To think we need a "label' in addition to SEND?

[ParentsToBlame]

I've name changed as I work in education and don't want this to bite me on the arse.

I feel like we're moving towards needing a "label" for children who are let down by parents and aren't functioning at an expected level as a result. Not those with SEN but those who just aren't being raised properly.

This includes, but there's more..

Children who aren't put to bed at a decent time and are too tired to cope at school

Children who can't eat with cutlery / use the toilet simply because they've not been taught to

Children who struggle to manage anxiety, not because they have an anxiety disorder but because parents say they "have anxiety" and don't support them with coping strategies

Children who are overweight because their parents feed them a poor diet, not because they have genuine ARFID etc

The list is endless. Schools haven't got the time or funding to deal with SEN etc but staff increasingly have to deal with these things in addition.

They dont need to be "needs" but Children are genuinely disadvantaged due to poor parenting. I totally accept that this is sometimes due to inability to parent, rather than willful want to do harm to their child's development

I'm absolutely not a perfect parent. My 14 year old is currently shovelling crisps down his neck and watching YouTube (he has however played 2 hours of footy today and has done all his homework) He'll be off to bed in 10 minutes

It's called neglected.

'SEMH' is an already existing label that would cover this.

Pfft. The issues you describe warrant something more thoughtful than just giving a judgemental label.

No. It's already far too common for parenting to be blamed when children do in fact have SEND. A lot of parents of send children (especially neurodivergent ones) have experienced this. If this 'new label' happened even more children would go without the support they need when a school prefer to blame the parents.

How are you going to work out who has a "real" issue and who is just poorly parented?

Bear in mind that the first theories of autism blamed the mothers. And it can take years to get a diagnosis of any "real" issues.

I think i may have been clumsy.

I don't mean so the children don't get support - more that they should get it. With a different approach to send children.

SureStart centres used to support with this but most are long gone.

Actually, we could just diagnose children whose parents can't afford a private diagnosis with poor parenting. That seems a simple way to sort them into the two groups.

I teach older teens so see it from a different side rather than looking for signs. It's conversations.

Kids whose parents buy them multiple pints of energy drinks a day. Those who don't have toothbrushes at home or go to the dentist when they need to.

I know 16 year old kids who wear £200 trainers but don't have a toothbrush.

There's not much point saying that you can work out who is what at 16. How are you going to find them at 2 and target interventions then.

What would the new label actually do for kids? One gets support because they have “SEND” through no fault of anyone and the other gets labelled with having feckless parents? How is that going to help anyone? And what about kids like mine who were failed by their birth parents and are significantly impacted by this despite stable, loving care in adoption? We know it as developmental trauma, but it’s down to poor parenting in their early years.

And what about parents who really struggle for a period and then manage to parent well, with the support they need. Are their kids forever labelled as “offspring of feckless parents”?

I think "virtual autism" (delayed speech etc due to too much screen time and not enough parental interaction) needs to be talked about more. Studies also show attention spans can be reduced by screens, so that could be "virtual ADHD"?

Parents will go nuts if they're suggested though...

Virtual autism is not a thing. You wouldn’t get an autism diagnosis for delayed speech.

The anxiety epidemic is a massive issue (often a huge factor in ebsa) and parenting plays a huge part.

Children feel safe knowing mummy & daddy are in charge. Mummy and daddy have responsibility for the big choices.

Children need mummy & daddy to reassure them confidently that the monster under the bed is just their imagination, not to spray the room with stuff "to keep it away".

Children don't really want to be in control! Its terrifying! They want mummy and daddy to be in control.

All these kids with anxiety have had their every crazy toddler feeling validated, have been given so much control over their choices that it's like a passenger being handed the joystick on a plane, of course they are anxious.

At the same time there are people who don't let a sensible 9 year old walk 3 mins to a corner shop or call on a friend who lives down the road.

Children need small risks and age appropriate independence but they need us to be securely in control.

People need to recognise their own parenting is contributing to their kids anxiety.

My same point still stands. If you're blaming parenting when they actually have SEND, the support won't be the right support.

Not providing your child with a toothbrush or dental care is just called neglect, it already exists as a concept - I don’t think any more “labels” are helpful.

I’d add I was one of those parents with a child who was in nappies until 4, ate a terrible diet, still had baby bottles at 5, had rampant anxiety, didn’t go to bed until late etc etc etc. He wasn’t immediately obviously autistic and he wasn’t actually diagnosed as autistic until mid primary school though, so exactly what “label” would you put on him? I had the privilege of being an educated, articulate, middle class, white, non-disabled, English as first language, financially comfortable, happily married, SAH parent with an ability to navigate the system - so to my knowledge nobody ever questioned whether my child’s problems or behaviour was my fault. I am aware of multiple children at the same school with much less privileged backgrounds whose parents were under the microscope when it turned out actually there were very significant SEND. I don’t think your suggestion would have improved matters for those children.

What would the new label actually do for kids?

It could open up some different therapies & interventions via school where parents are not managing.

This came up in the staffroom today. A child requested Exam Access Arrangements. When my colleague sat to discuss it with them they wanted

• Monster, not water in the exam room
• Later start as they don't sleep well and might be late (Monster related?)
• Blue paper (this one we can do) not dyslexic, they've been assessed. They just prefer it and Mum says she's entitled to it *Private room and a reader as she doesn't like reading and Mum says she shouldn't have to

We can't submit these as EAAs but these aren't one off requests.

This generation of parents are spectacularly failing their kids. There are so many more kids suffering compared to previous, but people don’t want to see, recognise or acknowledge it. And parents refuse to take any responsibility for it. It’s always something or someone else to blame. It’s very sad to see.

The issues is these parents genuinely think they are doing the best possible thing for their child validating their every feeling, giving them every choice known to man, shielding them from any discomfort or challenge. Despite the outcome being clearly bad.

Its almost a gross distortion of neglect, a farcical reverse, the damage is done through caring excessively about your child's emotions to the point they are allowed to rule over everything.

It's not just speech, a whole range of autism-like issues can be caused.

And no, it's not officially recognised (yet - I think it will need to be eventually, as cases rise) but there are lots of articles and studies about it. It seems to be discussed more in other countries.

There are already mechanisms to access parenting support, how does labelling kids make that more available or accessible? And who’s going to sit down with parents and explain that school believe their parenting is actively harming their kids?

Such as ?

Ever heard of Google? (other search engines are available)

So how would a “feckless parent” label help in that situation? What would it give you that you don’t already have access to?

So how would labelling the teenager “not raised properly” make any difference? Presumably in both cases you’d have said those arrangements aren’t possible. How would antagonising the parent by telling them their child is just poorly parented improve things?

I can completely understand the frustration around exam arrangements- but I don’t think your suggestion helps.