AIBU for regretting not challenging a rude comment to my child?

[AssertiveNeeded]

Please help me become more assertive. I am neurodivergent and I can’t get over confrontations for weeks even months later as I keep repeating them over in my head so I try to avoid getting into one but today I think I should have said something:

in the lift in a shopping centre with my 7 year old and 9 year old DD. This elderly lady came in and said to my 7 year old “do you ever SHUT UP?!!!” DD was just talking in a normal tone to me. I was really shocked and couldn’t say anything back to her. The elderly lady then turned to me and said “it’s like my bloody husband constant natter” I ignored her and we got off at our level. She said this to my DD as soon as she walked in the lift. My DD was very quiet the journey home and I said to her it’s best to ignore people like that. I feel angry I didn’t say anything, I feel I let my child down. I did say I think “oh my god” when she shouted the words do you ever “SHUT UP” but my brain went blank as I was shocked at her.

Can you please advise me what I should say in situations like this? How round you have reacted? I’m feeling really upset and angry and I know it’s my mind spiralling. Please help me be more assertive for my kids sake.

i also think she might have clumsily been trying to make conversation but what an awful way to strike up a conversation!

@Eastereats it was about an hour ago. Yes she may well have had mental issues as it’s not a normal thing to say as soon as you walk into a lift.

@Eastereats that was a great come back! Why couldn’t I have thought of this. Do you manage to think of things to say at the time or is it normal to not find the words at the time and only later think of what you could have said?

You’ll rarely think of a good comeback as it happens op, you would have been justified to say ‘you can’t talk to her like that’ or the like but I think we get shocked when something happens. I would say to dd ‘sorry that that lady was so awful, she must have something wrong with her or be having an awful day but you didn’t deserve that, I was so shocked I didn’t know what to say myself!’

She could have MH issues or be ND herself. It’s something that I generally think when I hear a loud child (obvs not loud to you) but wouldn’t say it.

That said I have been guilty of comments kind of falling out my mouth in a ‘oh shit did I just say that’ kind of way.

I never think of the clever or witty comebacks at the time. They usually occur to me at 3am 5 business days later.

My general response to this sort of thing is a simple
"That was rude" in a flat authoritative tone or
"I beg your pardon" in an outraged 80s teacher tone

Sometimes it’s fine not to say anything back.

I would have said, At least she's not rude like you

I’d assume this lady was also neurodivergent.

If she had just got on, I'd assume something was going on for her. Best to encourage empathy and not caring to your DD.

My advice for general assertiveness is this, you can choose passivity for yourself. It's a choice and as long as you don't get passive aggressive or blame others for not being psychic, it doesn't matter. You can't choose passivity for others. Don't model it to your DD, don't suggest it to her, don't recommend it. Coach her to assertiveness.

And BTW, witty comebacks might feel better in the moment but they make the world worse for everyone. An honest, caring but direct response is better. And easier if you're ND.

"Please don't talk to my child without my permission"
"She's talking normally"
"DD love, you're fine"

One of the symptoms of dementia is loss of inhibition. Of course she may have just been incredibly rude but I know my ND kids need a bit of grace from strangers sometimes, so they have grown up giving that grace to others.

I think you did OK to ignore it. Maybe say to your daughter you wish you could have found the words to respond, but you just couldn't find them in the moment, and reassure her that she is absolutely fine as she is and some people are just wrong.

My neighbours once told me they worry about our kids because they don't play loud enough outside! There are lots of people in the world who take joy in hearing little ones. Another day you might have got a different person who was just happy to hear the chatter. It always makes me smile and inwardly give thanks that I get a little more headspace now mine are older!

My Grandma would say things like that - she had dementia and challenging her would not have resulted in an apology or her changing her ways, it was a result of her illness. It eventually meant she couldn’t be out in public.

Clever come backs are all very well in theory but I’d have personally said nothing - I wouldn’t want to provoke someone into saying or doing something worse. Would you be wishing you made some clever retort to a young man who said something rude, or you just feel more confident with an elderly lady? Because I wouldn’t want my child to learn it’s a good idea to engage with people who are rude or behaving oddly in public.

I am ND too and don’t hugely like confrontation unless someone is rude. I probably would have responded with “who the fuck do you think your talking too” (not the right response) but out of shock.

maybe just say something like “that’s not very kind” then turn to your child and say “take no notice “

Neurodiverence might well be a reason why a child talking to their mother at a normal volume would cause the adult uncomfortable feelings. That doesn't mean it's ok for the adult to be rude to a child.

@Raindropskeepfallingon its got nothing to do with her being elderly! Even if it was a “young man” I still would have posted this. I’m not the type to bully little old ladies which is evident from my inability to not say anything to her!

I wouldn't try to think of any witty comebacks if they don't naturally come to you - they don't naturally come to many people I don't think! A calm "that was very rude" or "there's no need for that" will suffice in most of these situations imo. Or if ongoing, "that's enough."

I think now I would chat to DD and make sure she knows that was not about her - that lady was obviously having some issues of her own. I think it's ok for DD to see that even grown ups are stunned into silence sometimes, but you could maybe come up with and practise some calm, rational replies together, as kids often have to deal with mean comments from other kids, and it might be helpful for her to have a script.

Just to note the lady literally walked into the lift and door hasn’t even closed yet so I know it’s nothing my DD was doing wrong and she’s very shy and timid so her voice was not screaming. Adults always talk in the lift and were doing so when we walked in but this lady targeted me and my child. The woman herself was talking in a much louder tone when she was shouting shut up

I'm surprised anyone talks to her, miserable bitch.

What on earth was wrong with what Easter eats said?

What did she say? I didn’t get to read it before deleted

@Eastereats what did you say? I’m curious now lol! 😂

Best to ignore somebody like this. Somebody that rude is not going to listen, no matter how reasonable or how angry your response is. All that happens
is that you get more worked up by their even ruder and even more unreasonable reply.

I had a woman once accusing me of staring at her children at a bus stop. (I am female, ‘normal’ clothing, hairstyle etc, in my 50s - so nothing ‘threatening’ in my appearance). Her children were about 8 and 10. She was ridiculously angry. I can’t remember exactly what I said but she got even more angry. In the end, I said she could easily solve the problem by taking one step back. She did that and shut up. People are weird.