To think we need a "label' in addition to SEND?

[ParentsToBlame]

I've name changed as I work in education and don't want this to bite me on the arse.

I feel like we're moving towards needing a "label" for children who are let down by parents and aren't functioning at an expected level as a result. Not those with SEN but those who just aren't being raised properly.

This includes, but there's more..

Children who aren't put to bed at a decent time and are too tired to cope at school

Children who can't eat with cutlery / use the toilet simply because they've not been taught to

Children who struggle to manage anxiety, not because they have an anxiety disorder but because parents say they "have anxiety" and don't support them with coping strategies

Children who are overweight because their parents feed them a poor diet, not because they have genuine ARFID etc

The list is endless. Schools haven't got the time or funding to deal with SEN etc but staff increasingly have to deal with these things in addition.

They dont need to be "needs" but Children are genuinely disadvantaged due to poor parenting. I totally accept that this is sometimes due to inability to parent, rather than willful want to do harm to their child's development

I'm absolutely not a perfect parent. My 14 year old is currently shovelling crisps down his neck and watching YouTube (he has however played 2 hours of footy today and has done all his homework) He'll be off to bed in 10 minutes

or maybe it just shows your ignorance around why ss might be involved with a family with disabled children.

Yes. Every word of this.

There are capable, intelligent, fully engaged parents supporting their SEN children, and there are many who, for whatever reason, lack the capacity to fight for appropriate support, or even really understand their child's needs. I've often said that if the system is this hard for a parent like me to navigate (educated, reasonably affluent, value education, my child has all the love, attention and support that she needs), then what a frightening prospect for children who have none of that.

Just this morning I've spent two hours annotating correspondence from the LA and providing evidence as to why they're in breach of their S19 duties. I've spent days writing and speaking to CAMHS, the LA, my child's senco and headteacher, my MP etc. I've spent days and days (and nights, too, when i can't sleep for worry) learning the 'system' and which levers and buttons to push and pull, how things work (or invariably don't work). We've exhausted all parent led workshops, one to ones, various interventions, and online forums. We've read pages and pages of books. It is like wading through treacle, every day. And that's all happening alongside holding down a job.

Seriously, how many parents are able to advocate effectively for their children in a system that is completely stacked against them?

Social work will be involved with children with disabilities, and providing nursery or childcare places is the earliest type of intervention for children both to support their development, provide a framework for assessment of need and to give mum some respite. Why do you think a child being moved to specialist provision is a sign of poor parenting or a negative?

Your work colleague told you his DC are non verbal as his wife is too busy or her phone?

@DorcasLanesOneWeaknessI have had ‘mum appears anxious’ when displaying normal levels of concern. So overreacting. But in crisis situations have been considered to be under reacting when blocking out emotions to keep a cool head. My son is autistic in all situations. That doesn’t stop me being judged in all situations.

OP I understand you are frustrated when you see older teens learning impacted by neglect. But in the current climate of underfunding and delayed diagnosis and lack of support post diagnosis with mainstream schools left to cope with relatively severe learning difficulties this can be twisted to support a view that SEN is primarily a result of parental neglect.

In the main parents of DC with SEND and neglectful parents are chalk and cheese due to the level of admin and ongoing engagement with school and LA required. Goes well beyond the level of engagement required for the average NT child with average parents.

Well I was labelled a rubbish parent before my son was diagnosed with autism at the age of 3. He has always had trouble falling asleep and until the age of 5 was going to sleep between 9 and 10pm at night with bedtime taking 2 to 3 hours - he could not fall asleep, never has been able to despite me trying everything. Finally he was prescribed melatonin and now sleeps for an extra 2 to 2.5 hours per night and his behaviour has improved dramatically.
We actually took a parenting course run by a psychologist after his diagnosis and regularly see one as well as occupational therapist but often from outside perspective when my son is having a meltdown, others are quick to label us as bad parents.
At times DS has looked disheveled - he refused to have his hair cut for 9 months, has always had sensory issues around hair washing, cut hair touching his skin.....I've always cut it myself but it takes alot of prep to convince him. He also refused teeth brushing until the age of 4 but we forcibly did it. Some children might look like they're poorly parented but have undiagnosed additional needs.

Absolutely this. Can't emphasize enough. Seen it so often. It's worse if you are black, disabled, poor, single parent or any combination of those.

Seen it from school side, parent side (as a parent of disabled children who has been to lots of groups/training with other parents)

I agree with want you are saying but what is the point in giving a label if the support and interventions aren’t there.

Maternity, health visiting, social work and services like sure start have been stripped back to the absolute bare bones. Where some of these issues may have been identified earlier previously and dealt with, or even just highlighted to parents, they are now discovered till nursery or school age.

In my opinion there is far too much trust in the whole system that parents are automatically doing the right thing. For example, I’m asked is your child registered with a dentist and attending checkups? All that is relying on me is saying yes and it’s never asked again. Why can’t my health visitor see on a system I am actually registered with a dentist and when the last check up was etc?

Potty training is a big one you see people moaning about kids going to school in nappies, yet my DD has been trained for almost a year and no health professional has ever asked me about it (we have seen a few in the past year due to hospital admissions etc) it’s like it’s not considered part of development. I have had friends who are really struggling with potty training and have reached out to their HV for advice and support, but let’s face it a lazy parent won’t bother.

I have found our private nursery to be really supportive and helpful with general stuff like bringing along speech, getting DD to eat a bigger variety of foods and potty training. But if you aren’t accessing childcare then what help are you getting?

I have friends who are teachers and see kids who are never read to and must spend excessive times on screens, it’s clearly neglect but social work aren’t interested.

The whole system needs a shake up, there need to be much more resources and people keeping an eye on who is bothering to use them. If your child is being failed by you as a parent but you aren’t bothering to do anything about it then that is neglect and should be treated as such.

Social work are generally busy dealing with kids witnessing their mum getting battered, or who have no furniture, clothes or food in the house, or whose parents are drunk and incapable. A child not being read to with no other concerns wouldn’t even be on my radar, because most of the kids on social work case loads are in actual danger.

That is just a speech delay through neglect. That isn't autism.

How do you know it is because she is on her phone? My son is spoken to, read to and sang to. Still only says a few words at four. They might not be speaking due to their autism.

@MrsLizzieDarcy Ever thought the parents might be depressed because of the high needs of the children? It is very hard to parent an autistic toddler.

I agree with this- I also worry that there is a push to medicalise things like exam anxiety into something bigger. I say this as someone with ADHD themselves, and with my own children having additional needs.

France has a terrible track record with autism and it's rates are so low because of lack of knowledge paired with philosophical ideology.

Plus institutions.

And it doesn't look to me like there's a massive disparity in rates of autism between UK and Sweden. This claims in Sweden it is 2.8% www.theguardian.com/society/2026/feb/04/autism-women-men-diagnosis-childhood-adulthood

You are a teacher so have read KCSIE part 1 as we are all required to do each year, right? This has a label: neglect.

But is this a proper role for schools?

Schools are there to educate. Support over and above that (certainly my school offers some) is a bonus, not part of the core purpose.

Some of what we are seeing socially is the result of austerity cutbacks for the last 15 years.

Agree with this 5 pages in we have all got different perspectives on this but unless you have worked as a teacher you cant understand the pressure we are under. If indeed all these individual needs are to be met then schools will need to be provided with much more resources than teachers and support staff. Clearly we will need counsellors, play therapists, occupational therapists, speech and language therapists and even psychologists within easy regular access. A lot of the problems and solutions suggested here are well beyond the realm of a teacher. And this is the problem. Other professionals eg. Nurses are not expected to do several other roles as well.. something is going to have to give here whether this is parental expectation or government support or educational standards but we cannot possibly meet everyone's ever expanding needs in a class of 30..we absolutely want the best of every child but this is so challenging.

A lot of professionals are expected to do the jobs of nurses I've noticed. Or even doctors. So those professionals are all expected to multi task into other areas. Often it's admin of course. That's everywhere.

I think this would make the lives of children with SEN much harder and would likely delay diagnosis and support (why listen to parents if you can slap a label on their children that blames poor parenting?).

Surely the answer is to report signs of neglect and make sure early support is available long before they're 16 and asking for monster in exams?

Monster is a red herring. A lot of teens with undiagnosed ADHD self-medicate in this way. ADHD is caused by a dopamine deficiency. The caffeine acts as a simulant. Many people who have a Monster habit stop drinking it once they are effectively treated for their ADHD.

thank you for saying this!

I have been doing it for years with small amounts of Coca Cola through the day. Still trying to get meds but the process is very unfriendly to ADHD 😒

I'm talking 3 / 4 / 5 cans plus of Monster per day.

Packet of biscuits for breakfast is usual even though we provide free breakfast daily where i work.

I know of a kid who is probably secondary school age but doesn’t seem to go. I think he’s in training to be a second generation drug dealer. He’s got the stupid little man bag. Outrageous.