To not want my partner to be an anonymous sperm donor?

[BamBamPadam]

We’ve been together a few years, own a home together and I’m in my 2nd trimester of pregnancy.

Early in our relationship my partner told me he was considering doing sperm donation for a bit of pocket money/fun money. He had a holiday coming up at the time and wanted some spends. He had decided to ask my opinion before going ahead with it which I really appreciated as we were aiming for a long-term relationship at the time. I said I wasn’t personally comfortable with it as it felt like a huge thing to be doing just for some pocket money. I also was quite honest and open by the fact that the thought of a load of other women being pregnant with his offspring was weird to me and would put a dampener on the relationship. He understood and binned off the idea.

His best friend who is a single man and doesn’t plan on having his own kids (he spends half the year in Thailand and loves the bachelor life) has recently donated sperm and has been encouraging my partner to do it. Both on the basis of a bit of extra money and to “help people”. My partner has slowly been coming around to the idea and has mentioned to me he’d like to look into an anonymous donation again.

I told him I wasn’t comfortable with it. I don’t want to worry about my child having random siblings everywhere. I don’t want any random strangers who resemble my partner joining us for Sunday dinner in 18 years expecting him to step up and be their dad. And then on a slightly more unreasonable note - I don’t like the idea of other women being pregnant with his baby! I’m not usually a possessively jealous type and I know it’s very common to have children with more than one person and that’s normal nowadays. But I am otherwise in a really happy relationship with him and I feel like having children by him should be something that only I get the “privilege” of whilst we’re in a relationship? I don’t know if that makes sense. I think that’s a relatively normal thing to feel whilst pregnant isn’t it? If he had an older child with an ex partner it’d be different of course but the thought of other women being pregnant by him whilst I’m raising his newborn…it just freaks me out even though no cheating would’ve occurred. It just feels so wrong on a primal level. Maybe I’m just hormonal, I don’t know. I can understand people like his mate being donors but I don’t get why you’d do it if you have your own famil.

He hasn’t been nasty about my feelings but says I’m being overly sensitive about the emotional aspect of it and he doesn’t see why I’d feel jealousy towards any women that end up the recipient of his sperm. He also says the extra money will be useful for stuff for our baby. He says he’ll consider my feelings but that he will still go ahead with it if he wants too whether I like it or not.

I just hate hate hate the whole idea of it and I am so angry that he wants to risk upsetting me and bringing a load of resentment into our relationship for the sake of a few hundred quid (maximum).

I'd be interested in his reaction if you suggested he donate plasma instead. It fulfils all of his stated goals for the sperm donation while avoiding all of the downsides you raised. And you can do it as often as every two weeks if you meet the criteria.

Tell him you’ll consider surrogacy for extra cash once the baby is born.

Breeding fetish would be my first assumption too. Thailand visiting single mate as well.

It's less than £50 reimbursement per visit, not even per donation @BamBamPadam.

I'd be suspicious he was planning to meet women online to share his fetish if he tried to convince you he was being paid.

It's a terrible idea. I don't agree with sperm donation. But in your case it's an absolute no way. How can he even think this is ok. Tbh I would end the relationship. I couldn't be with somebody who thought in this way.

Ooh I like this 🤗 , definitely suggest this , see what he says.

I didn’t even know you could still get paid for sperm donation in the UK, but apparently, you can. It’s £45. Is he really that hard up for holiday beer money? Could he not just not go out for a month? Surely, a night out is like £50 for one person. Just watch a film at home and eat a frozen pizza for a few weeks. Less complicated than taking the risk your child will inadvertently have a baby with their half sibling one day. 😳

Yes, it’s a huge red flag and this is also the first place my mind went. OP, this would give me the ick majorly and if he didn’t stop discussing it and put it to bed, might be enough to torpedo the entire relationship. You are not even slightly unreasonable here.

I don’t think he should be taking advice from a friend ‘who lives the bachelor life in Thailand’ 🤮

LOL it’s not the same thing

Only if his dna was put on the list surely?

You dont get paid for sperm if you donate to NHS, you can be compensated up to £45 for travel and time costs (dont know if you need travel receipts) surely he could sell some clothes on vinted for spends?!?! Yanbu

You’re not unreasonable in your feelings, I’d feel the same.

It’s a tricky one because as others have said legally in the UK you only get a small payment for expenses, usually £35-50 ish, so it’s certainly not a big earner- this is if you do it all above board and via a licensed clinic etc which is really important for everyone’s safety and also ensures he has no legal responsibility for the child, although they will get his details and could choose to contact him at 18.

That said, there are still ways it is done in the UK in a sort of “back street” way where more money is paid. Lots of facebook pages and websites etc of women, particularly the pages for single mum’s by choice, who are seeking a specific person/look/genetics and they do pay the bigger amounts of money for donations. I work with a woman who did this and although this was about 3 years ago as her child is nearly 2 I remember her saying she paid around £400 per donation and she also paid for a hotel room as the donor would go in first and leave his “sample” and she would then go in and do her bit. It’s not legal but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. There are obviously risks to do it this way though that massively outweigh the financial benefit for the donor as well as the woman involved. Doing it that way is risky if for no other reason for a man than that he can be considered the legal father of that child.

I can’t imagine you donate twice in one visit as they say when your trying to conceive don’t be doing it close in time to allow sperm to regroup (can’t think of right word)

£45 is paltry and not worth it

Excellent chap to be having a baby with …

And there is no screening!!!

' but that he will still go ahead with it if he wants too whether I like it or not.'

and that sums it all up really !

It would be for me, too, and frankly I think you should tell him so. Donate and leave because it will be over, or respect both you and your children (as they have rights too).

Oh no, there’s no way I could be with someone who thought like this.
your feelings are really valid OP.
yes, there are some odd reasons why people donate. I worked with a bloke who donated sperm. He was sacked for having images on his phone. I feel for any children he fathered!

Wow that’s so weird!! Anonymous was weird enough but wtf! I’d have to split with someone wanting to do this.

From memory I think he got something like £600 but he had to go about 10 times to the clinic and there were a bunch of tests to do on him and the samples - most men apparently don't pass these. Although he was over 40 at the time and his father had had cancer (not at a young age though), which wasn't an issue unlike for a pp. They also had to be satisfied as to his motivations which in his case were altruistic.

So it's not a very easy or lucrative thing to do! I don't mind at all the idea of another woman/family out there using his DNA but totally understand why others would mind. And I'd be incredibly disappointed if he had contemplated going ahead if I had doubts.

It doesn’t really matter in the UK if you’re doing it through official channels anyway because all donor conceived children are entitled to access their donors identifying information when they reach 18 should they want it.

He sounds like a character from Men Behaving Badly 🤭 I'm sorry but I couldn't take him seriously at all. He sounds like an idiot.

I think this is wrong on so many levels. As others have said, he doesn't get paid, just expenses.

I have one DD through sperm donation and another on the way; I have spent more time than most looking at sperm donors' profiles. Reputable UK sperm banks have people who include a good amount of info about themselves. Typically you get people writing something like 'My wife and I were struggling to conceive so we hope this helps your family' or 'Family is really important to me and I've thought hard about this' or whatever (and then, usually, tons of detail around that). Yes, there's the odd person who you do wonder about as they don't seem terribly invested.

But quite obviously, the vast majority of them have been told that they will be contactable by any potential children in years to come, and they've thought hard about how to communicate how they feel about that.

My DD's sperm donor wrote us a really lovely message that made me feel he was a thoroughly decent guy. It mentions his family and how they came to the decision.

I really can't see your partner getting through a screeing process TBH. I think a clinic would very quickly suss that he had no idea what he was doing. And if he did get through, who on earth would choose donor sperm from someone who seems only to want the money?

The fact that he waited until you were trapped by pregnancy to bring this back up would make me think that this wasn’t just about making more money. Especially given the lack of research. I’d be more inclined to believe that this is something more sinister going on and he’s one of those guys that gets off on the thought of lots of offspring.