experience in her life.

I totally get this as I feel the same way. Ive had a long term marriage (20+ years but its long since over) but we drifted into it, by me saying we either moved the relationship on (got a home together and marriage- his family religious so in the mid 90's marriage was needed to have the home) or we went our separate ways.

Im not desperate to get married, but Id love someone to think enough of me to put some effort into planning a proposal. Nothing flash, and certainly not for socials (I dont like them) but just a bit of thought and someone else to take the lead on it would be really nice. I also feel sad that I might never have this experience from a romance perspective. Its good to know Im not the only one.

Do you think he didn't want to be married to you?.

I'm a big old feminist OP but still get it. My husband proposed to me 30 years ago, not a big planned staged thing, but a courage in hands 'will you marry me'. I think it was the happiest moment of my life and still brings tears to my eyes.

I think romantic proposals with big gestures seem to have come back into fashion again, possibly because of social media.
When me and my friends got married a proposal like that seemed old fashioned. It gave the decision about marriage to the man.
Me and DH just discussed our future together and decided on marriage. We're very happy nearly 40 years on.
My point is this; it's not the proposal which would make you happy, but the idea that you had a happy future ahead of you.

You make a good point. I want to feel wanted. With my exH I was never sure he really wanted to be married. More that he did the right thing by me and our DC.
In answer to a previous poster’s question, no I’m not looking for an insta style proposal. Just to experience someone saying Macaroni will you marry me?

Yes, I'm wondering that - perhaps reflecting on the fact that the marriage ended?

Is it cultural in terms of feeling he had to do the right thing? It’d likely a century ago that was a thing really?

I think you've hit the nail on the head there
You were never confident that your ex wanted to be married.
That was nothing to do with a lack of "proposal", but perhaps because you wed for the sake of your child.
That doesn't mean that you can't have romance in your life, or happiness moving forward 💐

I think he felt trapped by me being pregnant and felt he should do the right thing, which I am grateful for. He knew as well as I did that unprotected sex leads to pregnancy so I didn’t trick him or anything like that. The marriage didn’t work out, he was abusive and frustrated by living in the suburbs and he felt the pressure of providing for a family heavily (although I always worked and paid my share).
I think what I’m hankering for is someone really wanting to be with me.

It sounds lol you really just want to feel like you are someone’s “best person” and that’s entirely natural and understandable.

But you are only mid fifties! Plenty of time to find a special person.

💐

It was 30 years ago.

I agree! You can still be special to someone 😊

The marriage ended 8 years ago and more recently, another long term relationship. I’m feeling like a bit of a failure really.

Yes, it sounds as if that's at the heart of it. He was never fully committed and turned out to be a bad husband. I get it. 30 years ago, things were different.
I wonder if it's time to work on putting that marriage behind you, and start to think about having a good quality of life now?