AIBU to expect DH to replace my ruined jumper(s)

[PILinOz]

I love the feel and look of cashmere and wool jumpers but cannot justify paying full price. Instead I scour TK Maxx and Vinted for bargains.
Over the past few years I have managed to find and buy myself a few lovely pieces at a heavy discount. My lovely mother-in-law also bought me a lovely cashmere jumper last Christmas.

My husband has managed to ruin all of them by just shoving them in with the regular laundry. They’ve all shrunk and felted. Each time his reaction to this has been to go “Oops, my bad, sorry” and kind of shrug his shoulders and that was the end of it.

A couple of weeks ago I found a lovely, BNWT wool/cashmere blend jumper on Vinted for £20. The original price tag was £125. I wore it and put it in the laundry basket. A few days later DH announces he’s going to do some laundry. I warn him that a few of my newly purchased work items are in there and not to touch them please. Later on he comes to tell me that he’s really sorry but he’s only gone and completely ruined my new cashmere jumper. He apologises profusely. I tell him I’m really upset. This is the about the 4th time he’s done this and I specifically told him not to touch my stuff. More apologising. He seems genuinely sorry for once

Later on I find him scrolling the internet to find a replacement. Of course he can’t find the exact same one as it came from Vinted and isn’t current season, but he finds something similar by the same brand and offers to buy it. It costs £165

Here is where I may be unreasonable. We earn roughly the same and pool all our finances into our joint account. I cannot justify using £165 of family money for a jumper. That just seems wild to me. I tell him this and he gets annoyed. I try to explain that spending £165 of our money to rectify his mistake isn’t fair. That I spend my time and effort to find these items and only purchase them at a price we can realistically afford. He thinks that I should just go out and buy new replacement jumpers at full price as we have the money. As far as he is concerned he has offered a solution which I am rejecting so that’s the end of it.

I brought it up again yesterday and said again that I think it’s totally unfair that he’s now ruined 4 of my nice jumpers and has no intention of putting in any effort to replace them. He looked incredulous and said “What, are you really expecting me to go through the rails at TK Maxx or join Vinted to find replacements?” I said I didn’t think it was such an unreasonable request and why should the burden of finding a solution to a problem he caused by his repeated carelessness, fall to me? He told me I was massively overreacting and he’s done talking about it. AIBU? Yes: it’s just a few jumpers, get over it and move on. No: DH should use his time and effort to source suitable replacements that won’t cost the family a fortune.

He tried to buy them, but apparently all his money is family money and OP put her foot down and would not let him

Why? It's just petty and mean. Then they need to replace more clothing. He's also trying to do the right thing, even if OP considered it "too little, too late".

It's not necessarily about doing something wrong, people make mistakes. It's about the lack of thought, care and consideration multiple times when it is something so simple.

I’m the same as you. Everything goes in the bin together. Then prior to putting on a load, the items are removed and sorted according to colour/fabric type/what temperature. Every item passes through my hands and is given a mental check as to how best to wash it. Similar items are grouped together in a pile and put in the machine. I’d never just grab out an armful and fire it straight in. If something is being washed for the first time, the care label is checked.

Really. While he’s working extra hours to buy a jumper that there’s money in their bank account already to pay for it, the OP would then be at home taking care of their children and cooking the dinner herself after a day at work. Or he works a Saturday morning to pay for the jumper while the OP has to get op and bring her children to various activities.

Or selling something of his to pay for it - the mind boggles.

Do you really think like this? Ruining a few things by accident means they dont give a shit about you? Your partner and children must be walking on eggshells.

I would keep my washing away from him and tell him just to do his own.

Of course they do, but you could accuse the OP of exactly the same by continuing to put delicates in the basket. They are two different systems (i.e. does stuff get sorted pre-basket or pre-machine) but why does OP get to dictate which one is right? I think it's common sense to separate pre-basket, and lots on here agree, but regardless their current way is not working, and that's on both of them.

It’s even simpler to not put your cashmere jumpers in the family laundry basket in the first place.

That's pretty common sense anyway. Why would you even put any luxury items into the normal laundry basket?
I'm washing all my wool and cashmere today ready to put away for next winter season and none of it has ever gone near a laundry basket. DH wouldn't have clue about what's what when it comes to wool and silk...that why I do all his luxury items too.
I'm team husband here.

She doesn't get to dictate but that doesn't mean that he can just shrug and ruin her jumpers either. If he wasn't happy with the laundry setup then he has had multiple opportunities to say something instead of just ruining clothes instead.

She didn’t say don’t wash any jumpers, she said she’s delicate stuff in there.

im sorry but I disagree with you, for me the laundry basket is everything that is going in the machine, anything to be hand washed is kept seperate, I am not going to go rooting through it checking whay can go in and whay can’t and I’d not expect my husband to,

and you’d think she’d have stopped doing it after the first time, but even 3 times later and she was still shoving the hand wash items in there.

‘what is it they say, the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

its not hard to keep hand wash delicates seperate.

Her DH might not have a clue what cashmere is and that it needs special treatment. My DH certainly wouldn’t and it certainly doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care about me.

No, mine would need to read the labels. And he’s shrunk his own before. There is no way I’d shove delicates in the wash basket, there is even a chance I’d pick it all up and shove it in without thinking.

I ve voted YABU because at the very first time he ruined one, he would be replacing it and I will buying a laundry basket with a lable that says wash by hand only.
I wouldn't wait that long.

OP has told him multiple times. Of course he knows.

DH should use his time and effort to source suitable replacements that won’t cost the family a fortune.

He won't do this, though. If (giving him the absolute most ridiculously generous benefit of the doubt) he is not capable of remembering or understanding not to wash wool in the washing machine, even after seeing the results of doing so many times and being specifically told not to touch specific items, then there's no way he'd be capable of recreating a collection like you had, sourced second hand and at deep discounts. The best you could ever hope for is to do the work yourself and get him to pay - and get a lock for your closet door and keep your laundry hamper inside it until YOU are ready to do your laundry.

Personally, I'd be replacing the husband rather than the sweaters, because it seems almost certain that he does it deliberately, even if "only" to get out of doing his share once you see it's more trouble than benefit to expect him to act like an adult and an equal partner. If it were NOT deliberate and really couldn't handle this ONE task, AND he cared at all that he was constantly doing damage to something you care about, he'd step away from doing the laundry altogether and pick up some other household tasks to make up for it if needed. Or perhaps he's willing to go to therapy to find out the source of his callous disregard, whether it's for you specifically or for everyone else who isn't him?

Why in earth do you put them in the laundry basket!? You're asking for trouble!

Why would you put it in the laundry basket in the first place? It’s too easy to accidentally pick it up with other things and shove in the machine

Sounds like he just empties in the basket rather than sort things individually. Silly but I must confess I am guilty of that too (I have my own laundry basket). That is why I never put anything delicate in there.

It is not ideal but honestly it sounds like it would be better to put your jumpers in a different basket. You shouldn't have to but at the end of the day it has happened 4 times and you are the one losing money and jumpers.

The reality is there is no point in him going to TK Maxx as clearly he does not know his fabric and would probably end up wasting money on some man made fiber. Again will he even know what to look for on vinted. Personally I would either get him to buy that jumper for you or else that he gives you a set amount of money to cover both the jumper and your time.

Yep, he knows and he doesnt give a shit.

OP you seem quite set on keeping things as they are but your DH not making the same mistake over and over. I really think you should consider that you could make a small change yourself (ie keeping your delicates separate) rather than continuing to buy expensive stuff and leave it where it routinely gets ruined.
Maybe your DH should be better, but honestly you know that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

It isn't actually very difficult or time-consuming to get cashemere on vinted. I know this because I do it myself. You just need to know now that you are "allowed" to buy another 4, and also that you can bump up your price ceiling to £30. This evening, sit down, pour a glass of something you like, put some nice music on, find some new ones, have some fun. You don't actually want him to do this for you. You want the ones that you've chosen.

And then (a) put them in the freezer as soon as they arrive because they may well host moth eggs (b) they only need washing about once a year or when you spill yoghurt down them (c) when they do need washing, yes put them in something different. You don't need a fancy new basket. I'd put them on the floor next to the basket, or you can just take them down and stick them straight into the washing up bowl for a quick hand wash.

Fair enough. Not something I have ever felt the need to save a few seconds on, but I don't do masses of laundry for teenagers.

Everyone has different ways of doing things, as this thread makes clear, but the household needs to agree on that...

What do all the strict pre-sorters do for tumble drying if they have a drier? Surely it doesn't all go in there? 😱

I think it’s setting him up for failure to keep putting cashmere in with the general laundry, and hoping he’ll notice in time. I wouldn’t put my own delicate jumpers in the laundry basket, because the risk of me accidentally chucking them into the wash would be too high.