AIBU to expect DH to replace my ruined jumper(s)

[PILinOz]

I love the feel and look of cashmere and wool jumpers but cannot justify paying full price. Instead I scour TK Maxx and Vinted for bargains.
Over the past few years I have managed to find and buy myself a few lovely pieces at a heavy discount. My lovely mother-in-law also bought me a lovely cashmere jumper last Christmas.

My husband has managed to ruin all of them by just shoving them in with the regular laundry. They’ve all shrunk and felted. Each time his reaction to this has been to go “Oops, my bad, sorry” and kind of shrug his shoulders and that was the end of it.

A couple of weeks ago I found a lovely, BNWT wool/cashmere blend jumper on Vinted for £20. The original price tag was £125. I wore it and put it in the laundry basket. A few days later DH announces he’s going to do some laundry. I warn him that a few of my newly purchased work items are in there and not to touch them please. Later on he comes to tell me that he’s really sorry but he’s only gone and completely ruined my new cashmere jumper. He apologises profusely. I tell him I’m really upset. This is the about the 4th time he’s done this and I specifically told him not to touch my stuff. More apologising. He seems genuinely sorry for once

Later on I find him scrolling the internet to find a replacement. Of course he can’t find the exact same one as it came from Vinted and isn’t current season, but he finds something similar by the same brand and offers to buy it. It costs £165

Here is where I may be unreasonable. We earn roughly the same and pool all our finances into our joint account. I cannot justify using £165 of family money for a jumper. That just seems wild to me. I tell him this and he gets annoyed. I try to explain that spending £165 of our money to rectify his mistake isn’t fair. That I spend my time and effort to find these items and only purchase them at a price we can realistically afford. He thinks that I should just go out and buy new replacement jumpers at full price as we have the money. As far as he is concerned he has offered a solution which I am rejecting so that’s the end of it.

I brought it up again yesterday and said again that I think it’s totally unfair that he’s now ruined 4 of my nice jumpers and has no intention of putting in any effort to replace them. He looked incredulous and said “What, are you really expecting me to go through the rails at TK Maxx or join Vinted to find replacements?” I said I didn’t think it was such an unreasonable request and why should the burden of finding a solution to a problem he caused by his repeated carelessness, fall to me? He told me I was massively overreacting and he’s done talking about it. AIBU? Yes: it’s just a few jumpers, get over it and move on. No: DH should use his time and effort to source suitable replacements that won’t cost the family a fortune.

Honestly it's super annoying but I can't see a solution here except getting a separate washing basket and sourcing replacements yourself. Can't believe this happened 4 times before you both try something new.

There's 0 chance my husband would find something I'd like so it would be a wasted effort. Equally I could never do this for him, he has feelings about socks and I don't know what they are.

I think you should buy a second laundry basket that you discuss is for delicates only and maybe keep it in your bedroom.

Anything from our normal washing basket just gets put in the washing machine together at 30 or 40. We have a delicates- only basket that sits next to it and gets all the silk, wool items or dry clean only items that we need to get round to taking.

If he willing to take the hit, let him pay full price for new ones out of his money.

I wouldn't trust to him search out the correct type from vinted or TK maxx.

And keep them out of his reach so he can't ruin anymore.

If you pool finances, could he forgo something he would normally have spent that £160 on himself and buy the replacement jumpers? You're perfectly reasonable to feel frustrated at him repeatedly not listening, but I think making him scour the racks may not be the best solution. Do you trust him to not just buy the first thing he sees and for it not to be hideous? Also, tell him to pick up a second laundry basket next time he's at the shops.

It’s possible to restore the size of shrunk jumpers. Have you tried.
i have learnt after 20 years of marriage to keep anything I value well away from the washing machine and put it in personally.
Yes it’s not right or fair etc but it is what it is.

Same. We have a "hand wash" basket and anyone who puts those items in the "machine wash" basket gets to think about their actions.

Your husband is 100% a lazy / incompetent arse, but I would be pragmatic about the solution. Get a separate laundry bag just for your jumpers and bill him the cost of the ruined clothes (either the amount you paid or an equivalent amount for Vinted / TK Maxx replacements). I wouldn't let him shop for me.

My DB used to wash his wife’s clothes (often delicate) on the wrong setting, ruining them, once he bought similar replacements. I know he was trying to be helpful but how hard is it to read a tag with washing instructions on it? He did it more than once but now he doesn’t do it.

Why don't you keep your precious stuff separate? This would only have happened once here!

Stop putting them in the laundry basket, have a hand wash only basket and only wash them once a season.

Cashmere only needs washing a couple times a year.

I get that the jumpers shouldn’t have gone in the machine (separate bag) but surely the man here heard the instructions “do not put it in washing machine”. And either didn’t hear or chose not to hear…

I have a small basket next to the main wash basket where any and all hand wash or delicates are placed with strict instructions for NO ONE ELSE in the household to do the washing from that basket. I also use extremely nice washing liquid for those items and love the smell of them. I used to have this problem all the time before’the basket’ was enforced.

You can't restore felted wool.

I agree , I never would put my hand wash jumpers in the communal laundry basket . It's asking for this to happen .

Why on earth do you both keep walking into the same situation, when clearly the current set up doesn't work? As PP have said, I have a separate laundry basket for delicates, it prevents these mistakes (including by me - I have been known to miss my own silk blouse in the normal laundry). I love cashmere and silk, but it's my choice to wear them, so I expect to be fully responsible for their care.

The fact he doesn't think it's worth his time or energy to a) listen to what you say and b) act on it re the very simple act of not putting something in the wash would drive me mad.

A few seconds' thinking on his part could have avoided all this so I can see why you want to make him live out the time and energy it's taken you to get these clothes (I know exactly what it's like). I don't think YABU there but you are BU if you actually expect him to do it!

I think forget the replacements and get him to talk about the underlying issue.

That he can't be arsed to listen to you and that can't be fixed by throwing family money at the problem.

Yeah putting delicates in the laundry basket 4 times is really a shame on you situation. He's offered for you to replace them from family money - which seems more than fair. Don't put any new ones in the laundry basket.

Shrink his stuff - he will learn super fast that way.

Not the point I know, but you can (at least partially) un-felt wool but soaking it in a mix of lukewarm water and fabric softener and then stretching it gently and leaving it to dry on a towel. You can google proper instructions. I've rescued a few washing disasters by doing this.

That is a good idea.
I just do all the washing, DH has other roles, and I actively chose this one

Put your delicate bits in a separate laundry basket and wash them yourself. You know he just throws everything in together and most likely on top hot a wash. Take the jumper as it might teach him to be more careful in the future.

Has your DH been trained on laundry duties?

If not then YABU.

If so, then he needs a refresher course.

My DH used to think that the way to do laundry was load, hot and heluva lot (of powder).😮

Thank you for this well thought out response. He isn’t ND nor an arsehole. I have been trying to pull back a bit on the household labour stuff and put more onto him.

It hasn’t always worked out and he quite often drops the ball. Eg “forgetting” to order the Hello Fresh meals so we just get went random meals we don’t like.
Forgetting to order tickets for the kids shows/discos/dancing displays/ gymnastic events so he’s scrabbling around last minute to sort it in a blind panic.

He arranged for a tradesman to come to the house to do some work but forgot all about it and didn’t tell me. So the guy arrives and I knew nothing about it and we then had to run around shifting furniture and moving stuff out the way so the guy could do his job and we were both late for work as a result. I think he sees having to deal with this stuff as annoying.
He just wants it dealt with and off his plate as quickly as possible, so doesn’t put enough care and attention into things.

The jumper is just another thing in a whole string of incidents where he doesn’t pay enough attention.

Just pop a £10 basket it in an Amazon order?! This really doesn’t have to be a big mental load issue.

Boil wash his favourite suit.