To feel let down by my partner

[catlady1567]

So I’ve been having a difficult time with my anxiety due to work related stress this last week or so. My partner of 4 years (we don’t live together) has in this time had a day off work last week because he was apparently so worried about me that he couldn’t sleep. He visited me briefly on Friday for a few hours to check in on me and then since Friday pm I have spiralled and have been alone in my flat all weekend. He’s had his daughter to look after at his home since Friday until next Monday and has now gone to visit his sister and mum with his daughter for a few days. Last night I had a huge panic attack and I phoned him. His solution was to tell me to phone Samaritans. We are in the process of buying a house together. Has he let me down? I feel very very sad.

Most definitely. And not one I would want to be around either. Op should you even consider moving in with someone when you sound very fragile. You are expecting far too much and he will soon get tired of this.

Was wanting to say this.

If I were him I would be running for the hills

Where’s your own child in all of this?

Where does it say she has a child?

There's a suggestion of a kid in the other thread.

OP you're asking too much. This isn't a one off where you spiral and want to be rescued or your bloke chooses between you and his kid.

You need to stop, he's not running because he's had enough. Be proactive in sorting out your anxiety yourself.

I'd probably not go ahead in buying a house. This relationship isnt for keeps.

He had his daughter

it also sounds like you’re at the point that you need professional help.

I don’t think he’s let you down. He came to you and took time off work. I would expect him to bring a child around someone having a MH episode.

I am sorry you’re having a hard time and I hope you get help

In the gentlest way OP, YABU.
He had to look after his daughter!
And he’s not a therapist, so he directed you to an agency with experts who can help.

Sorry op but this is a you problem.
You are asking to much in this situation.

I live with a panic disorder and other issues have done for years.
Its down to me to do what I can to help me, its not down to others or their responsibility to baby sit me, or drop what they are doing, because im in a panic.
Sorry if that sounds harsh.

And yes I've rang crisis lines when I've gone in full panic no shame in it.
But it got better when I started to help myself.
Claire weekes is a life saver to read or listen to.
I have other gadgets that MN would laugh at, but it helps me, and im not relying on others to do it.

Rightly he’s put his child first, however yanbu in the fact he is providing little support, to take a day off becasue he could t sleep as he was worried about you, but actually provided little support

I would not be moving in with him

Sorry op but he was in the right to put his daughter first. I would not put my kids in a situation of being around someone having a mental health crisis neither.
You are asking to much of him. It’s not his responsibility to babysit you. Use the crisis helplines, I have in the past and they are great.

@catlady1567 won't be back

Just to clarify he didn’t come to me - he stayed at his house and had a day off. I’ll seek the help. Thanks all

You stated in your OP he came to yours for a few hours on Friday, stuck to the truth.
Your MH crisis is not for your DP to fix, there is no way any parent would expose their child to it.

Yeah he had the day off on the Tuesday.

He's not on the thread. It's still a valid point to make.

He visited me briefly on Friday for a few hours to check in on me

He’s had his daughter to look after at his home since Friday until next Monday

Did you call the Samaritans? Have you got other help for your anxiety issues? He can't fix you and you can't focus on blaming him for what you're suffering. Agree with others that you shouldn't move in with him, not until you've got yourself on an even keel. You'll only take your issues with your and get worse as neither of you will have any space and his DD will have to witness the problems.

Kindly, I think you need to sort your anxiety before committing to buying any property with him. He may be feeling anxiety about buying property with you which is understandable.

Kindly, It’s not his job to be your therapist, especially when he has his daughter to look after. Speaking from experience, it is incredibly hard to take care of someone experiencing a mental health crisis. You need help from a professional and time off work, but ultimately you need to take care of yourself. He can support you, but it isn’t his job to take care of you.

I’m reading this that the OP’s partner was so worried about her that he took last Tuesday off work but remained in his own home. He’d had little sleep. Then on Friday he came over to spend time with OP prior to having his daughter for an extended period.

OP, this sounds miserable for you but he can’t neglect his daughter to have lengthy phone calls about your anxiety. I can see why he suggested The Samaritans and also why you feel abandoned. Do you have any other support?

Last night I had a huge panic attack and I phoned him. His solution was to tell me to phone Samaritans

What would you have liked him to do instead? He went away to visit his mum and sister which suggests he is not in the immediate area. Did you think he should have left his daughter in the middle of the night and drive over to your house? Of course it is perfectly acceptable to suggest someone calls Samaritans when you are miles away from them and you are not a trained MH professional or volunteer and can't provide any sort of assistance.

This.

And I do think it’s important even for a live-in partner to recognise when they just simply cannot provide appropriate support. Even with the best of intentions a lot of damage can be done trying to help someone when you haven’t got the experience or ability to do so.

No, he has not let you down.

You made a relationship with a man who has a child, and that child's safety and security will always have to come first.

I am really sorry you feel so bad but he was right, you nees to call the Samaritans or your local hospital crisis team if you are feeling very unwell.

You need to be careful not to veer into using your mental health to make him do what you want. The moment you say "I'm suicidal, you need to come", even if true, you will have stepped into being emotionally abusive and your relationship is unlikely to get past that.

I think you need to end things OP.

Maybe you need someone who will always prioritise you -and I get that - but someone with a child can’t do that.