AIBU for regretting not challenging a rude comment to my child?

[AssertiveNeeded]

Please help me become more assertive. I am neurodivergent and I can’t get over confrontations for weeks even months later as I keep repeating them over in my head so I try to avoid getting into one but today I think I should have said something:

in the lift in a shopping centre with my 7 year old and 9 year old DD. This elderly lady came in and said to my 7 year old “do you ever SHUT UP?!!!” DD was just talking in a normal tone to me. I was really shocked and couldn’t say anything back to her. The elderly lady then turned to me and said “it’s like my bloody husband constant natter” I ignored her and we got off at our level. She said this to my DD as soon as she walked in the lift. My DD was very quiet the journey home and I said to her it’s best to ignore people like that. I feel angry I didn’t say anything, I feel I let my child down. I did say I think “oh my god” when she shouted the words do you ever “SHUT UP” but my brain went blank as I was shocked at her.

Can you please advise me what I should say in situations like this? How round you have reacted? I’m feeling really upset and angry and I know it’s my mind spiralling. Please help me be more assertive for my kids sake.

i also think she might have clumsily been trying to make conversation but what an awful way to strike up a conversation!

I wasn’t suggesting you were bullying her. If you would genuinely challenge a young man in a hoodie who was slightly rude to your child in a very brief interaction then good for you. Personally I don’t want my child to learn that retorting back is a sensible strategy in these situations, lest it escalate. I’ll be assertive if it’s important, but in this instance I think it would be much more sensible to just let it go and explain to the child afterwards that the lady was likely unwell, disabled or possibly just very rude but that child did nothing wrong.

I think what you said to your DD was correct and fine - it is best to ignore people like that. Not all rude comments have to be challenged. Ignore loopy people who you'll never see again, laugh it off as loopiness and get on with your day.

Thank you all. I think yes it was best I ignored it but do you think I’m teaching my child to just be a doormat? Anytime anyone was rude to me my mother’s response was “it doesn’t matter”. I think saying “that was rude” would have been great but my mind went blank!

OK, your ND; ADHD, ASD or AuDHD? Because my answer to this differs. If ADHD my metaphor is this, just because someone throws a ball, doesn't mean you have to chase it. Stop addressing IF your DD was loud. Or annoying. She threw a ball and you keep chasing it. The ball is 'your DD is loud'. You know she's not. Stop dealing with that.

Deal with; a woman was very rude. Maybe she's unwell, ND herself, has dementia, has had the worst day of her life, is just rude. Your job is not to teach her, or justify. Your job is to raise your DD to be an effective adult. Model calm, assertive, kind communication. Best outcome in any situation.

I'm wondering if it was a rubbish attempt at a joke. My Mum would often get it wrong, in the last year of her life (cancer). Especially as she followed on about her husband.
Just tell your DD that everything is ok and ignore. You shouldn't be getting into arguments in a lift, when you have your children with you. As for your DD becoming a doormat, we need to teach our children that they don't always have to say something back. That's really important in these times of increased knife crimes. But have a chat about dementia, mental health and how if a elderly person is physically unwell, they often are aggressive or inappropriate. We'd know when something physical was going on in our residents, because of the change in personality, in the care homes I've worked in.

When I was about 12 I was shopping with my mum. When we went into the lift, an old lady suddenly started snapping at me and accusing me of behaving badly and telling me not to mess around (which I wasn't). My mum just said very calmly to her 'don't speak to my daughter like that, she is doing nothing wrong and she is allowed to be in this lift just like you are'.

I still remember it because (being a compliant child) I was shocked by this lady's attitude to me and immediately felt ashamed and like I must be doing something bad. I still remember feeling grateful to my mum for standing up for me.

If she had just let it slide and said afterwards 'oh that wasn't nice but it's best not to make a scene' I would have felt much more upset. Plus I would have taken from it the idea that if someone is horrible to you you just have to quietly put up with it. So my view would be that being calm and assertive in response is the way to go (but no snarky or 'clever' comebacks - that isn't needed).

@AssertiveNeeded I'm not great at catchy come-backs but I tend to treat aggressive and rude people like clients when I was a sw. So I think I would naturally have said "Don't blame her- I love to hear her talking". That way your daughter would have heard the message you sent : you love to hear her talking even if someone else doesn't. And it's not confrontative so nothing for the lady to get worked up about. At worst she could have said "I don't like hear people talking" and you could have told her that you know someone who can't stand other people talking and they wear headphones outside- wouldn't that be a good idea?

It's not about what you say it's more about your attitude when you say it. You can be pleasant but still stand up for yourself/your dc. If you're ND you can use that- take what she says literally and tell her about when your dd doesn't talk- like when she's sleeping or reading. You could get into a whole monologue about this that would completely take the winds out of that lady's aggressive sails.

You said she may have just been trying to make conversation? So maybe that's all it was in a very clumsy way.

id have said 'No she doesn't, but we LOVE our chatty & interesting girls!!' 😁

If she was being obviously nasty I'd have said something like 'Excuse me? That was unkind & uncalled for'

but I don't think you did anything to worry about staying quiet. Just explain to the girls that there are lots of different people in the world & it's ok not to confront the challenging ones. You don't know why they react the way they do, but you don't have to let it impact you.

maybe she was just trying to engage with you & share your joint (in her eyes) experience if living with a chatter box.

anyway, try to forget about it!!

I had a similar confrontation once, a woman I can only assume had mental health issues came over and started ranting about where we parked, although parking was permitted roadside. She said the cars were interrupting her going for a walk, there was no path. She knocked on our window and ranted when i rolled it down. I was gobsmacked and just nodded along like a fool. As soon as she went on (to start yelling at the next driver who was pulling up) DS quietly in the back car seat said 'what a Karen' and we laughed so hard. It's not a word ever used in our house, don't know where he picked it up. After, I just explained that some adults don't have very good manners and maybe aren't very well in themselves and say silly things that we should ignore.

Probably just a nasty old lady. I'll be told I'm being ageist now but idc. Some old people are just vile.

What you say doesn't really matter so much as saying something, and standing up for your daughter. You don't have to say anything witty or clever. Your anxiety is making you completely overthink this.

It's OK that you were too shocked this time, but in future try and get up your courage to respond. This woman is just a person, like you, she has no power or authority, and certainly has no right going around talking that way to children who are just being children.

If you want some examples, you could tell her to mind her own business, tell her that is very rude, tell her not to speak to your daughter like that, or just turn to your daughter and tell her to ignore that rude lady, etc.

But really, it doesn't matter. There are lots of responses that would all have been OK - you don't need to overthink it or be very clever - it's just good for kids to see that it's OK to respond to people who make them feel uncomfortable or say mean things.

Well you are being ageist. People of any age can be utter cunts

One thing on one occasion doesn't matter. With kids, it's what you do over and over again on a day to day basis that matters.

If you are generally passive and permissive then yes that may rub off on your child... if you're worried then next time something like this happens, try and do it differently.

This!

You did the right thing saying nothing. Maybe she had the start of dementia

Do you think your DD would have preferred you to have said something? Or would it have caused stress and anxiety over a possible confrontation? My DD would be really scared if I spoke back (I did once in a park and it made things much worse) Now if anything like that happens I speak to her afterwards to reassure her. And you can still win here. Tell your dd she wasn’t doing anything wrong and that the lady was rude/ unwell/ confused. You can also tell her it’s good to remain calm and polite when people are being difficult as you just modelled

You’ve clearly got a freeze response to conflict. Idk why. It’s normally to do with what’s happened historically when you’ve gotten into conflicts. Probably nothing good came of it so you freeze.

you could try like mini exposure - getting into low stakes confrontations about things you don’t care about and proving to yourself it’s safe.

but I don’t think it would have been safe in a small space with 2 young children to confront someone like that. So I don’t think in this case your behaviour was unwise or a problem

Likely she had dementia or something and not completely with it.

Id just explain that to your daughter and not make a massive issue out of it

It's OK to not respond in the moment, sometimes it can escalate things and make an encounter last longer than needs be. The most important thing in this situation is to reassure your daughter that you were enjoying her chatter and that some people are very grumpy and cross and rude or sometimes they might have other things going on in their lives that we don't know about.

Lots of people playing out what they would have said in an ideal world but you absolutely did the right thing by not saying anything confrontational and walked away and talked to your daughter later. You don’t know of she would have started an argument and scared your DD further. If it was someone she was going to see on a regular basis then, yes, address the behaviour with them so it doesn’t happen again. But she was a stranger so you had nothing to gain by engaging with her.

I think you should always stick up for your children in a firm but safe way.
I dont think it matters what the issue with the old lady was tbh, what matters is your daughter doesnt feel like she should take that. She has just as much right to be there and be a child as the adult

Sometimes a dignified silence is best.

You will get better at it. My autistic daughter gets a lot of nasty comments, it’s much worse now shes older. Trust me people are way more nasty when your child is no longer a child. I don’t agree staying silent thats not a good thing to teach them, they should know you will stand up for them.

She may have dementia ? It’s a very uninhibited and rude thing to say.
I rarely come up with good come-backs at the time. And this would have shocked me into silence too I think. Also I wouldn’t want to get into a shouting match in front of my children with such an unhinged and unpredictable person.

My ND means I’m close to saying this kind of thing all the time and I do control it 99.9% of the time. But just occasionally something I think slips out (for example I called a cyclist a cunt for cutting me up as a pedestrian).

Whatever her issue, you are unlikely to see her again.