AIBU for regretting not challenging a rude comment to my child?

[AssertiveNeeded]

Please help me become more assertive. I am neurodivergent and I can’t get over confrontations for weeks even months later as I keep repeating them over in my head so I try to avoid getting into one but today I think I should have said something:

in the lift in a shopping centre with my 7 year old and 9 year old DD. This elderly lady came in and said to my 7 year old “do you ever SHUT UP?!!!” DD was just talking in a normal tone to me. I was really shocked and couldn’t say anything back to her. The elderly lady then turned to me and said “it’s like my bloody husband constant natter” I ignored her and we got off at our level. She said this to my DD as soon as she walked in the lift. My DD was very quiet the journey home and I said to her it’s best to ignore people like that. I feel angry I didn’t say anything, I feel I let my child down. I did say I think “oh my god” when she shouted the words do you ever “SHUT UP” but my brain went blank as I was shocked at her.

Can you please advise me what I should say in situations like this? How round you have reacted? I’m feeling really upset and angry and I know it’s my mind spiralling. Please help me be more assertive for my kids sake.

i also think she might have clumsily been trying to make conversation but what an awful way to strike up a conversation!

Never a good idea to have a confrontation with someone in an enclosed space. I’d have turned to my child and said ‘you carry on darling, I like hearing your chatter’ - no need to speak to the women at all.

Or just carry on as if you didn’t hear her.

It's always tempting to imagine the perfect comeback scenario, but in reality people like that are best ignored.

There was no point engaging with her. She probably would have just been nasty.

You did right to ignore her. People like that just keep biting back and no one decent can ever win

One of the few times I have bitten back was to a lad on a train. It was packed and I asked one girl politely if she could please move her bag a little.

He chipped in and started to have a go at me in front of his mates and other passengers (presumably trying to impress the girl).

Turns out that ‘Oh do fuck off little boy’, whilst not very nice, was quite effective at getting him to leave me alone.

Not my finest hour perhaps but it was spur of the moment

Why? Most people are just arseholes. Why is there always an excuse nowadays?

I don’t know op tbh. The real me would want to say ‘do you ever stop being a cunt’ but obv i couldn’t say that in front of my kids.

I'd have said pretty sharply:

'Do you ever stop being rude?'

However it would absolutely have made matters worse, not better. I think you are better ignoring it and the minute she was gone, say 'we ignore people like that as reacting makes them worse - I like talking with you and you did nothing wrong'.

I am the same OP. I too am neurodivergent. I still go over situations in my past (sometimes even from my childhood) where someone has been so unkind to me that it has stayed with me.
I think now of what I could have said then and feel the frustration that they got away with saying those hurtful words.

You just need to tell yourself that people like this are not worthy of your time and energy.
I have a non verbal child, and appreciate so much the conversations I can have with my verbal children. They can talk and talk and talk.
You did the right thing reassuring your daughter.

The lady probably meant it in a light hearted way (as she joked about her husband talking non stop) and probably would have been mortified if she knew you and your dd had been upset by it.
However, she should have thought before she spoke, especially when addressing a child.
I can remember as a young child I was very shy, and didn't understand it when adults (usually of my grandparents generation) said to me "You're very quiet. Have you lost your tongue?"

I know it's hard but try to move on from it now.

I think even if someone “might” have dementia or is ND, it’s absolutely ok for OP show her DD that she will stick up for her if someone is rude to her. 7 year olds aren’t there to be someone’s emotional punching bag, and a mild comment towards the woman such as, “Don’t be rude to my child like that she’s doing nothing wrong.” is absolutely fine, especially when we don’t even know for certain this woman’s medical history anyway. DD comes first.

OP, I would assume she’s not well and tell your DD that. It would have been fine to have said ‘I beg your pardon?’ but quite possibly not remotely effective.

I couldn't ignore it, your teaching your child it's OK for someone to speak to them like crap. I would have probably been the polar opposite and said something and then regretted it after! I would have said something along the lines of how dare you talk to my child like that you miserable woman.

True dat!

I think she sounds as if she has some sort of cognitive issue- saying "do you ever..." to someone she has never met suggests she's a bit confused and thinks she knows your DD and has experience of her behaviour. Maybe mixing her up with someone else. It's hard to know what to say in that situation, when someone is vulnerable but also being horrible.

I'd have a chat with your daughters about what happened and tell them that you wish you'd spoken up, that the lady was rude and they didn't do anything wrong.

Op don't beat yourself up, many of us, neuro divergent or not freeze up in moments like this. I think the best thing to do is have a chat with your daughter about how it made her feel and listen so she knows you've heard her (eg. "It made me feel upset" "yes, I would feel upset if someone spoke to me like that too, I'm sorry you feel like that it must be hard") and let her know you love conversations with her. In future, I've always found the best response is something you're really saying to your kid (eg. "I love hearing what she's got to say, actually!" and a big sickly sweet smile!)

I once smiled at a baby in a supermarket and the mum turned the pram around 😂

I don't think it's doormatty at all - it wasn't a confrontation, it was an erratic outburst by a stranger (who probably has some kind of cognitive issue) in a confined space. Best to look at the floor and wait for her to get off.

You don’t have to talk to the other person at all, just talk to your DD.

My DS has profound SEND and sometimes ignorant people make comments. I like to brightly say to DS “sometimes you meet people whose mummies clearly didn’t love them, so they never learned to be kind.” when people are really rude.

I'd have a conversation with your daughter and be honest and say you were so shocked because the lady was so rude and it's really unusual for someone to be that rude, maybe she is ill etc but say you wish you'd told her that your daughter wasn't doing anything wrong / she had no right to tell her to be quiet etc. Just so she knows that sometimes freezing is a normal human reaction but it doesn't mean you think the lady's behaviour was OK.

Was she definitely talking to your child?
Could she have had ear buds in and been talking to someone on a phone you couldn't see?

I think in that scenario, I would ignore the woman and focus on dd. I would simply ask dd to elaborate on what she has just been saying before interrupted as if there had been no interruption, perhaps with a secretive eye roll to let her know I thought the woman silly.

Freeze is a normal response to a situation like this. You could have said something and it escalated which would be worse, but best to make your child aware they did nothing wrong. If you did want a comeback going forward something like “how rude” or “did you mean to be so rude?” Would be fine.

In this situation, she was being aggressive and I would have just said: "you do not speak to my daughter like that" in a firm tone.

To me it's about setting boundaries rather than engaging with them or trying to educate them about their rudeness (either they know they are, or they might have a mental illness).

I hate confrontation and I know how it feels to only think of a response after the event, because you’ve been so shocked by the rudeness. A stock response going forward to say to your daughter & to be said in front of the nasty person:

‘(name) your manners are lovely, sadly there are some very rude people, we just ignore it and don’t dignify it with a response. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong, and if you ever did mummy would talk to you about it. You absolutely pay no attention to rude strangers’.