AIBU to expect DH to replace my ruined jumper(s)

[PILinOz]

I love the feel and look of cashmere and wool jumpers but cannot justify paying full price. Instead I scour TK Maxx and Vinted for bargains.
Over the past few years I have managed to find and buy myself a few lovely pieces at a heavy discount. My lovely mother-in-law also bought me a lovely cashmere jumper last Christmas.

My husband has managed to ruin all of them by just shoving them in with the regular laundry. They’ve all shrunk and felted. Each time his reaction to this has been to go “Oops, my bad, sorry” and kind of shrug his shoulders and that was the end of it.

A couple of weeks ago I found a lovely, BNWT wool/cashmere blend jumper on Vinted for £20. The original price tag was £125. I wore it and put it in the laundry basket. A few days later DH announces he’s going to do some laundry. I warn him that a few of my newly purchased work items are in there and not to touch them please. Later on he comes to tell me that he’s really sorry but he’s only gone and completely ruined my new cashmere jumper. He apologises profusely. I tell him I’m really upset. This is the about the 4th time he’s done this and I specifically told him not to touch my stuff. More apologising. He seems genuinely sorry for once

Later on I find him scrolling the internet to find a replacement. Of course he can’t find the exact same one as it came from Vinted and isn’t current season, but he finds something similar by the same brand and offers to buy it. It costs £165

Here is where I may be unreasonable. We earn roughly the same and pool all our finances into our joint account. I cannot justify using £165 of family money for a jumper. That just seems wild to me. I tell him this and he gets annoyed. I try to explain that spending £165 of our money to rectify his mistake isn’t fair. That I spend my time and effort to find these items and only purchase them at a price we can realistically afford. He thinks that I should just go out and buy new replacement jumpers at full price as we have the money. As far as he is concerned he has offered a solution which I am rejecting so that’s the end of it.

I brought it up again yesterday and said again that I think it’s totally unfair that he’s now ruined 4 of my nice jumpers and has no intention of putting in any effort to replace them. He looked incredulous and said “What, are you really expecting me to go through the rails at TK Maxx or join Vinted to find replacements?” I said I didn’t think it was such an unreasonable request and why should the burden of finding a solution to a problem he caused by his repeated carelessness, fall to me? He told me I was massively overreacting and he’s done talking about it. AIBU? Yes: it’s just a few jumpers, get over it and move on. No: DH should use his time and effort to source suitable replacements that won’t cost the family a fortune.

We have a hand wash basket and a general laundry basket as I can’t be trusted to sort the laundry if it all goes into one!

DP does most of our laundry and he had to introduce this system for the occasional time I did do the laundry and wrecked things (both his and mine!)

I'd take him up on the offer to replace them but make sure it comes from his funds. I would let him watch the kids whilst you go to the shops for the day or spend a few hours web shopping in a lovely coffee shop

I’d keep cashmere seperate from regular washing that’s in the laundry basket.

Why are you not putting your cashmere jumpers aside to handwash yourself? No way would I trust DP with washing them! Yes your DH should be more mindful but as you know he's not, then put those items aside in future.

''accidently' drop his playstation in the shower? He might suddenly understand then.

Only a fool would toss delicate items into the general laundry basket when they require a separate, gentle wash.

Thanks for all the responses. Maybe I am being unreasonable to expect him to scour the shops/internet for replacements. It just seems unfair to me to have to expend the time and effort (again!) to rectify his mistake.

I will absolutely be getting a separate laundry basket. My fault for assuming after it happening 4 times already and being explicitly told not touch my stuff, that my clothes would be safe this time.

I do not see why I should have to train my DH on how to do laundry. Nobody taught me, I just got on with it and worked out what to do. My DH lived alone for years before we moved in together and always had clean clothes.
My husband is a tradesman who prides himself on having high standards of workmanship. He can visit a job, work out what needs to be done, what materials are needed and how many man hours are required. He can purchase materials, arrange all the logistics and manage clients. I know he has the processing skills to complete a load of laundry. I should not have to provide training on this.

he knew he wasn’t to touch my stuff, separated some items out.

This is exactly my point!!.. why on earth are you putting an item that can't be washed with regular laundry, WITH the regular laundry and expecting someone to take it out again before doing the laundry.. it is absolute nonsense!!

I'd lose the plot if my DH put stuff in the laundry basket but insisted I take them out again before washing the rest.. the fuck??

This is how I left my relationship with cheap clothes and ex with expensive stuff - because he was happy to spend all our money on things he wanted (whilst worrying to me about whether we had enough), whereas I always took family finances into consideration. With ex, it was a controlling tactic.

Having said that, I once treated myself to a cashmere cardigan, which he tried to destroy by putting through the washing machine and tumble-dryer (he said he didn't like me wearing that colour), but little did he know that it was superwash and it survived fine and I still wear it to this day.

spend the money. He clearly doesn't care enough not to waste it, so you should take it. Watch for escalation though, and do keep a secret laundry basket for your stuff (sod his. If he has anything handwash he can do that himself)

I do just pull out all the shirts, tops underwear and light jumpers and throw them all in together without much thought, the same for the heavier wash. If someone had dropped a hand wash only item in there it would be toast. Not really an excuse but it is easily done, a separate bag in the basket for things not to go in the machine sounds like a plan.

It is one problem with only having joint money, we always had some of our own money, even when we were pretty broke, for birthday presents for each other and things we each wanted but couldn't justify spending joint money on.

To remedy this particular incident, I think what he’s suggested is fair enough, given the circumstances. He has offered to buy a replacement brand new, albeit using family money but given all money is pooled, he can only use family money. You’ve said the cost isn’t a major issue.

If you wanted to go down the Vinted route, surely it’s easier for you to do this as you will have built up your profile and have searches for size/brands, etc, Vinted is a minefield and you need to be experienced at deciding if an item is worth buying or a piece of overpriced rubbish, that won’t be fit for the purpose. Same with TX Maxx - he could go in and end up buying a cashmere jumper that will ball immediately and shrink in a handwash.

Going forward have a basket for delicate items. Yes, it’s frustrating when the Hello Fresh order isn’t delivered - but then it’s his responsibility to plan a menu and do a food shop. Same with booking stuff or whatever.

Yes, we have a calendar up on the kitchen wall on which I write up all the stuff we have going on. I even verbally remind him of what’s happening each week and remind him re tickets and arrangements etc. I shouldn’t have to but here we are..

If I were you I’d put my ‘special’ laundry somewhere else - not in the communal laundry basket. Personally I wash any such things, and all pure wool, by hand anyway.

Ah yes typical mums net reply, all the woman’s fault.
she literally told an adult four times to not touch her jumpers, and somehow, it’s still all her fault. I can’t.

While this would piss me off and his level of weaponised incompetence would make me rethink the entire relationship. I would make him replace them all, full price if needed. But wool and cashmere simply don't need washing after every wear or few wears . Unless heavily soiled/stained all they need is an air outside and some wool refresh spray at most. They wont last long if you're washing them all the time

I really do understand how you feel, as I would be the same. The ‘pain’ isn’t his and you have the guilt of ‘wasting’ family money on what feels like an indulgence. It’s where pooled money does fall down - my husband tries to treat me to things and all I think of are the other, better (and by better I mean benefit everyone) things that money could be spent on. It’s really tricky to find the balance.

However, as others have said, this is the fourth time. I wouldn’t have let it get past the first. Not because he’s a man but because you have 2 kids and by virtue of that, everything in your life is bound to be a bit rushed, time poor, etc…with the best will in the world, more often than not, it’s just bundling stuff into the washing machine and calling it a win because everyone will have clean clothes. I’ll be honest and say I’d have made the same mistake as him, no matter how hard I tried to remember….in the moment I would forget. Delicates that can’t go in a normal wash shouldn’t be in the normal washing basket - too much potential for error.

I think you’re both in the wrong here, and I would say the same regardless of gender. But he’s giving you the only real solution and you’re saying it’s not acceptable so…what do you actually want and expect him to do about it?

The subtext is that a grown man isn't able to comprehend washing instructions

This is in no way comparable to DIY or fixing the car that requires skill and/or an element of training or research and tools. It requires the ability to read, is that something your husband is lacking?

No, no separate finances at all. Everything is pooled together. If either of us wanted to make a big purchase for ourselves, we would discuss it first. Neither of us are particularly big spenders so it’s not really an issue.

Do you just chuck your special wash items in the general laundry and expect him to rifle through looking for them to separate them? I'd be well pissed if DH did that tbh. I grab the washing and shove it in. If you've left your keys in the pocket or left your clothes inside out that's your own problem.

I think it's more a case of you not looking after your own stuff tbh. You shouldn't be leaving them in the general laundry. It's like leaving your laptop on the floor, or your phone in the bathroom and being annoyed someone else has stood on it or knocked it in the loo.

It's nothing to do with training anyone to do anything, how utterly patronising!

You are creating a problem/risk, and expecting your husband to remember to fix that problem/mitigate that risk before proceeding with a task that he already knows how to do very well.

My husband is a tradesman who prides himself on having high standards of workmanship.

I bet anything on earth that your DH would NEVER introduce a potential problem in to one of his jobs, for no reason whatsoever, only to have to remember to undo that problem before proceeding to the next stage of the work.
It's too risky a strategy and no one in the right mind would do it.. especially if it had happened 3 times before and there was a simple preventative measure.

Of course it's his fault and he's an idiot, but it was crazy to keep putting them in the shared laundry basket after several incidents! We have separate ones.

Can I ask, how do you know he isn’t ND? My partner is an electrician, very very well thought of in his trade and in demand because of how good he is at his job.
He would absolutely not do washing or other house things, as he finds them tedious, but he does do them because he knows it’s not fair to leave it all to a woman to do.
He has adhd, and a lot of what you’re saying about your dh, sounds like mine. Although mine would have had the new ones ordered and delivered before I came
down from work 😂 impulsiveness in our house is crazy but mostly fun

It is his fault, but I have to agree with this. I do mine in one go. I wouldn’t trust Dh with them.

I wouldn't have put them in the laundry basket, but also why are you washing your cashmere so often?!

As he's seems to genuinely want to replace, I'd take that as a good apology, but I wouldn't "let" him spend that much family money on it.

You don't need to provide training, you just need to wash your own jumpers 🤣

Honestly I understand your frustration but it's misplaced. You put the clothes in the general washing basket, he washed them the way everything generally gets washed. It's like putting a crystal vase in the dishwasher and then getting annoyed that he didn't spot it and take it out before he turned the thing on.