To think we need a "label' in addition to SEND?

[ParentsToBlame]

I've name changed as I work in education and don't want this to bite me on the arse.

I feel like we're moving towards needing a "label" for children who are let down by parents and aren't functioning at an expected level as a result. Not those with SEN but those who just aren't being raised properly.

This includes, but there's more..

Children who aren't put to bed at a decent time and are too tired to cope at school

Children who can't eat with cutlery / use the toilet simply because they've not been taught to

Children who struggle to manage anxiety, not because they have an anxiety disorder but because parents say they "have anxiety" and don't support them with coping strategies

Children who are overweight because their parents feed them a poor diet, not because they have genuine ARFID etc

The list is endless. Schools haven't got the time or funding to deal with SEN etc but staff increasingly have to deal with these things in addition.

They dont need to be "needs" but Children are genuinely disadvantaged due to poor parenting. I totally accept that this is sometimes due to inability to parent, rather than willful want to do harm to their child's development

I'm absolutely not a perfect parent. My 14 year old is currently shovelling crisps down his neck and watching YouTube (he has however played 2 hours of footy today and has done all his homework) He'll be off to bed in 10 minutes

Why does this “issue” (ie neglect) have to be compared or referred to in terms of special educational and disability needs (SEND)? Children with SEND can’t help the fact that they are born with the conditions, nor can their parents.

Label was obviously the wrong term

I mean support, provided by a service that needs to be "invented" to cope with and help these kids.

They're missing out because of their home lives and it's not right. My wording is clumsy and I'm not trying to blame all parents.

To request support at work for students it needs to be for educational reasons / ehcp / esol. There's no box to tick to say they need the things I mean.

We do everything we can - free breakfast, we look for things we guide and chat and model behaviour but lots of this is massive stuff that needs real intervention. I don't mean 1 child in dozens, I mean multiple kids per class.

But these kids have additional needs - they're not defined by a disability but their needs aren't being met at home and they need things in addition to their peers.

They didn't choose their parents or upbringing.

I think I'd add this idea to the fad for blaming all behavioural issues on "trauma". I'm not saying that trauma isn't a thing, but I had to correct a headteacher when she said that all behavioural issues were all due to adverse childhood experiences.

I have a relatively difficult child, but could be confident that she hadn't experienced anything that would be considered to be traumatic. She now has various SEND diagnoses, with the benefit of hindsight there were signs of very early on. Maybe being ND in a NT world has been a bit traumatic, but the SEND isn't the consequence, but the cause.

Yep. I think some people would be shocked.

You can probably tell I'm feeling frustrated. Just today

I've seen a colleague make a lad some porridge because he missed the free breakfast.

Inappropriately hugged a boy that I'm unbelievably proud of because he's trying to give up energy drinks and is down to 2 a day

Re-booked an exam for a student who missed hers because her mam had made her wait in for her Asos delivery, knowing her daughter had an exam

Had yet another discussion about how exam anxiety is a normal emotion and chatting about ways to deal with it

Spoke to countless students about headphone use, phone use etc whose parents say they're allowed to use them in class

Honourable mention for the parents who have never read to or encourage reading with their children. Doesn’t matter if they weren’t read to themselves as children, we know better these days!

this attitude is why human progress is slower than it could be.

Of course it makes a difference if people were brought up one way or another.

So where does one draw the line then? At some point you need to take accountability! If baby group/ crèche workers, nursery, health visitors and school are telling you the importance of reading then who is to blame?

@SuzyFandango I think you have perpetrated one of the greatest, most damaging myths that many parents of children with SEND find themselves battling. "Mum is anxious," is an incredibly undermining observation, frequently made by professionals who ought to know better. In my role, we recognise that SEND in children and young people often makes it's first appearance in educational settings as 'anxiety'. This shouldn't be surprising; who wouldn't be anxious when they realise they're not longer keeping up with peers, or are struggling with things that others appear able to do with ease? And by the time parents are called in to discuss an issue, or by the time parents initiate contact with the education setting, very likely following a change of behaviour in their CYP, or a disclosure of worry and unhappiness at school, why are we surprised if a parent appears anxious too? It is the most natural thing in the world.

And FWIW, one of my DC developed significant anxiety at one point, despite me working with this stuff, developing resources and supporting families, and generally being a very relaxed, pragmatic person, who is absolutely not afraid to keep a firm hand on the tiller while also encouraging my child to take considered risks, in a pretty good balance. And seeing DC's distress as the wheels began to come off, despite our very best intentions, definitely made me feel a bit anxious too.

For staff room use only - PNAS (Parents Need A Slap) 😉

Presumably their parents didn't choose their parents or upbringing either.

Don't know how labelling and judging helps anyone, other than making you feel better.

It's hard work being understanding and many people suddenly run out. Maybe that's where you are.

Cutely naive.

How do you do the reading if you struggle to read yourself? Or you work nights? Or you're low level drunk? Or you have mental health issues?

'Accountability' just means 'pretend no one has persistent problems'.

There’s a plethora of support services for parents who for whatever reason can’t/don’t parent. From parenting classes for different ages, stages and needs of children through to intensive family support services that go in and literally parent alongside the parents. It’s not that services don’t exist it’s that they’re so under resourced only the most challenging situations reach the threshold of involvement. Add to that parents who don’t engage, because they don’t need parenting support, the parenting classes aren’t great (true in some cases), or they can’t attend due to work or caring commitments (also true in some cases) I’m not sure what would fill that gap.

The reality is it’s very hard to make a material difference to children if parents are still not parenting, and it’s nearly impossible to persuade parents they need to change.

Only have to read MN every day to see how some parents are parenting its shocking.

Most just use the word he or she i or them have SEN of somesort.
Like its a get out of parenting card, their be saying their pets have SEN next.

Sorry my dog bit your leg he has SEN.
You are right op to many use a lable now.

Had yet another discussion about how exam anxiety is a normal emotion and chatting about ways to deal with it Surely that's a normal part of your job?!

Inappropriately hugged a boy that I'm unbelievably proud of because he's trying to give up energy drinks and is down to 2 a day Why are you hugging anyone "inappropriately?

They didn't choose their parents or upbringing no but you want to label them/single them out for some reason.

I think schools do what they can tbh, but as a society we do underestimate the impact of things like generational trauma, poverty, health inequalities, where you live, access to green spaces, other ACES, and so on. Not everything is shit parenting. There are genuinely shit parents ofc, but a lot of issues stem from general societal problems and those aren't easy things to solve.

I’m not naive. I grew up with an alcoholic parent who was in and out of prison, and I experienced abuse and neglect as a child. Despite that, I chose to do better for my own children.
I didn’t say the parent couldn’t read; I said they choose not to read to their child.

Well done for breaking the cycle. But you know that it isn't easy to do.

So you do understand why people don't do it.

Parents don’t have a guidebook on how to deal with anxiety.

some of this is neglect - the toothbrushing thing has been around for decades now and is largely pervasive and known about in society,

the level of anxiety in kids is not, and there is very little support out there for parents of kids who say they are anxious. What are you supposed to do? Nobody knows.

I do not understand why parents do not read to their young children in 2026, no. And I say this with 2 disabled children, one with a learning disability. The only excuse is primary parent having a cognitive disability themselves.

Most parents do their best. Their best may not be good enough, or may be dysfunctional, but the majority of parents don't want to be bad parents.

If a parent had a poor education, then they won't feel that they are in a strong position to help their child.

None of this is helped by people making them feel inadequate.

All 3 of my girls have SEND. 2 of them weren't properly diagnosed until secondary school (both now go to a special school). I remember vividly listening to a parent say 'Would you like to go to the library on the way home to choose a new book?', as her beautifully presented, complaint children trotted along beside her. I was just praying that I could get my children to the car safely.

We don't need more labels. We need more understanding.

You can see it everywhere and it is easy to understand. The social science research is extensive. We can all understand it. Every single person who can read can read the research.

Humans are human is the reason.

We can agree to disagree - I respect the empathy you have.

Allllll this ! So much of a narrative of current parenting is giving children choices and listening to their voice etc. Which on paper is lovely but children need security and boundaries and dont want to always choose. As a teacher we have children coming to nursery and parents who won't just support their child to just come in . Instead will leave or not turn up because child doesn't want to come. These children are always completely fine once in the door but we are the worst in the world if we suggest the child just comes in. This is apparently exacerbating anxiety and schoool based avoidance. These are 3/4 year olds. Honestly 99.9% of the time they are fine once reassured and really enjoy their day. Parents need to remove some of these choices and be in charge sometimes.