AIBU to expect DH to replace my ruined jumper(s)

[PILinOz]

I love the feel and look of cashmere and wool jumpers but cannot justify paying full price. Instead I scour TK Maxx and Vinted for bargains.
Over the past few years I have managed to find and buy myself a few lovely pieces at a heavy discount. My lovely mother-in-law also bought me a lovely cashmere jumper last Christmas.

My husband has managed to ruin all of them by just shoving them in with the regular laundry. They’ve all shrunk and felted. Each time his reaction to this has been to go “Oops, my bad, sorry” and kind of shrug his shoulders and that was the end of it.

A couple of weeks ago I found a lovely, BNWT wool/cashmere blend jumper on Vinted for £20. The original price tag was £125. I wore it and put it in the laundry basket. A few days later DH announces he’s going to do some laundry. I warn him that a few of my newly purchased work items are in there and not to touch them please. Later on he comes to tell me that he’s really sorry but he’s only gone and completely ruined my new cashmere jumper. He apologises profusely. I tell him I’m really upset. This is the about the 4th time he’s done this and I specifically told him not to touch my stuff. More apologising. He seems genuinely sorry for once

Later on I find him scrolling the internet to find a replacement. Of course he can’t find the exact same one as it came from Vinted and isn’t current season, but he finds something similar by the same brand and offers to buy it. It costs £165

Here is where I may be unreasonable. We earn roughly the same and pool all our finances into our joint account. I cannot justify using £165 of family money for a jumper. That just seems wild to me. I tell him this and he gets annoyed. I try to explain that spending £165 of our money to rectify his mistake isn’t fair. That I spend my time and effort to find these items and only purchase them at a price we can realistically afford. He thinks that I should just go out and buy new replacement jumpers at full price as we have the money. As far as he is concerned he has offered a solution which I am rejecting so that’s the end of it.

I brought it up again yesterday and said again that I think it’s totally unfair that he’s now ruined 4 of my nice jumpers and has no intention of putting in any effort to replace them. He looked incredulous and said “What, are you really expecting me to go through the rails at TK Maxx or join Vinted to find replacements?” I said I didn’t think it was such an unreasonable request and why should the burden of finding a solution to a problem he caused by his repeated carelessness, fall to me? He told me I was massively overreacting and he’s done talking about it. AIBU? Yes: it’s just a few jumpers, get over it and move on. No: DH should use his time and effort to source suitable replacements that won’t cost the family a fortune.

Might say that my DP has never ruined any of my cashmere jumpers because he ruined the one I gave him before we moved in together and so I've always ensured they are not put into something he will take things out of to wash! However moths have ruined a fair few. 2nd hand cashmere absolutely needs to go in the freezer.

😂😂😂

Sometimes wool items can be saved. Your DH should be spending his time looking up ways to rectify the damage to the jumpers if possible!!

Put your precious items to one side and wash them by hand yourself?

I accept that it’s my fault for putting the jumper in the basket. To clarify, my DH doesn’t do laundry that often. I wfh so tend to stick a load on during the day. Everything goes in the basket and I sort it and wash it. Hence thinking my new jumper was “safe” as he very likely wouldn’t be doing any laundry.
So when he came up and announced he was going to put a load on, I flagged to him that there was stuff in there not to touch (I had recently returned from a work trip, bought new stuff for going away and had emptied the “new” dirty laundry in the basket on my return)

So then why didn’t you go and get them out. Instead of asking him to root through it. That’s what I’d have done. This was clearly an error, but also on your part.

I’d get replacements and whatever of his that needed to be cut back on to fund it then so be it. No nice wine or golf for him for a few weeks etc. Hitting his pocket.

I truly do not believe you can tell what’s polyester/wool/cotton/cashmere from the split second as it passes through your hands (with a fistful of other clothes in my experience) into the washing machine. Unless you know the green jumper is a cashmere one, and then you spot the green jumper. But it’s entirely unreasonable to expect another human to take on the mental load of remembering what your clothes are made of.

Well this would only be equivalent if he was storing his guitars in the shower and OP forgot to take them out before her shower.

I can match this. My husband does all the laundry, always has.
He's shrunk three Cashmere jumpers and last week turned my new posh knickers grey ( from pink).
I've waited years to wear those knickers ( I was very fat) and he shoved them on acrylic with sweaty black sportswear.
He knows he's in my bad books.
I don't let him near my wired bras nor does the DD.

@PILinOz Since I’m not sure if you’ve seen people mention it, you’re likely washing your cashmere too much. It’s typically recommended to wash it every 8 wears or so.

I have a large array of cashmere that I live in all winter long and do my own laundry and I still keep it separate. If I didn’t I’m sure I’d accidentally have put one through with regular stuff by now. But then I’ve never heard of sorting through a mass of dirty laundry either.

Then prior to putting on a load, the items are removed and sorted according to colour/fabric type/what temperature. Every item passes through my hands and is given a mental check as to how best to wash it

Oh Jesus Christ who on earth has time to do this?!?!

The astonishingly few items I have that go into a normal wash but not the tumble dryer also go into the delicates wash pile. I will add them into a normal wash if appropriate but because I consciously add them in I remember to lift them out after the wash.

I wouldn’t expect anyone to else doing a normal load to identify these items or accommodate this.

Can I make a suggestion? We have two washing baskets - one normal laundry and one delicates. You need the same system. It’s too easy to make a mistake just putting it all in together. If he still managed to screw up then I would be expecting him to replace the jumpers.

That's not what I meant -- I certainly can tell what is knitted/a jumper with almost zero effort, and generally anything of that nature shouldn't be washed on a high heat or subjected full spin. Works fine for me.

https://youtube.com/shorts/xHSxAlQA9B4?si=9nfUeaWM-eooa_uv

I know several women who wouldn't have a clue either and wouldn't think to check.

And that’s great for you. 👏 but lots can’t, so what’s your point.

Can he hold down a job without making huge (repeated) fuck-ups at work? He can? Then he either a) DGAF or b) is doing it on purpose. Dealer’s choice.

There is men hating and there is this nonsense.

I don't think it's realistic to expect him to find suitable replacements on Vinted. He's unlikely to know exactly what to look for - it's not easy! He's tried buying you a replacement (yes, I know you said it is joint money, but still...) and you have said no.

Yes of course he shouldn't have messed them up in the first place, but it is a pretty easy mistake to make if as a family you machine wash some sweaters. He just isn't going to be as aware of them as you would be yourself.

My DH does all the laundry in our house. I barely know how to use the machine. If I have an item that really needs hand washing then I either make a point of bringing it to him separately and we put it on one side for when he is doing a delicates/hand wash, or I (rarely!) do it myself. Very occasionally we miss things and they get spoiled, but I just accept that as the cost of having him do all my laundry for me. It's not the end of the world!

Me 🙋Everything that goes in the laundry basket gets thrown straight into the washing machine. No way am I going through every item one by one and reading the instructions on them as the OP says she does😳

In that scenario, once DH mentioned he was going to do laundry, I’d have just got up and removed whatever I didn’t want him to wash. If I had said I was going to do laundry (not that I ever announce it) and DH said there were items in the basket that he wanted to hand wash I’d have asked him to go and remove whatever he didn’t want going in the machine.

Man hating? Lol. My DH might beg to differ on that. It’s OP’s DH who DGAF, or is dong it on purpose—not mine. 😂

You reminding him means you can't just forget it and know for a fact it'll be done. It's still open in a background tab in your brain.

I think that's what a lot of partners do not understand about the mental load.

Does he have to remind you about anything?